I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

[Mariagatzs12]

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

OP why do you have to stay until your daughter goes to uni? Can't you move to a city? A more metropolitan area might suit you better. As others have said, rural villages can be like this. Where did you live in the States? I'm not sure what the US equivalent of your West Country village is but it's probably somewhere tiny out in mid America rather than say NYC or Boston which sound like more your kind of places. Could you look into moving to somewhere like Bristol?

By the way I have an MA and I watch Love Island. The two aren't mutually exclusive!

@Beau2020x yes the Jewish community in the UK is fairly big, but not where I live. They are main social outlet though. Most are in their 70+ but I'm "close" to a few of them. There's three Americans (including me), a gastric surgeon, and an ex civil servant. They're more like family than friends though, I know they'd be there for me if needed but that doesn't mean were particularly close, although we all look after each other.

I think it is really tough, especially in an area where many people went to school together and have stayed in the same area all their lives.
Fingers crossed for you that you’ll find more kindred spirits in the town you’re moving to.
Your people are out there somewhere!

Hi @Maria I am 'British' and I dont fit in where I live, I dont watch the mainstream TV either. I think you sound really interesting, I like to travel and educate myself with new things. I didnt have a privileged background but appreciate people that have. I dont think you sound snobbish at all. I'm happy to chat if you like!

@Oxfordcat Bristol is 3 hours away, Exeter is about 2. I have 50/50 custody so my exH and I have to live within commuting distance. This is all theoretical as he could find a better post as far as Scotland tomorrow and I'm sure he would think of what would I do.

Yes, I know mindless entertainment and level of education aren't mutually exclusive, I used it ad a common denominator for the moms at school.

@Scautish it’s certainly been true in my experience. Most people I’ve come across here have been very small minded in particular ways. You have to meet them most of the way. I’ve adopted a British accent and don’t mention where I’ve been to school unless it’s obvious that the British person is question either comes from a similar background or just doesn’t care. It’s suddenly much easier when people aren’t fixated on the ways you are different to them.

I feel for you OP. Not fitting in is hard, but 2 things struck me. You're not a victim of this. You're in charge. If you're surrounded by people who aren't your type, go find some who are. Sitting there saying 'Nobody likes me' doesn't get anybody any friends.

The other thing is, do you want to fit in with them? I mean, do you want to change so that you are similar to them, do you respect and relate to their lifestyles? If not, then it's also the case that they don't fit in with you.

Can you get out to the big city (or town) near you for a few hours a week, and do something that really represents who you are, and meet people that way?

Thanks @Snooper22 ! By all means send me a private message :)

You have to have at least five generations living in a village before being accepted. Until then you will always be referred to as the people living in the house of the previous owners: "oh yes, the woman in the Jones's place"

I think that british people will know you are not british within minutes. Just like they know which social class people are from.

Yes accent is one big way to decide which box you belong to. That’s not the only one.

@Eckhart I think you've nailed it. It's been so many years that I've come to the conclusion that I'm square and at least my immediate community is a circle. If have to file down my edges to fit in. I've tried at times but it also feels a tad wrong.

95% of the time I'm ok with it, but ML brought it back as a PP said.

Even if I didn't interact much at work, most of us had a few things in common, love for dogs, working in the same place and of we all share a passion for music (I work at a music distribution company) so we all got the same jokes/references. Liking classical music wasn't seen as being "stuck up" but as an asset, same thing about being fluent in Spanish.

I have the same problem. I think it's just harder when you're older

I don't recognize the village life that is being described here. I live in the south east in West Sussex. The villages here are full of new money, career couples, middle middles with husbands who earn plus plus, older people who have retired to it, older people who are born and bred and ordinary families getting by. Seems to work here. I can think of several villages right on my doorstep that are vibrant, friendly and have lots of activities happening.

I am an agnostic Jew, have no TV in the house, house instead a small library of monographs and French and Russian literature, dress like an 80s indie kid, listen to punk, have "posho" parents, sound a little like princess Ann, and swear like her too....
but it's fine. I'm also not everyone's taste, but I find people friendly enough, but I'm an introvert and prefer to be alone. But I do know a lot of people, who are more than just acquaintances.

I'd move to the sticks in West Sussex or the south east. Commuting and access to London is so much easier.

@Eckhart, your post made me smile, sadly smile.
Going to find someone ‘more like you’ isn’t always possible - if that group of people just doesn’t exist where you are (maybe because they are avoiding that type of place knowing how hard it would be to fit in).

I know I would need to travel 1h00~1h30 to be likely to meet people on my wavelength. It’s making building friendship hard if you have young dcs, Work etc.... and just as hard to keep them going eg if you want to go out in the evening, invite them over etc...

