I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

[Mariagatzs12]

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

ok, I just read your update.

I wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway. In fact, a lot of my friends dont have kids which makes meeting up so much easier.

do you have any free time for hobbies that might get you out of the house and get you meeting new people? or, on the extreme end, as someone suggested, you could always move. I think you'd fit right in down here - London and the South East

Oh I know education is not everything! My DH didn't finish his A levels and he's my perfect match.

My colleagues are great and I think eventually I'll be able to make friends that way (currently on ML).

I also know she is irrelevant, my congregation is mostly 70+ and I love them dearly.

Book clubs are really good for connecting you with people you would not think you had anything in common with.

Widening the group you meet with and in a direct conversational way is a way in.

Do your children have friends over, who you chat with, meet at swimming etc these parents could be developed into friendships.

I think it’s very easy to stereotype people but often they aren’t what we think. I enjoy some trashy TV but my favourite music is sacred music from around the world - especially Russian . I’m an atheist Jew which probably makes that more unusual. I also love David Bowie, architecture and needle felting. My friends DH is a trauma and anaesthetist consultant He loves Strictly and Bake Off. What I’m trying to say is people can’t be defined by a some of the things they like.

Villages can be cliquey places though but I agree with people who have interests and who have social lives which include being around those with do the same thing.

You don’t always need things in common to ‘connect’ with someone though. If you are on the same wavelength you can be close to someone who likes different things.

Sometimes though no matter how you try it’s hard to fit in to another culture and you shouldn’t have to change yourself to fit in. If you’ve tried really working on getting to know people and keeping an open mind and it’s still not happening would moving be an option?

@Snakelet you're the grown up version of my daughter :) She's into felting and loves David Bowie. Our rabbi and many of our congregation members are atheists so I think it's more common that you think.

The problem is you live in a little village.
Why oh why would you do that?
I think many British people would struggle tbh.

Well Tedd the answer is my exH! But it happened and at least for now I have to stay until my daughter is old enough to go to uni or decide who does she want to live with, whatever happens first.

You need to broaden your search for people.

Other mums only have one thing in common with you - they had sex and fell pregnant at the same time as you. That is it.

Once I realised this and stopped trying to work out why I never quite fitted in life became much easier. I would rather have no friends than judgey friends.

You have to stop judging/pigeon holing people too. Open your mind.

I have now developed a couple of groups of friends through hobbies of mine. They are not close (atm) but with one or two individuals I can see stuff developing over time. As groups they are as wide and diverse as you could imagine.

My sports friends (council run activity nothing swanky or expensive) has a very successful journalist, couple of 60+ year olds, some very glamorous fitness trainers, business owners, people on benefits, married couple, gay couple......etc etc. All sorts. And we get along and chat and have a laugh. We kind of don't care what each other does (apart from teasing the journalist), who earns what, lives where or watches what. The people who watch Love Island can chat about that, those who don't just chat about something else.

Get hobbies. You'll find your people.

OP, I have the same sort of issue. Rather than spotting the ways you are different from other women, try looking for things in common. Or look around for a local charity to help out with, and make friends that way.

I don't like reality TV either, or shopping or toddler groups, but I worked a couple of sessions a week looking after supplies for a mountain rescue team. Helped out with fund raising etc. made some friends and found a space for me in the community I lived in.

Just keep trying different things so people can get to know the real you. If you are contributing something, people will appreciate you.

Op...mn is nothing like real life. Brexit has shown that. Re soaps..the last soip i watched was neighbours when i was a teenager. That over 30 years ago. I have never heard anyone mention soaps in rl. Op..the best thing you can do is join different groups smile and show interest in other people. It might take you a few months but you will make friends over time. Ive just joined a cake club....

Sorry, OP, got distracted by the comment that your rabbi is an atheist - how does that work?!

As for fitting in, I think that there would need to be an element of acceptance. A village in the West Country is going to be very different from London. But - every person will be different in their own way, and you might connect where you don't expect to. Do the people in your congregation open you to younger people? Does your nearest town have events that might bring you alongside people with similar interests?

Yes, you are very different from people in your village (not better, by the way, just different). They discuss Brexit not French and Russian literature because at the moment it’s more important for them, it’s life changing. You can’t change other people so your answer is to change yourself or to move somewhere else, or just ignore the situation.
I’m in UK slightly longer then you but still have the same problem with British friends. I agree that you need to find a group of people with similar interests. It’s more difficult when you are older, when you’ve moved to a different country and much more difficult in a village.There are unspoken social rules and expectations which are very tricky to get if you are outsider. Move to a city, it’s easier.

@wherearetheadults you just made me laugh, thank you! Yes, I need more hobbies.. We're moving to a town rather than a village in a couple of months so hopefully that will make some difference.

We hope to be able to host a nice housewarming party.

