Daughter has spoiled Christmas evening and I don't know where to go from here

[anothernamejeeves]

She's 15 and is just beyond spoilt and nasty. I run around after her like mad and try and make Christmas a happy time for her and my other two.
She was sat in the living room playing a video really loud. I told her I wanted to sit and watch tv in peace and asked her to either put headphones in or go upstairs. She gave me a complete gobful saying I always spoil Christmas and called me a slag
I really don't know where to go from here I'm utterly appalled

I have a 16 year old, and a 14 year old.

They can be the most self absorbed, entitled and arrogant beings on the Earth. If we're not very careful, we do find that we watch nothing but what they want to watch. They do make it very clear how long suffering they are if they are forced to endure something we want to watch, that they don't wish to!

We therefore ensure this happens reasonably often just so they don't get it reinforced that everything has to be what they want it to be.

And um, it wouldn't cross their minds to call me names, or swear at me, because they know it's a safe bet that I would make their lives so miserable afterwards that it wouldn't be funny. Because I can. And they know that.

In turn, I would never call them names. I expect to be treated as I require myself to treat other people.

Oh, and I'm nowhere near a perfect parent, and my God have we had our moments. I really feel your pain OP.

Sometimes they're a bit like a horse bolting in the paddock, before you and they know it, they've jumped the bloody fence, everything is going totally pear shaped, and you're looking at the horse, and the horse is looking back from almost ending up on the motorway, and you're both thinking - WTF just happened there?! And how the hell do I sort this mess out?!

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer ah I respect all you have said, I have a DD17 and I have a great relationship with her because we talk things through and have a mutual respect. However there has been the odd occasion that I have confiscated her phone. In this case I would see this as completely justified. The way OP has been spoken to is appalling

@ShawshanksRedemption Yes, you do sound smug to be honest. Not a great trait.

I have one quite stroppy teen and one who is pretty good most of time. Rarely rude but they have their moments. I'm under no illusions that they could get a lot worse any time, even though we 'do all the right things'. Basically we just try our best but just as there's no such thing as a perfect child - there's certainly no such thing as a perfect parent either. Even those who think they are.

Told my kids I was having their phones at family Boxing Day get together with the view they could have them towards the end after socialising.

See, I don't really understand this approach. Why would you tell your kids that you were "having" their phones, instead of simply asking them to please socialise nicely. It doesn't exactly give them the message that you trust them to behave like decent people.

If you treat your teenage children like tiny children who are incapable of any self-discipline or doing the right thing by themselves, then surely it isn't surprising if they then behave like tiny children who are incapable of any self-discipline or doing the right thing by themselves.

If you treat them like decent, reasonable people on the verge of adulthood, then they are more likely to behave in line with those expectations.

I don't understand how your dd would even think she could get away with talking to you like that. None of my teenage dcs would dare call me that and they aren't angels but they know their boundaries. Any rudeness is followed by an apology if not straight away then not long after. That's because if I have been unreasonably short with them I have apologised. You reap what you sow.

"Yes we chose to have them and have made a fuck load of sacrifices by doing so."

But OP, your daughter didn't ask you to make those sacrifices. You are asking a lot if you expect her to understand or be grateful for that. Very few teenagers understand sacrifice at all but especially not parental sacrifice. Even in my 30s, I sometimes find it hard to be grateful to my parents.

"You reap what you sow"... Well quite.

As for "I told my kids I was having having their phones"... Why do people choose to communicate like that? Sometimes people choose to phrase things in such deliberately and unnecessarily antagonistic ways, and you can't help wondering what on earth they were thinking...

Hopefully things have calmed down now. You need to talk about it and set boundaries so it doesn't happen again.

They do at times ..I have a teenager male..had more than most kids belive me..he gets some great ways..but when that mood hits him all hell breaks loose..I love him to bits..really I do t take his mood swings to seriously..I go with the flow..stay calm..and in five minutes it all over..just relax enjoy your children because no matter what they say or do at the end of the day you still love them..merry Christmas

“Reap what you sow” Another hugely smug and incorrect statement. The vast maj of teenagers can be unreasonable and rude at times. They don’t come pre packaged as perfect adults. They are finding their way, changing from child to adult, frustrated, sometimes struggling, dealing with hormones...... and frankly most parents of teens I know deserve a medal for their patience.Within families they can differ hugely. Saying stroppy rude behaviour is the fault of parents is excusing it.

And re the phones actually I had spoken to them quite calmly and politely saying it was a time to socialise, grandparents had worked hard etc. I said it wasn’t a time for phones so we should all leave them at home. I don’t think it’s healthy to constantly carry them around and like most teens mine are crap as regards self discipline with them.They’d had plenty of screen time over the holiday to chill but need help in doing the right thing as regards when they are appropriate. Like many teens mine are far to device reliant and 3 are hard to keep check on in a social situation.

