We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

I'm not convinced that it's an era or an age thing. My parents were early 20s when they had us in the 70s. As I said before, very hands on, supportive and interested in our lives and choices. We were expected to pull our weight as teens but were still fed and cared for, chauffeured about etc.
My close friends all had very similar experiences though so I didn't know this was unusual until recently.

I'm reflecting on this quite a lot. I wasn't a rebel and wasn't interested in drinking, smoking, anything that might have caused them concern, which might have explained why they were not really over-involved with my choices.

My choices were invariably nerdy, young and safe, so...yeah

@BedStuy, it's mixed. On the one hand, my mother has expressed quite a bit of regret since I've had my own daughter, and I get the impression she regrets letting my dad impose his views on parenting on me and on her. She certainly regrets letting him be so autocratic, and we've had some lovely and very healing discussions about how to bring up a child.

OTOH, my parents are quite convinced that I was a lazy child who procrastinated - it doesn't occur to them I needed any parental support. And by extension, because they always treated me as a mini adult, they still want to tell me how badly I'm doing. I'm 35 and yesterday I say through my mum lecturing me on how I'm failing at my job!

You have to try to laugh, I think.

Oh sorry, I didn’t say I was ‘80.

Uni wasn’t something anyone ever even mentioned to me. After I did a levels, (first in my family to do so) I was told that’s enough fannying about, get a job now and pay your way.

I’ve done uni as an adult because I wanted to put right the awful start I had.

I was born in 1974 and have always thought of my upbringing as good but actually no, I had no help with anything on that list and have often said it's a wonder I survived some of the dodgy situations I got myself into, none of which my parents had any clue about.

My DD is 11 now and the thought of her having the total lack of supervision freedom to do the things I was doing at 12/13 in the next couple of years is ludicrous to me. Yes times have changed but I can't fathom why parents (and I recall my friends parents being much the same as mine) did just seem to stop parenting us when we hit our teens.

Born in 1961 , no parents evenings ever attended, never had clothes washed & ironed, l used to do all the cleaning and cooking and washing & ironing, from a young age. I had no parental input into my O levels, my career choice. I was never given any consideration for any exams or homework. They never did anything for me . EVER.
Guess what ? l bought my DC up so differently & l am totally different to my siblings .Thank God.

Nah. I was late 70s and my sibling mid 70s and we were parented. Our parents were involved in our education and our choices at school and helped arrange/encourage work experience. Supported Saturday jobs if we wanted them. Talked over life, friendships and deep and meaningful stuff.
Obviously we had more freedom and the lack of mobile phones and computers made our childhood seem more idyllic in comparison to now...
We often made our own tea etc as both parents worked but not in a neglected way... I always loved watching Byker Grove or Grange Hill with my microwave meal alone at home!!!

Born in the 1960s.

Parents utterly involved until well after I became an adult (18). Dinners cooked, friends welcome in the house, utter concern about my education (clearly going to be university) and my siblings (nursing which at the time wasn't a college course). Did everything they could to help us get where we wanted to go. Created a home where everyone was welcome. Backed off in my early 20s when I made my own decisions but I knew they always had my back.

I see some of this on MN now - people saying "well she is an adult" when the kid under discussion is 16 or 17. I think it is generally very different in Ireland.

ChevalierTialys I love that quote. Your story is so similar to mine, although my childhood only really got bad after my dad died. It’s only once you get older or have your own kids, and can objectively look at it that you realise how differently you were treated. My eldest is 9 now, I’d never give him some keys and stay in bed while he got himself dressed and walked to school.

