We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

I was born in 1967 and my parents were always very involved in my education and life in general. Sister and I both went to university and they were always very interested in what we were doing, although they had less input. Even now they're in their 70's, they still know what jobs we do and what our roles are within our companies. They can also tell you what my dc have taken as their options and my dad tutored my ds through his gcse maths.

DH's parents haven't a clue what he does and haven't shown an interest since he was at school.

Yes, same. But I was a teen in the 70's/80's

I came to no harm and turned out ok. In fact I think having to parent myself from an early age has helped me manage life quite well. My kids are a whole different story ….

I think perhaps I should have left them too it a bit more.

My parents cared but there was this weird idea that you just went off to uni and came back fully formed and with a top job at the UN. ...

Op mine is a very similar story to yours (born in 81). I look back in horror at some of the scrapes I got into (especially having a teenage dd now). I too did a health related degree in my late 20s. I often wonder what might have been.

Also a teenager of the 90s. I was parented right up until I left for uni. Glad I was because I was a horrible teenager and needed it. Had plenty of friends whose parents weren’t so involved.

I was born in 1984 and my teenage years were exactly the same. Probably partly due to my mum being a single parent to 3 and working full time, but I don't think she'd have been interested even if things were perfect.

Me and my siblings have all done well in our own ways, but we've all taken the long way round to get there. I don't remember ever feeling supported, encouraged to have any aspirations or like I had anyone to go to with an issue.

Born 1987. My parents were pretty hands off and both me and DSis went completely off the rails as teenagers but are going great now, I think they sort of knew but ignored it. I probably could have used a bit more direction but really appreciate that they taught me how to be independent.

DHs parents were the opposite and still expect to be very involved in every decision he and SIL make. It’s nice that they provide that guidance but as a result he’s incapable (at 35!) if making any decision without running it by them.

As a parent, I hope to fall somewhere between these two camps.

I'm the same. Born 1980. Pretty much left to my own devices and dad only bothered when it became apparent we were behaving like teenagers with no supervision!! By that I mean out at clubs etc. He sti has no idea I tanked my GCSEs, I had to sort all that out myself.

My older DC are teenagers and I find it hard as I don't want to 'over parent' as I belive the independence I had was good but I want to be involved and I have no blue print for that! Ds1 doing his GCSEs now and I know what he is doing, what grades he needs etc but worry I'm too involved/not involved enoigh!

I was born in 81 and had the same experience as you op. My parents definitely love me and now I'm a parent I feel confused by their lack of interest in me during my teenage years

I'm a few years older than you and had the same sort of experience. I was well-loved but not given academic or emotional guidance by my parents. I didn't go particularly off the rails though.

1972. Funny mix, I was home first so cooked most meals, emptied and relaid the fire etc from age 13 or so. Basically expected to behave like an adult but parents also very controlling “you love us too much to misbehave”.... worst of both worlds really. Has taken me til nearly 50 to exert independence and stop trying to please my mother. Wish I’d kicked up my heels and left asap - at least they gave me the life skills for that!

So often on MN, I'm made aware of how incredibly lucky I am with my parents. They were totally involved in all aspects of my teens and early 20s as much as I needed them but respectfully backed off when I didn't. Still go to them for advice and support now in my 40s.
Our DS has very recently left home and bought his first flat in his mid 20s. He still comes to us when he needs to talk things over and we've been helping him set up his home and researching career change prospects but only when he asks for input.
It's a delicate balance between support and interference but I am so very fortunate to have learned from the experts. I hope our DC always know they can come to is with anything but equally we know we need to give them the skills to succeed in their own right.

1976. Very little parental input in anything. I was let loose on what options I wanted to do in GCSE’s, which college etc. Very little help career wise, though my dm and df were pushing my db to go uni, I got zero guidance. We pretty much had to run a household, half terms were taken up by doing laundry, shopping, cleaning. Both df and dm worked full time so we had to pull together. I got a part time job myself when I went to college, I was motivated to do that myself, but was lucky my df would drive me to work. I did the job hunting myself. I was motivated as I was sick of my dps telling what I could wear and do. Didn’t have curfews as such as we didn’t go out at night, but knew if I wanted to go to a friends house I had to be back for 5 to start cooking dinner with dB as dm was home before 6. It was really quite boring. I wanted to join clubs like Girl guides and that was met with a no 🙄 I just learnt to never ask for anything it was always ‘no’. I’m on top of dds, homework, clubs, friends, interests etc. They do housework but one chore a day.

I hadnt eeally thought about this until now but yeah a lot of the experiences on here I shared. My parents divorced when I was 14, I was devastated and there was no support, jusy had to get on with it
I spent holidays looking after my younger brother and spent weekends drinking in the local park. I quickly learnt that people thought i was a 'butter wouldnt melt' child so got away with some shocking stuff 😂

1797 gave me a smile.

In a way I was 'parented' obsessively, and in a way entirely left alone. For example:

• my exam results were monitored and discussed down to the last detail
• there was extensive comment on GCSE/A Level choices, to the extent I was forbidden to do A Level Art because it had clearly held me back during GCSE (I got straight A/A* grades).
• I was forbidden from wearing certain clothes (ie., anything that was not unisex or loose)
• I was not allowed out on my own after 5pm
• I was not meant to watch TV.

On the other hand, I was left entirely alone in that no one checked I'd done my homework (I usually hadn't), and no one noticed if I was doing well at non-approved subjects. There was no interest in my friends, and my parents never noticed when I got very socially isolated. I came out when I was 15 and my parents simply told me it was a phase and to never speak of it; there was no discussion of socialising beyond that, so the fact I never had friends round between the ages of 13 and 18 was treated as a good thing.

