We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

Gosh such an interesting thread

Born in 83 and I relate to so many of your experiences. I felt very loved and home was a happy loving place to be. However, yes I'd say parenting essentially stopped aged 12ish. I would get help off my dad for homework if asked but never questioned on it.
I often didn't go to school, slept at"friends" houses that were actually boys far to old for me, just did as I pleased really without any consequence.
Remember once going to Germany to meet one of my boyfriends who was in the army there, parents hadn't a clue.
Looking back I'm very lucky to be alive

I was born in 92 and my experience was the same, in fact my mum said all her kids were grown up as soon as I (the youngest) started secondary. I hated it and I plan to go a different path with my children.

I was born in 86.

I'd say my parents were pretty good - train wreck on paper but fine in real life - not overly involved but there if I needed them to chat about anything and I always had a cooked meal.

However, amongst my friends is day you're experience was more common than mine. Lots of them used to talk about how they wished their Mum and Dad were more like mine.

My childhood was far from ideallic in general though and I chose my own path and went off the rails a bit anyway!

i was more of 00s teen but same here

No, but I wasn't parented in the normal way at any point.

The majority of my friends were though. Obviously I can't remember exact details for all, but everyone else's parents seemed to have discussed GCSE options, interested in what they were doing, lifts, deeper conversations etc. Most parents either had meals ready to heat up for late home dc or made us something when we showed up.

One friend wasn't particularly academic, left school at 16 and I recall plenty of talk about her Mum and dad helping her apply for jobs, supporting her through a boss that was an arse etc.

Born 1976.
My parents, particularly my mum, were quite over protective compared to most. They always attended Parents Eve but yes Options my own choice. I gave up most of my hobbies at 14 and was then left to my own devices at the weekends. Got myself various jobs, sorted out contreception, slept out at friends but usually we all would be in the park pissed. Pubs by 16. My parents were quite naieve and trusting tbh. We did have a few deep and meaningful chats when i came in off the last bus with a bottle of strawberry concorde on board!

Mum went to work full time when I was eleven so we got ourselves home from school and had to have to tea on the table for her coming home from work or she went mad. I still feel nervous around 5:30😊.

I would never expect that from a child so young. She threw temper tantrums if hints weren’t exactly to her liking. My dad never stood up for us.

1977- no really direction, no help with homework, careers etc etc. Huge amounts of freedom I massively abused. I rebelled to try to get more boundaries and input I think.

I always hoped one of my parents would come up and sit on my bed and "have a heart-to-heart" like tv parents did.
Never happened.

I was born 1971 and totally relate. Loving parents, fed watered and clothed but little interest in me as a person after aged 12. No guidance school/ career wise.
My friends and I often remark how different we are as parents and much more involved with our kids ( I think for the better).
Was having a chat this evening with youngest about post 6 form pathways

Yep, literally stopped bothering to parent me at age 10.... just crap

Born in 1958 and yes, I was parented very well (still am, occasionally have to remind my own parents that I am now over 60 & they are close to their 90s). My parents were/are very supportive, loving & encouraging & generous. I had tutors to help me get my O levels (showing my age), encouraged to go to uni etc. Always supportive whatever choices I made in life (including letting me make my own mistakes along the way).

Same except there was discussion about Leaving Cert subjects as I was outraged school wasn't providing options I wanted.

I put it down to parents being older and more tired as I am the youngest. I remember there being more interest in my siblings and potential careers, helping them find jobs in the summer holidays, checking how they were doing at said jobs.

Also went slightly off the rails but not enough for them to notice. Good at covering my tracks.

I would have liked to have been a doctor too, OP, but I didn't realise that till my 20s.

Lots of vague encouragement from DM that I could do whatever I liked, but no support or help to figure out what that might be. She out and out says I was neglected now. Benign of course.

Took one of my sister's old bras when everyone else in school had started to wear one. Bought my own first new one when I was about 14.

I was the same as you, op. Parents didnt ask where i was in the evenings. But if i was a minute late for curfew my dad would be in the car looking for me. Until I started clubbing at 15 and then it didnt matter what time i got home.

My mum didnt want to attend parents evening because ‘theres no point’ as she thought i was doing well as i was clever. Underachieving because i did no work though.

At the time I used to think my parents were too strict, always had a curfew and Dad would be outside the church hall to meet me from the youth club (& take all my friends home). When I had a teenager myself it made me really appreciate all the support and encouragement they gave me, although I used to think they were 'interfering', like all teens I suppose you never really appreciate your parents at the time.

Born 81 and the complete opposite, unfortunately. I'm aiming for a middle way with my child.

Born in 1980, yes very similar!

Completely left to my own devices with regards to career/education. I'm really sorry that happened as I was very bright but very lazy, I could well have gone to university and had a 'proper' career. I was allowed to go to school, (I always went) but not really bother doing any of the work!

Loads of freedom, went off to all sorts of places from my early teens, regularly out in a big city 30 minutes away and smoking in nightclubs from 15/16!

I didn't really go badly off the rails, except for the smoking, and a slightly promiscuous spell but fortunately took a grip of myself at around 20 before things went too far out of line!

All worked out OK in the end, DH, lovely family, great house, decent job. I do have quite a distant relationship with my parents though as I was 'abandoned' fairly early on. Not sure it was uncommon in those days though.

Same here tbh. Born in 84 and mum was a single parent working 3 jobs. I basically parented my little sister from about 11 and could cook a full Sunday roast, travel pretty much anywhere, and had very little parental involvement. I even dealt with the teachers I thought had been over-mean to my little sister!

Even now I parent her 😂

I was born in '79 and my parents were similar. I got a weekend job in a restaurant at 13 and had my own money and lived my own life basically. Could come and go as I pleased, no bedtime, did my own laundry, cooking, ironing. I could have gone wild but actually I was quite responsible.

