We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

Born 78.

Teenage years not much parenting from dad and mixed with Mum but generally quite liberal. Academic parents.

Had older sister who was a fairly wild teenager so they reigned it in a bit with me.

Education - a fair bit of involvement and advice regarding GCSE, A level, uni choices but essentially allowed to do as I plesed. Left to it with homework but would help if asked with essay writing which I struggled with.

Given lifts to my sporting activities from mum. However aĺlowed into city and neighbouring towns on buses once at secondary school. Mostly Saturday night's at ice rink or cinema aged 12.

Allowed to go youth hosteling in holidays at end of Year 10 and Year 11 with friends from my year group we fully organised the trip ourselves. I was 14 the first time. All my friends but one were also allowed - not sure that would happen now? Great experience and we came to no harm.

However out drinking at friends houses from about 13, pubs from 14 with much older friends (my mum joined us on at least one occasion), clubs from 15. Lots of drug taking from 15. Don't know if mum was aware. I expect she had a reasonable idea didn't say much. Got much of this out my system at a young age. Parents would leave us at home when they went in holiday and we had some fairly crazy nights/parties whilst they were away.

Emotional support lacking. No discussions about relationships etc.

Not much advice about work etc.

Moved away to uni when 19 and struggled as lacked self disciplin and suffered a bout of depression. I want quite as grown up and independent as I thought I was.

The ninties were quite different times. I do miss them and grateful I grew up then rather than now, before social media and smart phones. Yes, got myself into a few scrapes along the way but I'm the whole glad if the freedom and independence I had. It was denitely easier to get away with things back then due to the lack of phones etc.

I was born in 1982 so at secondary school 93-98. My mum was a very involved parent, dad not so much. My mum was very supportive over everything, GCSE choices, issues that I had at school, we did a lot together in the school holidays, she helped me get a Saturday job and would drop me off (probably to make sure I went!) I was and still am extremely close to my mum, and I've always been able to talk to her about anything. Perhaps I had a very sheltered childhood when I look back at it, but I'm glad I was parented in this way.

1982. No real input at all now that you've got me thinking. I'd go out drinking from 17yo, no curfew, no questions. Got myself into massive debts at 19, no fucks given. I actually feel like they didn't care but I never felt un loved or not cared about.

Weird. I'm a very involved parent and very over protective of my 11yo and 9yo.

My brother and I have talked about it a few times since and we both agree that we didnt really learn about the world until we left for uni and learnt from our peers there who were just so much more independent and capable than we were.

This is so true. Even today one of the meals I make regularly was learned from my flatmate!

Thinking about it my parents had lots of good intentions but never quite finished a thought, e.g. 'I could ask someone in the village who works as a solicitor if they need some help round the office' re a Saturday job for me, but never quite got around to it or worked out how I'd get to this other village etc. I see it with them and my younger brother, who really does need guidance in everything (I was at least able to learn fairly quickly).

1977 born, exactly the same, zero interest of support / encouragement at school, a-levels, left home at 17, neither of my parents (divorced when I was 2) really know me at all, they wouldn't know anything of my achievements in terms of travelling etc. Watching this post with interest

This strikes a lot of chords! I’m an 82 baby too. My mum was a single parent in the 90s too so don’t know how much that also impacted things as she was busy with working and younger siblings.

All my basic needs were taken care of but there wasn’t much input into my choices/life. From secondary school there wasn’t any input or supervision of homework/school. No input into GCSE or A level choices. No questions about revision plans. I was just left to get on with it and make the selections alone, luckily I got on well academically but don’t know what would’ve happened if I’d been struggling. No thoughts on my university choices, went to all the open days alone and did everything myself, although they did take me there in my first week. No offers of money (although they didn’t have much) just the occasional food shop, although I always worked holidays anyway and had part time jobs from 15. To be fair neither of them went to uni so they didn’t know much about it.

Was allowed to go out with friends whenever I wanted with no curfews, out to pubs/nightclubs at 16 out till after 3am etc. Luckily I was sensible and had good friends so didn’t go off the rails. Although in younger teens social life was curtailed by a lot of babysitting for younger siblings.

I’ve got on ok in life but I’ve always lacked confidence and ambition which has really held me back in some ways and I do wonder if this would have been different if I’d been given some more support/guidance/encouragement...

