We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

You were parented into your teens?

I wasn't parented at all, at any age.

My father was totally absent.
My mother constantly screamed and shouted at me, and used me as servant since I was born. She basically had children - so that they could look after her.

It definitely seems like alot of people are totally unable to look after children. The government need to care alot more about this - they need to give parents and children more help

The helicopter parenting that we all do now goes too far the other way. A 12 year old shouldn’t have to be reminded to do their homework!

I disagree with this.

My parents had this view. They never thought I needed to be reminded to do my homework, so, being 12, I never properly did it.

I teach students aged 18-21, and I know they are still young enough often to forget to do things. If you read studies of human development, you will know that a 12 year old is still very much young enough to forget things.

Yeah my parents gave zero fucks about most things.
Manners & housekeeping were my Mums two primary concerns for her daughters (and keeping our virginity under close watch well that didn't work )
I am going to have to learn how to parent by watching YouTube I think...

The government need to care alot more about this - they need to give parents and children more help

I think we can safely discount that possibility for the next 5 years.

I don't remember much input other than my laundry being done for me, and tea on the table.

I have a DS who has just finished Uni and I think that my lack of being parented has made me take more of an interest in his education and life in general.

My DM was quite young when she had me - I was the eldest. The re-married and had other DC so her time was taken up with the little ones and working p/t. I was quite free range and got away with all kinds of bad behaviour. Some of it has impacted on my adult life - but overall I became very independent and have always managed with whatever life threw at me.

Perhaps it's just different now as back then you could leave school and walk into any number of jobs. Save up and buy a house. It's more difficult now to find employment, especially that which can pay enough to get on the housing ladder.

I'm the same age as you, OP and recall a very similar switch off at age 12, although my mum was a single parent so it was only one person opting out of my life. Dad was around but no real energy, and I think he just found my teen years perplexing.

My mum leaned in to her career at this time, which was good for her, however she would often be at work late, leaving some microwave meals and the opportunity to run wild from me being 12. She had no qualms leaving me and my sibs alone in the house. She never came to a parents evening, concert or other school event from the age of 11. She didn't engage with my schooling, and says now she thought I was on top of everything. Careers guidance was none existent (did anyone else do the Career Quest ticky box job matcher?! Me and half the class were destined to be probation officers!).

She had a troop of unsuitable boyfriends, some very much younger. From me being 14 I would go nightclubbing, telling her I was sleeping at my friend's house. She would often disappear to her bf's on a booty call late in the evening. I would phone from a phone box and if she didn't pick up I knew she was at his place and didn't bother going home.

I used to take terrible risks and I don't think she was blind to my shenanigans, she just stopped caring. I have teens now, and can't imagine being that way with them.

I'm just going to throw the possibility that the rise of so-called 'Helicopter Parenting' is a reaction to those 'hands-off' parenting experiences?

I genuinely don't know, I'm just reflecting a bit.

@WoodliceInSunderland I was the same, I remember I used to be so jealous of the close families on tv esp the American teen programmes.

Born in 1985, when I was a teenager and in my important school years my parents decided to move to an area with an awful offsted rating school, I hated it, I started failing at school I begged to go back to old school which I finally did but had to get trains and buses to get there, by the time I had moved back all the gcse choices I wanted to make had been filled so was left with the classes I didn't want like food tech.
My parents never pushed me to do anything and actually discouraged me from going to college. I really don't understand their mentality. They hate education.
I was made to make my own breakfast, packed lunch and dinner from age of 12.

I couldn't imagine being like that with my Children.

My mother never ever made me dinner.

I learned to put a frozen mini pizza and chips on for myself from a very young age. I had that same thing for dinner every single day

Same here, born 1971. Parents never attended school events or parents evenings either. My mother did cook every night though. I wasn’t allowed to run the streets or go round town with my mates until I was 16 in case I caused trouble . Used to walk home from nightclubs at 3am half cut from 16 which I would be horrified if any of my DC did now, DD or DSs.

It bothered me a lot when I had my own DC that I was never taught to swim, ride a bike or was taken to the library to choose some books. No friends over or birthday parties/celebrations either.

I took all 4 DC swimming from a few months old and they could all ride bikes by ages 4/5. Saturday morning library visits until well into teens (then I’d still pick the older ones some books if they didn’t want to come). Play dates and birthday parties.No idea how I knew how to do that kind of stuff with them .

Born in the late 70’s and my parents were the same. They loved me but I had a fairly free rein. Even at the time I wished they’d ‘care’ more. As a result we aren’t overly close, always there for each other if needed, but not close emotionally.
As a parent I’ve made sure to go to parents evenings, discuss issues and just generally be there for my children.
I know my DM wishes things were different between us but it’s hard to break the habit of a lifetime.

My parents have a great relationship with my teen DC. As a concerned GM my DM is occasionally horrified that my DD is allowed to do something and it delights me to remind her of her parenting. Her reply? Much like the song, it was apparently “acceptable in the 80’s”!

My parents were there for me but didn't interfere! To be honest I have been hands off with my DD's - they made good choices without my input.

Born in 1979 and identical experience. Like a PP, I never fulfilled my potential either. No discussions on future, careers etc and just floundered, having chosen completely the wrong A-levels. I know my parents loved me, but they didn't seem to care that I'd disappear all weekend. We lived in the sticks, so wasn't unusual for me to do that as almost impossible to get home.
No conversation about relationships, feelings etc.
Age 19 (having moved out at 18 and then harming had to move back in), they announced they were moving 2.5 hours away, so 'helped' me (kicked me out) get a council flat.
They were both teachers.