@Mariagatzs12, I would consider moving somewhere that works FOR. YOU. It might mean a bit more travel re your ex. But you will be happier.

Also, my parents moved to a village (in Australia) when I was a child. Even though they were both teachers (so part of the community) they didn't really get accepted until my dad joined the Rural Fire Service after a big fire in the 80's. That showed the townsfolk that he was willing to put his life on the line.. and it changed perceptions quite a bit.

I moved to America in a highly trained male dominated industry. I’ve been where you are. Although the Americans LOVE the British. So I didn’t have too bad a time. But the values there are so different.

@Mariagatzs12 Yeah, you just need to find your people. You're not doing anything wrong, in answer to the title of your post. There's tons of Brits who wouldn't move into a village because of 'village mentality'. You'll fit in better with them.

I lived in a village for a couple of years and didn't fit in either. I decided to see it as a social study in my head. Observing the behaviour of the villagers. Allowing the different-ness, and being entertained by it, rather than let it knock my confidence in making friends.

It's not you, OP. Good luck!

I think there is something particular about the West Country though.
It will be very different to villages in hampshire or West Sussex that are in easier reach of London.
More people that have stayed there all their lives.

Have you tried a choir if you’re into classical music? Or an orchestra if you play something?

Your description of the parents at school sounds reductive, sexist and unkind.

It is less likely that they're one homogenous group who are all into the same thing and more likely that you've done some kind of mental short cut writing them off because of your biases.. That's not a criticism, we all have biases, but sometimes they can be unhelpful and lead us up a garden path.

The friends I have who come from similar backgrounds/upbringings/education (note, I don’t mean class particularly, but people who they themselves, or whose parents, believed in and supported their education) are all people I met through a hobby, which is music. To reach the level to play in a good orchestra involves hours of practice as a child and self-discipline and drive, so trundling along to an adult amateur orchestra means you’re socialising with people who will definitely have some common interests and outlook.

Musicians also spend a lot of time (too much for me sometimes ) talking about music which means you get a break from Brexit and parenting talk and talk about television (a lot of my friends barely watch TV at all).

There must be other similar hobbies where the nature of the activity pre-determines some of the interests/attributes of the people who will be there.

Of my ‘mum friends’ the ones I have the closest affinity with are actually a group of women I met on Mumsnet!

Yes, I've heard choirs are a good place to meet people quite a few times. Once I move I'll give it a try.

There was also an astronomy club that l completely forgot about it until now.

I've always clashed (and not just in my village buy on FB groups too) that I've never defined myself by being a mother. I'm many things, mother is just one of them.

I feel the same OP. The friends who I enjoy spending time with are the ones who are still interested in life beyond kids.

Ok OP, I understand your geographical ties now. In that case I think you need to find the most buzzing town you can within commutable distance of your ex! Rural villages can be wonderful but they are certainly not everyone's cup of tea for the reasons you describe. Good luck

There’s 2 things here:

No need to tell anyone about your privilege, qualifications and upbringing. Definitely not when trying to start a friendship. Most people would translate that as bragging (they’re facts, of course, but the British way is to not highlight these things). If you find people you’d like to strike up a friendship with, focus on topics in common - your babies for example. Which brings me to my second point.

I’m like you and am not a fan of reality TV or soaps (or much TV at all). I like you had a FT career when my DCs were young, and I found myself the outsider from the SAHM. I was often cold shouldered, excluded or rebuffed if I invited anyone. They made it quite clear they had their friends, and no thank you, they didn’t need another one. Particularly one as out of their experience as me. But slowly, slowly I realised forcing it just made me more unhappy- why force friendships with people who frankly bored me silly. I stopped trying, focussed on enjoying work and doing fun stuff I liked myself. That was the case for several years (I found the baby/toddler years a pretty lonely place) but as they got older I gradually met a couple of women on my wavelength. I have one close friend, and several good friends but not people I could tell my secret worries to, iykwim?

The village thing is hard too. I live in a teeny village, barely see anyone - but that’s kind of how I like it now, 2 teenagers and a busy job make me cherish quiet time and I avoid most socialising!

Good luck, OP, women can just be bitches sometimes and any sniff of you being different (they read as you think you’re better) and the cattiness starts. I got to the point of answering shockingly when they did the faux poor you having to work thing ‘no, don’t pity me, thank fuck I can get away from CBeebies and wiping snot, my job is a lifesaver!

It sounds like it’s because you have little in common with those around you, not because you’re doing anything wrong. By the sounds of it, if you moved to my part of SW London you’d fit in no problem.