Vent - my crappy Christmas

[poopmas]

I love Christmas. I look forward to it so much so that I start planning 8 months ahead! Repairing stockings, looking out for presents etc. It was our first Christmas this year in our house and with a baby, so extra special. I know my DH will be missing his extended family and his deceased mum so I wanted to make it as good as possible.

On paper everything went to plan. We had a lovely meal Christmas Eve, beautiful stockings to wake up to, I got him a present that he really liked, Christmas dinner was perfect and we had all the right drinks and snacks in the house. In reality it was the worst Christmas ever.

1. Asked DH on the 23rd what he's looking forward to about Christmas, he said time off. As I was asking him what else he was looking forward to he interrupted me and got upset - why can't I be happy with his answer, why am I trying to correct his answer etc. Apparently this is what I always do, make him answer questions with the "correct" answer, but couldn't give me an example of when I've done this.

1. Ran out of the kitchen while I was cooking red cabbage (a traditional food from his childhood). Came back and asked if there was nothing in me that made me think I should stop cooking and go after him, apparently he felt sick at the smell and went to the loo. I said I didn't know that's what had happened, he said I did know but I didn't care so long as I got my red cabbage.

1. Suddenly remembered on the 25th that his sister got him presents. DH and I had agreed last year that we want to stop doing presents, and he would speak to her about it. I reminded him at least 6 times during the year to talk to her including 5 weeks ago, his father also reminded him, but he forgot. Was then annoyed with me that I hadn't reminded him again. When I revealed I'd sorted her present, was annoyed with me that I hadn't told him when he started panicking 2 mins earlier, and then didn't want his stocking.

1. Told me today that when I asked him months ago if he wants me to bake a Christmas cake again this year, he only said yes because if he had said no it would have been the wrong answer. Same with when he answered yes to wanting to eat goose, requests for specific crisps etc. He didn't want any of those things - not that it stopped him eating them. Apparently he knew it was expected of him to say yes to these things, but couldn't give me any concrete examples of what I had done to make him feel like that.

1. Told me that I'm not trying to make Christmas special for him, but am just doing it for myself and I expect him to be grateful, say the right things and "act his part". Had I known, I could have saved myself so much time and effort doing nice things for him.

I am so so very upset. I wanted to make a nice Christmas for my family and instead all the nice things are being thrown back in my face.

From April onwards it's presents so we can deliver them to his family in August, as he doesn't want to do it later and post them. I didn't bake the cake until end of November. You are right and I said months ago, that was my mistake - end of Nov feels like months ago!

Yes Stir Up Sunday is last Sunday of November

Leave the presents for him. Of he doesn’t send them them they don’t get sent. And even still, you don’t need to think about it in bloody April!

From your op I agree it does sound a bit like even though you are asking a question to him its directed towards a specifically required answer. I'd never ask my husband if I should buy crisps, I'd just get them.
we had all the right drinks and snacks in the house just this sentence means that's there are also 'wrong' ones and it wouldn't have been your on paper perfect xmas without them.

1. what were you expecting him to say? Something about you and the baby? I do think it's an odd question to specifically ask someone personally.
2. did he just dart out? No warning? If so I'd probably ask if he was ok, he maybe feels like you're so focused on your perfect day and not the people around you.
3. does seem a bit odd that when he said oh look sister has given us a present you let him stew with I told you so before saying but it's ok I got her one too

Are you doing anything to make it nice for YOU? or only focussing on him? You're not responsible for his happiness.

OP you're tripping yourself up here. In your previous reply you said that you need to deliver presents to your family in August and now you're saying it's his family. Then you said you asked him months ago about cake, but now it's only a few weeks ago. Give over.

It sounds like you're quite controlling and don't like the responses you're receiving so are making stuff up now, as deep down you know you're being an arse.

Ease off a bit, you do you, but also let him do him. You can't and shouldn't make others care about these insignificant things.

Qforcucumber

By right drunks and snacks I mean I got in everything he asked for (admittedly in response to me asking what he would like, eg I asked him if he wants any alcohol and he said he wanted Guiness so I got that for him).