Oh yes and no imposes bedtimes, I remember my y6 teacher was shocked I was allowed to stay up and watch a programme on after the watershed.

@bananamonkey

Haha yes. I remember being unable to sleep for weeks after being allowed to watch horror movies

Salems Lot was terrifying

Totally inappropriate scary adult TV we allowed to stay up late and watch.

My mum was a single parent though and (not saying single parents do this!! Just that mine did!) She treated us as her social life and kept us up late as I guess she would be lonely otherwise.

Treated us like mini adults.

Re the GCSEs and alevel and uni...well tbh if you can't manage your own school work at that age, somethings not right

You're old enough from.years of schooling by 14 to know what happens if you don't get your work done: you fail and also get detention.

I prefer the take responsibility approach that what is currently on the higher education threads: mum of a medicine applicant etc. That is way too intense and I would have told my mum to back off

Born late 1970s, and no, not at all. In fact I was a third kind of half-parent to my younger siblings. In some ways it was good, looking at how they turned out, unable to do anything for themselves. On the other the constant criticism of what I'd done and demands for yet more or I was a variety of unpleasant names didn't do me many favours.

I often find it very annoying that I'm considered independent and capable and therefore I've always been left to fend for myself in every way... whereas those who are less independent get everything handed to them on a plate. It's a constant question of balance isn't it. On the one hand I'd like my kids to have easier lives, on the other I want them to be capable of looking after themselves.

86 I do remember being v strictly parented until about 12. Ask to leave the table, no tv at the table wasn't allowed ears pierced. My dad left in 1997 and I remember thinking oh shit mum will be even stricter but she wasnt. She took a huge interest and was a great parent but she hadn't a clue what I was up to. Think she just gave up parenting and just let me get on with it.

You're old enough from.years of schooling by 14 to know what happens if you don't get your work done: you fail and also get detention.

For me and many others, it's not about "doing work". It's about knowing what are suitable GSCE choices (for example) in the real world, what careers there even are and what actual steps you would take to go into them, what skills you need etc. Stuff that I now know from life experience but not from writing an essay for my homework.

Even stuff like what to actually look for in a university or course, how much money I need to earn/I can borrow/ my parents are eligible for - none of this was available on the internet etc in the early 90s.

Even how to revise. My friend brought round a GSCE Maths revision textbook one day and I thought it was amazing. I had no idea such things existed or how I could buy one at 15.

Very similar here...born in 1974. I really really really wish someone somewhere had taught me about financial management. I only really started to get it when I turned 40 after an adult life of debt. Bit no, no real input...and I was cooking family meals for the three of us while still in primary school, my mum was single parent and worked. I have no issues with it whatsoever (except the financial side, above) as I was raised to be independent. My mum gave me no advice whatsoever other than don't marry young!

I was born in 83. One older sibling and 2 further siblings born after me.

My dad was/is a dictator who had zero input into our daily lives and left everything to my mum. I know my mum tried (I have some memories of when it was just me and my brother and we were cared for by her), but when the other 2 arrived I feel she got totally overwhelmed and almost just left us all to it.

My dad went out drinking at first once a week, then in later years 2/3/4 nights a week and left us all with mum, who had no control over us. We had no structure, no bedtimes, myself and my brother would kill each other and be still awake at 11/12pm, and then I remember being dead tired getting up for school next day. To this day I don’t speak to my brother as we had such a fighting - filled childhood that was never addressed or helped by my parents and looking back he basically bullied me for years and my younger siblings.

We were poor (yet my dad found the money for drink) even in later years when my mother also worked there was a constant air of no money in the house because I think both of them were awful with financial issues. None of us ever bothered asking for cash for school trips or outings because it was not even something that would be considered. Their house has the same decor and furniture it did when I was 16 (I’m 36 now) and they have no pride in their home.

We were never checked in with in terms of what was going on in our lives, just a case of we were the nuisances in the background. Nothing was ever done ‘for us’ it was all for them and we just tagged along. Holidays included. We used to go to a place near the coast and were made feel like the biggest inconveniences ever by asking to spend even just one day at the beach.

