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Original poster

Feeling slut-shamed

175 replies

MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 11:32

Wondering if anyone can explain this to me, please?

Why do I feel ashamed of 1) sexting 2) being willing to have sex on the first date 3) entertaining the idea of having a FWB ?

Am I a slut?

I haven't dtd in nearly 2 years, and tbh I feel a good shag would straighten out a lot of things for me/in my life right now. I suspect some of the tension I'm feeling day to day is rooted in the suppression of my sexual self.

The majority of men are not, or do not feel toward themselves, slut-shamed for the same reasons I do.

Insight appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 12:32

Thank you to the last four posters.

I came on this board thinking I would find some kind of consensus that would somehow nullify my sense of sexual shame. It just goes to show how women, and feminists, are still very divided on the issue of sexual liberation.

And btw, I don't NEED a shag, I WANT one. Feeling better already...

OP posts:
RealityNotEssentialism · 27/12/2019 12:38

Why do you have to refer to yourself as a slut? If you want to have a ONS have one but I doubt it will solve your problems.

I hate the word slut shaming because it implies that these women are indeed sluts but that it’s okay. How about we just stop calling ourselves and others sluts instead?

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 12:38

You're unlikely to get a good shag if it's a one off with a random.

I mean you might be lucky but speaking as a SLUT oh sorry I mean a woman who has always done as she pleased, I'm trying you, it's unlikely.

I also fail to see where women on this thread have 'shamed' you.

The word slut is hideous. Maybe it would help your sense of self of you stopped using it. In relation to anyone. Just a thought.

Clymene · 27/12/2019 12:39

Of course you're not a slut.

But I think you need to work on that sense of internalised shame before you embark on any FWB type relationship. From what you're written, it may be that your inner judge wipes out all the enjoyment of casual sex

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 12:39

I find it unusual for a woman to think that she would get a decent fuck out of a one off with a random tbh.

RealityNotEssentialism · 27/12/2019 12:40

Oh and nobody is divided on sexual liberation but referring to yourself and others as a slut is anything but liberated. If you wrote the post without using that word, it would piss people off less.

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/12/2019 12:43

I agree women should do whatever they want in regards to sex.
However, I am a woman who does not like or has ever engaged in casual sex. I am also not attracted to men who like/have engaged in casual sex. That is what I want.

I also think that safe sex is a story we tell ourselves because there is no such thing as safe sex. There is only safer sex because all sex has risk.

Coldemort · 27/12/2019 12:44

People on here, rightly, may not like the word but it's one that's used quite frequently. In my neck of the woods its 'slag' but the meaning is the same.
I get what you're saying OP. Society still seems to hold women with normal, healthy sexual appetites in suspicion.
I'm with everyone else in saying do what you want, but I don't think that's the question you're asking.

IfNot · 27/12/2019 12:45

Of course it's possible to have a good one night stand! I can't say I have ever heard the term "slut shamed" though. Is this a young people term? Do what you like, you don't have to tell anyone anyway. Use a condom.

Original poster
MyOhMyDelilah · 27/12/2019 12:50

@RealityNotEssentialism I've explained upthread why I have used the word on myself . And yes, we should stop using the term. I don't like it at all.

@Fraggling good suggestion. I'll stop using it all together. It's no a term I'd use for other women and their sexual proclivities. In fact I admire women who do as they please safely within their own set of boundaries.

@Clymene A valid point. Having only had ONS years and years ago, I feel embarking on a casual sexual relationship might be a means to wiping away my 'inner judge'.

I'll use the advice on this thread wisely. I already have.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 27/12/2019 12:52

When I was young we all enjoyed our sexuality, though most women do prefer sex within a meaningful relationship, but there was no shame involved. Is this now an issue?

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 12:56

Of course It's possible to have a good one off with a random.

What I said was, it's unlikely.

TBF I've been off the market for a while but

I doubt men have completely changed in the last 15 years to make them more likely than not to be generous skilled lovers esp if never seeing her again

And actually

Reading the boards on here it seems that this have changed for the worse with many women reporting an increased sense of entitlement in men, along with random spitting, hitting and trying to shove it up your arse unexpectedly.

Yes I'm sure op might get lucky but for most women thinking I need a good fuck, they are well aware that picking up a random for a one off may well not give her that!

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 12:57

Coyo I know it's weird.

I was out meeting blokes in 90s and 2000s and no one (worth listening to) felt like this.

GreenGrove · 27/12/2019 13:03

This thread is mind numbing

LangCleg · 27/12/2019 13:06

LOL!

Twoandtwodoesntmakefour · 27/12/2019 13:07

Mate. Go for it.

I’ve been single for 4 years and have a fabulous sex life. One night stands, long term FWBs and occasional flings.

I couldn’t care less what shame any one else wants to bring to the table, that’s more about them than anything else.

And a decent shag can work wonders for your physical and mental health! MN is fucking weird about sex. Boil it down to a rather unpleasant bodily function going by a lot of posts

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 13:08

Who on here has said sex is an unpleasant body function?

Twoandtwodoesntmakefour · 27/12/2019 13:08

Re the spitting/hitting/choking. That’s more the younger men.

Sweet spot is between 42-48 Wink

Nearlyalmost50 · 27/12/2019 13:09

You're unlikely to get a good shag if it's a one off with a random

Conversely you aren't going to have the same boring sex-by-numbers experience of a long-term relationship past its bloom either.

Of course you can have an amazing experience with a random if they are very attractive and you have good chemistry.

OP- do what you want. I don't even get why you posted or why this is a thing. Women have been enjoying sex without social shame for really quite a long time now. Do or don't, it's up to you.

Twoandtwodoesntmakefour · 27/12/2019 13:10

@Fraggling, specifically? Nobody hence it wasn’t a quote.

But a lot of these posts are very pearl clutching. Read any thread about sex on here. It isn’t seen as a legitimate “need” at all.

Twoandtwodoesntmakefour · 27/12/2019 13:12

I’ve had fabulous one night stands. Absolutely mind blowing sex. I was also married for a long time and I’m telling you the heat rather goes out of a relationship after you’ve seen someone farting and picking their nose

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/12/2019 13:13

OP, I both NEED and WANT sex! Likely because I've gone many months without any and I become a moody bitch when I don't get to let off sexual steam and have physical intimacy after a long spell.

It's hard not to feel that shame sometimes---I'm very, very, very selective about whom I discuss my sex life with because of that sense of judgement (by women and men.)

Go seek what you want.

Beamur · 27/12/2019 13:14

I think you're judging yourself based on the hurtful comment from your DGF.
Sex is meant to be pleasurable and can be a great stress reliever!
In my experience, ONS are variable in terms of quality and how they make you feel afterwards.
But, be careful and choose well and don't judge yourself. I wouldn't judge you.

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/12/2019 13:14

Of course you can have an amazing experience with a random if they are very attractive and you have good chemistry.

^^Yep, chemistry and attraction are key.

DeeZastris · 27/12/2019 13:16

This is all a bit odd.

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