We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

Born in 1977. My parents were useless at most elements of parenting but they were interested in my study choices, had strong feelings about what career I should pursue, always tested me for examinations, proof read essays, helped with homework if needed and helped me get my first jobs (babysitting for friends/colleagues of my father's and then on a supermarket checkout).

On the flip side, even 97 percent in an examination was a punishable failure as were any goals being scored against us in hockey or netball even if we won the overall game and I never played in defence anyway beyond primary school.

I could cook for myself, was out drinking most weekends from the age of 15 (oddily enough I was punished more for the 97% than that) and never had any emotional support even when I almost got expelled for bad behaviour.

When I had dc1 I was diagnosed with attachment issues amongst other things.

1981. My mum was (still is) my best friend. We talked about relationships, although she skirted round actual sex, apart from safe sex. She steered me away from a very unsuitable relationship. We went to a sport we both loved every week, travelling all over the country together. Enjoyed a hobby together every week, which she encouraged me to excel in and paid for. Listened to my moans about my Saturday job.

Took me (just us) camping to Cornwall in the hottest heatwave imaginable and we had the best holiday I've ever had. Just Young, carefree, constant laughter.

My DM is still a huge support with child care, school runs and just general life (to my mum)

I was a teenager in the 80s and am nodding to much of the OP.
From 12 /13 onwards I would take myself off at weekends by bike or bus. Sorted out my own Saturday job as I needed the money to buy clothes that were halfway fashionable. Cycled to the Saturday job , would never have been offered a lift there.
Could never rely on parents to sort any school problems out.
I do look at my own teens and think they are so much less independent than I was at that age, my eldest in particular shows no inclination to get a Saturday job .. so I wonder if we've gone too much the other way.

I was born in 1972 so i was a teenager in the late 80s and early 90s. My dad died when i was 11 and i was given no counselling, no special treatment by school, no one spoke t me about how i felt etc. When a sibling died 3 years ago the grief for my dad, log buried came flooding back and i had a lot of counselling. It felt like no one gave a shit about kids and their feelings back then. In contrast i talk to my teens daily about how they feel, if they're happy or worried or whatever.

I was a very bright kid, but no one ever mentioned university to me. I got 10 good GCSEs, left home and that was that. I went back a few years later and did A levels off my own back part time at the local tech, but it was more that i was interested in the subjects than it really leading anywhere. No one said i should actually do anything with them.

I left home at 16, became completely self sufficient, lived in another town, worked, paid bills. As it was before emails and mobiles i think i called my mum once a week, if that. I think she was just quite glad to get on with her life tbh.

She is still alive and is 77, fairly young at heart and active still, but relies on me an awful lot for things. I would NEVER say anything as whats the point in making her feel unhappy, but there is a core of resentment in me that she was never really there for me, but expects me to be there for her now. I have always been a strong person, but as i get older i sometimes cry for the teenage me and what I could have been. (Sitting here with tears on my cheeks now).

@Woeisme99 me and most of my friends probably had the same amount of input as you as a teen. I thought that was normal tbh. I would be giving any kids that I may have much more guidance though (but not too much!). Where is the balance

Also you've done really well in becoming a nurse; a noble and respected profession. If you have regrets though then it's not too late to go back to uni and do postgraduate medicine. You're still young enough and have what, 30 years of your working life ahead of you? Also many universities really welcome the knowledge and experience that healthcare professionals can bring to medicine. Just a thought

OneOfTheGrundys I could have written your post, lost my DF at the same age, straight back to school and no counselling, it affects me to this day. Can I ask if you have had counselling subsequently? I'm sorry you're going through another tough time now.

My DM was determined we would be very independent growing up, I'm not sure it's had the desired effect and I do think my idea of how much freedom/responsibility/cosseting my own DC get is a bit skewed.

Born in 1977 and have no memory of being parented to the extent my dc is. My needs were all met physically (eg cooked dinners, nice clothes) but don’t recall any homework input (except parents paying for a maths tutor) or much emotional support. I had a rather sheltered upbringing. I ended up with a first class degree and a PhD but experienced a lot of shit in life.

I was born in 84 and had such a good influence from my parents. They were older parents though and had both been to University so I don't know if this made a difference.

They helped me decide what to choose for GCSE and A-Level (they were both mathematicians so didn't know how to advise the history-geek me) but they did talk to me about my homework a fair bit.

