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Original poster

DS punched someone in school today.

234 replies

AlaskaElfForGin · 20/01/2020 16:33

I'm mad with him, of course I am.

BUT his form tutor told me that it happened in reaction to a boy in his year telling everyone that I've just had a mastectomy (I have) and taking the piss out of DS because of it. Asking how he felt now that his 'mum is actually a man'. Apparently it had been going on last week and continued today so DS lost his temper.

DS is never in trouble - he hasn't had one behaviour point since the start of the school year and only had one last year for forgetting his PE kid.

I've been called in to speak to his form teacher, for the first time ever. What are they likely to do? I understand that there will be sanctions, I totally get that and he should never have hit this boy, but I can see how it happened.

OP posts:
Footle · 21/01/2020 08:31

@hellcarryingahandbag. You are talking about a child who has said something disgusting. Do you think you improve matters by using such a disgusting metaphor yourself?

TheBigFatMermaid · 21/01/2020 08:33

I had a phone call from the DH when DS was in year 6. He had been shoved three times by a lad in year 8. He finally reacted and punched him in the stomach. The DH was laughing as she told me that she doubted my DS would ever be bothered by anyone again.

I treated my DS that evening as I was quite proud he hadn't reacted immediately, but when he did he made it effective!

Your DS deserves rewarding, not punishing.

Good luck in the meeting, I hope the school agree with us all.

hagenmeister · 21/01/2020 08:41

I'm team DS too. So the bully was taunting your DS with the fact his mother had cancer treatment that involved a mastectomy - his parents must be so proud - not!

Thanks for you OP. I'd personally be quietly proud.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/01/2020 08:51

I appreciate your post. I'm probably a bit oversensitive about DS at the moment.

Thanks Right there with you. I know that feeling well.

lowlandLucky · 21/01/2020 08:54

If many more bullies got a good crack on the jaw our society would be in a better place today. We facilitate bullies and our schools are a mess because of it. Children are never told they are naughty ( heaven forbid) children who have had to put up with bullies are told to be nice to the pigs and invite them to play ! We never allow the bullies to see or feel the consequences of their actions, they are never ever punished we talk to them,we cajoule them and try to befriend them. We have done this for the past 30 odd years and look at the bloody mess it has created
Of course i will be in the wrong and the Yummy Mummys, the Woke and the hand wringing left will tell me how awful i am but this is real life not a perfect bubble

Longdistance · 21/01/2020 08:54

I’m with your ds. Good on him! I hope he gave the other kid a good smack in the chops.

For you op Flowers

Bubbinsmakesthree · 21/01/2020 08:55

Obviously he shouldn’t have hit the boy and you need to back up the school in any fair and reasonable discipline that they impose.

But my main would be what the school are doing about the cruel and disgraceful bullying of your DS.

Also talking to the school about what outlets your DS has for dealing with his feelings about your illness - have they given him support and opportunities to talk to someone about what he and you have been through? Other ways to channel his emotions through sport/art/etc?

OffYouPopForNow · 21/01/2020 08:55

I’m with your DS all the way; say you will discuss your son’s behaviour with him calmly, but demand to j ie what they are doing about the much bigger issue, the constant bullying and disability behaviour of the other boy.

Justkeeprollingalong · 21/01/2020 08:58

@lowlandLucky
Well said

mcmen05 · 21/01/2020 09:16

@AlaskaElfForGin
I'm with your ds if he is been goaded he was bound to make a reaction.
And he sounds very kind to stick up for his mum.

He may get a suspension internally to sit out of class.

I have similar just petty girl stuff with my 15 year old and she threw a pen at the boy yesterday. I had phoned the school 2 weeks ago about 2 girls constantly mocking her but nothing has changed.
She wants to change schools. Im so torn as she does have good days at school and has her own nice wee group of friends.

SpanishLady · 21/01/2020 09:28

When I was a child - maybe about 10-11. I said something really awful to someone.

It was reported to my parents and I got a sound hiding that night.

I took the punishment as it was awful and I knew it.

It was about 15 odd years later that I told my parents why I did it - he had walked up to me and very carefully told me that he knew why my parents had divorced - that he supposed I hadn't been told that it was because of me - I was unloveable and really disgusting etc etc - I don't remember all he said it was the way he said it that was chilling and devastating -

Anyway my point is your son needs to take the consequences for hitting someone - but I understand why he did it so you should acknowledge that. My parents said they would have still punished me but the way would have been different as of course some part of their reaction was fear that I hadn't understood the pain I caused the boy. I did but didn't know how else to let him know not to do that to me again - which was the purpose of my revenge

So perhaps also consider how he might need help to find better ways to even scores (so to speak)

SpanishLady · 21/01/2020 09:30

Revenge/scores are the wrong words - more protect/stand up for myself I meant

Enterthewolves · 21/01/2020 09:44

Team DS as well. I hope the school are more concerned about the persistent bullying than the understandable reaction. I hope you are recovering well.

DeeCeeCherry · 21/01/2020 09:49

Bully got what he bloody well deserved. He's been goading your DS & what he said is absolutely disgusting.

Your son is your Champion.

Enko · 21/01/2020 09:55

OP don't ask what they are doing to the bully. Ask
"how are you going to support and safeguard my son against the bullying he is receiving?".