I grew up very capable in some ways - I can't remember when I couldn't cook a basic meal, for example. But my parents had no friends, so they had no understanding it might be good for a teenager to have friends, and in retrospect I realise they actively discouraged it or made it difficult. Looking back, I realise I wasn't taught basic things like combing my hair properly, and I was banned from using anti-perspirant, or wearing more than one skirt each week, so I must have smelled. I remember a friend commenting that my school blouse was sweaty and needed to be washed, and I was mortified because I knew it was meant to be worn for another three days at least.

I don't think this was really 'normal,' but I remember that on two separate occasions, I or my teachers reported my parents to SS (my parents also hit me), and the response was very much to minimise everything. I remember vividly one social worker calmly telling me, in front of my parents, that he could see I was just fine as my parents had a nice home.

I definitely want to do differently for my DD.

Just fed and watered from the age of 14, had £1.50 spendo per week and I had to buy all my toiletries from that. Plus half a lager on my night out on a friday. Had 3 jobs while I was at college, I was loaded. Absolutely no interest in what I was doing, no advice about life. I was a feral kid from the age of 5, out until all hours.
I’m very different with my kids.

Similar. 1984. Not much input to school stuff at all. DM was interested in my group of friends and DstepDad helped me get a job where they both worked (reeks of nepotism now). I think I am right in saying I’m quite a bit brighter than DM and she just didn’t know what to do with me. I picked ok for my A/AS levels but had to resit some and ran away to the furthest university I could get to at 18 to get a mediocre degree. DM would have been happy with me working in the same place as her forever and living round the corner but I wanted (and thankfully got) a lot more than that through a combination of right places/right time and (eventually) hard work. We always had a strained relationship but since DD (3) arrived we are much closer and she now lives near me and relocated to do so. I do wonder why I was left so much to my own devices but she probably felt quite intimidated by me.

I wish my parents had looked into more about applying to Uni etc and had a chat with me about it all. It was basically left to me to do (and had college tutors etc helping). But I assumed we weren't well off, couldn't afford tuition fees so limited the places I applied to - didn't even consider going to Uni in London because I knew it was expensive.

I made quite life-changing decisions without any actual information and my parents just seemed to think I knew what I was doing. It all turned out ok, but I'm determined to actually get a bit involved with my own kids and find out the score when they're making these decisions!

I wasn't parented either, I was just 'owned' and 'controlled'.
Couldn't wait to get away.

Also I had to pay for my own train afire to see my DF once I started working on a Saturday... one of the main reasons I stopped going and neither of them offered 🙄 I started Saturday jobs at 14/15!

I wouldn't say I was parented after about 13 as such but I was supported/guided. But reading this thread, I was really lucky as a teen compared to some, I'm sorry.

As soon as I turned 12 my parents gave me the money they got for me for family allowance to teach me money management this included:
Dad helped me to open a bank account
Having to buy gifts for birthdays and Christmas
Buy my own clothes
Buy anything I wanted beyond basic toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, sanitary towels were provided) basically I could use the stuff my mum bought but if I wanted something different like tampons I'd have to sort myself out/request it be added to the household shop
I bought my leavers ball dress etc
Paid for driving licence and lessons (first car they put money towards as an 18th birthday present)

At 14 I started helping my mum at the shop at the weekend to earn a wage, as soon as I was 16 I was encouraged to get a job.l, dad looked over my cv, but refused to help me write it.

They stopped sending me to bed at 13, but did encourage me to maintain a sensible bedtime.

DB and I took it in turns to cook dinner either with or without mum.

Washing outside of the weekend was done as a "check everyone's wash basket to ensure you're putting a full load on" rather than just washing your own clothes

As for GCSE options, they were discussed, I was pushed towards some (French, failed) and dissuaded from others (food tech, I could already cook and unless I wanted to be a chef, what benefit?)

Homework and coursework, there was no input, just a question of is it done

No curfew, just communication - "I'm doing xyz, will be home at x"

I was treated more as as person with freedoms than as a child, to be told what to do.

If you ask my dad what the worst thing I ever did was, he'll tell you, I waited until my 18th birthday and went and got a tattoo after he had said not under his roof, he didn't talk to me for almost 2 weeks when he found out.

Born in 83.
My parents had little input into my GCSE and a level choices but my mum did come with me to the information evening. She was happy with my choices. There was no homework supervision, we were expected to crack on and do it. I think this is fair enough, I would like to know if my dc need help in the future but I don't expect to be checking a teenagers homework. (Am I being really naive about what is expected here?)
Conversations about relationships - loved sitting gossiping in the kitchen with my mum and aunties and would tell them most stuff. They would tell me stories and give advice etc. As I got older (over 16) I certainly wasnt giving details of my sex life but she knew the gist. I was allowed to go out clubbing from age 16 think in had to he home by 1, then in 6th form my curfew was 2. She would have said something if I went out more than twice over a weekend. Rarely did this because of money! As a younger teen she always knew where I was and had to be home by a certain time, we used to go into town from the end of year 6 and would spend the whole day shopping. I didn't really do the hanging round bus stop drinking thing that was big from age 13-15 I wasnt hard enough and neither were my friends!!
I went off to uni able to cook and fend for myself. I think they did a great job actually and to be fair I'm in my their house now with my dc while I recover from an operation so I'd say they've done more than their fair share!!!

SarahandQuack that's such a sad story. What's your relationship like with your parents now?

I wasn’t allowed near the kitchen, I left home at 18 and didn’t know how to use an oven or a washer. Had no ideas about paying bills. I didn’t cook Until I had DD.

I was born in the 70's and my parents encouraged me to get a Saturday job, I did dancing and guides. When I didn't do well in my exams they helped me sort a college course out. I think they were like this because they both had rubbish home lives when they were growing up. I think I was lucky and they were only 18 when they had me.