Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Feeling slut-shamed

175 replies

MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 11:32

Wondering if anyone can explain this to me, please?

Why do I feel ashamed of 1) sexting 2) being willing to have sex on the first date 3) entertaining the idea of having a FWB ?

Am I a slut?

I haven't dtd in nearly 2 years, and tbh I feel a good shag would straighten out a lot of things for me/in my life right now. I suspect some of the tension I'm feeling day to day is rooted in the suppression of my sexual self.

The majority of men are not, or do not feel toward themselves, slut-shamed for the same reasons I do.

Insight appreciated.

OP posts:
FloraMacDonald · 27/12/2019 11:37

I wouldn't think you're a slut for any of those things. Personally, I would worry about sexts resurfacing later inconveniently, and sex on a first date could be risky if you don't know the other person beforehand. A FWB is a great idea though, as long as you both agree the ground rules.
For what it's worth, I've worked with people much younger than me, who absolutely judged a man for one night stands. He was called a slut by his peers, so perhaps views are changing slightly.

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2019 11:39

feel a good shag would straighten out a lot of things for me/in my life Hmm

BruceAndNosh · 27/12/2019 11:42

I feel a good shag would straighten out a lot of things for me/in my life right now
If that's the case, what effect do you think a crap shag would have?

BacktoMA · 27/12/2019 11:50

Are you a man? I find it hard to believe any self respecting woman would refer to herself or any other woman as a slut, disgusting word.

Justhadathought · 27/12/2019 11:54

Suspect some of the tension I'm feeling day to day is rooted in the suppression of my sexual self

I don't see the 'sexual self' and the 'whole self' being distinct from each other........I think one's sexual feelings flow from how one is feeling in the rest of one's life.......and I'm not convinced at all that having a one night stand is a solution to fixing anything.

That's not to say that a one night stand is essentially a bad thing; but do think they are very much over-rated and any perceived benefits fleeting.

Original poster
MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 11:55

@pinkyredrose @BruceAndNosh

This is why I was reluctant to post on here in the first place. Any sex right now would relieve some of the tension I'm feeling right now. Is it so wrong to feel sexual? Feeling like I need actual, proper sex, instead of having to fantasise and pleasure myself? I enjoy feeling sexually desired too.

So basically you are saying I AM a slut, and I am right to feel ashamed?

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/12/2019 11:56

How on earth did you read that into their messages? Confused

Justhadathought · 27/12/2019 11:57

I find it hard to believe any self respecting woman would refer to herself or any other woman as a slut

Yes, that makes me cringe too......I can't imagine many women referring to themselves in this way...not in a way that involved any insight into emotional complexities, anyway. Feeling ashamed is another matter....and one which could be discussed.

Original poster
MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 11:57

@BacktoMA I am not a man, no.

I see this as a feminist issue because men seem to be able to do this 1) without feeling a sense of shame 2) without the majority of society slut shaming them.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/12/2019 11:58

You dont need anyones permission or approval. Yes some people judge , other people dont.
If you need a shag, go out and find someone willing. Men who are up for it arent hard to find, theyre two a penny.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 27/12/2019 11:58

If you want a shag then why not?

Nothing wrong with wanting/needing/liking sex as long as your safe then slide down all the cocks you want, not sure why this thread? Do you need permission?

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2019 12:00

You’re right, it is a feminist issue.

You’ve only to do a search on threads on casual sex to see that.

If you want a fuck, go have one. Try and unravel why you feel guilty (although I would hazard a guess at societal conditioning!)

Bluebutterfly90 · 27/12/2019 12:01

I'm kind of against the term 'slut-shaming' in general, because I believe the term slut should not be used.

You do you, OP. As long as you're happy and looking after yourself, you can do whatever you want with whoever you want.
It's hard to feel like society is disapproving of you, but bugger society.

Justhadathought · 27/12/2019 12:01

Feeling like I need actual, proper sex, instead of having to fantasise and pleasure myself? I enjoy feeling sexually desired too

Yes, that's understandable......but personally, feel that sex is best with someone who you really like, as well as desire......bad, empty sex can lead to feelings around lack of self worth.......

Original poster
MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 12:02

My grdad once called me a slut when I was a teenager. My DM tried to stop me from working as she thought it was a means to sneak off and spend more time with my bf.

To cut a long story short, my DGP got involved, which culminated in a heated debate and my grad calling me a slut. This has always stuck with me.

I am not for one minute implying that other women are sluts, these are my own internalised feelings of shame.

OP posts:
Justhadathought · 27/12/2019 12:05

I see this as a feminist issue because men seem to be able to do this 1) without feeling a sense of shame 2) without the majority of society slut shaming them

I think there are good reasons why women should be careful about who they have sex with......sex being such an interior experience for a woman; and one which can, potentially, end in pregnancy.

That being said, I got myself involved in various sexual scenarios when younger.......none of them memorable, certainly for good reasons......and also left me with chlamydia and gonhorrhea.

DerbyshireGirly · 27/12/2019 12:09

"Slut" is such a meaningless bullshit word. Just remember to keep yourself safe.

Original poster
MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 12:11

Just had a thought. Contracting an STD has crossed my mind. I've only once before had a ONS, which wasn't very memorable at all. All my past sexual encounters have been within LTRs.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 12:11

Above meant fo @Justhadathought

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 27/12/2019 12:12

Slut shaming is when someone else shames you for being sexually active, and your feelings seem to come from your own internalised misogyny.
So to understand what you are feeling, you have to look at your past, and deal with that.

A good shagging won't solve your problems, try therapy.

Original poster
MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 12:16

@Thelnebriati I'll call it (internalised) sexual shame.

I enjoy sex, but for reasons of social conditioning or perhaps internalised misogyny, I feel ashamed that I do.

OP posts:
LatteLady · 27/12/2019 12:16

It is nobody's business but your's who you sleep with and when you sleep. As long as you are not hurt either emotionally or physically and the same for your partner then it does not matter.

Sadly some people have an attitude to how many people is too many, usually it is not be more than they will admit to... but as long as you are safe, that is all that matters.

Whatever you decide to do, be happy with your decision and ignore the other people as they are not you and do not strut in your heels!

Butterflyflower1234 · 27/12/2019 12:19

@MyOhMyDelilah I think putting this post in Feminist was the wrong place. In Chat or AIBU would've been a better audience.

Either way I'm going to reply, go for it. Having a sexual appetite is very normal and no way being a slut. Just be safe and protect yourself and you'll be fine.

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 27/12/2019 12:19

You're the only one shaming yourself! Lots of women have causal sex. Obviously other people will judge (the judge whether you've got a toilet brush or not for goodness sake) but you don't have to tell other people.

UpfieldHatesWomen · 27/12/2019 12:22

You shouldn't be slut-shamed for any of those things you mentioned. But you will be. Many men still have virgin/whore complexes, so if a woman expresses any kind of sexual desire (rather than sex being something taken from her against her will) she will be cast as the whore. Underlying this, in addition to a lack of recognition that women are fully rounded human beings with desires of their own, is sex being about domination for these types of men, getting away with something to boost their egos. Women's magazines and the like groom us into thinking this is acceptable, telling us it's simply that men like 'the thrill of the chase'. Unfortunately, I've found that when I've had casual sex, I've been subjected to abuse and poor treatment, because seemingly this thrill of taking something from me against my will was missing. I think there are a lot of men who get off on this element of sex more than the actual sex itself. I find casual sex isn't worth it, but if you can find a FWB who is at least respectful then perhaps you could make that work. And if you don't want to be judged, don't tell anyone, it's nobody's business.

Swipe left for the next trending thread