Vent - my crappy Christmas

[poopmas]

I love Christmas. I look forward to it so much so that I start planning 8 months ahead! Repairing stockings, looking out for presents etc. It was our first Christmas this year in our house and with a baby, so extra special. I know my DH will be missing his extended family and his deceased mum so I wanted to make it as good as possible.

On paper everything went to plan. We had a lovely meal Christmas Eve, beautiful stockings to wake up to, I got him a present that he really liked, Christmas dinner was perfect and we had all the right drinks and snacks in the house. In reality it was the worst Christmas ever.

1. Asked DH on the 23rd what he's looking forward to about Christmas, he said time off. As I was asking him what else he was looking forward to he interrupted me and got upset - why can't I be happy with his answer, why am I trying to correct his answer etc. Apparently this is what I always do, make him answer questions with the "correct" answer, but couldn't give me an example of when I've done this.

1. Ran out of the kitchen while I was cooking red cabbage (a traditional food from his childhood). Came back and asked if there was nothing in me that made me think I should stop cooking and go after him, apparently he felt sick at the smell and went to the loo. I said I didn't know that's what had happened, he said I did know but I didn't care so long as I got my red cabbage.

1. Suddenly remembered on the 25th that his sister got him presents. DH and I had agreed last year that we want to stop doing presents, and he would speak to her about it. I reminded him at least 6 times during the year to talk to her including 5 weeks ago, his father also reminded him, but he forgot. Was then annoyed with me that I hadn't reminded him again. When I revealed I'd sorted her present, was annoyed with me that I hadn't told him when he started panicking 2 mins earlier, and then didn't want his stocking.

1. Told me today that when I asked him months ago if he wants me to bake a Christmas cake again this year, he only said yes because if he had said no it would have been the wrong answer. Same with when he answered yes to wanting to eat goose, requests for specific crisps etc. He didn't want any of those things - not that it stopped him eating them. Apparently he knew it was expected of him to say yes to these things, but couldn't give me any concrete examples of what I had done to make him feel like that.

1. Told me that I'm not trying to make Christmas special for him, but am just doing it for myself and I expect him to be grateful, say the right things and "act his part". Had I known, I could have saved myself so much time and effort doing nice things for him.

I am so so very upset. I wanted to make a nice Christmas for my family and instead all the nice things are being thrown back in my face.

Look up gaslighting. This is what he does. You can’t get anything right because he needs you to be in a constant state of anxiety and working for his approval. It’s never going to come.

If anyone in this house stated planning Christmas in May, I’d possibly have to leave.

I think 1-4 are annoying, 5 sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

From your OP I was going to say your DH sounds like a complete manchild but from your subsequent posts I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for him! You are way way too intense and over the top about all this. You need to dial it all back and unclench! Why on earth are you getting your knickers in a knot about bloody crisps? Who cares?

I love Christmas. I look forward to it so much so that I start planning 8 months ahead! Repairing stockings, looking out for presents etc. It was our first Christmas this year in our house and with a baby, so extra special. I know my DH will be missing his extended family and his deceased mum so I wanted to make it as good as possible.

This sounds like you do Christmas for you, because you love it - which is fine but honestly that one paragraph sounds crazy making. I can imagine your husband is sick to death of your perfect Christmas plans and just fills in the cake/crisps/food gaps without much thought.

I was actually he would ask me back what I was looking forward to so I could talk about my excitement about Christmas! Surely that's allowed on the 23rd?

So why didn’t you just say “I’m really looking forward to you having some time off too and I’m excited for xyz” instead of waiting for him to come up with the “right” answer. At this time of year both my husband I really really look forward to time off, yes there are lots of other things I’m excited about but if you had asked me on Monday - after a week at work and a week ending hosting family - I would have said “some time off/time to myself”.

I wonder if just chilling a bit, relaxing and not trying to make everything perfect might serve you well.

In also wondering what the he’ll you do with your stocking that they need repairing?

He sounds like he is sick of striving for the perfect Xmas and he's telling you he thinks your a control freak. Could you be? Just a bit?

There were no planned activities

What planned activities did you have in mind?*

I'd just say you sound incompatible. You have this idea of a perfect Christmas that takes months to plan, he doesn't sound like he cares. And honestly that's fine too.

You need to meet in the middle a bit. It's one day, it doesn't need to be planned for eight months.

My mother is like you and we've never had a nice Christmas because she always melts down because it's not what she expected.

You are damned if you do and damned if you do not. You can't go ahead with your own wishes and wants. You somehow are in the wrong for doing what he says he wants. Impossible situation.

New plan going forward. Don't mention Christmas. Send him an email called 2020. Just state "I resign from organizing Christmas."

Maybe he hates Christmas! Maybe he would rather it didn't exist and he loathes the expense.

You are bending over backwards to do right and not being appreciated. If he complains that xyz hasn't been done, ask for him to write his instructions in an email. You have got nothing to lose.
My ex was a lazy, cheap bah humbug fun sponge. But strangely, if I paid for it all and organized it, he ate the food, drank the alcohol and kept his presents.

It's fine to want to make a big thing of Christmas but your dh obviously doesn't want to. So that's a problem to be addressed. Personally I think you've developed these behaviors as a way of coping with him. I think he sounds like an arse. For example the wrapping paper not being to his taste, but doing fuck all in the buying and wrapping of presents.

How is he the rest of the year? He sounds like a petulant teenager.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't is a perfect description. I have no idea what I'm cooking for dinner tonight and DH has just told me that's not on and we need to be more planned and organised.

I seem to be getting a lot of flack for starting to get presents sorted from about April. I can stop doing the presents for his family and not talk about what food we are going to get in until the 24th, but I know we will all have a rubbish Christmas as a result because he doesn't do anything to help prepare and complains about the things that I have done, then will mope around how rubbish it is and why couldn't I have planned ahead and reminded him.

