Vent - my crappy Christmas

[poopmas]

I love Christmas. I look forward to it so much so that I start planning 8 months ahead! Repairing stockings, looking out for presents etc. It was our first Christmas this year in our house and with a baby, so extra special. I know my DH will be missing his extended family and his deceased mum so I wanted to make it as good as possible.

On paper everything went to plan. We had a lovely meal Christmas Eve, beautiful stockings to wake up to, I got him a present that he really liked, Christmas dinner was perfect and we had all the right drinks and snacks in the house. In reality it was the worst Christmas ever.

1. Asked DH on the 23rd what he's looking forward to about Christmas, he said time off. As I was asking him what else he was looking forward to he interrupted me and got upset - why can't I be happy with his answer, why am I trying to correct his answer etc. Apparently this is what I always do, make him answer questions with the "correct" answer, but couldn't give me an example of when I've done this.

1. Ran out of the kitchen while I was cooking red cabbage (a traditional food from his childhood). Came back and asked if there was nothing in me that made me think I should stop cooking and go after him, apparently he felt sick at the smell and went to the loo. I said I didn't know that's what had happened, he said I did know but I didn't care so long as I got my red cabbage.

1. Suddenly remembered on the 25th that his sister got him presents. DH and I had agreed last year that we want to stop doing presents, and he would speak to her about it. I reminded him at least 6 times during the year to talk to her including 5 weeks ago, his father also reminded him, but he forgot. Was then annoyed with me that I hadn't reminded him again. When I revealed I'd sorted her present, was annoyed with me that I hadn't told him when he started panicking 2 mins earlier, and then didn't want his stocking.

1. Told me today that when I asked him months ago if he wants me to bake a Christmas cake again this year, he only said yes because if he had said no it would have been the wrong answer. Same with when he answered yes to wanting to eat goose, requests for specific crisps etc. He didn't want any of those things - not that it stopped him eating them. Apparently he knew it was expected of him to say yes to these things, but couldn't give me any concrete examples of what I had done to make him feel like that.

1. Told me that I'm not trying to make Christmas special for him, but am just doing it for myself and I expect him to be grateful, say the right things and "act his part". Had I known, I could have saved myself so much time and effort doing nice things for him.

I am so so very upset. I wanted to make a nice Christmas for my family and instead all the nice things are being thrown back in my face.

Why is he labouring under the delusion that women ‘do Christmas’ and men are its passive recipients?

Christmas isn't the problem here is it?

I've suggested counselling, he says he'd prefer to get divorced

My guess is that he has zero intention of getting divorced. Call him on it and see! He is saying this to avoid having to make any changes himself.

I sense from your posts that you will put up for a lot for a very long time, but do you want to be posting on here in ten years' time that nothing has changed?

Next year I'd do a meal that I myself wanted, buy the snacks that I wanted and organise the things I wanted. If someone won't do any of the mental lifting, then they don't have a say in how it's done. It not being the way his Mum did it is pretty bloody obvious....HE know how his childhood Christmases were, how the heck are you supposed to know???? If he won't tell you, help you or share his memories, then serve him a curry and tell him to stop being a whiny brat. Its not fair of him, and you are under no obligation to fill the gap left by his Mum.

Please go out today and do something nice for yourself. He's being an utter pillock and talking to him in this mood won't get you anywhere. He doesn't know what he wants and is just expecting you to somehow magically know it for him.

Ok. He isn't nice. He's got some shit ideas in his head - your efforts at Xmas will never be good enough as you can not recreate being his mum and his childhood xmasses

Unless he sorts out the utter mess in his head, you'll get this from him every year until the day you shove his head up the turkey.

I'd leave - easy to say, but barring a miracle you're in big trouble with this man.

Seriously, it's one day!! By all means plan a week or two beforehand to make it a nice break, but this level of angst about it all is bizarre. I think you both need to grow the fuck up and calm down. You sound about eleven years old and are both playing at being professionally offended over absolutely nothing. Neither of you are mature enough to conduct an adult relationship.

I’m afraid he’s lashing out at you because he’s angry with you. What he is saying to you is not the real issue, as you say damed if you do, damed if you don’t.

Make ex was like this, he would have me in inner turmoil, always trying to work out what to do and say and why I had done/said the wrong thing. I permanently lived on egg shells, nothing right/good/nice was ever commented on and only the bad/wrong things picked up.

My ex also held his mum in very high regard and she too had died,

The issue too of the rightand wrong answers is also another way of lashing out. When you asked him most what he was looking forward to at Xmas, anyone in your position would know and be hoping for them to say our first Xmas together, out first Xmas with baby etc but instead he purposely said time off work. Ie) nothing to do with you. He KNEW this would hurt you and still said it, this promoted you to ask what else, yes fishing for another answer, a kinder more loving answer and yes he has a point here that his first answer wasn’t the right answer but this is where their coercive control comes in. He purposely gave you an answer that you wouldn’t like and then blames you for reacting. Even if he was most looking forward to time off, what is wrong with saying something nice and kind to your partner.

It is because he is so critical all if the time that you become more needy for some positive confirmation for all your efforts.