to you

Sorry forgot to say everything on your list my parents did. And we do to our children - in the US

input into my GCSE options - I was told that it would be best to choose IT as it was part of "the future". Other school friends were dictated to by their parents which options they WILL be taking, no choice.
help / guidance in getting a Saturday job - found me the contact details in the newspaper, suggested words to say, what questions to ask, what to wear. Told I must have clean hands/nails on day one if I was going to get into catering.
Being taught how to behave at work - vividly remember being told by my father than adults may attempt to use me because I am fresh meat so to never date anyone from work and remember they are not your friends, they're you're colleagues/seniors. Remember going off to friends home and their parents had told them the same.
Interest really in what I spent pocket money on - opened bank statements together and learnt the 'thirds' saving style. Stormed off to friends home after being annoyed I couldn't spend all my money only to find she had been taught the same thing but years before.
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time - same.
Supervision of homework etc- same (they avoided me because I would ask them the answers instead of doing it myself!
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really. - same and they didn't need me knowing their friendship issues either so I never learnt from observations etc. Lots of informative information to help prepare me but taught me that I needed to navigate my own social life.
I think they loathed how much I needed reassurance/confirmation from friends but I grew out of it.

I’m not convinced it’s an age or era thing either. I’m a 60s baby and had all the parenting in the 80s as a teen that you said you didn’t. Massive interest taken in my schoolwork (too much sometimes, as they pushed me into the most academic subjects), help with career choice, genuine interest and concern over my friendships and general happiness. Overall, a lot of help, guidance and supervision.

There was definitely more of a culture of letting your children off out to play for the day when I was a child, and I don’t think they worried about me every 5 minutes as I do with mine as there were no mobiles so it was no good to! But generally they were interested and involved, which has never stopped. Reading on here, I think I was pretty lucky.

Sadly, OP, I don’t think it was a generation thing; I think you were just dealt a bit of a poor hand.

God, I’ve been banging on about this to friends lately!
Absolutely zero input into schooling - don’t even remember my mum attending a parents evening at high school
NO encouragement to go to further education, although I was in the top sets for everything!
Mum didn’t have a clue what I was up to at weekends or with whom and we didn’t have mobile phones either remember!
Н
Didn’t spend time together as a family - I was left to my own devices pretty much. We never did anything at the weekends and eating out etc was pretty much unheard of. I remember going on approximately 3 holidays to Wales! Also had 2 (very small) birthday parties at my house.
Didn’t have a car so no lifts, ever, didnt matter whether raining, snowing etc. I had to walk to school and back every single day (my kids constantly want lifts everywhere) And anywhere I wanted to go had to be accessible by bus!
I consider myself to have had quite a good childhood though - I was warm, clothed, fed and loved (albeit a bit neglected)
I could go on. My kids just don’t know they’re born!

Born in 84. No supervision on homework. I knew I needed to do it so did. Could ask for help but parents weren't too academic. No lifts anywhere. Dad was only one who could drive. My choice of gcses and a level. Mum put my name down at local supermarket for Saturday job as she used to work there. I wanted a job as didn't get much pocket money. Always had to tell parents where I was. Never allowing our past 9 on a school or wkend night until I was 16. Still very restricted on times and were I was going until I left home at 22. Wish I'd had more freedom.

Late 70s and parented until... well, now!

Lots of discussion about school choices, further education, life after Uni.

I've just left my marriage, my family did the same during these tough times, hand held and offered advice if appropriate.

I know that my parents also had the support and consultation of their parents into adulthood (early 20s at least). They are from vastly different backgrounds, so I think it is a personality/ family thing rather than an era or class thing really.

Born 1974
My parents stopped parenting when I was 14. I remember it vividly. It was as though the lights were turned off

Crikey PhilipJennings I am not surprised you put distance between yourself and your parents! I feel for those whose parents weren't at all interested but your upbringing sounds just as bad. Worse in a way maybe.
I was also brought up by pretty strict parents in a very religious household. There were lots of rules, like no shopping on a Sunday. I remember an incident when I was about 7 or 8. My Aunt walked me home from Church on a really hot day and bought me an icecream en route. Unfortunately Mum and Dad passed in the car and saw us. My Dad was absolutely furious, mainly at my Aunt (his sister) but I still was partly blamed as I should have known better than to accept. When I was older I had a bit more freedom, but when my schoolmates were sneaking into pubs and clubs in 6th form I never attempted to join them, it just wasn't worth even trying.
My parents were interested in my education but not intrusively so. To be honest, whilst they were both highly intelligent, they hadn't had the educational opportunities that I had, so once I got to A level they couldn't have helped or known if I was doing the right things anyway. But they always encouraged me and bought me extra books etc if I asked. I wasn't allowed a Saturday job, even at University because of studying, but it was because they felt I studied so hard that I needed rest at weekends, rather than because they wanted to force me to study harder. We weren't well off, but they provided for me materially as much as they possibly could. I couldn't have got to, or through, medical school without them. Though to be fair, like you I was pretty frugal and I didn't abuse their generosity.
They were strict, and not prone to overt displays of affection but I always felt secure and very much loved. In some ways our upbringings sound similar but with the difference that my parents trusted me and respected my privacy as I grew up.They would never have dreamed of checking up on my University attendance or my bank account. That is just appalling, I am not surprised you felt insulted. Attempting to control someone's life to that extent is abuse really. Do they still try to control you now?

