We're you parented into your teen years, in the 90s?

[Woeisme99]

I was born in 82, so a teenager for most of the 90s. I was talking to a friend today and realised that I wasn't really "parented" beyond about 12 years old.

This absolutely isn't a sob story, and seemed quite normal at the time, but looking back there was:
No input into my GCSE options
No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work
No interest really in what I spent pocket money on
No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time
No supervision of homework etc
No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really.

I felt loved, but like I was a mini adult and was supposed to just get on with things. Now I have my own dc I can't imagine setting them on their path in their early teens.

Does anyone of around my age have any comparison, is this just how things were then? Really interested to hear other people's experiences.

I was born in 1979 and this has been interesting reading for me. My GPs and an aunt and uncle parented me until I was about 6, I lived between them. Up until a frank conversation with said aunt about 10 years ago I believed it was because my DM was a single mum and worked 5/6 nursing shifts a week. That wasn't wholly true, she worked 4, spent one with me and then the other 2 partying.
Then she married my step dad and they parented me within an inch of my life, moving 300 miles away from the rest of my family. Very, very strict and now I am inclined to think that was because I was basically in the way, so bed times and the like early, no family time, always on my own when I wasn't allowed out to play, come down on like a tonne of bricks for any wrong doing. I had that until 13 when my DSis was born, followed by Dbro and I was basically cut loose because again, in the way. I went utterly wild, and didn't really settle until I was in my 30s.
I realised I was getting like that with my DD and I put the brakes on. She's 16, she gets left now while I work (and actually work, not just say I am) and can cook for herself, and me, she's an equal partner in most aspects of home life really. She's independent but I still parent, filled in her college applications together, discussed her options, talk about boys and relationships. My DM is a far better GM to her than she ever was DM to me. I thought it was just how it was in our family but I see others having been through the same.
I wonder if we learned by our parents and parent better, longer and later than they did. When I think of the things I got up to at DDs age it scares me silly that she could be doing the same, I think the fact she's not means I did something right.

Born in 67 - very much loved and had quite a strict Catholic dad, so was parented once I started dating!

But no real input in exams, aspirations, what to expect from relationships.

No goal setting or such like.

Same here mid 80s.
It breaks my heart that I can’t bring myself to give DD the fantastic freedom that me and my siblings had, off on my bike ALL day, up to mischief, in and out of friends houses, trains to London age 13 etc! I had such fun.
My education suffered though.

Erm mid 70s baby here so teen in the early 90s.

I got my first holiday job at 14 and have worked since but dad would give me lifts (it was on a farm)

I chose my options but my parents did discuss them with me. I chose my a levels and did my uni application myself but they were there to discuss stuff with. I went to all my uni open days and interviews by myself but parents paid my train fare and gave me money for lunch

From the age of about 12 I was on the dinner cooking rota. We all pitched in, mum dad and older brother

I had a degree of freedom but parents needed to roughly know where I was. I was trusted not to take the piss and generally I didn't.

Mum checked in on the social and sex stuff occasionally as did my granny bless her. Dad obviously didn't - he was a middle age welsh man ffs!

So yes I was parented (I think excellently) but given independence as well. I grew up rurally and my friends generally seemed to have the same experience. DH is a few years older and lived in London and his experience was a bit more hands off but SIL has more involvement.

fairyfingers that's how it should still be IMO and not only that but it is still how many people are successfully parenting competent teens to become competent adults.

Mid 1970's here, I was heavily parented. Not allowed to go out, no pocket money, no financial freedom, sat down with tea and cake for a catch up after school each day, crazy curfew when I was finally allowed to go out (10pm at 18).

I was the youngest so maybe babied.

Born in 1976. My parents were extremely strict about allowing me out of the house, which was very embarrassing for me. This was because I had to 'focus on school'. They had no idea what I was studying, whether I'd done any homework, what GCSE options I should choose or what a levels. They knew nothing about universities and advised nothing accordingly.

Whilst I wasn't allowed out much, they didn't want to spend time with me either really. I was shooed upstairs to my room while they watched telly. Any attempt at conversation regarding current affairs (or any subject tbh) I was dismissed as knowing nothing. Then suddenly at about 17 they seemed to decide I was an adult now, and I was allowed to do whatever I pleased as long as I didn't 'embarrass them' (suspect this meant don't get pregnant!). Very odd and meant I went off the rails at the first sniff of freedom. Anything I did wrong, I should have known better at my age, yet they'd never really taken the time to explain the adult world to me. I was expected to know about careers, budgeting, relationships etc. overnight with no guidance.

