We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

I think a lot of this could be due to the fact so many of us 70s babies had young parents- my mum had me at 23- so by the time we became teenagers they wanted to live a bit and were still quite young- my mum went back to finish her architecture degree when I was 11 and became a partying student again- so often parents were quite keen to get their lives back and give us our independence.
Mine were very liberal and from 12 I'd definitely have been getting myself into town (local) etc and organising own social life but mine did advise with GCSEs etc
I do think it's gone to much the other way though- no one had their parents with them at university open days for example which I think was a good thing

Born 83 and felt very guided and loved by both parents. They both worked opposite shifts (low paid, very much working class family) which ensured someone was always around to give me breakfast, get my tea etc. They advised with gcse choices, jobs, colleges and so on. Maybe they weren't the norm though. I planned my own homework and revision as I was quite solitary and basically a huge nerd! They had high aspirations for me and always hoped I'd go to uni and get a career as neither of them had the chance, I guess I just rolled with that. So I don't think they needed to parent as much as others as I never really expressed any rebellious/typical teen behaviour

I was born in 81, my brother in 84. We were both loved, cared for and supported in every way, without ever being interfering or overbearing. My parents both helped with our homework, discussed options at every point (GCSE, ALevel, Uni choices) always being neutral and only offering their thoughts when we asked.
We always had what we needed, a good allowance until after GCSEs, then got jobs in the sixth form, which they helped us to get to and from. Taught us to drive etc and paid for the lessons and first car.
We went on family holidays, days out regularly and neither of us really hid in our rooms that often.
Our house was where we all gathered to get ready for a night out, my mum always fed us and dad picked us up afterwards. My friends used to sit at the kitchen table discussing the gossip with my mum the next morning 😀 (they would never have done that with their parents though)!
I am very similar with DS now. And forever in awe of the fantastic job they did! I never realised how hard it was to give your children freedom to do what they need to do, whilst maintaining a balance of safe boundaries - which I am now living through with DS!
They were fab parents and to be honest continue to be as great 'parenting' me as an adult. I'm extremely close to them now in my 30's and they continue to offer support (mainly emotional over the past 15 years) in a non judgemental way, exactly how I need them to.

Born 1980

My mum and dad divorced when I was a baby, we went to live with my grandparents until I was 9 and my mum went back to work full time, so my gran did a lot of the 'parenting'. Even after we moved out and I was at secondary school, I used to go to my grans after school to do homework until mum finished work. I did a lot of dance classes which my grandad would take me to.

input into my GCSE options, mum and step dad did get involved with this.
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work. No but mum used to moan at me to get agency work in the holidays.
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on. Didn't have much pocket money. My mum used to buy what I needed.
interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time. I wasn't ferried about everywhere and I did seem to be quite free but I did have to be back for tea. I felt some friends had more freedom.
No supervision of homework etc. Mum or gran used to ask if I'd done it, but tbh I was pretty bright and sailed through school work and exams so I just used to get on with it.
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really. Not really, they assumed I'd read up on it all (which I had) or watched programmes.

My step dad was more 'involved' than my dad which I used to resent and was quite strict about boys etc. And times to be back home. I only saw my dad on weekends and he was a drinker so he didn't have much parenting input, we were more like mates really.

I did well at school and uni but I had no guidance on finding a career, didn't have much confidence and became more interested in partying so I feel I could've made more of myself. Then taking time out to have kids later on kind of ruined my career chances. I had to do chores round the house when my mum was out at work in the holidays. It did make me quite independent though.

Similar age to OP

Don't remember much about GCSE options but I remember talking to them about a level and uni choices but ultimately it was up to me

Saturday job etc - did that myself no input but not sure really what input there'd need to be?

Homework - not sure. I was really self motivated back in the day so didn't need much input. They did get me a maths tutor right before exams.

Very much had to account for what I was doing when out and they were very judgy and old fashioned. That being said I was out drinking at 15 and now I have a 13 year old I find that a bit

They cooked my meals though and everything but no never any deep and meaningful conversations.

Tbh ds is 13 and in the last year or so it has become VERY obvious that a few of his friends parents think their job is done. They provide for them but there's no interest in the kids life, no input into to school or facilitating of a social life with lifts or whatever. I find it really really sad.

1977 and exactly the same for me.

I think you’re right Thirtyrock39 my mum was 22, me and my siblings had all moved out by time she was 44. Both my parents were brought up in abject poverty and had terrible childhoods. I don’t think they had any point of reference for parenting.

I was born in 1977 to hard working parents who loved me very much. I was carefully looked after as a child but given huge amounts of freedom as a teenager, much more than I give my teenager now. I worked hard at school so my parents trusted me to make my own decisions about academic choices. Parenting was just different then, certainly more hands off than now but not neglectful.

Re parents age being a factor - my mum was 40 when she had me and I was 24 when I had ds

@cookingonwine that's some ripe old age you've reached!

My parents were 17 and 18 when I was born.

Not sure that accounts for much - my Mum is still my best friend now though she is always there for me and my siblings if we need her despite being in our 20's/30's.

Same for me. Not parented from about 9. Had a set of keys, used to come and go as I pleased, get myself and my clothes washed and ready, made my own lunch, left before my mum woke up.

