Most useless thing you know how to do

[NotARealAvery]

I know how to say ‘I am 13 years old’ I’m now 32 and count up to 10 in German.

That’s all I can remember from my German lessons in school.

I can make a willy out of a bar towel. I can also walk on stilts, which is surprisingly useful when you need to paint the ceiling or clear leaves out of the gutter around the porch.

I can say in German "come here and give us a kiss."

@LauraLooDerby

I can recite the books if the bible too. Unfortunately I can’t day it’s ever gone on any use (not even in a quiz) in the 35 or so years I’ve been able to do it.

So that probably ranks on up there with the useless things I can do ‘top 10’

explain the numbering system of the London postal districts, North West section; and have just about mastered the North section too. might try the West one day, but the others are beyond me.
I set myself to figure out the North West one some years ago; some years later I think I worked it out, but no one else is interested.
I run through it in my mind on occasion, and find it strangely calming.

by the way I did it without reference to any books, manuals etc.
just by thinking, and a little, or a lot, local knowledge.
if I ever attempt the west, I will proceed similarly, by with less knowledge.
internet was unheard of when I started on this quest, and I would regard that as cheating anyway.

I can recite Jabberwock in full and so can my 8 and 5 year old dc.

Plot the shipping forecast.
I live a sixteen hour drive to the nearest coastline. In Canada.

I am astonished at the number of people that can fit their fists into their mouths. The rest, yada yada. I’m a mine of useless language smattering, BSL alphabet, makaton, knot tying to make random camp gadgets/ bridges (I can erect a bridge over a 20 foot traverse using 6 pine poles and three ropes and get six people over it in five minutes), raise my eyebrows independently, flare my nostrils, strip and reassemble a rifle blindfold, blah blah.
Fit my fist in my mouth?

My FIST?

Macrame.

Also a friend at school taught me how to do that side to side head wobble that they do in Bollywood films.

I know the words to the Marseillaise.

I can recite pretty much all the poems from Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. And the kings and queens of England from 1066.

I want to sex a vole and make a chicken tea towel though.

@nachthexe

You are all set for the zombie apocalypse.

@MrsTerryPratchett

If you can do macrame you can make bobbin lace, it's the same knots on a tiny scale.

I can do a lot of crafts that are probably not very useful. Tatting, tunisian crochet, glass etching completely useless.

Are the toe things not normal?? I’ve got wonderfully agile toes, I can use my feet as bonus hands!

whatkatydidnot, can you still shrink crisp packets? I used to love doing that and making key rings

You most certainly can. It amazes the kids because nobody does it much now; they're all slime addicts.

And the kings and queens of England from 1066.

I used to be able to do that. Don't think I could any more. I also used to know the full order of precedence for some strange reason. I think it was in a book of my mother's when I was a kid.

I can recite all UN countries in alphabetical order, thanks to the Sporcle Quiz website.

@Twenty2 - You have to dissect it, and then look for ovaries (pale, flat, little freckles) or testes (darker, more puffy).

Ooh, @Greenandcabbagelooking, useful information, thank you. Well, useful if you want to sex dried sardines, which I do. For some reason

Not sure where I'd get dried sardines from, but if I ever find a source, I'm all set to tell the males from the females.

Say the alphabet backwards
Me too. And also in French (but not backwards)

I can make a chicken out of a tea towel
You could get a job as a cruise ship housekeeper?

@PeridotPassion I can do the cup song too!

I can wire a plug. I have never needed to.

Change a car's engine oil. A skill my father made me learn which was useful 40 years ago, not so much today.

I've learned loads of poems off by heart, and quite often recite them to myself as I go about my daily business.

I can say the alphabet backwards...really fast

@Nanasueathome - you just beat me to it! I can say it backwards really fast too!

I can also say 'Please don't fuck with me" in Spanish - although IME that is actually quite useful.

Read cyrillic script

I know the sign for bomb in BSL

Identify most Farrow & Ball paint shades.