They cant tell you what is happening to the other boy however they should put some safeguard measures In to play for your son

Ask for the anti bullying policy and go through it. Every question needs to be focused on your son and the effects the bullying has on him. Accept that violence is not a positive way to resolve conflict and then suggest a solution is found so bullying stops and your son gets support.

BlouseAndSkirt · 21/01/2020 10:01

However, I would also have to give your DS a punishment as he did thump someone

And many similar comments.

Why does the response always have to be about punishment ?

How does that help a distressed teen learn to control (provoked) anger?

If I was the OP’s teacher I would have a serious talk about learning to spot trouble. To talk about any strategies he could have thought about to avoid getting to the punching point. E.g talk to staff, friends, friends parent, aunt etc. To get him to identify for himself signs that he is getting distressed / angry , and how to make a plan.

There is so much more to helping good teens develop maturity than handing out punishment.

Honestly: how will that help?

Luckystar777 · 21/01/2020 10:08

Good lad! I'd be well proud.

Wereallsquare · 21/01/2020 11:10

I stand with your son. That POS bully needs to be punished, not your son. That boy's parents ought to be ashamed of the turd they have raised.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/01/2020 11:19

If I was the OP’s teacher I would have a serious talk about learning to spot trouble. To talk about any strategies he could have thought about to avoid getting to the punching point. E.g talk to staff, friends, friends parent, aunt etc. To get him to identify for himself signs that he is getting distressed / angry , and how to make a plan.

Agree with this. Punishment isnt correct in this case IMO. My son was being bullied, the day it became physical the bully, while being removed from class, told my son he would get him the next day. So the next day my son didn’t go to school. He went and hid for the entire day. And he was punished by the school for that. A day in isolation. With his bully. Who got exactly the same punishment for weeks of bullying and a physical assault. My son was punished for avoiding being assaulted.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 21/01/2020 11:46

The people saying ‘well done DS’ and the bully ‘had it coming’? Would you actually say this to OP’s DS?

I have got all the sympathy in the world for OPs DS but would you actually say that a punch was the right response?

Yes his anger was completely and utterly justified. Yes his response was totally understandable. But it wasn’t the right thing to do. wirebrush made some very good points earlier about how to talk about better responses and the consequences of a responding violently to this kind of provocation.

That doesn’t mean OP’s DS needs to be punished - what he needs most is compassion - but that’s not the same as condoning or even applauding punching someone.

hookiwooki · 21/01/2020 11:54

Wow. Flowers for you OP. I hope your recovery is swift. You know of course that you are no less of a woman. What a sexist, cruel boy.

I'm not an advocate of violence but persistent abusive or bullying behaviour often illicits an out of character response. Your son has been through a very traumatic time.

I hope the outcome of the meeting is the mildest possible sanction if any, with a support plan being put in place for your son at school to help deal with the bullying and with the residual emotions from your diagnosis and treatment. I would be asking that the antibullying policy be strictly adhered to and would want to know what measures the school have in place for these kinds of incidents.

Are you receiving counselling as a family? If not it may be worth persuing to help your son put the last few months to rest.

If he was my boy I'd be extremely proud of him, including for stopping at just one punch. Despite the emotionally charged situation he still managed to demonstrate a level of control. A nice family dinner somewhere and a treat such as a new game would be in planning here.

Will be checking back later in the hope for good news.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/01/2020 11:55

One thing I forgot to add yesterday that I said to my son was that bullies often have friends ready to jump in as soon as you react. Often they are all in on it and actually plan to goad you to the point of lashing out precisely so they have an excuse to beat the crap out of you. One of the friends of my son’s bully is a national champion in a martial art. He’s also a lot bigger than my son. He could break my son in two very easily, and he knows it. He is constantly making goady comments, hoping for a reaction. He’s “trigger happy” because he knows he can win any physical altercation so that’s what he tries to engineer. He was standing with my son’s bully when the threat was made and my son knew he didn’t stand a chance if the two of them got him. That’s why he just didn’t go into school. My point being that a lot of the time these bullies know they have back up if it turns physical so if you’re lashing out- be aware that you could be walking right into a trap.

Aderyn19 · 21/01/2020 11:58

I actually would say to the DS that punching the bully was fine. Sometimes you have to speak the bully's language. Talking to him reasonably wasn't going to help.
When my brother was a kid, some little shit was constantly on him. One day my brother got up the courage to punch him on the nose. Blood everywhere. But that bully never went near my brother again. And I get he was a lot more careful about what he did and the potential consequences in the future. No amount of talking to him reasonably was going to have that result.
It might not be what we admit to in society - we all okay lip service to hitting being totally wrong, but occasionally it's the best course of action and the only thing that actually works on some people.

Flavarings · 21/01/2020 12:10

Flowers for you OP, hope you're recovering well and receiving support yourself.

Im also team son! Good on him for sticking up for him/and you.

Make sure the school know why he done what he did, and that you want the bullies to be dealt with. Emotional torment is worst and lingers more than physical.

AgnusandMagnus · 21/01/2020 12:12

Team DS. Other kid sounds horrid. What I'd be more concerned about is that DS isn't speaking up and telling the teacher what was said. Another pupil is the one who reported it. DS needs to feel safe and supported enough that it doesn't come to him punching another kid (who absolutely did deserve it!)