Where I really feel let down by parents is from 18-23 roughly. My parents divorced when I was 18 and that was it. They were both of living their own lives and it was that early adult age I could have used guidance with dating, career, etc. I was adrift and lonely until I met DH at 24. I can't imagine not being a part of my DC's lives like my parents.

1982. I had completely the opposite experience with very pushy parents. Grew up rural with no footpaths (and wasn't even permitted to walk into town; it took about 40 minutes anyway).

input into my GCSE options - too much interest, they were forever calculating points scores for university. I lied to the Head to tell her my parents were ok with me switching out Accounting to do Art instead.

No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job - not allowed to, as I was supposed to focus on studying and anyway I'd never get a lift. I tried, a couple of times, but despite the fights I didn't really realise they couldn't physically stop me. Once I was sneaking out the door to go to some event I was volunteering at on a Sunday morning and they caught me and I wasn't permitted out the door until I'd been to Mass, so I was driven in and then was left to walk home from town, by which point I was an hour and half late, and had been replaced and tutted at when I showed up.

• being taught how to behave at work - I worked for my dad every summer as a teen, and I learned a lot about typing, how to dress, what is expected as professional behaviour etc., so I can't blame them there.

No interest really in what I spent pocket money on - in the high school years I was given £20 a month and I kept a copybook ledger and a cash box and was pretty meticulous about it. My dad thought it was great, my mum once flicked through it and commented that i was very mean with my money, and after that I felt bad about it and stopped budgeting.

No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time - I was driven to school and back, and never allowed to go anywhere on my own on weekends or after school, I needed lifts so I was at their mercy.

No supervision of homework etc - constant trying to catch me skiving. If my mum came in the door to talk to me, my dad would be peeping in the window behind to look at my work. I did two hours supervised study at school until 6pm (my mum didn't work, she just didn't want us underfoot) and then after Home and Away I went up to do more from 7-9pm. Sometimes I'd crash on my bed exhausted and my mum would come up and feel the bed to see if it was warm. I spent a lot of time in a room on my own with homework, and a patrol on the door.

No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really. - same, if I ever wanted to do what the other kids were doing I'd be told that if left to my own devices I'd be pushing a buggy around Dunnes before I was 18 and I'd have no help from them. This was very unfair. I didn't even know any boys apart from my younger brother, it was an all-girls school and a rural area. I was caught with the pill in my handbag at 18 once when I came home from uni, and my mother cried, called me a whore, and they told me they didn't send me to uni to go to "sex camp".

No interest in me as a person - I think they were, but my goodness, it was all expressed in terms of "doing better". I've since married a charming, energetic man who earns a high wage and is a great dad, and I have a professional career myself and work my arse off, and now even though I earn the least of my siblings I am probably the one who they think turned out "best". But my parents live on an island nation (an Emerald Isle, if you will) and every one of us offspring has put sea between us and them.

No interest in my uni life - I found out one weekend that my father had raised a dispute with the uni because they wouldn't keep a record of what lectures I'd attended and give him the results. Uni said "they are adults and we trust them to show up", which my father thought was frankly outrageous. He also did a lot of business with the bank branch in our town, so he used to go in and get them to print out a statement of my student account so he could see what i was spending. (I was always fairly frugal, so this was beyond insulting.)

I was born in 88, had the same upbringing, I never went off the rails though. The most that would happen was I was out till like 3am, just in the park near my house or at a house party. I used to drink with my friends in the park but have never been drunk, I stopped drinking when I left school at 16, I never smoked and never took drugs and that’s still the case now. I guess when one side of your family are alcoholics it’ puts you off, I also grew up in a pub so saw what drink did. I don’t find it helps situations, usually makes them worse. I had conversations with my Mum, we are very very close and only got closer over the years. I know some of my friends mums controlled everything and guess what, one is a druggie, another is the village bike and another has like 5 kids with 4 different guys. They were put under so much stress by thier parents the rebelled. I’m pretty laid back it’s my kids, DS just started high school, he has asd but he chose which school he wanted to go to, he will choose what he wants to do for GCSEs, at the end of the day they should have the choice as they have to live with it everyday. His homework is limited, I feel like the 90’s & early 00’s were the best years to grow up in. I do think this generation are very mollycoddled. My kids know I care and they have free time, on target for most things and above target for the rest.

Yes quite similar although they also managed to be suffocatingly protective and smothering to the point I suffer with claustrophobia.

I'm 1978 born and the level of parental input I had was pretty much like the OP. I definitely felt loved though.Lived with 3 girls at uni. One had 'relaxed' parents like mine. The other 2 had more involved parents who turned up at start of term, painted their rooms and put up shelves etc.

Ps Is it bad to say that I hope my daughters just get on with their homework at secondary school. The idea of having to help with essays fills me with dread.

I’m much more involved with my teenagers life now. He likes to have his own life, of course, but I’m there with him every step, keeping an eye out for him even if he isn’t always aware of it.

I got to university and a good degree but looking back I don’t know how I managed it. I was left totally to my own devices and going to pubs aged 15, totally wild and surrounded by people taking drugs who had no jobs and many of them went a bit mad, feckless or died.

My siblings went completely off the rails and have pulled themselves back in adulthood but it was a struggle.

I was born in 1976. Very loving parents. Very strict when we were children and then - boom - we were left to our own devices.

I always thought that they put the work in when we were young so could put their feet up and trust our ability to make choices.

We all got to uni but man, I took massive risks along the way.

Someone said earlier about their parents leaving school at 16. My Mum left at 15. They wouldn't have had to study.

They were quite liberal in their outlook and saw themselves as quite cool I think. They also wanted a life. Four kids is a tough shift. I think they deserved a break. Suited me - I had a great time.