1. I was actually he would ask me back what I was looking forward to so I could talk about my excitement about Christmas! Surely that's allowed on the 23rd?

1. I didn't actually see him go out as I had my back to him.

1. Yes I see your point. I didn't want his sister to miss out but I wanted him to understand what consequences it has if he doesn't take responsibility for his family. His grandad didn't get a present even though that was his job and I chose not to intervene.

My DH has lost his mother. Right now for me I wanted to make sure he had a nice Christmas, that would have made me happy enough. It was a very scaled down Christmas compared to last year.

I did suggest a trolley dash on Christmas Eve but was turned down as he felt there's a risk he wouldn't get what he wanted!

Your first post and your update post are completely different. Which implies that you didn’t like the replies to your first post and changed tack ....

Dont any of the rest of you ask your partner about what snacks they want if you’re doing the Xmas shop?

I always do - it feels like a courtesy. I have no idea why the op is getting a hard time for any of yhis!

DorritoPaws

I consider his family to be mine too. We get on extremely well. In fact, they get on better with me than DH and we talk more than DH and them - although technically I guess they are his family.

Leave his family present buying to him. If you weren’t around then he would need to do it.

I swear, this year has been the worst for moaning threads. T
Let’s forget the crap that doesn’t really matter at Christmas and keep it in perspective.

Read most of it and honestly I can understand in a way. You sound like me, being organised and planning well in advance, being ahead of yourself. your DH more laid back like mine. Your DH is also grieving.

Last year I lost my granny six months before christmas. If it wasnt for the kids, I wouldn't have celebrated it at all.

The red cabbage probably brought back memories, again I understand this as I inherited my old teddy bear from granny's house, it smelt of the playroom. That was one of the hardest bits of the process, the smell and memeories hit you when you least expect it.

Yet grieving people are also the most irrational. It sounds to me that he may be expecting you to know hes hurting and why, yet doesnt manage to articulate that well.

I do understand your need to be organised, as I am the same, however I have come to admit recently that what I see as organised, others see it as micro managing and yes sometimes controlling. And that's rubs people up the wrong way, and it is something I'm working on.

Equally it sounds like your DH is like mine, and that is so laid back he may be horizontal. Again hes also grieving. He might have thought he was ready, then found out on the day he wasnt; the thing about his sister just seems an inconsequential thing, but often in grief it's the unimportant things you latch on to to express the hurt, as the real things are too big and hurtful to deal with.

These are two polar opposites, and I think the best way you can go forward from here is both of you compromise how to deal with things, and find a middle ground; also you listening to what he is trying, and failing, to tell you in that he is hurting and wants you to notice, without using so many words, but by the same token he has to stop using you as an emotional punch bag for his grief, telling you to do one thing then getting arsy when you do it.

Both of you, and I say this with no judgment what so ever, need to really talk, and listen to the other.

I would encourage him to see the GP for grief counselling. My DH had it after his mum died 16 years ago and it helped.

Wish you both all the best of luck

You're being way too intense.

Christmas talk in April?
Gifts in August?
The perfect crisps?

It's too much.

Leave the gift buying. If he wants to buy for his family that's his choice. If he forgets and it doesn't happen then that's his problem, not yours.

As for Christmas food shopping, just go to the shops a few days beforehand and both of you pick what you want. There is no need to plan it all out months in advance! We picked up our Christmas shopping on the 22nd - didn't even think about it before then!

Why don't you do the shopping together and cut out all this asking him what drinks/snacks he wants?
Get the presents for his relatives together too.

I’m not usually one to make comments that are negative to an op but I found your post smothering just reading it. You sound like a massive control freak op and your husband is simply a nodding dog.

Where are your mentions of the new baby here? It’s all about food and drinks and presents and all of the superficial things that are of course important but are not the be all and end all. You need to take a step back and look at what is really important to you- I suspect it will be your husband and baby, not Pringles and Christmas cake.

Two thirds of the year are spent worrying about one day! And for what? To feel upset and resentful.
I mean this kindly op but maybe next year try and lighten up where you can and see if that makes you feel a bit better.
There’s nothing wrong with being organised ( I am too ) but there’s going to the extreme and then feeling like you’ve somehow “failed” and it’s sad that you’re reduced to thinking that things are so black and white.