I've tried to remedy all this with my own DC. I allow 14yo DS1 more freedom than some would, but gradually so he learns the skills needed for adulthood. I also treat them like actual people, rather than tiresome pets to be seen and not heard!

I was born in 1978 and my mother probably over-parented me in my teens.
Not so much help with homework, but checked I was doing it. Tried to influence my option choices. Dropped me off at my weekend job and picked me up. Knew what I spent money on, and thought she knew where I was at all times. She knew all my friends as we used to spend a lot of time hanging out at my house.
No deep conversations, definitely no personal conversations.

Born in 76 and definately had a very hands off adolescence. My db was born just before I was 12 and my DM lost her brother the next year. I always attributted it to those 2 things (I think DM was perhaps depressed and certainly knackered). Reading this I wonder if it wasn't a bit more sign of the times.

One peculiar thing about my parents was their attitude to teachers/ our school (mother specifically but father equally peculiar in having no interaction with school staff at all, ever, although they were married and both working in the same profession) was the frequent framing of contact with school as being all about them not us (not the children).

Am I the only early-mid 70s born who's parents' main reason for any interaction with school was "so they'll know I'm a good mother"/ so they'll know we're supportive parents/ so they'll know we support the school?

It reads back as jokey but every assembly, sports day, and parents evening my mother attended was framed, both directly to us children and in conversation with my dad, as being for these reasons, never to find out how we were doing let alone whether we needed help/ support or to support/ see us. My mother always complained about having to rearrange work or give up precious free time for school contact, but a) there was never any suggestion my dad could do his share and b) When my dad - or later we children ourselves, told her to miss one she'd say she had to go to show the teacher's/ school that she was a good mother/ she and my dad were good parents and/ or that they supported the school...

Was that just my parents?

Born in 79 and exactly the same experience as you OP. I was only talking about it the other day!

It was a mix.
I was never allowed to do anything, right up to almost the point I left school. Not allowed to go out with friends. Not allowed to cook in the kitchen in case I burned myself or set something on fire. So, over protective in that way.

Very little affection though and no guidance around homework, relationships etc. No such thing as deep conversations about life.

It was a bit weird, looking back. I never felt unloved but they never really understood me.

Born 74. Was definitely parented by liberal parents. No chores, supported in education. But I was bright, hardworking and conscientious so they left me to make my own option and uni choices (they didn’t go to Uni so took me round open days but stayed out of it). Always told them where I was going.

However, as a parent of 2 teens, soon to be 3, I must say it’s bloody hard to intervene. They do have to separate off and you do have to step back and hold your tongue a lot. You realise there is a point you’ve ‘lost’ them and they will do what the hell they want regardless of what you say. Sometimes the only way to stay sane is to emotionally detach a bit which could come across as uninterested. But actually, I spend hours a day thinking and secretly worrying about them.

1981. Same here re school. Have only really realised it recently.

No help with GCSE's/A Levels or interest really no help organising uni - and finance - and it was a pita then nothing online.

How interesting, I'd always thought my parents were super liberal, but apparently it was just normal. Born 1979, they treated me as an adult from when I started earning at 14. Very supportive but I had to go to them. I'll be less liberal with my dc. They were both very supportive grandparents and mum has been amazing, looking after my kids while I work.
My grandparents were very very strict, I feel my parents were reacting to their upbringing by allowing me freedom.

No input from my parents either was left to get on with it wasn't encouraged to revise for exams, no career advice or any other advice tbh! Could come and go pretty much as I pleased, was really left to own devices. However I do have friends of same age whose parents were more proactive , encouraged them to stay on at 6th form etc but for a want of a better term they were "middle class " and I was "working class" so don't know if parents own backgrounds made a difference.
I am definately more involved in my teenagers lives and decisions though tbh that does cause a fair amount of arguments, they aren't keen on my advice 😆