We talked about jobs and they helped me get my first job in a nursing home where my Nan was living. The money was then put into a bank account although thinking back then they never checked on what I was spending but trusted me to get things I wanted.

The main issue with my parents is that I was desperate to escape when I was 18 to uni as they didn't like me staying out late to go clubbing. But I am so thankful they made me feel like they cared about my life and how it was going.

I agree with your OP. Although I wasn't a teenager in the 90's but in the 2000's, I was the youngest of 3 and my mum had her older 2 in the 80's. My peers parents were always more involved with their lives than mine were.

I feel like it's made me stronger and more resilient, that's partly just my personality though. I knew I was loved but was never told so.

I wouldn't raise my children in the same way, I would want to give them more love, emotional support and encouragement.

Born in 1980 and also not parented much after the age of 12, except I still had to follow house rules and I usually had nice meals prepared by my mum. I had so much more responsibility for my decisions- made all the decisions about my schooling and which subjects to take with almost no parental input, was completely self-sufficient with my studies, did my own washing from the age of 16, managed my social life and sorted all transport without getting lifts from parents, even did the grocery shopping sometimes from age 12 (I would catch a taxi home with all the food). I think I’m a lot better off for all of this, except that I probably could have gone to a better university with a little help from my parents in the applications process. It worries me how the younger generation seem so inept. For example my SIL was well into her 20s and still had her father sort her car insurance!

Born in 1957 - was a mini adult from circa 6 years old, helping look after 2 younger kids etc. mother did not work - father provided and that was the end of his involvement. Sent to school alone from circa 6 yr, often dragging 4yr old brother. Came home alone, was sent out 'to play' come back at 6pm etc. Parents had no interest in our school activities, apart from bragging when we (2 of us) went to grammar school. It was only at the Grammar school that we realised all kids did not live the same way as we did. I had been 'babysitting' my 2 younger brothers went parents 'went out' from circa 8 yrs old. My self and my eldest brother did Ok - both professional jobs my younger brother went completely off the rails. I made damn sure my own child had a different experience.

Born in 1981, had total input from parents up until I finished a-levels, still discussed uni with them etc. My mum did all cooking and washing up till then too.

Same but I was really neglected and also abused by my mother.

My parents were very much involved in my education and career stuff but didn't restrict me much - I cycled and walked a lot, including late at night. They didn't really seem to care if I was late home etc.

The recent thread about lifts where a 14 year old wasn't allowed to walk 10 mins at 6pm because it was dark blew my mind!

I was actively keen for independence, it wasn't thrust upon me

I was born in the late 70's and was strictly and firmly parented until I was 18 and at uni. My mum took charge of my education, my hobbies and my social life. Expectations on behaviour and achievement were high. But in exchange everything was provided. I was not expected to earn any money, in fact not allowed to work in case it affected my studies. I was taken everywhere I needed to go and had clothes etc bought for me. A middle ground is probably best. You are very vulnerable once you get to your high flying university if you have always been supervised and managed.

Born 83.

The worst effects of it.. I did not feel loved and was not encouraged to do well in life - ever.

My family were working class. They were very focused on me doing my schoolwork, getting a good education and not getting pregnant!
They were very involved in my subject choices at school, pushing me to ones that would be viewed better by universities. If I wasn't working on a Saturday, they'd encourage me to do voluntary work as they were quite active in helping the homeless and young mothers. When I had a Saturday job, I had to give them a third of my money, put a third in my bank and I could spend the final third.

They didn't get overly involved in my university applications because they hadn't been to university and once I was over 18, I had a lot of freedom to go out, stay out late, etc, but I'd always have to tell them where I was going and who with before I went out.

It's funny because when I look at my sisters with their teens, they are fully enmeshed in every aspect of their lives. My parents didn't get involved in my friendship or relationship issues at all.

Yep.
The only parenting was to say No to any party or fun event I wanted to attend and to put pressure on test results, but we never spoke about stuff or they never look at my essays or school projects.
Not involved at all

I was a teenager in the 80's and definitely not parented in my teens. I used to get my laundry done, and a meal most evenings but other than that there was no input, certainly not with options/schoolwork/career choices or jobs.

Born in the 70s and wasn't really parented from when I went to secondary school.