I’m really sorry op but from my experience h3 is never going to give it and you will never measure up to his mum. I spent 25 years desperately trying to please a man like this and it doesnt matter what you do, you will only ever get criticism and hurt. This eventually affected my MH and I had depression. I had 4 children and desperately wanted to make the marriage work for them, keep the family together. In the end after years and years of emotional abuse and then financial abuse ( I was a SAHM) gave up my career, separates me from family and friends, he left me as his ’ultimate’ punishment, I was told I was just too awful a wife to live with. I so wish .i had left when the boys were younger, as teenagers they all suffered tremendously with the break up.

I would advise you to seriously consider leaving, you deserve better, although hard with a young baby, bette4 then years later when you are even more invested.

Honest to god, yes, divorce would be easier! As a pp said, he’s gaslighting you, nothing is ever good enough for him, you do something he wanted, he then tells you it was the wrong thing. He’s constantly wrong footing you and keeping you in a state of constant dilemma: as you say, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

What is he adding to your life? How is he enhancing it? No wonder you’re trying to be organised if he micromanaged the bloody wrapping paper. You must constantly be on tenterhooks. I feel very sorry for you.

Honestly he sounds way too much hard work for me.

I hope things change for you by next Christmas

You, @poopmas are married to an arsehole. Best Christmas present ever would be to take him up on his offer of a divorce.

@scubadive puts it far better than I. Great advice from her, I think your life would be far easier without him, OP. You will never be able to do the right thing because you’re not his mum and he likes keeping you guessing because-news flash-he’s a cunt.

OP, I don’t think he will ever be happy with anything you do (and it’s not grief doing this, or much that you’re doing wrong ). I think he is just not happy with his life with you and as a consequence is finding fault with EVERYTHING, even the very trivial. It’s like he is trying to convince himself that you don’t have a good life together so you can both come to the conclusion that you’re better off apart. He didn’t want to be the one to raise it but from having this more open conversation the cat is out the bag and it’s there on the table now.

There is no love oozing out of your posts. From either of you. No devastation from you at his suggest that you divorce. Did you get married for love or was this some kind of marriage of convenience?

I think you might be onto something. He's not happy with me so he's finding things to criticise. I feel numb at the suggestion of divorce because he's brought it up so many times over trivial things that I just can't get worked up over it anymore eg I'll point out something he washed up still has food stuck on it and he'll say we should get divorced because he's clearly not good enough.

OP, it sounds like he's pissed off with you all the bloody time. Are you walking on eggshells, constantly trying to do the 'right' thing? I agree with the gaslighting comment. He's not nice.

Does he just believe you were put on this planet to make his life perfect and if it's not perfect it must be your fault?

When did his mother pass away?
Could he be depressed? Or just not want fuss as his mother is not around.

My husband is like this, he suggests divorce at the drop of a hat.

OP, what has been your response when he has suggested divorce at trivial stuff? I mean, do you think he has been testing your response all these times?

I think I would just stop it right there and say “ok then. You suggest this often enough so you’re clearly not and never will be happy with this marriage. So let’s do it.”

Be serious.

My husband is like this, he suggests divorce at the drop of a hat.

That’s not normal you know, Anon. What the hell is that about? It’s either a way of controlling you by stopping you from EVER expressing your dissatisfaction with something, however trivial, or he has a major inferiority complex and is testing you out “I’m such a massive failure in life and a disappointment to you that we may as well get divorced as that’s probably what you really want eventually anyway.”

I suspect the former is what is going on in both your situation, Anon, and the OP’s.

Blimey. I was quite sympathetic towards your DH after reading your first post, but not after subsequent posts and especially not the last one!! You work full time as well?! I suggest that you inform him calmly that Christmas for 2020 will be fully orchestrated by him, and that you will take notes from the experience.

Thank you all for your posts. It has given me food for thought. I admit I am what I think is super organised but other people might find controlling. DH is at the other end of the spectrum and that leads to conflict. He also has the need to be in control and approve all decisions, but leaves everything to the last minute and usually drops the ball, and then blames me for it.

In hindsight this isn't just about Christmas, it's a perfect example of how life often is. He won't make decisions, won't let me make decisions for even unimportant things, and the consequence is that someone then misses out on something (eg his grandad getting no Christmas present) and I'm stressed because there's something I will be blamed for, and he won't take responsibility. You can do something exactly how he's asked, and he will still find fault. If he cant, he will find fault with something completely unrelated (eg me oversleeping) to create an argument and ruin the moment.

It's not just me he's like this with. He's like this with all family members and we've had at least one Christmas where he made his mum cry. Last visit home he made his dad cry because his dad started the car before I finished putting my seatbelt on.

I will need to have a good think about how I want my life to carry on.

He doesn't sound happy. Possibly not capable of being happy. Think of yourself and your children. What's best for you and them?

YABU to expect other adults to care about xmas in the way that you do

You can do something exactly how he's asked, and he will still find fault. If he cant, he will find fault with something completely unrelated (eg me oversleeping) to create an argument and ruin the moment. It's not just me he's like this with. He's like this with all family members and we've had at least one Christmas where he made his mum cry. Last visit home he made his dad cry because his dad started the car before I finished putting my seatbelt on.

None of this sounds remotely normal, OP. Do you think he’s aware that it isn’t? I wonder where it’s all coming from....