I'd forgotten about the Saturday job - or rather, 4/5 waiting services a week job. No wonder the A-levels fell by the wayside. I hear parents bring concerned about their kids working a couple of shifts at the chip shop and how it makes them tired. I remember pervy Christos the married middle aged chef dry humping my 14 year old arse while I got things out the chest freezer and my parents finding it amusing. 🤔 I lived in the middle of nowhere and either walked over a mile home down an unlit country lane or relied on random strangers to give me a lift home. They never seemed bothered when I hitchhiked five miles to the nearest small town either.
They were relieved when, after leaving 6th form at Easter of year 13, I managed to secure a job at a building society.
I also remember my father lamenting it was 'like taking a lamb to the slaughter' when he drove me over to see my 21 year old boyfriend (I was 16). Wouldn't ever have let on to my mum that wasn't actually shagging said boyfriend not for want of trying.
I had two weeks off school with glandular fever in year 12. I'd finally taken myself off to the doctor to try to find out why I'd spent months feeling so spaced out and kept falling asleep in lessons.
Caught the late bus home after my appointment (they never, ever picked me up, far too busy with work) and they were rather surprised when the GP rang up that evening.
I think they knew more about the lives of the kids they taught than they did about their own children. Teatime conversations were dominated entirely by discussion about their charges. I can still remember so many of their names.
My father took incredibly early retirement (years of scrimping and saving) and they buggered off to 2.5 hours away once I'd left home at 19. I was incredibly ill equipped for living alone, juggling a daytime and an evening job and getting into credit card debt in order to survive. They occasionally bunged me a bit of cash - probably because they were obsessed with treating my brother and I equally and were paying his accommodation and living expenses while he was at college.
It was all rather odd. I was incredibly naive in a lot of ways (etiquette, emotions, relationships, healthy boundaries) and there were a lot of situations I ended up in that I hope my daughters never do. In other ways I was (and still am) fiercely independent.

I’d forgotten something, when I was changing jobs to one I really liked and was interested in my dps decided they wanted some input in this and were persuading me not to take it. It was far too late for them to be showing any fucking interest as I’d already said I’d take the job and when I got my first pay packet and how much more I got paid they were I was at the time working two jobs seven days a week. The new one paid double what I was earning and I got ten days off in the month.
Still can’t believe they thought they’d have some input in my career decisions when they couldn’t even be bothered all that time.

Born early 80s and was heavily parented, actually I think my DM in particular does have some issues around control and perspective in what is correct and the wrong way to do things... but we were ferried around where they could to different hobbies, paid for out of school lessons, particularly when one of my A levels was going wrong due to poor teaching.
They definitely had input into gcse options and applying for uni, not that they actually knew that much about what was best to do. I don't really remember about pocket money and didn't work until I was at uni, although I did get a small amount of payment from doing things related to my hobbies (such as playing in local productions twice a year and would get a cheque for £50 from the organisation for helping).
We never really developed a great emotional bond, I never really chatted with them about stuff, and always felt treated like a child - I think my mum thought you automatically learned stuff about the world when you turned 18, but I was woefully unprepared for life and pretty naive when I left home to go to uni. That said I did go out drinking in college and had a bit of freedom but no going wild or anything.
My mum said she wanted me packed ready to go to uni one week before I was due to go - that felt pretty controlling at the time and I saw no reason for it then or now to be honest. But then I'm a last minute, work under pressure type and so it didn't suit me to live around packed up stuff for so long in advance! She also added a bit on to my personal statement for UCAS without asking me before it was sent off, which I resented.
I had a brilliant childhood all in all but there were definite gaps in getting ready for the world - as a parent now it's obviously not easy to get the right balance of freedom and input but I'm grateful for the love and commitment my parents had in doing what they thought was the right thing.

@fairyfingers It sounds like your parents got the balance right. I think children absolutely should be cooking and doing laundry by 12 or so. I'm amazed at how many of my friends can't make even the most basic of foods (even though they are parents) and when I got to university, so many people had never done laundry before. Crazy.

Children need freedom AND guidance. And they need to take some responsibility from an early age.

Some of this resonates with me, I was born 1979. I My parents were older, late 30s, having me then my brother. They both left school at 14 in the 50s and went into low paid jobs.

They had no input at all into gcse choices, or uni they wouldnt have had a clue to be fair to them. They were very keen on education though, my mum especially, and was constantly warning about working hatd so I wouldnt end up in a low paid job. Tge best thing they did was talk about uni like it was viable option and I'm greatful to them for that.
But it was up to me to bring that about. So I was expected to do well as school but they didnt really do anything, it was up to me.
From age 9/10 I'd be doing homework late on a Sunday night in front of the TV, and mum might ask why hadnt I done it before now but that was all. Never read over it and werent able to help with any questions. I was a lazy kid and could have done with a bit more pushing on school work.