The rest of our lives is also the same - take packing for trips as an example. I write a list and tick off as I pack for just the baby and me, he says that's too planned and packs what he can think off at the last minute, he always forgets something but doesn't realise until it's too late, then blames me for not having written a list for him! This is how Christmas would be if we were spontaneous.

I get that you probably mean well and want to make things special for him - but speaking as someone who lost a parent a couple of years ago, no amount of presents, food etc makes up for what you've lost.

It sounds like he really didn't want to buy into it this year and needed space to grieve - that doesn't forgive his rudeness but he clearly feels there's nothing to celebrate. I think you need to tone down the festive.

I don't think his behaviour can be explained just because of grieving. It sounds like he's a pain in the arse a lot of the time. Wants OP to not treat him like a child, but behave s just like one.

OP you sound like you put a lot of effort into taking his preferences into account and making it a nice day for your family. You sound kind and thoughtful.

I don't think either of you are at fault here, you just have different expectations. I think you feel under appreciated and he feels frustrated by your approach to planning, for whatever reason. This could be a good opportunity to really look at how you communicate with each other and show appreciation.

Might be worth considering a couple of sessions of couples therapy in the new year? These seem like low level things that could be easily sorted for a happier day to day life.

In the meantime, focus on yourself, do what you enjoy, and soak up the Christmas spirit you've worked so hard to create.

OP, how do you respond when he blames you for not getting things done for him? He is not a child and it is appalling (and must be very unattractive) that he refuses to take responsibility for himself. Urgh.

(I also feel like posters defending him have not read the updates)

Although he may be grieving , his DM did not die during the year. I don't mean to be dismissive of grief or prescribe a time frame but OP said she died 2 years ago. So this is the 2nd or even 3rd Christmas without her.

OP, what are you getting from the marriage?

Odd thread. The initial post is written in a way that the issues are not big ones, but that you were so focused he is trying to tell you it's all too much.

All the other posts, play down the initial post, describe a bare bones Xmas, and go as far as possible to prove it's him not you

I suspect there are two sides to this story, then the truth.

You seem to have got yourselves stuck in roles where you dash about planning, consulting over-anxiously and ticking off things on lists and your DH criticises both this and the result. It’s making you increasingly clenched and anxious, and him lazy and critical.

It’s not working for either of you. In your shoes I’d either move out or just stop doing things. He’ll still be critical, but at least you won’t have wasted any effort.

What was your Christmas like last year op? Do you think things are different because if his in dying?

To me it sounds like you want the perfect Christmas, and I can see that because if his loss, your new baby, you can want to have everything just right. The thing is, the actual day will fall short of expectations no matter how good it is.

I think you've got a hard time about being controlling and organised, when you've explained the reasons for the early planning. You've wanted to make Christmas lovely for your husband, so have asked questions to make sure he gets the things he'd like. Then you've helped to buy presents and organise stuff to make things go smoothly.

The problem I think is when you asked your husband what he was looking forward to, his answer was simply time off. I would have wanted an answer telling me spending time with me and our baby, relaxing together. And his answer minimises the effort youve put into everything.

I wonder if maybe he is upset about Christmas and taking it out on you? You say he is annoyed by your controlling the whole thing and organising it but is equally annoyed at the idea of being left to his own devices.

I think you need to have an honest and Frank conversation with him about the expectations you both have for Christmas so you can both wise up a bit for cnext year.

Sometimes I think we lash out at those we love most because we know they will still love us. If he is not normally an arse then maybe you need to talk about why christmas has stirred all this up.

Enjoy the rest of the break with your little family. Eat all the crisps.

I have to say I would find your need to deliver a perfect Christmas utterly overwhelming. Why were you asking permission for baking a Christmas cake? How would you have reacted if your husband had said no, he didn't want one? I am not excusing him being unkind but it can be hard to live up to such high expectations.

Also think you have painted two different pictures of your day. One with all the trimmings and one very bah humbug, I dont know which happened.

I think you both probably need to communicate more, you both sound very frustrated, and with totally different expectations and views. Forget Christmas and focus on seeing if you can start communicating on a more open and honest level. If you can't, then expect many more similar Christmases.

It's not really about Christmas, is it? It sounds like you are a planner and organiser. He relies on you planning and organising but pushes back if you ask for any contribution to sorting out his life.

How is he with your baby? Is he involved in stuff like planning shots? Did he sort out the nursery? There is a lot to organise when you are pregnant, how did he deal with that?

Has this 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' attitude appeared since his mother's death, or has it always been here. Because if has always been there, then it is not going to change and you need to find ways to accept that a woman's place is in the wrong.

I'm now very confused about what he's expecting. We have had a chat and he told me how much bigger and better his mum made Christmas and how well organised she was to get it all done. She did do Christmas a lot nicer than I did but she used to start preparations the day after Christmas for the following year! My FIL was also key in helping to prepare, my DH doesn't help. I just don't know what to think anymore - I was too prepared, he said yes to things he didn't actually want, now I wasn't prepared enough and it wasn't as great as previous years?!

He also backtracked and said he didn't mean some of the things he said, and had said them because he was annoyed that on Christmas Eve I woke up 20 mins later than agreed.

I've suggested counselling, he says he'd prefer to get divorced.

If he blames me for things that are his responsibility, I tell him that he's an adult and he needs to take responsibility, he says he has too much on and I have to help him and it's therefore my fault. I have a full time job, do everything for DS and have the mental load as well, I can't take on any more responsibility. He says he wants to help sometimes but I can't rely on him because most of the time whatever he agrees to doesn't get done.