Vent - my crappy Christmas

[poopmas]

I love Christmas. I look forward to it so much so that I start planning 8 months ahead! Repairing stockings, looking out for presents etc. It was our first Christmas this year in our house and with a baby, so extra special. I know my DH will be missing his extended family and his deceased mum so I wanted to make it as good as possible.

On paper everything went to plan. We had a lovely meal Christmas Eve, beautiful stockings to wake up to, I got him a present that he really liked, Christmas dinner was perfect and we had all the right drinks and snacks in the house. In reality it was the worst Christmas ever.

1. Asked DH on the 23rd what he's looking forward to about Christmas, he said time off. As I was asking him what else he was looking forward to he interrupted me and got upset - why can't I be happy with his answer, why am I trying to correct his answer etc. Apparently this is what I always do, make him answer questions with the "correct" answer, but couldn't give me an example of when I've done this.

1. Ran out of the kitchen while I was cooking red cabbage (a traditional food from his childhood). Came back and asked if there was nothing in me that made me think I should stop cooking and go after him, apparently he felt sick at the smell and went to the loo. I said I didn't know that's what had happened, he said I did know but I didn't care so long as I got my red cabbage.

1. Suddenly remembered on the 25th that his sister got him presents. DH and I had agreed last year that we want to stop doing presents, and he would speak to her about it. I reminded him at least 6 times during the year to talk to her including 5 weeks ago, his father also reminded him, but he forgot. Was then annoyed with me that I hadn't reminded him again. When I revealed I'd sorted her present, was annoyed with me that I hadn't told him when he started panicking 2 mins earlier, and then didn't want his stocking.

1. Told me today that when I asked him months ago if he wants me to bake a Christmas cake again this year, he only said yes because if he had said no it would have been the wrong answer. Same with when he answered yes to wanting to eat goose, requests for specific crisps etc. He didn't want any of those things - not that it stopped him eating them. Apparently he knew it was expected of him to say yes to these things, but couldn't give me any concrete examples of what I had done to make him feel like that.

1. Told me that I'm not trying to make Christmas special for him, but am just doing it for myself and I expect him to be grateful, say the right things and "act his part". Had I known, I could have saved myself so much time and effort doing nice things for him.

I am so so very upset. I wanted to make a nice Christmas for my family and instead all the nice things are being thrown back in my face.

Wait, he sounds weird about the red cabbage thing on first read but thinking about it, you said that it was a traditional food from HIS childhood. Smells are so evocative. Could it be that it just reminded him so much of memories of his mum cooking it that he got overwhelmed and panicky. I’m wondering if grief is playing a big part here, as others are suggesting, along with the pressure to demonstrate to you that you’ve prepared everything perfectly.

I’m wondering if YOU have childhood memories surrounding Christmas of your mum making “the perfect Christmas” into such a big deal.

I like Christmas as much as the next person, but starting to think about it in April?! He is probably sick hearing about it by August.

I think I may have been misleading about planning Christmas for 8 months. My family lives abroad and we seen them once a year, so we take their Christmas presents to them in August - hence the planning. We did used to post them but DH found it inconvenient to go to the post office and didn't want the expense so this is what we do, it works for us. This year I have tried to be less "controlling" and as a result, we didn't have most presents to take with us and had to order things online to be delivered in the country, which my DH also didn't like as he didn't get to see the presents.

I am someone who likes to organise and plan, I put my hand up that otherwise find this controlling. I know DH does. But from experience if I don't, then things don't get done. I asked him for help with 4 things in the last month with Christmas - to help me find something he had put away (he refused), to help me sort out his grandmother's present (refused again so I did it), to help sort out his granddads present (refused again, I didn't do it either so he got nothing) and to talk to his sister.

I can be less "controlling" but when things go wrong he is in a mood and I will get blamed, like how I couldn't have reminded him once more about talking to his sister about his present.

Our Christmas was very simple. The only decorations we have are what he put up. He didn't consult me (and I'm ok with that), he put up what he liked. I cooked a very simple meal - the only extravagant thing was a goose leg we shared. I cooked what he asked for including the red cabbage. Ok, he didn't ask, I said "what would you like for Christmas dinner" and he said xyz, and I made it.

I'm not sure what people mean about the crisps, I asked him last week if he wants some and he said "yes please, I'd like Pringles of x flavour" and I got those. Same with the Christmas cake, I asked if he wants me to bake one (he doesn't like shop bought) and he said yes as it's not Christmas without it.

Just to clarify, the stocking is the size of my forearm filled with just sweets, nothing special.

Mum died 2 years ago and we all miss her terribly. We have hardly spoken about Christmas until the last month as it's been made very clear that if something is important to me then I have to do it with no expectations of help.