Our house was a tip and i was embarrassed to bring what friends I did have home. I went to school in clothes with holes and remember having a washbasket in my room full of clothes that never left it. In secondary school we had a uniform that consisted of a jumper/kilt then generic socks and white shirt. I was 12/13 and had to try remember to wash the uniform as no one ever did it for me, many a time I would forget and have to fish out last weeks socks or shirt from the wash basket to wear on the Monday.

I was bullied in school and the only time my parents ever addressed it (well my mother) was when my brother came home passing on a comment my tormentor said to him about me. My mother acted concerned and said she’d try join me up to local activity clubs to try make new friends. I excitedly picked 1/2 clubs I’d like to try and never heard any more of it.

People talking about lifts to part time jobs or afterschool activities - only my dad drove and it was like trying to get blood from a stone than to get a lift from him (he never offered only ever gave them when nagged by my mother). I vividly remember a part time job I had in college that on the one or two weeknights I might do I would finish at 9pm (retail shop) and instead of him coming to collect me so we’d all be home at 9.15/9.20pm, I’d have to get 1/2 buses on my own in the cold and dark and wouldn’t get home until past 10pm sometimes.

There are so many bad things when I think of it. Even now I have zero to identity with them (I’m successful and have my own beautiful family but none of it is due to any input from them, it’s despite them not because of them) and even they way they go on now and the things they do they repulse me.

None of me or my siblings have a great relationship with them and they seem to have this sense that we all owe them deeply and should respect them the same way other people respect their parents, however it’s very hard to respect people who didn’t actually parent you and the only achievement they seem to have with us was they ‘allowed’ us to live with them.

It’s only as my DS gets older I realise what I do/will do for him as his parent that glaring gaps appear in my memory of what wasn’t done for me. Even something as simple as a bedtime/ bedtime routine and having clean clothes and a nice home for him. I want him to feel loved the way I never did, and the only thing I feel i can thank my parents for is showing me what NOT to do.

I was a teen for half the 90s. My mum was too busy partying to bother but my grandparents were there and they parented me. My mum wanted to be a cool mum and my best friend so didn’t give me boundaries like curfews or not Allowing going to nightclubs at 15. I’d get nightbus home from a big city at 15 at 4am on my mother’s recommendation so She didn’t have to pay for a taxi. My rebellion was sobriety. It pisses her off to this day. I did parent my younger brother From when he was 8 /I was 12 because he needed boundaries and it did affect our relationship in the long run but he was way too impressionable and naive to have the kind of freedom I had.

Mid sixties here and no, no parenting. Some dictatorship and stupid rules but that's about it,

I was born in 84 and compared with a lot of stories here I think I probably was "parented" a fair bit. A big factor, though, was that I was at school till 7pm Mon-Fri, and till ~5pm on Saturdays, and lived 15 miles from school so my friends weren't local and I just didn't really go out much as a teen. Plus I was not cool so nobody would have invited me anyway.

I can't remember how much, if any, input into my GCSE options my parents had, but they knew what career/uni course I wanted and helped me towards that, supporting me getting work experience, paying for me to go to open days (they didn't come with me) and being a sounding board for my worries about it.

They did ask me a lot about school and I was probably the typically recalcitrant teenager giving monosyllabic answers for some of the time! They didn't stand over me to make sure I was doing homework but would always check if I'd got things to do before letting me watch TV/go on the computer. Overall I think they did ok with me :)

I was the last of three and the only one to be headed for Uni. Very little input other than “have you done your homework”

I guess it was mainly because I was doing OK going it alone. My older siblings had way more input, mainly because they tended to fuck up more. I learned from them what not to do.

Yep- same here and probably younger too. I was born 1974.

I definitely felt very loved and had a warm and happy family life but:

my mum never played with me, ever as far as I can remember (or imagine)- my dad would occasionally play a game of cards or do a one off project with us but very rarely. Playing was for siblings and friends , otherwise i had to entertain myself.

From the age of 9 I got myself to school on the bus by myself and let myself in with a key when I got home.

From about age 9 ish, but certainly from secondary school they barely cooked dinner during the week - I would help myself to a mid eighties ready meal or a sandwich or something.

No input on homework (and they were highly educated) unless I specifically asked for help with a question. They never knew . what homework I had or checked if I'd done it or not (usually I hadn't)

like you, no input on GCSE options, Saturday job, how to behave at work etc etc- all done by me.