I did feel parented though as a teen and I wasnt left to my own devices however parents were very judgy and my mother especially was very negative anxious person who catastrophised everything. It was easier to stay at home watching TV than go anywhere and honestly thats what most of my childhood and teens was spent doing. I realise now she was very anxious person. She made me afraid of everything and any new experience, anything different I wanted to do, places I wanted to go would be picked apart for all the things that could go wrong. Endless, endless negativity, never going anywhere or doing anything. Never went on holiday, no cinema, never went swimming, Occasional days out but generally same places year on year and never far from home. I had no clue how to behave in social situations and had no guidance on anything. Their judging and horrendously old fashioned attitudes meant I couldnt talk at all to them about much of anything.

My parents biggest concern was other people's opinions so as long as I didnt get up to anything that caused 'talk' then they were pretty relaxed parents, wanted to know who I was out with, where going and how was I getting home.
I was pretty badly bullied as a kid(chubby introvert nerd) so gave them little trouble, didnt rebel and spent most of my teens in my room. I had zero confidence and they would have had no idea whatsoever to do about that or even realised they should try.

Mum stopped working when she got married and when I was a teen she'd rant about how she was just a skivvy but then she'd get irritated and angry if I tried to cook for myself/do my laundry/change my bed and tell me not to meddle so I couldnt win. I left for uni unable to cook and having never washed my own clothes.

My brother and I have talked about it a few times since and we both agree that we didnt really learn about the world until we left for uni and learnt from our peers there who were just so much more independent and capable than we were.

Born in 77. Was parented right into my 20s. I resented some of it at the time (I'm still not over the fact they wouldn't let me go to a gig when I was 16 & now the band don't tour any more) but basically I think they did a good job.

They came to all my parents evenings, concerts and events. They gave me lifts to parties and picked me up from nightclubs. I was allowed to travel on public transport and go shopping with friends in the city from age 11.

They encouraged me academically and came to see some universities with me (1st & 2nd choice as well as anywhere that looked like it might be a good day out). They paid my school fees & my living expenses through uni.

I was made to help with running the house by doing things like laying tables, laundry, ironing and meal prep but wasn't made to do any more than anyone else in the house.

I'd give them a 9/10 (deducting a point for the gig and not letting me get my ears pierced).

Sympathy for those of you who didn't have such a good upbringing/adolescence.

Born in 1974. Did GCSE's in 1990 and A levels in 1992

No input into my GCSE options - not true. I was allowed to take mucis but told that certain subjects eg photography etc wern;t proper subkjects and I should do business instead. For A level I wasn;t allowed to drop history which I hated and take up classics instead as they didn't think classics was a proper subject (I suspect they didn't really know what it was.

No help / guidance in getting a Saturday job and being taught how to behave at work - My parents both ran businesses (corner shop - mum & plumbing firm - dad & I was expected to help in both. I got myself a saturday job in a shoe shop aged 16 because I wanted some experience working for someone other than family.

No interest really in what I spent pocket money on - same. I earnt pocket money by cleaning the house or helping in the shop but I could spend it on anything legal.

No real interest in what I'd been doing providing I was home in time - not true but I did become involved in youth theatre which required lifts from them. Whilst in 6th form they complained if I spent too much time at my boyfriend's

No supervision of homework etc - They used to raise concerns I wasn;t revising enough for A levels.

No deep conversations about relationships / friendships / anything really. - sort of true. However I had a friend who had severe mental health problems (psychosis) and another who became pregnant at 15 and hid it from her parents and we discussed that.

1983 and similar.

No input into GCSE choices
No guidance on choosing a career path
No guidance on education post 16 (hence none)
I can't remember much help with homework although I do remember my dad helping me with algebra.
Even as a child I wasn't 'pushed' in any way, I started hobbies and was then allowed to quit, I know it is a fine line but I wish they had encouraged me to stick at them a bit longer.

Dropped me off at my weekend job and picked me up

I had this too but I didn't consider it "over-parenting", it saved me the bus fare. If I said I wanted to stay in town (I used to work 9-1 on a Saturday morning) to shop or meet friends and get the bus home that was fine though.