Vent - my crappy Christmas

[poopmas]

I love Christmas. I look forward to it so much so that I start planning 8 months ahead! Repairing stockings, looking out for presents etc. It was our first Christmas this year in our house and with a baby, so extra special. I know my DH will be missing his extended family and his deceased mum so I wanted to make it as good as possible.

On paper everything went to plan. We had a lovely meal Christmas Eve, beautiful stockings to wake up to, I got him a present that he really liked, Christmas dinner was perfect and we had all the right drinks and snacks in the house. In reality it was the worst Christmas ever.

1. Asked DH on the 23rd what he's looking forward to about Christmas, he said time off. As I was asking him what else he was looking forward to he interrupted me and got upset - why can't I be happy with his answer, why am I trying to correct his answer etc. Apparently this is what I always do, make him answer questions with the "correct" answer, but couldn't give me an example of when I've done this.

1. Ran out of the kitchen while I was cooking red cabbage (a traditional food from his childhood). Came back and asked if there was nothing in me that made me think I should stop cooking and go after him, apparently he felt sick at the smell and went to the loo. I said I didn't know that's what had happened, he said I did know but I didn't care so long as I got my red cabbage.

1. Suddenly remembered on the 25th that his sister got him presents. DH and I had agreed last year that we want to stop doing presents, and he would speak to her about it. I reminded him at least 6 times during the year to talk to her including 5 weeks ago, his father also reminded him, but he forgot. Was then annoyed with me that I hadn't reminded him again. When I revealed I'd sorted her present, was annoyed with me that I hadn't told him when he started panicking 2 mins earlier, and then didn't want his stocking.

1. Told me today that when I asked him months ago if he wants me to bake a Christmas cake again this year, he only said yes because if he had said no it would have been the wrong answer. Same with when he answered yes to wanting to eat goose, requests for specific crisps etc. He didn't want any of those things - not that it stopped him eating them. Apparently he knew it was expected of him to say yes to these things, but couldn't give me any concrete examples of what I had done to make him feel like that.

1. Told me that I'm not trying to make Christmas special for him, but am just doing it for myself and I expect him to be grateful, say the right things and "act his part". Had I known, I could have saved myself so much time and effort doing nice things for him.

I am so so very upset. I wanted to make a nice Christmas for my family and instead all the nice things are being thrown back in my face.

Your whole attitude to Christmas, with all of your months of planning (you have said that) is extremely intense.

I wouldn't like it and would feel I couldn't possibly match up to your impossibly high expectations.

His answer that he was looking forward to time off over Christmas was one many people would have given. Nothing wrong with it. Why does there have to be another?

You seem to have fixed ideas of how you want things to be so you'd naturally be upset at any deviancies to your plans. I get why your DH would claim to feel the need to give a 'right answer' going on your OP alone. It's all a bit much.

This is insane. You will drive yourself and everyone around you mad.

I was actually he would ask me back what I was looking forward to so I could talk about my excitement about Christmas! so he was right in his point that you expected a different response from him. It very much sounds like you're treating him like a child consequences if he doesn't buy his sister a gift? Jeez. I didnt get my brother one this year, he just said he will let me know if he sees anything he likes in the sales. If you over plan things theres too much scope for it to go wrong.

Wow. Firstly, lower your expectations. The more you expect, the harder you fall. You are putting so much pressure and effort into this and it isn't living up to your expectations so change it. Who cares what specific crisps are needed. Buy a selection and be done with it. My DH couldn't care about the little things you mentioned. I think next year you need to expect less. This year I didn't expect gifts, I expected to cook, I expected nice food but not specific things and I expected not to argue on Chrismas day. I had the best Christmas ever because I did get presents, DH cooked dinner, my boys sat quietly through a church service. It's the little things in life! Christmas is about spending time together- niot who has the prettiest stocking and making sure you have two tubes of salted pringles. Your life shouldn't be an Instagram page.

Monster mummy, I agree, but what I don't seem to be getting across well is that if I relax, DH will also be upset with me. For example, if I get a selection of crisps without asking him, he will be upset. How do you deal with this paradox?

He sounds hard work too, tbh. If you buy crisps, and don't end up getting the ones he decided he really wanted, perhaps he'll learn to buy his own bloody crisps next time, if they're so important to him.

Does he honestly get upset if not consulted about crisp flavours? That isn't exactly not caring about the little things, as so many people have eagerly proclaimed him to be.

