We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

Born a similar time to you but had the opposite issue- very much over-parented! My parents gave me loads of help with homework etc but were convinced that I would be somehow irresistible to boys and (despite no evidence of me wanting to do this) if they turned their backs for 5 minutes I would give up all my career plans to have babies with anyone who looked at me twice. The close involvement did help me get good grades but was terrible for my social development- I was the only girl at school who had to tell her parents exactly where she would be, and who with and agree a time to be picked up by Dad. Oh and not allowed to be with boys unless supervised by an appropriate adult. Right up to leaving home at 18! I'm not sure why I didn't just defy them, but I do remember the frustration of arguing the week before I was due to go to University that I should be able to go to a party at a male friend's house without them checking with his parents first- since in a few days they would have no idea where I was going or who with (they disagreed).

Have any of you had a conversation with your parents about this?

bellinisurge, no. I don't much care about my mum (I know that sounds awful but there it is). My dad… We have different issues now, well, somewhat related I suppose but to do with his life and choices these days. It is hard enough and upsetting enough to talk about those; in fact I mostly avoid them. One day, maybe, but I'm not sure I see the point now I'm in my 40s and have been totally independent for decades.

Born in 71 and exactly the same as you. My parents just had no idea about what i was up to. Not that I'm complaining; I feel that I had a very free, happy childhood and I would have felt quite stifled if they'd been like most parents today.

@ManonBlackbeak

"Being allowed to go shopping in a major city an hour away on the train with a friend at 14. Would never allow a 14 year old to do that now!"

Really?

I have a toddler and if he can't manage the above by 14 I'd have done something wrong!

Re the OP, I was a teenager in the 90's and I get where you're coming from. We were expected to get on with it more- had a job and was going clubbing by just turned 15!

I made all of my own decisions. I was more like my mothers flat mate by age 15 I think.

I was born 1976 and yes, similar. Got some odd jobs as a teen and about 14/15 had this pervy chef stroking my neck as a waitress. Parents never really interested. Went off with different boyfriends, never at home from about 16. A guidance teacher helped me do the UCAS form and I had a full grant for uni though so that was helpful. Without that might never have left

Talking of shopping in cities, parents left me and a friend when we were late back to the car, in a major city miles away, we had to find the station and catch the train back..(about 13/14). I remember my friend was in tears, I was kind of used to stuff like that. I guess it taught me independence though.

Yet you see so many people on here aggressively advocating that kids 11+ need nothing, need to get jobs, make their own dinner etc., and as for being driven to an activity or event, lazy little fuckers. 18 they are an adult and should leave home or give their parents money.

The contempt towards teens on here is chilling. Is it because so many people weren't parented, weren't taken care of any way, yet still say oh my parents loved me?

bingbangbing I agree. Why on earth wouldn't parents trust a 14 year old to go on the train with a friend to the next city and go shopping, during daylight hours, unless they lived in the middle of a war zone?

That kind of paranoid over protection produces incompetent young adults and is as neglectful as going too far the other way!

Why on earth would my parents supervise my homework when I was a teenager?

I was loved and fed and driven around as necessary (no public transport where we lived) but I wouldn't have wanted to be hovered over all the time. I think there is a lot of over-parenting now. I work in a university and there is far too much tendency for parents to swoop down to try to sort out everything for their offspring right into their twenties.

I was born early 70s and was very much parented until I went to university. I was pretty easy to parent though tbh. I doubt I would have gone off the rails even if my parents had been more hands-off. They didn't supervise my homework, because I just got on with it, but they would have stepped in if I hadn't.

There's a happy medium imo. I don't supervise my (11 and 14 yo) dc's homework. They need to take responsibility for it themselves and take the consequences at school if they don't do it. Otherwise you end up still standing over them nagging when they're failing to revise for their GCSEs or even A Levels.

Yet you see so many people on here aggressively advocating that kids 11+ need nothing, need to get jobs, make their own dinner etc., and as for being driven to an activity or event, lazy little fuckers. 18 they are an adult and should leave home or give their parents money.

You see almost no one on MN saying that teens need nothing. There is quite a contingent that says they need space to make their own mistakes and develop independence and that parents need to start letting go of the reins bit by bit so it isn't a matter of sink or swim when they hit 18. Quite a few that say that traveling by public transport is not beyond the vast majority of them. Quite a few that say they can actually be trusted near cooker. Quite a few that say they won't die if they're left on their own for a few hours.

Same.
I probably overcompensate with my own children TBH.

I am the same age as Op and I am still parented. Asian parenting never stops and I think it’s sad here that people have parents who stop trying to be parents at a specific age.