No conversations about friendships/ boyfriends/ sex etc. Although I did spend quite a bit of time with my dad and had good chats with him, they were mainly about other stuff/ intellectual stuff that he was interested in, not my life specifically.

They were always supportive and kind though, came to all school concerts etc and I always felt very loved and gained a lot of independence. So not sure if it was good or bad. I'm definitelty a bit too much of a helicopter parent now and think that my DC are perhaps not as independent or resilient as a result. Interesting to read all the replies

Yes much of this resonates with me. Also started secondary school in 1993. My parents were very supportive when it came to practical matters. But not emotional or intellectual needs.

For example. I always had clean uniform, food on the table, pocket money and clean bedding/ laundry done. Everything was done for me. If I needed paper, pens or a book then my mum would buy it. She woke me every day for school and helped me with breakfast. My dad always gave me (and often friends) lifts into town or to parties.

However I was left to it a lot. The only joint activities with my parents would be watching TV, playing scrabble and the odd day out at the seaside or theme park. I don’t actually remember my parents ever playing with me like they do with their grandkids.

I don’t remember my dad ever reading to me. I think my mum read to me often, but certainly not every night like we do. And i remember her treating it like a chore (I’m mindful of that with my own dc)

I got my own job at 14. Went out to the pub from 14, regularly every weekend from 16, parents didn’t really know where I was going or how much I was drinking. I was responsible and never got into trouble. I had nice friends and so I guess they weren’t worried about me.

I don’t remember any cuddles. Was never told I was loved. Never had a heart to heart. Just expected to get on with it.

No real input into school or course/ career pathways looking back. It was always me informing them (usually my mum) and them encouraging me to go for it, but not really giving any specific advice because they didn’t have a clue. I remember struggling with maths and asking for a private tutor and mum scoffed at the expense. Thought it totally unnecessary as I was bright. She was right and I went on to get an A.

I went on a gap year overseas to a developing country at 18 and didn’t speak or email my parents for 2 months. Can you imagine? I remember at the time thinking that was weird and why weren’t they bothered by the lack of contact! Even at uni, we didn’t speak often.

I think my experience was fairly typical. My parents were WC, no qualifications and went to secondary moderns. Used to walking into jobs. Paid weekly cash in an envelope. Times were different then. Their was no internet at home to look up options, google educational or child development stuff like we do today. No mumsnet! I think their backgrounds were neglectful- sent out into the street to play to get out of the adults way. Seen and not heard. Expected to get a job young and pay your own way.

I think a balance is good. I enjoyed a lot of freedom. I developed my own ideas. I was not coached or spoonfed by anyone. I’m resilient. I carve my own path. But I would have liked to have felt more love, care and attention. Even now my parents are very good at practical support , but not really emotional support.

For those of us who were 70s kids (and possibly the early 80s ones), presumably our parents were the first post war generation who themselves were brought up by parents who were absent or traumatised to some degree.

My own mother was brought up in a highly loving but single parent family - big family network but when push came to shove her mum had to go to work and my mum had to fend for herself and her little brother from a young age. My dad was very close to his dad but my grandpa (like most) had seen some horrific things and he had a 'good' war. These things then have a knock on impact down the line.

I was talking to my mum about this as I have year 6 kids. We are going through a loosening on the reigns (walking to school by themselves, being able to stay at home for short periods etc) and mum said she did things with us, me especially that she didn't particularly want to do but had no choice. Once she started working full time when I was about 8 she had to trust me as there was no working from home/carers leave etc. I know that is true now for many people but also many of us do have more choice than our parents did.

I dunno. I know I was lucky in this but I guess my point is maybe our parents didnt get to chose that much either sometimes.

Born in 1975

My parents put me in a B&B close to my school whilst they went on holiday I was about 13/14

1979 here. My parents were very involved but they were thought of as extremely over protective back then. I think they’d be about normal for these days.

I was born in the mid-1970s and I agree, I was 'left to get on with it' but I was a swotty type and didn't need my parents to tell me what GCSEs to do, monitor my homework, tell me to come home on time etc. When it came time to think about university, I just wrote off myself for prospectuses so I could choose which courses to apply for, and IIRC it was more me asking my parents what they thought of this or that choice, than them overseeing what I was up to or directing me to a particular university.