I think the DH is at fault here.
He did nothing for Christmas but bitches about what OP did. He had specific jobs - buy presents for his family members which despite frequent reminders from OP and someone else he didn't do. OP let him stew for 2 min so he could feel the consequences of not bothering his arse to get his sister a present. Maybe he might get the finger out next year.
OP asks him what food he wants and she's putting him under pressure. For those of you who shop on 24th that's up to you. But shopping earlier and asking your DH if there's anything specific he wants is not unreasonable. Then he's pissed off? I bet if she hadn't got his Pringles he'd have been giving out anyway.
This said, it does seem like OP is more enthusiastic than most about Christmas. Next year I'd write a list of jobs to do in October, hand him his half (or email so it doesn't get lost) and leave him to sink or swim

I'll go back to my original statement OP that I suspect whatever you did would be wrong. Think carefully about whether that resonates with you.

Buttery muffin yes he does. He was upset about the wrapping paper I bought because it wasn't too his taste!

Giving emailed jobs is a good idea. I have done this before and he has "sunk" without fail. Not fair that I then have to bear the consequences too

What utter tripe you typed out Fredafrogspawn too much wine today,dear?

It sounds like his only participation in Christmas is to reserve the right to complain with no actual contribution to the planning and preparation

Why do you put up with this?
It doesn't sound like you cooperate with each other at all.
The crisps details is just plain (no pun intended) crazy.
How could anyone plan or care about exactly which type of crisps you have??

Everyone wants christmas to be this lovely fluffy fairytale time, it rarely is. Too many of us put ourselves under so much pressure to try & make it perfect & end up worn out nervous wrecks. Maybe next year trim back what you do, don't do a massive dinner, discuss between you both well before the day what you both want & make sure he does his share of the prep & work on the day, it is supposed to be a rest for both of you, not one of you sat on their backside while the other one slaves away.

So he micromanages the wrapping paper etc but refuses to get involved in any other way apart from criticising you ?
You ask him his opinion/desire? You're wrong.
You don't ask him? You're wrong.
You try to anticipate so as not to have to ask him? You should have asked.
You remind him to do (presents for his family)? He doesn't do them. Then bitches at you for doing it.

You decide to divorce him?....... And your Life becomes easier and freer?

you did your best, yet he finds faults.
he will never be happy with anything.

I put up with it because my DH has lost his mum so I'm trying to be kind.

I don't know how much more we can trim Christmas. There were hardly any presents, no tree, no special breakfast as such, dinner was just meat and potatoes with two veg, no Christmas pudding, a soup in the evening and crisps / sweets during the day. There were no planned activities, TV programs etc. A small stocking for DH and baby. That's it.

@JuneSpoon spot on, that's how it feels. I know I haven't been perfect either but I don't feel I deserve how I was treated.

Your Dh sounds bad tempered and bad mannered. He was rude to you. You don’t have to be overly invested in Christmas yourself but what gives you the right to be rude and unkind to your spouse?

Op next year make some plans where you treat yourself in the actual lead to Christmas. Special days out to the markets/grotto/carols or a festive catchup with friends and family. And as your dc gets older do some lovely activities with them in the days before Christmas. Then on christmas day, reduce the preparations and work you are doing and put your feet up and have a rest. It looks as if you are in the situation of being married to the grinch and in that situation you will always be in the wrong on Christmas Day, so mitigate the emotional hurt you may get by planning in advance!

His DM died and that's sad but lots of people have suffered a loss and manage not to be massive dickheads.

Poop depending on how you feel about him, try improving your communication. Tell him you'd like to stay married but...
It's sounds like he's trying to rain on your parade, make you look/feel silly for caring about Christmas. He can only use his mother's death for so long and if he's still so devastated that he's not interested in having Christmas, especially when you have a small child in the house then you don't have to live with that for the rest of your life. Now that you've seen/realized this side to his character you can keep thinking and watching - was it a blip in an otherwise happy equal respectful marriage or is he bringing you down?

On paper everything went to plan. We had a lovely meal Christmas Eve, beautiful stockings to wake up to, I got him a present that he really liked, Christmas dinner was perfect and we had all the right drinks and snacks in the house

You started by saying this, then say:

There were hardly any presents, no tree, no special breakfast as such, dinner was just meat and potatoes with two veg, no Christmas pudding, a soup in the evening and crisps / sweets during the day. There were no planned activities, TV programs etc. A small stocking for DH and baby. That's it.

Which one was it?

It’s one day of the year which you are putting far to much pressure on! Get a hobby!

Lynette the two are not mutually exclusive. The plan was a low key but lovely Christmas, and with the exception of how DH was, that's what we had.

I could have saved myself so much time and effort doing nice things for him.

Yes you could.

Even though your Christmas was very low key with a simple meal, and no tree you had spent many months thinking about it.

You obviously want to continue to put effort into Christmas and for your efforts to be appreciated. I'm not sure the two of you are compatible.