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Original poster

Feeling slut-shamed

175 replies

MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 11:32

Wondering if anyone can explain this to me, please?

Why do I feel ashamed of 1) sexting 2) being willing to have sex on the first date 3) entertaining the idea of having a FWB ?

Am I a slut?

I haven't dtd in nearly 2 years, and tbh I feel a good shag would straighten out a lot of things for me/in my life right now. I suspect some of the tension I'm feeling day to day is rooted in the suppression of my sexual self.

The majority of men are not, or do not feel toward themselves, slut-shamed for the same reasons I do.

Insight appreciated.

OP posts:

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 13:17

Which posts on here are pearl clutching?

For the last time I didn't say it was impossible, I said it was unlikely! Which IME it is (decent sample size ).

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 13:18

FWB if you can handle the emotional side is a good bet, again, IME.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 13:19

Dee what's odd?

Do you think posters should be circumspect.

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2019 13:19

I agree with a PP that in general MN has a different view of sex than I have come across IRL.

FWB if you can handle the emotional side is a good bet, again, IME

Absolutely agree with this (although it’s frowned upon on MN too )

Butterymuffin · 27/12/2019 13:27

I don't think anyone here has said it's inherently wrong for a woman to want sex or have no-strings sex. It's more people asking whether it's right for you and your situation, and particularly if a one night stand will be satisfying or not. No moral judgement in any of that.

Crinkle77 · 27/12/2019 13:32

You shouldn't feel ashamed. Do what you want.

DeeZastris · 27/12/2019 13:36

Nobody gives a toss who you shag but thanks for sharing.

PlasticPatty · 27/12/2019 13:38

Some lad nearly thirty years younger than me who was trying it on, tried to tell me there 'was nothing to be ashamed of in wanting the horn'! Cheeky little fucker. It had never occurred to me that there might be reason to be ashamed. He needs to lighten up. It's just sex.

[And in another life, people are falling off their chairs, choking "She wrote that!!!"]

Goosefoot · 27/12/2019 13:42

But a lot of these posts are very pearl clutching. Read any thread about sex on here. It isn’t seen as a legitimate “need” at all.

Because it's not. How many discussions are there here where people slag men for talking about sex as if it's a need or acting as if its a need? If it's a need, the there are all kinds of people who can't get their needs met and no wonder they are doing desperate things about it. It would totally change the nature of the discussion around control of our sexuality.

Sex is something that's a want and sometimes a powerful one, and sometimes a bothersome and distracting one. It's also one it's possible to come to terms with and that isn't without some real benefits.

Straycatstrut · 27/12/2019 13:42

I haven't "dtd" for fun in about 8 years. DS2 was conceived purely in a mechanical babymaking way.

I agree with all your points and I'd never feel like a slut! I mean if we were wouldn't we be out banging whoever we could get our claws into every weekend?!

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2019 13:44

Because it's not

I think I disagree. I would say for me, sex is something I need

However that doesn’t give me the right to take it without another adult consenting.

I have no issue describing sex as a need, provided the person who needs it is a reasonable person.

Twoandtwodoesntmakefour · 27/12/2019 14:00

Yes sex is absolutely a need for me too.

Again, doesn’t give me any right to take or expect it from someone else. But it is a need not a want.

I get antsy, pent up, tetchy, almost uncomfortable in my own skin without it. Masturbation does not compare to the feeling afterward you’ve had a great fuck, like someone’s just released the pressure valve

PlasticPatty · 27/12/2019 14:03

It is not possible to be a slut, even if you are banging whoever we could get our claws into every weekend?!, because the term 'slut' is used to demean women. It is not an impartial, value-free term. One couldn't nowadays say 'But, of course, Mary down the road, she is technically a slut.'
I searched a definition - 'slut - promiscuous woman or prostitute'. No-one has the right to say who a woman should have sex with, how many partners she may or may not have sex with, or whether or not she should take part in sex-work.
So, Mary or any of her mates could bang away to their hearts' content and it would be no-one's business but their own.

Divebar · 27/12/2019 14:05

Quite a few sex acts are considered “ grim” on MN... sexting, anal sex, swinging being just examples. It doesn’t matter if the woman is into it or not. And certainly slut shaming goes on... ask the woman working as a prostitute or the woman having the affair with the married man. They were both called whores / slags -( I guess you could argue one was a whore.)There’s lots of judgement of women by other women about sex and the parameters of what is considered acceptable. I don’t consider MM to be sexually liberal overall.

Twoandtwodoesntmakefour · 27/12/2019 14:08

@Divebar, it has 100% got worse the last few years on here.

I have some sympathy with the threads about OW as so many women on here have been cheated on (myself included). So I do feel it goady to come on and discuss affairs with married men. But the language used towards OW is grim in the extreme.

girlygirl98 · 27/12/2019 14:10

Attitudes towards sex haven't changed that much no matter how unfair it is or how many women beat their chests about it. You can have sex on a first date, you can sleep with multiple men and you can sext but you have to be prepared that the vast majority of men will treat you fairly shabbily and or lose interest quite quickly when you do that. Most women get hurt by this because women often get attached through sex whereas men don't usually. My experience is that men don't value things that come too easy. If you're not interested in long term relationships or romance then you can fill your boots. You may find though that later down the line though if you do decide you want something meaningful, your self esteem will be in such a poor state from shabby treatment it will be difficult to form healthy boundaries/ relationships.

koshkat · 27/12/2019 14:12

Go and have a shag OP. No one cares.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:20

The reason women on fwr object to framing sex as a need for men is because it's used to justify prostitution, including the supply of women to men with disabilities by the state.

Women very rarely pay for sex, can get casual sex much more easily, so the position is different when women describe it as a need.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:22

The feminist argument against prostitution has nothing to do with the women being slurs FFS where is this crap even coming from.

Agree with others this thread is weird.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:23

'the vast majority of men will treat you fairly shabbily and or lose interest quite quickly when you do that.'

Good way to sort the wheat from the chaff.

There is a lot of men are from Mars type bollocks on this thread as well.

PlasticPatty · 27/12/2019 14:30

'the vast majority of men will treat you fairly shabbily and or lose interest quite quickly when you do that.'

Men, and a lot of women, need re-educating. The patriarchy uses this crap to control women. Women! Refuse to be controlled!

Wondersense · 27/12/2019 14:30

The more interesting question, is not if you are/not a slut (which is such an outdated & rather misogynistic idea), but why would you ask that question here? I think you are looking for a sea of posters to relieve your insecurities. The thing that must be address here is the niggling doubt that you feel that you are a slut and the shame that. You say that you've been slut shamed. By whom and where? Or have you slut shamed yourself?

Would it change your desires and actions if people did think you're a slut?

PlasticPatty · 27/12/2019 14:33

Or just prompting conversation on a slow day?

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:33

Interestingly it's apparently not an uncommon sexual preference for men to be treated like a 'slut'. Tying into ideas around male and female sexuality -finished subservience etc.

If women were to successfully purge these negative regressive ideas from society, that would leave those men a bit stuck, wouldn't it.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:35

Finished should be dominance!

I mean to say, if sexist damaging ideas about female and male sexuality are undone, the people who fetishise these things have a problem.

So it's in men's interests to keep these ideas, from many different angles indeed.

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