Vent - my crappy Christmas

[poopmas]

I love Christmas. I look forward to it so much so that I start planning 8 months ahead! Repairing stockings, looking out for presents etc. It was our first Christmas this year in our house and with a baby, so extra special. I know my DH will be missing his extended family and his deceased mum so I wanted to make it as good as possible.

On paper everything went to plan. We had a lovely meal Christmas Eve, beautiful stockings to wake up to, I got him a present that he really liked, Christmas dinner was perfect and we had all the right drinks and snacks in the house. In reality it was the worst Christmas ever.

1. Asked DH on the 23rd what he's looking forward to about Christmas, he said time off. As I was asking him what else he was looking forward to he interrupted me and got upset - why can't I be happy with his answer, why am I trying to correct his answer etc. Apparently this is what I always do, make him answer questions with the "correct" answer, but couldn't give me an example of when I've done this.

1. Ran out of the kitchen while I was cooking red cabbage (a traditional food from his childhood). Came back and asked if there was nothing in me that made me think I should stop cooking and go after him, apparently he felt sick at the smell and went to the loo. I said I didn't know that's what had happened, he said I did know but I didn't care so long as I got my red cabbage.

1. Suddenly remembered on the 25th that his sister got him presents. DH and I had agreed last year that we want to stop doing presents, and he would speak to her about it. I reminded him at least 6 times during the year to talk to her including 5 weeks ago, his father also reminded him, but he forgot. Was then annoyed with me that I hadn't reminded him again. When I revealed I'd sorted her present, was annoyed with me that I hadn't told him when he started panicking 2 mins earlier, and then didn't want his stocking.

1. Told me today that when I asked him months ago if he wants me to bake a Christmas cake again this year, he only said yes because if he had said no it would have been the wrong answer. Same with when he answered yes to wanting to eat goose, requests for specific crisps etc. He didn't want any of those things - not that it stopped him eating them. Apparently he knew it was expected of him to say yes to these things, but couldn't give me any concrete examples of what I had done to make him feel like that.

1. Told me that I'm not trying to make Christmas special for him, but am just doing it for myself and I expect him to be grateful, say the right things and "act his part". Had I known, I could have saved myself so much time and effort doing nice things for him.

I am so so very upset. I wanted to make a nice Christmas for my family and instead all the nice things are being thrown back in my face.

No advice but you didn't have a crappy Christmas, you have a crappy DH.

I'm sorry but he sounds an absolute arse. Can you take yourself out for the day tomorrow with baby and leave him to stew?

It sounds a bit messed up. I suspect he is right in that the fairytale Christmas is more for you yourself than anyone else. At any rate, you have placed yourself into a role which is a bit fixed and open to be crashingly disappointed if everything isn’t exactly as you envisage it.

You both need to communicate in a much more honest way. To listen to each other but most of all, you both need to be honest with yourselves, in a critical and reflective manner. There is so much emotional ivy clogging up the pathways of honesty, integrity and transparency around Christmas here.

How long ago did his mum die ?

Sounds like he is just not in a good place and blaming you. Either he's struggling with losing his mum or he's just not that into you and annoyed at having to play the part of happy families when he doesn't feel happy

Sorry you had a rubbish Christmas. He sounds like hard work.

Sounds a bit of an arse, except for point 1 - if he is missing his deceased mum then maybe he isn’t looking forward to Christmas. And it did sound like You asked a question that you wanted an acceptable answer to.

Is there any chance he's right though, and that in your drive for " a perfect Christmas" you have stopped actually listening to what your DH wants?

I’m sorry but if you have been planning Christmas since last April I can see why it’s a headwreck.

He sounds like a dick tbh

Having said that he's an arse, and standing by that, I agree that if you've been planning Christmas for eight months, and talking about it for the same amount of time, it was never going to live up to whatever you'd built in your head, even if OH wasn't an arse.

Yabu...and trying too hard. I don't know any men who would give a shit about what a Christmas stocking looks like or whether the Christmas cake is shop bought or home-made.
Sorry to say it, but he doesn't give a shit clearly about all these little extras that you are putting so much time and effort into...like 99.9% of the male population.

What happens when he says no to you? Does he even say no anymore? He seems to be very firm in his belief that he feels he has to say what you’re wanting him to say? Is that in his head or on reflection do you like things a certain way and pull a bit of a face if he would like to do something a bit different to what you would choose yourself?

You and dh have a communication issue with entirely different Christmas expectations. He sounds sad and maybe genuinely was just looking for time off work and no more. You wanted a fairytale Christmas with you both being happy. You need to talk to each other honestly.

He was sulking and didn't want his stocking? How old is he? 17?

When did his mum die?

I'm not sure on this one... as with any thread we're only hearing your perspective on it.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if you start planning Christmas 8 months in advance is there a chance that you put a huge amount of pressure on yourself and on him for it to be 'perfect'. And then he's almost afraid of doing or saying the 'wrong' thing that could ruin this perfect illusion and make him seem ungrateful for all your hard work? Could it be that you're a tiny bit controlling or a bit of a martyr? I'm not denying he has his faults too- the one about the red cabbage was a bit bizarre.

I was thinking DH was a bit of an arse until you mentioned crisps, I mean seriously, specific crisps?? Did you instruct how many time they were to be chewed as well. You also had sorted his sisters present so basically you had already written him off as not having sorted it (ok you were right) but you aren't his mum, you need to let him have his place in the relationship.Think you might just be as bad as each other!

It does sound like you’ve hyped it all up so much for months rather than just go with the flow. Maybe next year rather than start 8 months ahead when most people just have no interest whatsoever in planning Christmas, leave it a lot later and ask him what things are absolutely essential in his eyes to make Christmas special?

Sounds like real life - messy and confusing- v a picture perfect life. Real life is harder but more important. It sounds like he has had a hard time that he is finding he can’t cope with alone? And can’t really talk about it

I'm the nicest possible way, you put far, far too much effort and thought into one day of the year. If you are sorting it from 8 months in advance then nothing will ever live up to your Hallmark dream.

Also your DH may not want to celebrate at all after losing his DM. I struggle massively at Christmas after losing my DP's. The only effort I can muster is purely for my DC's and believe me when I say it takes all of my energy just to get through the day. Do not underestimate grief.

You sound pretty annoying to be fair

I feel a bit claustrophobic reading your post... the perfect Christmas planned 8 months in advance, "having time off" not being a good enough only answer as to what he's most looking forward to, the perfect crisps .

Way way too much pressure and planning and expectation for one day. Tbh your point number 5 sounds very much like it could be true.

Sounds like your OH is still grieving and not in a great place at the moment.
Can you have a chat with him?
Maybe see if he will go to the doctors?

It's sad that he's lost his mum but he's being a dick. Pull right back, stop asking him what he wants or waiting on him. Give him space. I suspect that whatever you do it'll be wrong, but at least then you're not running around after someone who's ungrateful for it.

Oh you poor thing. He's a wanker. Grieving or not he's treating you like shit xxx tell him so, start laying some house rules xxx