I was aware that I needed to get a job because of the disapproving/angry atmosphere and hearing my mum shouting at my dad about how I needed to pay my way, but no sitting down and discussing what sort of job I could look for/how to look and apply/how much money I needed to contribute and why etc.

I remember having a job working with someone my mum knew, and she told my dad (I was in the room but she wasn't addressing me) that her friend had told her I wasn't very good and needed to be told to do things all the time (I was about 17 and in one of my first ever jobs) and that I should pull my socks up. Still no guidance or support from either work or parents about what exactly this meant.

Homework wasn't supervised unless I asked, which I rarely felt like doing.

No deep conversations about anything. No one really spoke in our house at all actually. If I tried to talk to my dad, or vice versa, my mum would stalk out of the room making a nasty comment and set off a row between them, so I largely didn't.

So there was no emotional support, and hardly any practical besides the roof over my head and food (made with great resentment by my mum; but again, never any conversation about how I might contribute more).

I don't have good relationships with either of them as an adult, not surprisingly I suppose.

I'm a bit younger (1988) and got about half of that.

Definite help/support with GCSE options, and post-16 options. My mum came to options evening with me and we went to look around 6th forms/college together. Talked about options a lot. She wanted to support what I wanted to do so didn't really guide me, more support.

Saturday job nope - no help/guidance - but what help/guidance could a parent give at 16, or for behaviour at work? I don't really think this is a "lack of parenting" is it? Once you have a job when you're at that job you are treated as an adult hopefully.

I don't remember there being much interest in what I spent pocket money on beyond friendly ooh what have you got, let's see kind of thing. Then again I wasn't very wild so wasn't buying anything to object to really.

I was allowed to go out pretty much anywhere, I was supposed to say where I was.

Homework was my responsibility but I would have had help if I'd asked for it. Probably early secondary I was reminded to do it. I remember late secondary/college just doing it at the last minute all the time and struggling to manage it but not being offered support with this (possibly it was unnoticed, I don't know. I didn't really recognise I was struggling at the time.)

We defo had deep conversations. My mum was very into that.

Born late 70s and yes, after going to secondary school, I was just left to get on with it. Very minimal input on anything to do with school, friends, anything really.

My parents would probably struggle to tell you what I studied at university or anything like that.

@LoveIsLovely Same, my mum would not have a clue what GCSEs or A Levels i did. Nor would she know where i worked in London and what i actually did for those 15 years.

She would know what my older sister worked as (far inferior to my own job) but it was more glamorous and she liked to tell her friends. I think she thought i "did secretarial", or something.

I was a teen for some of the 80s and some 90s. My mum had us later and was a very quiet and gentle lady who did everything to keep the peace. She was also fanatical about cleaning and it took up an awful lot of her day. There was no encouragement to do homework etc. My dad worked a lot an mum did her stuff during the day then cooked dinner before she finally sat down to watch some TV and relax a bit. She did everything for my dad so she used to run about making cups of tea for him during the evening too. She was a very intelligent woman and if she had been young nowadays she would have been encouraged to go to university. My dad always said that I wasn't going to college I was going to get a job then be a housewife and mother. He died 22 years ago and my mum 12 years ago. I wish I could show them my degree! I had to motivate myself in my 20s to go to college etc. Mum was born tucked up and didn't work until she was 2 and then had meningitis. She was lucky to survive and it left her what they used to call sickly. I guess she just didn't have enough energy after all she did to sit with us and do homework and encourage us to do well.

Thinking about it some more, actually, I don’t think my mum was neglectful. We talked loads and I always felt I was lucky to have my mum, as she was loving, kind and definitely was interested in me. But there was a feeling that once you were about 13 you were capable of getting on with a lot of stuff on your own and were pretty much an adult at 16. That seemed to be the norm in my circle.

When I was 15 I became sexually active and told my mum. She advised that as well as using condoms I should go on the pill. But then I went off on my own down to the Brook Advisory Centre in central London to get it, rather than her getting involved.
Similarly, after GCSEs I decided I wanted to do my A levels at college. I was left to get on with researching open evenings and visiting colleges and applying.
At 16 I went on holiday with my boyfriend. We paid for it ourselves from Saturday and holiday job savings, planned and booked the holiday and off we went for two weeks, hired mopeds, had a whale of a time. Neither of our parents batted an eyelid and I don’t even recall speaking to my mum the entire holiday.

It was just assumed I could do all these things with minimal input.