Daughter has spoiled Christmas evening and I don't know where to go from here

[anothernamejeeves]

She's 15 and is just beyond spoilt and nasty. I run around after her like mad and try and make Christmas a happy time for her and my other two.
She was sat in the living room playing a video really loud. I told her I wanted to sit and watch tv in peace and asked her to either put headphones in or go upstairs. She gave me a complete gobful saying I always spoil Christmas and called me a slag
I really don't know where to go from here I'm utterly appalled

Absolutely Alexa. I have two teens who wouldn’t call me a name like that. Not because I would ground them / confiscate this / switch off that, but because they love and respect me, and we don’t speak to each like that. I’ve tried really hard over the last few years to cultivate an atmosphere of conversation not confrontation. Sometimes it goes wrong, someone loses their temper, and someone else bears the brunt of it. (I’m guilty too.. I was feeling pants last week and overreacted about ds2’s bedroom.) But we talk it through, apologise, and give each other the grace we’d want if we were the one who got it wrong.
And my teens are definitely not entitled!

I am also going through absolute shit with my Ds14 atm so I can fully sympathise.

When I was about 13/14, I also called my Mum a Slag in anger. I have never forgot (i'm 27 now) and have repeated this story many times to people in RL.

After shouting that word at her, my own DM ignored me for an entire week. She would cook for me, iron my school clothes-never made eye contact or acknowledged my apologies, desperate pleas etc. After about a week she cracked and royally bollocked me for what I said. As an adult, I often think of this and waiver between thinking her punishment was harsh and cruel-Then I remember I never, ever said that word to her, or anyone again.

Oh, typo-I'm 37 not 27 (I wish!)

On the other hand some of us have never called anyone a slag in the first place. Children perform the behaviour modelled to them for the most part, and modelling a conflict footing then punishing for participating is not only hypocritical but less effective.

I hate this attitude of 'my house my rules' you chose to have them and share your space with them.
I would be appalled if my teens spoke to me that way I have no idea why people think it's normal teen behaviour but agree with pp respect breeds respect

Yes we chose to have them and have made a fuck load of sacrifices by doing so. That does not mean parents should be at the mercy of their overgrown spoilt kids swearing at them over a reasonable request

Notice how you havent actually answered any questions.

It appears you just want people to agree jow rotten your dd is

The thing is, OP, if your dd is spoilt, how did she get to be that way? What was it in her upbringing that resulted in such a lack of respect for her parents?

Her behaviour was unacceptable for sure, but as other posters have said, stuff like that doesn't just come out of nowhere. If you want things to be different going forwards, perhaps you need to think about what to do differently yourself?

My mother would have given her a good crack for that !

What exactly are you doing about it op?

anothernamejeeves if she's spoilt, who spoilt her?

Where's she seeing anger and conflict and competition for dominance modelled? Where's the child you refer to as "nasty and spoilt" seeing contempt for and personal insults towards your nearest and dearest modelled?

Do you expect endless gratitude for the"fuck ton of sacrifices" and "running around after her madly"? Do you see her as an incredible human being you had a hand in creating and launching into the world as an adult very soon, or as a child who owes you obedience and gratitude for spoiling her?

OP is your DH this DD's Dad?

If not then are your younger DD your DH's?

It seems like there are some dynamics that need to be addressed here somehow, as well the anger you have towards your DD.

Do you ever call her the things she calls you btw?

With the language you are using, OP, I'm not sure you can complain about the language your teen used . No, it's not acceptable in my world to call someone a slag, but then the language you've used in several posts isn't acceptable either.

@feelingverylazytoday. Maybe 'negotiate' isn't quite the right word, but yes, I totally believe that my house is also my dcs' home also. My dc can say to me "Can I have my mates round for a film marathon this weekend" or my dh can say "I've got so and so coming round for a meeting on Thursday" or I can say "I need the lounge on Tuesday as X is coming over" or other dc will say "Can Y come and stay for the weekend" or other dc can say "Can I book the kitchen on Friday, I want to cook ....." etc.
It is part of living as one of 5 people in a home together. Sometimes someone wants to use a space and, if it is important it is at a certain time, then they mention it to others in advance.
That's nothing to do with anyone dictating to anyone else, it is all of us being considerate and respecting the fact that, without mentioning it to each other each of us isn't going to happen to magically know that the others need one part of the house for solo use at any particular time.

Also OP where were you and what had you been doing and for how long before going into the living room where she was watching a programme on her own.

Can't wait for DD to go back to Uni? The entitlement, the laziness, the filth, the boyfriend.

Anyone else feel like this?

Sorry, was trying to start a new thread.

You're daughter is being vile and you are not in the wrong at all. It's why there are so many are self entitled arseholes out there (my daughter being one of them) that so many people think you are in the wrong and the poor inconsiderate sod shouldn't have to actually thin about anyone else but herself.

You do keep calling her spoilt without a moment's reflection on who spoilt her!!

@Notenoughbookshelves reread my post at no point do I speak to the OP it is directed to another poster who suggested that everyone who is responding and are talking of consequences does not have teenagers themselves.

@anothernamejeeves
Well, to be honest you seem pretty fond of a swear word yourself, and your attititude definately leans towards the aggressive. Perhaps this is where your 'spoilt' dd is learning her communication style from?

The kids are all my husbands

I may of missed the answer to this, but what did you do after she called you a Slag??

Made her go to her room

I have asked DH to get her phone off her but no avail

@anothernamejeeves as in he won't asked for it or she won't hand it over?

Dunno how some of you brought up your kids but it is NOT normal teenage behaviour .

As for "Christmas day the kids choose what to watch" from some PP , what a load of spoiled bollocks.

If her phone is her most used possession it would be coming straight out of her hands, no messing. Calmly tell her exactly why and that it wouldn't be returned for a week and if there were any protests it would add a day on each time.

It might be harsh but calling your parent a slag is on another level. Time to get tough and teach her actions have consequences.