Asian parenting never stops
dont the parents want some freedom too?
Or is it a case of keeping control of the adult children so that they always feel obligated to the parents and will be there to provide any elder care that is needed?

@ UYScuti - I think it’s a good thing personally and in my experience most Asian kids start returning the favour for their parents fairly early. To give you an example of why it’s good — after I gave birth there were three Asian women on my long stay postnatal ward (including me) and we were the only ones who kept up breastfeeding after the first stressful week on the ward as our families brought us home cooked lactation foods, and gave proper practical advice about how to make milk come in - which the midwives / counsellors never did. When I went home mum came too and really looked after me - which helped my mental health immensely.

I was born in 1979 and still feel quite parented tbh.

it sounds great Grumpy, if that's what works for you and you clearly have kind supportive parents, you are LUCKY:)
personally I need my parents like I need a hole in the head and no way would I give them any opportunity to make me beholden to them.
The idea that I will be duty bound to help them in their old age fills me with horror, I want to enjoy my 50's and beyond without being shackled to elderly bastardspeople:o

Well I was born in 1958, so whilst I had cooked meals, clothes washed and ironed etc my parents had no idea about O and A levels. Why? Because neither had gone on past age 14 in f/t education because their families could not afford it. This was not their world but they were so happy for me to be able achieve more than them.

Times and expectations have changed so much, we always sat down as a family for meals, be it breakfast lunch or dinner.

Yet throughout my life I knew my mother loved me, she never told me, it was a given.

I was born in 1996 and my parents were similar to yours.

No input to GCSE’s.. no input on jobs, wasn’t helped with CV’s or applications. In fact I barely even spoke to my parents about my education or jobs.

But in my experience, I am much more ‘with it’.. logistical and independent than any of my friends who have been.. in a word spoon fed their lives.

I’ve got a professional qualification that I’ve been in since I was 17, met my OH when I was 17 also, brought out first house when I was 21 and have now settled down and had our first baby.

I remember getting my first job.. I was 13 and worked at a cafe at a tourist attraction, I also had to pay a percentage to my parents as rent, which was fair enough, it was explained and we agreed on a set amount, my phone bill also got put onto my direct debits, and subsequently changed over to my name when I turned 18, I had no help with driving lessons, I brought my first car.. and my second one.. and my third one. We saved for our house and didn’t have any financial help, to be honest my mum wasn’t in a position to help me financially anyway.

I wouldn’t say it’s ‘not parenting’ I think it’s just letting you find your own independence to help you eventually fly the nest and do it alone.

My DP was very much spoon fed, he didn’t even know how to sort out any paper work for the house, or how to do a quote online for insurances or utilities.

It’s funny how everyone is different.

I was a teenager mid noughties time.

I’m not really sure how I’d class the way I was parented. I definitely had a lot of freedom- from 16ish I was always out the house, would stay over at friends or boyfriends for days at a time etc.

However, I always had their support. They would always help with homework, give me lifts to and from work if I needed and that sort of thing, plus plenty of emotional support.

I’m late 20’s now and have a very good/close relationship with both of them.

GrumpyHoonMain while it's great that worked for you, everyone from my antenatal (NHS in fairly wealthy Surrey) breast fed for six months and by virtue of the demographic where we had our first babies the vast majority of us didn't have extended family within a hundred miles, nor even in a few cases living parents, and were only visited by our DHs and friends. The only Asian mum in the group did indeed successfully breastfed but was in the same boat as the rest of us as he parents lived in the Philippines.

There are age and wealth and geographical trends in breastfeeding and the UK has a dreadful record, but it's not due to lack of special lactation foods and visitors on the ward! I couldn't have thought of anything more off putting than relatives tryito advise me on making my milk come in - which happens as long as you let the baby suckle and stay hydrated, there's nothing more to it.

*antenatal class

I also managed to breastfeed for 18 months each child without any intervention or 'lactation foods'!

Very similar, same age bracket as OP. From a very working class background, my mother didn't want me to go uni and she stopped doing mum stuff for me when I was probably about 10, relationship got worse when I got to my teens. I think she wanted me to get married and pregnant young and would have been happier if I worked in a low paying job. I wished I had gone off the rails we haven't spoken in nearly 10 years as I finally stood up to her.

My DF was dyslexic and he's bright but struggled at school there was zero support for him in the 60/70s. He pushed me to go university, he had no experience of it or what it involved he just wanted better for me. So he didn't really know how to advised on school exams or what to study. He worked long hours and I wished he had been around more at home. We spent most of our free time together as my mother had little interest in me or doing anything. He actually did most of the house work, he couldn't cook so it was normally microwave meals!

I've often thought the help with school choices was a lack of knowledge from my parents, my DF knew I loved to study so pushed me.