I was born in 1963 and my upbringing was very liberal...we did not have any family rules and we were left to our own devices!! I can honestly say that myself and my sister actually thrived on the lack of rules and have had a great life and achieved. I have given my own children born in the 90s and early millennium the same upbringing and they are all lovely,thoughtful human beings!! I definitely think that children going to decent schools that they enjoy is the game changer..!!

Bluerussian Mon 27-Jan-20 23:07:49
I wasn't parented either, I was just 'owned' and 'controlled'.
Couldn't wait to get away.

I said the above earlier and ought to add I'm a lot older than most of you, my childhood was 1950s an 60s. On the whole it was awful but nobody knows what goes on behind locked doors. When I was a teenager I ran away a lot. That scares me now when I think of people like Rose and Fred West and what they did to runaways, however nothing like that happened to me thankfully.

I had my son at the end of '79 and his experience was quite different to mine, we had a good time. My husband had a decent upbringing though so that helped.

It’s not surprising that our parents didn’t help much with homework or GCSE choices - both my parents left school at 14 and went to work in factories, they no doubt thought 14 year old me know way more about exam subjects than either of them did.

DH was born in 82 and describes his teen years as very similar to yours, I was born in 88 and my parent discussed GCSE options, knew where I was, what I was spending money on, supervised homework etc, I've always put it down to DH's parents being a bit lax , he's always put it down to mine being controlling, I don't think it had ever occurred to either of us that it could be an age thing.

Born in the 60’s and have had supportive parents interested in my life, career, education, children etc. and they still are very interested and proud of me and my siblings. They both had difficult starts in their own families for various reasons so I wonder if they reacted against that and decided to do things differently. I have been so lucky to have great parents and appreciate them even more reading some of the sad posts on here.

I do think there will be a correlation between the hands off and the helicoptors.
My mum was /still is very huggy... She and my grandma pride themselves on being huggers. Even as a small child I can remember feeling smothered and thinking ewwww get off me. Now she jokes she's sent me the other way. I am not a hugger and will actively avoid it. My children get one when the need it but that is something I have to consciously make an effort to do rather than something that I feel comes naturally to me.

I don't remember the loving mother she thinks she was. It was /is still so needy and goes well with lots of other martyr ish things she likes to do.

I was born in 68 and most of my upbringing was somewhat similar except my mum (dad didn’t live with us and I hardly saw him) did talk to me about relationships a bit and she was happy to talk about O’level options but, and I remember this being said explicitly, she didn’t feel she could give me good advice because things were so different from when she grew up. She wanted to support me in thinking things through but she felt she had failed at relationships and didn’t really know what to advise me and she hadn’t gone to university (which was the path I was on) and her options had basically been to choose arts or sciences at her grammar school. So she wasn’t sure what to suggest.

She did, however, insist we pull together as a family a bit and we (my mum, my brother and me) took it in turns to cook a family meal each weeknight from, probably, the age of 14ish. She made sure we knew how to do things like laundry and pay bills.

We had a lot of freedom and didn’t really have to account for ourselves much. From the age of about 15 I was frequently organizing to go away for the weekend to do sports or visit friends I knew all over the country and in the summer I went off camping, youth hosteling, volunteering, etc. the six weeks was always too short. My mum would happily provide what support she could if asked but she had never done anything like it so it was mainly a matter of being a sounding board.

While I would have benefited from someone telling me a bit more about how to make the most of uni and how to network and shine in a professional role, that just wasn’t knowledge that my mum had, so I’m not sure how she could have done that. The rest of it, though, I think was mainly pretty excellent - I learnt a lot by being able to go off and do things and I have a lot of resilience, self-motivation and capacity to adapt, which I think are excellent skills to come out of your childhood with.

Basically it is totally luck of the draw - whether you get good parents or bad parents.

There are 8 billion people in the world. When we look around - we can see that there are loads of bad people around, so obviously there are loads of bad parents around.

There is so much that the government could do - to improve rights of children.

Now I remember another thing aswell.

I had chosen a career. I knew what I wanted to study. I had dreamed about it since I was a child.

My mother wouldn't let me do it. Simply because she wanted to exert her control. I wish now that I had stood up to her at 17, but she intimidated me alot.

That is a remarkably naive perspective, @angell84.

It would be great if we could separate parents into 'good' and 'bad' groups. But it is a lot more complicated than that. In many ways my parents were objectively bad (they were physically abusive; my dad was sexually abusive, albeit in quite a minor way). But they were also 'good' by the standards of this thread, because they helped me choose my GCSEs and so on. And, less superficially, they are also good because they have been (broadly) caring grandparents who recognise that they might need to change a bit.

Parents can change. They do not emerge, fully formed, at the moment a child is born.

@sarahandquack it is not naive in any way shape or form.

Child abuse by parents, is a massive, massive issue at the moment, in this world.

Why is it not being targeted by the Government. Why is not more funding being put into : parenting courses, help for parents etc, etc.

In the news just this week, there was a father who made his child stand outside overnight, and froze his child to death (America)

@SarahAndQuack I am not impressed with you calling me "remarkably naive" by the way. I have worked with abused children.

Jog on with your nasty words.