You don’t need to ask him months in advance what he wants to eat, especially cake. Dial down expectations, it’s too much.

If you are in a bad place with grief it can be really hard to enjoy Christmas and if someone wants everything to be perfect it could feel even more pressure as you could literally know that with the way you feel it could never be "perfect". He ran out with smells of cooking from his childhood, he said the thing he looked forward to most was "time off" (ie. getting away from it all. Christmas is hard if you've lost someone. He sounds depressed. Though it must be a huge disappointment if you love Christmas maybe (assuming he is normally nice) you just need to do something with no "memories" attached to it and stop putting on the pressure to have a good time.

you were fishing for compliments/for him tommy he's looking forward to just being with you

his mum dying puts a different spin on xmas, as does having a new baby

is he always like this?

You’ve given more details for people to realise that there doesn’t seem to be any communication difficulties or different viewpoints after all, I think.

It appears that he IS, in fact, just an arse hole.

Ok cross post with your update

From your original post, I felt like you were being too intense and controlling about Christmas. Having read your update, I'm leaning towards your partner being a lazy arse.

Sounds like you are intense and frankly would wind me up too.

Equally, sounds like he's a bit of a lazy arse

I always get a bit depressed around Christmas and no amount of people around me perfecting it would shake me out of the bad mood I find myself in on Christmas (Freud related)
Maybe you’re both a bit wrong; you’re not sensitive to the fact that he probably doesn’t give a shit about Christmas and he’s not sensitive to the fact that you love it, you need a chat.

Grief** not Freud!

He might be rather lazy, but I also think that all of this intensive Christmas planning is a bit much. It would make me want to run a mile.

For those of you who find it too intense, please could you tell me what you find intense? I just don't see it and it might be my controlling / planning nature. I don't think it's intense to ask 3 weeks ahead what he wants to eat for dinner so I can order the meat if needed, or to ask the previous week if I should get some crisps, or to talk about presents 5 weeks early when we need to plan in time for sending them abroad.

For those of you who find it too intense, please could you tell me what you find intense?

For starters, asking him "what else" when he's already answers your question about what he's looking forward to at Christmas. He answered the question. Why did there have to be anything else?

Asking him "months ago" if he wants you to bake a Christmas cake. Bake one, buy one, don't have one at all... who the fuck cares in July/August?

Nah I think he’s a monumental arse. Next year sort out your family. Tell him he’s doing his side and cook whatever you want to eat on Christmas and don’t consult him. Don’t ask him what he’s looking forward to make it fun for yourself and baby.

Bet he’ll be pissed off you’re not running around playing house elf for him then as well.

Intense is all the planning!
Your head is in that space for more of the year than it’s not.
Here’s my not intense Xmas: go to supermarket on Christmas Eve at 4pm chuck anything in the trolley that we fancy eating for the next two days.
Put DD to bed, wrap her presents, give each other our presents then hang out in PJs for next two days.

He might be picking up on the pressure from you that it has to be the way you visualise it. He may feel like he can’t win and that he’ll disappoint you whatever he does/ says/ doesn’t do/ say.

You are being intense. You ask what he is looking forward to but you aren’t satisfied with the answer so push for another one.

You ask him months in advance about cake and then what crisps to buy. It’s onto one day of the year, chill out and take the pressure off and it will be more enjoyable for everyone.

And I say that as someone who does start thinking about it from October onwards, not not to this extent where the expectations are so high that he is set to fail.

I don't know if I'm making myself clear here, the crisp conversation happened only a week before Christmas and similarly I didn't ask about the cake until end of Nov. I don't know why people are thinking I'm discussing food with him in July / August.

He needs a firm boot up the arse and to realise Christmas doesn’t revolve around him.

It is ONE day of the year!

make Christmas special for him. When did he try to make an effort for you OP? Tell him to stop the fucking pity party.

I honestly don’t know why women put up with shit like this on MN.

So what do you plan from April onwards?

And it’s in your own words you asked months ago about the cake.

when I asked him months ago if he wants me to bake a Christmas cake again this year

I didn't ask about the cake until the end of November

Doesn’t Christmas cake need to be made months in advance and fed with alcohol and left to mature?

Mind you I had presents all done by November. Except for MIL’s as SIL wanted to club together for a gift, but she didn’t want to think about it in November. Soooo I asked in the middle of December when I hadn’t heard back from her, turns out her idea couldn’t be done as what she wanted needed to be ordered waaaay in advance 🙄. I had back ups and sorted our gifts to MIL out.

Some people don’t think about Christmas till the 24th. I’m one of the ones who needs to plan ahead and ensure I’ve done my list well before December. We also had to order our turkey beginning of December or we wouldn’t have got it.

I sympathise with you OP.