Daughter has spoiled Christmas evening and I don't know where to go from here

[anothernamejeeves]

She's 15 and is just beyond spoilt and nasty. I run around after her like mad and try and make Christmas a happy time for her and my other two.
She was sat in the living room playing a video really loud. I told her I wanted to sit and watch tv in peace and asked her to either put headphones in or go upstairs. She gave me a complete gobful saying I always spoil Christmas and called me a slag
I really don't know where to go from here I'm utterly appalled

Agree with you @BackforGood - we have the same thing here. I've had my parents visit today and both teens have been present, checking their grandparents have a drink, asking if I need help in the kitchen, helped set and clear the table without asking. DC even baked a cake this afternoon for dessert (they had asked me for the ingredients when I went shopping).

This hasn't happened by accident, this was a result of hard work at parenting and modelling behaviour I want them to have. And communication at all times, listening to each other. It's not perfect, not by a long chalk, it's bloody hard work! But it pays off.

So OP, are you OK, because you don't sound OK? You sound angry, resentful, and tired, and when you feel like that, it's sometimes impossible to handle things that then blow up out of proportion.

What do you actually think taking her phone off her will achieve? I mean sure it will punish her (she’s upset you, now you get to upset her?) It’ll certainly increase the levels of conflict in the house. But will it get to the bottom of why she said what she did? Will it encourage her to reflect on her behaviour? Will it improve relationships going forward? I just don’t think punitive punishments works for —any age— almost adults. Communication is what works. (And yes I do have teens.)

Am I okay?
No actually, I've never felt so low

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer surely it has to be a combination of both?

Sorry OP. Sending hugs and energy.

You know, I have two teen girls. One can be a nightmare, this is why I don’t get smug about the behaviour of the other one. Despite “hard work at parenting and modelling behaviour...blah blah!”

I'm actually astonished at how much grief the OP is getting.

It is absolutely unacceptable for a teen to speak to their parent like this. Expecting phone to be watched/listened to with headphones is completely reasonable. I honestly can't understand why anybody would think this wasn't a reasonable request.

If either of mine had spoken to me like that, they'd first be sent to their room and then made to have a reasonable conversation, including a gracious apology, later. If this didn't happen, they'd be staying in their room to stew until it did happen.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie she's getting grief because the apple doesn't seem to have fallen far from the tree in terms of throwing insults at your nearest and dearest and generally squaring up instead of having a normal conversation.

Most of all for the absolute lack of awareness of the irony inherent in complaining that her own child is spoilt!

Perhaps you're reading a different thread than I am. I've been reading about an OP who made a reasonable request and seems very hurt by an OTT and unreasonable reaction to that request.

I have been there op and my advice to my younger self would be to see beneath the attitude. In the moment I always felt completely fried, but know (and knew) the acting out was usually a mask for something else. Really hard to say and do nothing (and not PUNISH) but worth trying to catch hold of what it is really about.

Well op we had a similar scenario today so feel your pain even more now. Told my kids I was having their phones at family Boxing Day get together with the view they could have them towards the end after socialising.Dd 15 refused to hand her phone over with a load of rudeness. Sat all day on it( rude). Dh and I had a loud hissy conversation outside re strategies whilst my sisters’s kids were all impeccably behaved inside.Don’t think it’s my shit parenting as 2 X16 did as they were told and socialised beautifully also I generally try my best.My dd is going through a shitty time. However she will have her punishment tomorrow because I won’t be spoken to like that and she needs to know it’s rude.

Don’t feel bad op,the teen years are hard. You aren’t going to get through them without some mishaps. You can only try your best, learn from mishaps and move forwards.Looking on the bright side Xmas is over,there is a full bottle of gin to get through and a fridge full of cheese and left overs.Cheers!

Shawshank you do sound a little smug.

Also to the pp since when do perfect parents have to continue their perfection on MN. I say all sorts I never woukd in front of the dc. We resort to MN to let off steam don’t we?

How has she been today op has she apologised?

Hmmmm, so they're not your children? How long have you been a family. Whose house is it? As in, did you move into the house they formerly shared etc? That can change a step dynamic.

@jelly79 I’m good with natural consequences, but I honestly don’t dish out punishments. I grew up in a house where issues were dealt with at the tops of voices, I went right off the rails at 15 (self esteem in the toilet, unsuitable boyfriends, drinking, drugs, teenage pregnancy..) My children’s early years, I did what I knew, and it wasn’t pleasant. My marriage broke up at the tops of our voices too. And then I started over with my boys, and I wanted something different. I mess up; I admit it. But I don’t see what will be achieved for op if she digs her heels in here with a harsh punishment. I said it up thread, the dd was totally out of order, I’d hate to be called that. But op asked “what next?” and that’s what I’m answering.

Where are you getting they aren't my children? I mean my husband is the father

Some of these responses are so bizarre. I have teenagers myself and if my DD called me a slag, I would not be responsible for my actions.

And if I want to watch tv in my own home, I wouldn't be tip toeing round my kids if they had something blaring out in the room I wanted to be in. I would just say ' turn that off please or go elsewhere to watch it' and that's something I say a lot. They just do what they've been told?

OP - is this a normal pattern of behaviour for your Daughter? Or has it got worse since hormones started raging?
She obviously has a lack of respect for you so you need to put in place boundaries and changes to start addressing it? A suitable punishment also needs to be given

It is never late to start educating a child. Stop doing everything you would normally do for her for a week (yeah, feed her but do not give her any allowance, wash her clothes or give her lifts, just ignore her and remind her that after 16 you can legally put her out on the street and stop providing for her)

DS muttered under his breath “bitch” ONCE, I can assure you he lived to regret it. People often mentions about how considerate he is towards me. I am very considerate towards him but I do NEVER allow him to walk over me.

I have teenagers myself and if my DD called me a slag, I would not be responsible for my actions.

Well you would be responsible, it's called being an adult.

please tell me youv spoken to her since last night?

But why in earth is it even possible for this 15 year old to call her own mother a slag?

Why a slag, of all the completely bizarre insults?

The OP's responses are so limited as to be completely weird, and she hasn't once addressed the double standard of protesting that she spoils her daughter and is angry that she's spoilt...

Because she hears the term spoken at school, thinks it’s clever and will shock.

Where has op said she’s spoilt?

"She's 15 and is beyond spoilt and nasty. I run around after her like mad.." The first words of the opening post.

@Notenoughbookshelves I suppose some might see my posts as smug, that's not my intention at all though, sorry if it's come across like that. But I have seen how some parents treat their kids and it's not great tbh, and it's really no surprise when we then see some choice behaviour from their kids in school.

@anothernamejeeves, what's behind all this? You're feeling low, is it just your DD's attitude to you that's brought this feeling on? Or is there other stuff going on? Is she in her GCSE year and doing mocks? Maybe there is other stuff going on that isn't helping you or her communicate well?

You don't have to tell us here if you don't feel comfortable, but do you have someone in real life to talk it through with? Are you getting support for your own feelings?