Born in 81 and exactly the same. Left to my own devices from 12 ish. Can't imagine doing the same with my own kids.

When I read these threads I am amazed at those of you who survived and thrived - or managed anyway - with no parental support.

Life was hard enough as a teen/university student/early 20s person without thinking you were utterly on your own. Right now my 18, 19 and 23 year old have all been on to me today - some needing support or practical help, some just wanting to chat, knowing I am going to be very very interested in their lives.

Those of you who managed without this support - kudos to you

Born in 1977, sounds like me and my friends were abnormal. All our parents made us food, drove us places, had an interest in what we were doing. We had some freedom to go to town etc, but we would get dropped off or picked up if going to each others houses if not meeting in town etc, more because it's a nice thing to do than checking where we were. I had a great childhood and teenage years.

Born in the early 1980s. I wasn't parented emotionally throughout my teens. DM was a single mum and depressed, so once my eldest two siblings left for university, she kind of gave up a bit and would go to bed in the evenings and me and my youngest sibling would cook ourselves some frozen food. Never had chats about periods, boys, friendships, nothing.

No input into my homework, but I was studious and did well at school. To her, this was evidence she had succeeded as a parent . No input into career options, and to be honest although I've done fine, it was more by accident. I remember when we had to choose work experience options, she told me to put down catering as Mrs X's daughter had done work experience at a local restaurant and got a Saturday job from it .

I wasn't allowed to run wild though. Once I was at college I was allowed to go out on weekend nights, but she would stay up waiting for me to get home.

The helicopter parenting that we all do now goes too far the other way. A 12 year old shouldn’t have to be reminded to do their homework! Kids need to be able to make mistakes and feel the consequences to build confidence.

Disclaimer: I don’t agree with leaving teens to their own devices (quite literally) though.

All our parents made us food, drove us places, had an interest in what we were doing. We had some freedom to go to town etc, but we would get dropped off or picked up if going to each others houses if not meeting in town etc, more because it's a nice thing to do than checking where we were. I had a great childhood and teenage years

Yes, food - everything to do with food - it's provenance, the preparation of it, was always a bit deal. We were all (are!) big food lovers. We were also always taken and collected from groups, classes, friends etc.

We were loved and treasured by my parents, but there was still a 'hands off' thing with many aspects of growing up - GSCE options and so on, as the OP mentioned.

I'll ask my siblings if they felt the same at some point!

1967. Tubed to school every day from aged 8. School was hours away across London.

Aged 11, passed out in class - appendix - school rang, DM wouldn't collect, she said I could tube it home. She didn't work or anything. DF never went to my school, had no idea where it was even after I left.

Being in London was miles easier for the, er, 'independent' child, sure it still is.

I don't think they let parents do that now

Yes this was me too.

I have never really thought about it but yes from about 12 I was just expected to just know what to do. I have never discussed my career plans or relationships with anyone! I just worked out problems on my own. I had friends and still do but never feel I could burden them. And I think that may be because I could never discuss issues with my own parents.

So I did a lot of faking self confidence. And I had a strong desire (guilt) to make my parents proud and to show them how grown up I was. But I also didn’t have any of the typical teen issues as I was very cautious (so no over drinking, no reckless boyfriends etc). I did and do still have anxiety and a fear of failure and public humiliation.

In a lot of ways I was just a mini adult.

And I moved out on my own at 17.

I do worry about parenting my own teens also.