We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

Really not recognising these experiences compared to my own from the 70s and 80s. I and siblings were first generation to go to university. Parents left school at 14 and 16. They didn't do helicopter parenting but were massively interested (or faked it successfully) in what we did at school work wise. They were very old fashioned so it was hard to talk about social life stuff with them or "feelings " but when I did, they were generally interested and helpful in their funny pre-war mentality way.
This lasted throughout their lives - interested in my work and not really communicative about social stuff but happy to give it a try. They regularly drove me mad and vice versa but they were never disinterested. I thought everyone was like that. Quite eye opening to see it wasn't.

@IntermittentParps I'm sorry but your mum sounds abusive. My heart aches for teenage you.

I'll bet my bottom dollar that your mums friend didn't say you were useless; that will have been your mum making that up to be hurtful. That's what mothers like ours do, try and pull other people in on the bullying and abuse, even just by making up that you are both talking about each other. Perhaps she even said to her friend that you said the friend was useless and you hated working with her, simply to stir up trouble and feelings of resentment.

I had quite a self absorbed mother, and never once got asked what I wanted to do, guidance on my education/exams, not a word about University prospects, or how I was doing at school. Any Saturday jobs I found myself. As long as I want being a nuisance she wasn't much interested in my development.

My dad, who I saw EOW was and thought I was so smart and had potential. He was a different kettle of fish

Mlou32, thank you, that's kind. And I'm sorry you had an abusive experience with your mother too. I know mine was (although I didn't realise it until well into adulthood). She abused my dad too.

TBH, knowing the area and the way many of the people I grew up around are, I think the person I worked for probably did say those things; and I probably WAS a bit clueless, slow and not great with my own initiative. But I was a teenager. A bit of firm but kind guidance would have done the job. But there we go.

Oh I'm glad I saw this thread. I'm finally, at the age of 36, thinking about having children of my own. All anyone ever talks or writes about is how hard it is and you basically give your own life up.

I was in no was neglected, always has clean clothes and food but was left to my own devices from around the age of 10 as I was a pretty sensible kid. If I wanted to do an after school activity or go to a party at the weekend it was up to me to sort it. Was never really spoken to about school work etc. My parents both did well in their careers and maintained a decent social life.

Things are different now and this is something I'm struggling to get my head around at the prospect of being a parent soon.

I'm also 1982 and basically pretty much the same experience.

I think it was pretty typical parenting at the time.

I was pretty much left to it as a teenager in the 90s too. I chose my own subjects through school with no input from either parent. Neither of them offered any help or support with university applications: I remember using my pocket money to pay for train fares for university interviews. My mum went on holiday and during that time I organised a university place and left school without so much as a chat with her.

I don't think they were being neglectful at all. They just (rightly) saw it as my responsibility to organise my own future. And I did alright despite my mother (who, in hindsight, didn't actually want me to leave home and was trying to obstruct me in doing so; but she's weird and controlling and all sorts of other undesirable things).

Weirdly, now with my own DS, my mum (who never helped me with anything at school, despite being a teacher herself) seems to think that I should be doing everything for him: structuring his essays for him, proof-reading them, basically doing all the work.

When I needed/wanted a part time job, she just told me where the job centre was. But seems to think it's my job to write DS a CV, apply fog jobs for him, and so on.

It's weird. And not helpful. Doing stuff for DS just makes him lazier and more entitled in his attitude. (And the fact is his grandmother totally reinforces this unhelpful attitude). And it prevents him from developing skills himself. There's no point in me applying for jobs for him; he has to because, ultimately, he has to pass an interview and do the bloody job. Not me.

Born in 1979 and my experiences were a mixture of most of those on the thread.