Zero input in to my schooling, unless it was to criticise. I remember her friend asking her how many gcses I was taking as her DD was taking 9. My mum didn’t know I was taking GCSEs! 😂

Born in 1978 and yes i felt the same. I felt a bit like my parents just didn't care so our relationship was very strained throughout my teen years. Looking back i suppose they were concentrating on my younger brothers (one is 9 years younger than me and was a handful!). I really took advantage and was drinking, smoking and going clubbing from the age of 14.

My dd is 15 and is the opposite to how i was but that worries me as she doesnt have much of a social life and isnt rebelling in any way. Lovely for me but im not sure how healthy it is.

I'm older - 1966 but could have written your post - we were secure and loved for sure but left to roam and do as we pleased. We were quite poor though so we never got taken anywhere and if we went to the park it was just my brother, cousins and friends, no adults. I didn't go to uni until I was 24 and decided that was what I wanted.
My kids have a totally different life - a good life, I hope, but no independence.

Parenting was just different then, certainly more hands off than now but not neglectful.

That's the thing surely lots of parents then were raising us how they were raised? My parents certainly trusted me a lot more & gave me more freedoms than I would give my DC but my mum left school at 16 & moved abroad at 17. My dad was walking to school at 6.

Yep- born '81. Was prepped from a young age to look after the house and siblings who were boys.
My parents had no idea what I was up to beyond 12. Earned decent enough money as pot washer at the pub next door on weekends to clothe myself and they did my laundry and that was it. No interest in my education, they thought it would all work out- lucky for them it did because I was bloody motivated to get out if there, start my own life and have a family of my own. I pay myself on the back from time to time because nobody else does!!
My kids get plenty of investment from me and their Father and will continue to for as long as they need it/ want it / accept it. All are pretty independent but in a different way to what I experienced it (ie- get on with it!)

76 and my mother definitely tried to parent me.

I think even now she probably still holds the world record for ‘number of teenage goths in a hatchback’.

I had to plot long and hard to sneakily do the stuff I wanted to do. Always got busted though.

Same here too. Born 1979 and just left to get in with everything.

Dd is at secondary school this year and I’ll be putting ‘find my phone’ on to the mobile I’ll be buying her for when she starts.

Can’t help it. Makes me so anxious that she’ll be off getting them bus by herself etc... could cry thinking of it. Seriously not ready for the independence I’ll need to give her.

I’ll probs drop her off and pick her up 😂

1974 baby and I'd love to be able to give my two the freedom I had to go off on my bike, alone or with friends, no cells phones, just needed to be home by a certain time. Not the night cycling though, especially when I was 16+ and had been in the pub.....

I had input up to A-Levels but no guidance when it came to university or career choices. Mind you, they had health problems so probably didn't have the energy for it.

I also did a lot of household chores and cooking from 13 onwards and it was made clear that if I wanted to live at home after uni, I'd be a contributing adult.

@Thirtyrock39 I think it's maybe more a sign of the times than just young parents. I had my eldest at 20 after being very under-patented. I am now one of those stressy parents who makes me 15 year old come home before its dark and needs to know where they are ALLLLLL the time 😂😂 I think I must drive her quite mad!

I think you've hit on something, OP. My background was middle class, very privileged in many ways and loving, present parents.

However, these:

No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

...were all true for me as well.

That said, we had a very stable, regular life and lots of opportunities in many ways.

I'm definitely very different with my DC in terms of our involvement in each other's lives.

My experiences very similar (born 1978) but I my school and university friends, and those I flat shared with in my 20s, had quite different parenting, with far more concern and engagement. People will be drawn to responding on this thread if the OP resonates with them, but I don't think this lack of parental involvement was normal in the 90s.

Yep. Born in 1980 and had a similar experience.

My parents loved me and would have helped if I'd ever asked but I was left to make my own decisions, without input really, for

• choosing a uni or course
• a level options
• whether to go out drinking
• what to wear (at 15 I went out cladding wearing nothing but a spandex catsuit)
• what time I'd get in, even on school nights
• whether or not I did homework
• from a level onwards, whether I went to school at all
• money. I worked all day Sat and Sun and had about £60 a week disposable income. I spent it all as I wanted.

No lifts anywhere or being entertained. I had to sort that all myself.

It was nice in many ways but also a bit looking back

I also think the job market is more competitive now so if I look at myself, my siblings & friends all born in the 80s the vast majority of us went to uni, some unis better than others, some of is fecked up a bit but we are all now pretty successful (homes, careers, etc). I feel like my dc can't dick about at all & need to be on that focused path from day 1 if that makes sense.

I was born in 1986 and my parents were exactly the same OP. I wasn't parented in my teens and to be honest I think they had stopped bothering well before that. I was the smelly kid at school, never washed or brushed my teeth. They never told me to, and how can a child know they should if no one teaches them? My Gran had to explain to me why we have to wash our bums when I was 12, and she had to show me how. My mum and dad just weren't interested. I never learned how to study alone, never did any homework throughout primary school. Got myself a saturday job at 14 because my mum never thought to buy me tights or deodorant and when I asked she would say "when I can afford it". They never guided me or helped me with anything like that.

My stepdad did try to give me some guidance when I was moving out, came with me to look at places and negotiate rent etc. He also got me to do a car maintenance course when I got my first car. Those are nice memories now, since he passed away. Feels like that was more or less the only parental support I had. Mum and Dad had 6 of us to look after and we all got the same indifference. Several of us have been "off the rails" at one time or another.

I saw this picture the other day that really hit me in my chest. I never thought about how little they seemed to care when I was younger. It seemed normal. Now I hear and see people all the time who have wonderful parents that they're very close to and I feel really very sad.