Vent - my crappy Christmas

[poopmas]

I love Christmas. I look forward to it so much so that I start planning 8 months ahead! Repairing stockings, looking out for presents etc. It was our first Christmas this year in our house and with a baby, so extra special. I know my DH will be missing his extended family and his deceased mum so I wanted to make it as good as possible.

On paper everything went to plan. We had a lovely meal Christmas Eve, beautiful stockings to wake up to, I got him a present that he really liked, Christmas dinner was perfect and we had all the right drinks and snacks in the house. In reality it was the worst Christmas ever.

1. Asked DH on the 23rd what he's looking forward to about Christmas, he said time off. As I was asking him what else he was looking forward to he interrupted me and got upset - why can't I be happy with his answer, why am I trying to correct his answer etc. Apparently this is what I always do, make him answer questions with the "correct" answer, but couldn't give me an example of when I've done this.

1. Ran out of the kitchen while I was cooking red cabbage (a traditional food from his childhood). Came back and asked if there was nothing in me that made me think I should stop cooking and go after him, apparently he felt sick at the smell and went to the loo. I said I didn't know that's what had happened, he said I did know but I didn't care so long as I got my red cabbage.

1. Suddenly remembered on the 25th that his sister got him presents. DH and I had agreed last year that we want to stop doing presents, and he would speak to her about it. I reminded him at least 6 times during the year to talk to her including 5 weeks ago, his father also reminded him, but he forgot. Was then annoyed with me that I hadn't reminded him again. When I revealed I'd sorted her present, was annoyed with me that I hadn't told him when he started panicking 2 mins earlier, and then didn't want his stocking.

1. Told me today that when I asked him months ago if he wants me to bake a Christmas cake again this year, he only said yes because if he had said no it would have been the wrong answer. Same with when he answered yes to wanting to eat goose, requests for specific crisps etc. He didn't want any of those things - not that it stopped him eating them. Apparently he knew it was expected of him to say yes to these things, but couldn't give me any concrete examples of what I had done to make him feel like that.

1. Told me that I'm not trying to make Christmas special for him, but am just doing it for myself and I expect him to be grateful, say the right things and "act his part". Had I known, I could have saved myself so much time and effort doing nice things for him.

I am so so very upset. I wanted to make a nice Christmas for my family and instead all the nice things are being thrown back in my face.

He sounds like a complete arsehole. Please let him divorce you, and start planning a wonderful Christmas for yourself and your child next year xx

He is definitely a gaslighter.

Most of these are your DH being really petty, but number three I agree is odd. Why didn’t you just say, “Oh your sister got us a present but don’t worry, I had one for her just in case.” He shouldn’t need so
much spoonfeeding but the way you concealed you’d sorted it does feel a bit like a hoity response.

The more you say about him, the worse he sounds. And he sounded an utter arse in the first place. A grown man making his father cry over a seat belt? Is he particularly aggressive and unpleasant when he's annoyed? He sounds like a horrible bully.

Maybe next year, down size your christmas. Dont ask him so many questions, just get the groceries. Dont buy a present for his sister, that was his lesson to learn.

@CurlyhairedAssassin has nailed it. You'll always be in the wrong with this bloke, OP. Call his bluff and tell him, yes, let's end it, next time he tries that.

Any adult who is still holding up their mum's way of doing Christmas as their epitome (except in a nostalgic 'we had such good times' way) has a problem with adulting, if you ask me. And, if her Christmas was so good, why and how did he make her cry?

He sounds utter shit, to be honest. He's setting you up to find fault. Divorce sounds like the best idea. It's probably the only idea he's had that he doesn't expect you to act on.

Last visit home he made his dad cry because his dad started the car before I finished putting my seatbelt on.

Just wow.

I think you should start planning next Christmas now...

Step 1. - Divorce
Step 2. - Whatever the hell you like whenever the hell you like it.

Enjoy next year!

there's something I will be blamed for, and he won't take responsibility

Just because he blames you, doesn't mean you have to accept the blame. It's just random nonsense spewing from his mouth, you know it's not your fault if you stop to think about what you think. Unfortunately, you've been trained to think only about what he thinks by his awful gaslighting.

I felt nauseous and nervous reading about him from your first post onwards. It so resonated with me, reminding me of my XH. All the telling you what to do but then expecting you to know he didn't mean it, pretending to be scared of you so he just says what will keep the peace - XH still does that.

It's bad that he threatens divorce at any small thing. It's so controlling: stops you saying anything that's not glowing!

I think PP with no experience of this type of person have called you intense without realising it is the result of tying yourself in knots trying to find a way to please this illogical, lazy, cruel mindfucker.

I'm glad to see you're thinking seriously about your future. I'm not in the habit of trying to break up marriages, but I know how much happier I am now and how close to a breakdown one MH expert told me I was while married.

It's just so much stress and planning and pressure and spending that we think we NEED to do to have a "Good" Christmas. One stupid day. I don't know why we do it I really don't! we are such a weird species.

He is being very selfish. And threatening divorce frequently is to make you feel insecure.

Ive never bought presents for dh’s family. He has a small family and I have a large family. His family is his responsibility. Tell him, in January, you have lots to organise in preparation for Christmas so he is now responsible for his family and xyz.

Get yourself in a position so that if he threatens to divorce you again, you can say you wont be emotionally abused like this any longer and you can show him the door.

@Straycatstrut Christmas is 12 days. But yes so much pressure shouldn't be on one of them.

Your marriage sounds exactly like my in-laws I'm afraid. My mil has spent her entire life jumping through hoops and bending over backward to please him. But nothing is ever good enough, and if she even comes close my pil just then moves the goal posts. He refuses to organise anything, but then criticises anything my mil arranges for them. Even on the morning of his sixtieth birthday he was keeping mil guessing as to whether he would go to the big family lunch she had arranged. Poor mil was beside herself with fretting and stressing and just didn't know what to do. Because if the family had still gone ahead with the lunch and fil didn't show up then he would have been furious that we all ignored him. Does any of this sound familiar OP?

I gave up trying to analyse my fil's behaviour a long time ago and just accepted he acted like a spoilt twat simply because mil let him.

He sounds like a cunt and a mindfuck. If you stay with him do the bleeding minimum because he is a selfish twat. I would leave.

I have no idea why you got such a hard time last night. He sounds absolutely horrible. You can't get it right no matter what you do, it's just so cruel. I hope you think about leaving him. You deserve better.

He sounds awful. What does he bring to the table? Divorce sounds great. You deserve better. Say 'yes please' and run for the hills. He is awful to you. What happens when h3 starts on the child! Your kid is never going to do anything right.

Oh god, he sounds like SUCH an arsehole. OP, you will never win. Think carefully about whether you want to live this way.

@Soozikinzii I really miss my mum too. And my dad. It doesn't mean you can continually make the life of someone else you're supposed to love a misery.

And saying he was looking fo to having time off wasn't that bad an answer really was it if he works hard all year ?

If you read the OP again, you'll see that she never said there was anything wrong with his answer, she only asked him if there was anything else he was looking forward to as well. What's wrong with that?

He sounds like a gaslighting arsehole and there's absolutely no excuse for him behaving like such a prick. None at all.

I've just re-read some of your updates, talk about a drip feed. Obviously from what you've described later in the thread, he sounds like a complete and utter bullying twat! Why didn't you mention all of this originally as from your OP he just sounded like a man grieving.

From all the updates, I would leave him and plan your own Christmas next year. Your DH just sounds horrible and if he says he won't go to counselling then you don't have too many other options.

I certainly would not want my child witnessing this sort of behaviour towards me from my husband.