From the OP

No input into my GCSE options – absolutely not. My parents had zero interest or input into my academic interests and decisions.
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work – sort of. My parents were very keen to have me earning money and learning responsibility so would harangue me constantly about getting a job but didn’t offer any input into how and where this should happen so I did all the legwork myself to a soundtrack of my parents complaining that nobody had hired me yet.
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on – definitely not.
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time – definitely not
No supervision of homework etc – They didn’t supervise or show an interest in my homework at all which led to an odd situation at school. I always did my homework and was a bit of a school swot but I never talked to my parents about it and they never asked. Until my mum attended a parents night and expressed surprise at the fact that I didn’t seem to get any homework. For some reason, rather than look at the evidence of my homework always completed on time and accurately, the teacher decided that I must somehow be cheating because my parents hadn’t seen me working. I got into loads of trouble and it took ages to sort out with both my parents and teacher refusing to believe or understand that I was simply getting on with the work quietly in my room each night.

No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really. Again definitely not. It pretty much went without saying that feelings were not to be discussed with parents.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. – Absolutely this. I don’t think my parents did anything wrong as such, they were good people but this was the way it was.

In addition, my parents didn’t know my friends’ names –apart from one or two very close friends who would frequently come to the house. They didn’t know their parents at all though, no matter how close we were as friends. They didn’t know any teacher’s names (just, “the English Teacher, the Maths Teacher, as opposed to Mr or Mrs whoever). It just didn’t seem important for them to know. They didn’t come to any Uni Open Days or were involved at all in my choice of degree. When I was at Uni, they showed a mild interest in how well I was getting on at the end of each year but had no idea when I was taking exams, had assignments due etc. I don’t have dc of my own but I see such a contrast in my niece’s life, for example where my sister and her husband knew the name of every child in her class/year group, are constantly having deep conversations and know everything about her life, problems, interests etc and now are facebook friends with her flatmates

I find it interesting that, like the OP, I didn’t feel unloved or unsupported as a child/teenager but many of my generation must have felt dissatisfied with this way of doing this in order to change parenting styles so drastically.

Same age as you OP and it was very much the same for me. In fact I’d say it started as soon as I finished primary school. I was always fed and clothed, but that was it,

No input from parents about which secondary school I should go to, so I went to the one where most of my friends went to which was with hindsight not the right school for me at all.

No real interest in how I was getting on, never asked how I was or how my day had been.

No encouragement with homework or choosing my options.

Being allowed to go shopping in a major city an hour away on the train with a friend at 14. Would never allow a 14 year old to do that now!

No encouragement with studying and revising for GCSE’s

I think it’s probably generational TBH.

Teenager in the 80s parents were strict 'you're not going out looking like that, wipe that muck off your face' etc and then when I turned 18 they completely stopped enforcing any rules, I left home pretty soon afterwards, desperate to be independent!

I see such a contrast in my niece’s life, for example where my sister and her husband knew the name of every child in her class/year group, are constantly having deep conversations and know everything about her life, problems, interests etc and now are facebook friends with her flatmates

Oh dear god.

I would find that invasive

My mum had no idea what I was up to

I lied constantly to my parents, I was never where I said I was, whenever they said I couldn't do anything I just lied and did it anyway.

To an extent I had a similar experience. Neither of my parents were academics so didn’t understand much to do with my school. They saw me as very clever and left me to get on with it. This served me fine in my GCSE’s as I was studious but more supervision would have helped in my a-levels as I was out of my depth and mediocre results as I stopped trying. They had no clue.
They did take me to a lot of activities.
I sorted my own Saturday jobs out.
I wasn’t a tear away so didn’t cause them much grief which helped I suppose.

I respected my parents and they respected me and we continue to have that kind of relationship. I was a teenager in the 80s and trusted to make my own sensible decisions and to take responsibility for what I did and how I behaved myself. It doesn't mean I wasn't parented. It means my parents let me find my own way and become independent. I think if I had been a different personality or not thought things through they'd have had something to say, but I am grateful they let me get on with things and let me choose to study what I wanted, etc. They were strict over doing a share of the housework/chores, not just giving us money for things, not letting us hang out in the park drinking Thunderbird so I picked my battles. It meant I had much greater freedom as I grew older because they trusted me.