Life is real and unpredictable. Things happen, plans change. You can still have a wonderful Christmas each year by reducing the amount of effort you are putting in, seemingly to please nobody but you as your husband doesn’t sound that fussed. It’s time to maybe meet in the middle.

What replies do you want OP?

That your DH is a grumpy git and should be more grateful and excited about your effort for Christmas?

Well, maybe, but you did push it a lot

I was asking him what else he was looking forward to he interrupted me and got upset

he said I did know but I didn't care so long as I got my red cabbage. He didn't want red cabbage

Was then annoyed with me that I hadn't reminded him again. When I revealed I'd sorted her present, was annoyed with me that I hadn't told him when he started panicking 2 mins earlier, You let him panic. There must be a reason for that. Were you trying to make him realise how on top of things you are for Christmas? He was supposed to be amazingly relived, and probably would have been if you hadn't left it a couple of minutes before you revealed you'd bought the gift.

Same with when he answered yes to wanting to eat goose, requests for specific crisps etc. He didn't want any of those things - not that it stopped him eating them. He said yes because he felt he had to for some reason, probably to stop you asking. Of course he was going to eat them, but probably wanted other things instead.

Your post made me feel suffocated just reading it...

I can imagine that if you ever ask questions and then question his answers it would be very frustrating.
Also, remembering specific examples of arguments when put on the spot is really hard! (Also asking for specific examples is another way of you controlling the conversation to suit you)

I think I'm totally blind because I really can't see where I am going wrong. If I don't organise things then nothing gets done and he's pissed off with me. If I organise things without consulting him then he's also annoyed. If I don't start early enough then he's annoyed that I haven't given him enough time to think and answer. I really don't see how I can win this without being super organised.

Out of interest, did you have a chaotic childhood with sad Christmas memories?

I’m organised for Christmas. But you are overkill.

Leave him to buy his family’s present then go food shopping together and out stuff you both want in the trolley.

It's not about winning..

It's about finding ways to communicate.

Every Sunday, my partner and I go through diaries for the forthcoming week.

It really helps!!!! You can discuss plans and what needs doing etc etc

You need to be talking to him about this. Not us. The trouble is when one person is ‘super organised’ and the other is laid back is that there is a natural mismatch that has to be worked round. The laid back one is in a position where they are expected to be grateful - which can lead to unvoiced resentment. The organised one gets to be in control but may resent the laid back one for not being appreciative enough. You have to communicate with him.

He won't buy his family presents although has every intention to, then it's my fault that it didn't get done.

He refuses to come food shopping just before Christmas because it's too chaotic and there's no guarantee that they will have what he wants so wants it bought earlier.

And yes, I had sad Christmasses as a child.

Am I making sense? Can anyone see how I feel like whatever I do will be wrong, whether it's super organised or totally relaxed? I got him everything that he wanted and it still was wrong. I shouldn't have asked what he was looking forward to for Christmas and I shouldn't have let him panic for 2 mins about his Christmas but does that really overshadow everything else?

Disheveled, he won't discuss plans as he says he can't look more than a day ahead and I have to do it for him. If something falls through the cracks it's my fault. I don't know how he manages at work! We haven't had a proper holiday in years other than visiting family because of this.

Ask him to write down what he wants for Christmas. Tell him you'll be ordering it on whatever date. Order what you both want. Show him a list of what you've bought as gifts for people. Then it won't be you asking and asking what he wants.

You don't need to keep banging on about Christmas.

If you're taking gifts to his family in August you don't need to mention them until July.

OP it's not about winning or doing everything yourself. You can absolutely be organised, but not to the point of extremism. Equally, you can't put your expectations or standards on another person - it's just setting yourself up for failure and upset. I know, I speak from experience. I suggest that next year, you both meet in the middle - you ease off on the 'organising' and he steps up and takes responsibility for some things that need to be sorted. That way he has autonomy and can make his own decisions and you won't feel like you're doing it all. You need to accept that he has different priorities to you.