If you're on mat leave (did I understand correctly?) then this will make you feel more isolated, but it's also the PERFECT excuse for meeting loads of new people. I literally had to chat people up when I was pregnant/with young children - almost like speed-dating! Some of those friendships really caught on, even though we had very different backgrounds. Others remained acquaintances, but knowing lots of people can make you feel more supported. But read the book - seriously it will explain a lot.

Could you move to a small city with stuff going on culturally? More chance of finding
your tribe. I’m English but would struggle where you are. A woman sounding exactly like you just moved in here she’s already firmly in our friendship group she’s fab company she’s come to our parties weve been to theirs etc

@gottastopeatingchocolate that's probably worth creating a thread in itself! In a nutshell they believe the Torah was written by humans and it's a moral code nothing else. We as Jews have a cultural background that will always unite us..very similar to being a humanist.

Yes, I'm on maternity leave. I will go out and join groups once we make the move. In the meantime it seems a bit pointless considering we're moving a few miles away and meeting up would always involve driving

I never made "mum friends"
I recently moved and have found people I like through
Book club, if there isn't one start one. Local Facebook group, meet on a Monday evening in a local pub.
Rock Choir, yes people tend to be older but it's a good way of meeting loads of people and finding out what's on.
Evening class/daytime class. I signed up to do level 1 counselling at the local FE college. I figured that this course would attract interesting people and it's true. We are now moving on to level 2 together.
The biggest thing I would say is you don't find friends by staying at home.

I grew up in a village in the south west and I wouldn’t fit in there either!

Maybe look for a book club when you move, OP. Good luck.

@Mariagatzs12, I am in a similar position (in the U.K. for 20 yeas) and I don’t have answer. Many possible reasons have crossed my mind

• nothing in common
• xenophobia
• me not making enough effort
• structure of the society/class system/not knowing the ‘rules’
• people too closed off (families have known each other since primary school where I live)
• no need to make an effort to make friends from other people.

I’ve talked to other EU citizens and they’ve all had similar experience UNLESS they have lived in a big town (London, centre of Leeds or Manchester). Small towns/villages are impossible to break through.

Nowdays, I have given up. I have one friend (BRITISH but with a different background). A few other people I get on with very well but they are far away. But I don’t think I will ever have friends here.
I reassure myself that it’s not just me by reminding myself some brits have some issues too. But yes it’s crap.

Definitely look for more clubs. It’s sometimes hard to find people like you in such a small place

You need to stop defining yourself and deciding how others view you by your privileged upbringing/religion/accent. Honestly, no-body cares about any of this if you never ever go on about it!

Be more open minded, try to relate to the people around you, adjust ways, adapt. It's a totally different culture, get to know the people around you. I have Portuguese and Brazilian in my family - we are totally different but we all love adapting and trying to fit in with each culture. People appreciate 'foreigners' who try and 'fit in'. It's not about changing who you are, no-one expects that, but the trying to adapt and be interested in how we do things here is what people love! It's all about give and take, you pay an interest here and people will pay an interest in YOU and YOUR cultures/traditions.

Maybe attend some of the mother and child classes/baby sensory etc? Or meet other mums at your antenatal classes (if still pregnant)? All these women regardless of age or place or birth will all have the exact same thing in common.

Also agree with what others day, village life is not for most Brits, unless you were born there! They are very tight knit communities who have known each other for generations. Maybe move to a bigger town/city where cultures are more vast. I'm also sure you could meet loads of like minded people through your religion? We have a huge Jewish community in the UK.

Yes it's not great. I've only ever had one birthday get together. And apart from that short-lived friendship all other people who attended were my exHs friends! I liked them though, but wouldn't call them my friends.

I'd love you to live near me, OP! My background is nothing like yours, but I'd love to have an interesting friend, and yes, is really hard to make new friends as an adult.

I was born and bred in a city in the Midlands. I live in a small town in the West Country, I have lived here for over 20 years and have no friends. I have acquaintances, pleasant people to have a chat with but I don't know anyone's phone number, don't get invited to things. I'm retired but worked for 18 years down here, no one I worked with ever phones, I've never been invited back to any event since I left work. My husband is mixed race and there is alot of discrimination here. On the referendum results day we were in a coffee shop, DH sat down and I was ordering some food and drinks, a woman beamed at me and said, "Isn't it great, we get rid of all the foreigners now." I pointed to my husband and said, "I'm married to that brown man." She huffed and walked off. I felt like crying.

I am currently preparing to move back to a city. It is sad because it is beautiful here, I love walking on the beach and the moor but I live for my visits back to the city and would happily move from my lovely 4 bed detached house to an inner city terrace with some life and contact.

I didn't notice it so much when I was working. I got on well with people so didn't notice the lack of a friend so much. Now I am retired it is painful, I guess ML has brought it home to you.

Sorry I didn't realise I needed to get all that out.