Hmm. I'm not sure some of things being mentioned are necessarily bad things though, teenagers should be learning to be independent and making their own choices and decisions. They should be getting jobs, forging friendships, testing moral and social boundaries and learning practical skills like money management, housework, cooking and traveling on foot or public transport. By all means parents should support their children and make it clear they are interested but I am shocked by some of the smothering, babying and helicoptering I see going on with my colleagues' children, who are mostly of school leaver/university age.

It is a delicate balance and no matter what you do your children will always appreciate some things and wish other things had been done differently.

fantasmasgoria1 What does 'born tucked up' mean? I haven't heard that before.

They should be getting jobs, forging friendships, testing moral and social boundaries and learning practical skills like money management, housework, cooking and traveling on foot or public transport.
Completely agree. In my case, though, and I'm sure others, there was no guidance, support or conversation about these things. I was constantly aware that we had no money and that, in wanting to do A levels and uni rather than start full-time work at 16, I was part of the problem; but there was never a constructive conversation about how I could help, just simmering silences and overheard rows.

The same was true for housework and cooking; I'd be told indirectly through my mum rowing with my dad or complaining to her sister that I was lazy etc, but she never sat me down and said 'Let's make a rota for housework' or anything.

I didn't know about friendships; my parents didn't have friends and no one other than family came to the house. So I didn't know how to talk to people of different ages etc.

There is something in between lack of guidance/support and ' smothering, babying and helicoptering' (which I agree is counter-productive too).

reading through all these posts is very interesting.

I think about my parents and DH's parents. None were educated past O level and worked low skilled jobs.

However DH's parents, despite having no knowledge of further education, supported and encouraged DH and his siblings to continue their studies and made them feel confident to do so. When I was at that stage in life I did not feel that I would be able to go away to University and still have a 'home' to come back to? Me and my siblings were encouraged to earn money (while at school and into sixth form if we went) which is fine, but mine was to the detriment of my A levels and I dropped out. I still feel a little resentful that I wasn't pushed a little - I was a bright kid and definitely would have gone further.

It's definitely not a class thing.

Born 81. Same. Left in alone at nights while my mum went to the pub and my dad was awol. If my dad was in he'd be on the whisky and playing classical music full volume. Had no help or encouragement with school work once I got to secondary school.

There seem to be more parents who are friends with rather than parents to their children these days - and I mean when they aren't yet adults. This blurs boundaries and makes things less clear cut to navigate for all involved.

I was born in ‘80. I was parented in the way that I had firm boundaries and wasn’t allowed to go clubbing at 16 etc, but I had no help or guidance with anything really. My parents didn’t get involved in exam choices, university choices, never talked to me about career choices or how to manage money. There was no emotional support at all. In fact if I ever got upset about anything I was either told off or told to stop being silly. I felt like my unhappiness didn’t matter to them.

This all surprises me as it seems quite common, I don't know anyone parented like this.

I never said abuse doesn’t happen, I was trying to give context! But I do think that if you’re worrying about paying the food bill then you might have less time to spend actively parenting (which is hardly in and of itself abusive!).

Latchkey kid.
No interest in my education - I failed my 11+, was sent to local comp, Head there said I should take a 13+ but parents wouldn't let me. Saturday job from aged 13. Bought my own school uniform.
They were really broke (never had a meal out, yet alone a foreign holiday until I left home) but also simply not interested. It has remained that way - No input into my life at all, apart from birthing me.
I am now a broke single parent. But I hope my kids know I care, I am interested, and I will always make time to listen to them, and be on their side, all their lives.

Same here too, born late 70’s and can’t actually remember being parented.
I use to lie and actually self harm to try to get attention. I purposely broke my wrist once by smashing it against a wall - I told everyone I’d fallen over. My parents didn’t even take me to hospital because they were busy, a man who lived near us took me!
I don’t think I was neglected, I had clothes and food but they just never seemed interested in me or my siblings.
They are now the most wonderful, caring grandparents and I often feel jealous of how they treat my children and nieces and nephews