I wished to avoid rows if they were snuck out and used during the afternoon when bored instead of making an effort to be present and talk to those they don’t see enough. The horror at leaving them was met with a choice. I’ll have them so you can have some time at the very end or you leave them. 2 seemed to think that was reasonable 1 didn’t and refused very rudely.She took her phone out during the meal then lay on the sofa with it the entire time. Rude. She had it taken off her on our return reluctantly after we pointed out that we pay her contract and would end it the next day as she clearly isn’t old enough for one if she can’t be prized off the damn thing for an afternoon. She then spent a very bored evening on our return without it whilst he’d brothers had chill time on their devices.

No idea if this is the correct way to manage things as re managing teens you get very little advice or support. I handled it the best I can. All teens need to realise they aren’t the most important human in the planet. Until somebody wants to provide me with a free how to handle your teenagers course I’ll continue to muddle my way through.Pretty sure we’ll get there and I’ll have 3 decent human beings at the end.

too

Why has your DH tried to take the phone but to no avail? Why are you allowing her to dictate the situation? I work with teenagers and yes they get stroppy but it sounds like your daughter might have got away with a little too much for far too long.

If a teenager refuses to hand its phone over how exactly do you force them? Wrestle them to the ground?

If a teenager refuses to hand its phone over how exactly do you force them? Wrestle them to the ground?

Cancel the contract? Simple. Sadly as it is, sometimes the only way you can show an entitled teenager that they are not in charge is to ensure they know you have the power to stop paying for their whims.

Wow every time?

Whose to say the op hasn’t done that?

So much judging and smuggery from teen experts on this thread. Who knew raising teens was so simple and easy.

@Notenoughbookshelves what you seem to be failing to realise though is that you’re not raising teens. You are raising the same child you’ve (usually) had since birth. Of course they don’t come “pre packaged as perfect adults” but neither are they dropped on you as stroppy 14 year olds. If you haven’t managed to instil some sense of good behaviour by the time they are teenagers, then it’s a bit late to start moaning about it.

It’s always the fucking same on here. People ask for parenting advice, yet anyone who dares to give any is “smug” and a “perfect parent”. No, maybe we are just better than you at it. Lots of people are better than me at lots of things and I accept that. I don’t bitch about them being fucking smug.

That’s rubbish.

Like many of my friends we had perfectly manageable, polite,delightful children pre teens. Easy toddlers, great tweens etc.Post 13th birthday they morph into grunting,anti social, sullen teens who take their turn to push and jump over boundaries. Many with dc older reassure us with “you get them back”. My 3 take turns in being delightful and foul. None are foul or delightful all the time but often the two extremes at different times as is often the way with teens.

Due to the lack of free or available advice from actual teen experts we muddle our way through.

And as for we’re better than you at it. who knew it was a competition and that teens, personalities and circumstances were all exactly the same.

I’m no expert but I do know that proclaiming yourself as superior on the parenting front can often lead to a mighty fall.

We do a pretty good job over all. Like the vast maj or parents we do our best, muddle through, experience peaks and troughs and expect to come out the other end reasonably unscathed. We’re there, incredibly supportive, listen and try our best to teach good life skills and raise decent human beings- it is a work in progress as it is with adults too. We screw up at times, learn from it, move on. No parent is perfect, not one.

What absolute bollocks some people are spouting on here. I raised lovely, olite, kind children. One of them got through the teen years fairly breezily; the other was very hard work. Maybe I was a good parent then suddenly forgot how to do it? Teenage moods have little to do with 'better than you ' parenting, although the way parents choose to deal with those moods can vary.

Better than you?

Wow!

How are you feeling op now?

How did you punish her in the end? Has she apologised yet?

Phone is gone grounded and no she hasn't apologised.
I'm not planning on doing any washing for her

We have a very challenging teenager. We’ve been told by the school that we do all the right things in parenting (I think this is untrue as I feel constant guilt at every mistake but just to illustrate that we clearly pass as adequate parents!) and we’ve sought lots of extra advice and input. It’s just very difficult.

Going out for a rare dinner with grandparents recently I said that phones were being left at home - this is for one dinner, probably a two hour period max - and was told that wouldn’t be happening. DH then backed me up and teen then refused to come. Grandparent persuasion got us all out of the door. I can assure you that parental tone was polite throughout. If the phone is present, teen is staring at it, without exception, and I wanted just one meal with the family where that didn’t happen. I genuinely wish we could get rid of all screens, however much I’d suffer myself!