Daughter has spoiled Christmas evening and I don't know where to go from here

[anothernamejeeves]

She's 15 and is just beyond spoilt and nasty. I run around after her like mad and try and make Christmas a happy time for her and my other two.
She was sat in the living room playing a video really loud. I told her I wanted to sit and watch tv in peace and asked her to either put headphones in or go upstairs. She gave me a complete gobful saying I always spoil Christmas and called me a slag
I really don't know where to go from here I'm utterly appalled

DD was way out of line. The 'slag' comment wants discussion at a calm moment. She could be asked to explain to you what 'slag' means and then to say why she applied the word to you, the person who loves her more than practically anyone on earth.

It would be worth asking her where she has heard this word, whether anyone has called her this and how she felt if so, and what she did about it, and why she didn't tell you at the time. She needs to understand that 'slag' is hate speech against women and as a young woman she doesn't need to buy into hateful, harmful attitudes to her own sex.

Then ask her to think about what you have done and do and provide for her (and what she hopes you will continue to do!) and about how we speak to people we love.

Finally, she needs to be clear on consequences if she ever calls you vile names (misogynistic or not) again. I suggest buying her a basic brick burner PAYG phone for emergency communication while her whizzy phone is switched off and locked away for a length of time determined by you: one week would make her think; two for a second offence and a month for a third. Any more and the brick is it until she can afford her own.

You actually have all the power here, OP, you just need to wield it wisely and lovingly.

@gingersausage the lack of empathy and understanding you display on this thread pretty much lets me see that you will most certainly not be 'better' at parenting than me, or many other parents that I know. I find that those two traits are very much needed when dealing with teens. I work with teens too.

My DCs are fantastic young people, not perfect, but then nor am I. We manage through these difficult years together. I wonder if your DCs think you're quite the Parent of the Year that you seem to consider yourself to be ...

Great post @NearlyGranny.

I have teens. I have never 'run around after them' like a slave because I would lose respect for myself and they most certainly would.

Teens soon become adults. Adults usually have to pick up after themselves. You do a teen no favours by failing to train them to care for themselves, their home, their loved ones. If they are used to being waited on by slave parents then a change will most likely be met with fury and despair: doesn't make it wrong though.

Don’t forget that teenagers have hormones racing through them. Sometimes they don’t know themselves why they behave the way they do.
Not making excuses for bad behaviour.

Don’t forget that teenagers have hormones racing through them. Sometimes they don’t know themselves why they behave the way they do.

I've got a really good example of that. My intelligent, normally very sensible (for her age) 16 year old the other day, had her phone balanced on the railing at the top of the stairs. Father said, 'careful there, it could tip over and fall down', she looked straight at him, and then pushed it over!

It could have gone either way, but DH just looked at her, and said, 'what the hell did you do that for?!'.

She looked flummoxed, and then replied, 'I honestly don't know'. . .

Good thing the phone was undamaged. I came out to find them both laughing their heads off. . .

The thing is, teenagers aren't suddenly parachuted in your life. Presumably you have spent the previous twelve years raising them beforehand. Boundaries, standards and expected levels of behaviour should have become ingrained long before they reach their teenage years.

PeaceandDove - That really has nothing to do with anything.

Even very nicely brought up children can be bloody horrible teenagers sometimes.

@AlaskaElfForGin I might have a “lack of empathy and understanding” but I’ve managed to raise two reasonably well adjusted, hard working happy children to adulthood. However shite I am at parenting, I’ve never been called a slag or told to fuck off or had Christmas “ruined” by my teens, and if I tell them to put their phone away they bloody well do it. 🤷‍♀️

Do you not read posts Peace. As I said everything was ingrained in my dc who were all pretty easy pre teen years.

Ginger I fail to believe in all your years of parenting your kids weren’t truly awful at any time.

Had a lovely day with my dd after yesterday. Zero screens, walk, chores with dad and curled up watching old movies together. Peaks and troughs.

I've also never been called a slag or been sworn at by my children, or had Christmas ruined by them, and have managed to raise two relatively well adjusted young adults. However, that isn't because I'm somehow super-mother. And it doesn't mean things have all been a bed of roses all the way. It's ridiculous to assume otherwise.

For all those chiming in with parenting advice - parenting one teenager is not like parenting another apparently identical teenager.

I've had five. Three girls, two boys. All parented identically, by me as a single mum. Two were AWFUL teenagers, one was so-so, two were fabulous. One of the fabulous ones is ADD, so had more challenges than most, but they were all spoken to in the same way, confronted in the same way; it was purely up to their own temperamental make up how they 'teenaged'. One couldn't stand any form of being told what to do and would deliberately contradict me on every single thing. The other terrible teenager was defiant and would call me every name under the sun, whilst the others watched, aghast.

So it's not always your brilliant parenting that means your kids sail through the teenage years. Like with babies, some are easy, some are hard work and some are incredibly difficult.

Of course my kids were awful at times. I also wasn’t actually saying I was better than anyone else 🙄. It was tongue in check ffs because I’m sick of the accusations of smuggery

but I’ve managed to raise two reasonably well adjusted, hard working happy children to adulthood. However shite I am at parenting, I’ve never been called a slag or told to fuck off or had Christmas “ruined” by my teens, and if I tell them to put their phone away they bloody well do it.

Likewise @Gingersausage. I never, at any point, said you were a 'crap parent'. You are the one who said maybe we are just better than you at it so clearly you don't think that you are a crap parent, and I'm sure you're not. There's a way of giving advice without making it sound superior.

Ignore all the eejitts on this thread - you did the right thing - she deserves no mob etc etc for a week at least for calling you that and talking to you disrespectfully. Particularly ignore ".........was minding my own business, PEACEFULLY watching a video.........." Also your daughter doesn't "run the house" you adults do, so she needs to be reminded....

@anothernamejeeves well that’s a hell of a drip feed isn’t it! You posted this thread and then didn’t bother to acknowledge any of the advice people were giving you. You didn’t bother to answer most of the questions people who were genuinely trying to help you asked. Every time you’ve posted, you’ve just proved that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree with your poor daughter.

My posts weren’t aimed at you, because I’d (rightly) guessed that you are just rude. I’m just fed up of anyone who dares to have behaviour standards being called smug.

Who says posters criticising you haven’t got behaviour standards.The op herself clearly has behaviour standards hence her thread. Smuggery is smuggery. You didn’t give advice but just berated whilst extolling you’re own virtues as a mother and making accusations such as having zero accusations from birth that you simply can’t make having never even met the op let alone been there from her child’s birth.

Op was asking for help. Most mothers struggle and need help at times. You were smug and frankly unpleasant. You got called out on it.

Your

Op was asking for help. Most mothers struggle and need help at times. You were smug and frankly unpleasant. You got called out on it.

Exactly this @gingersausage.

I, and I suspect most of the people on this thread, have high 'behaviour standards' as you put it. Sometimes I get this parenting business spot on, sometimes I make mistakes and get it wrong. That's not because I don't have 'behaviour standards', it's because I'm human and make mistakes. I do the very best I can and most of the time I do OK with my teens, but I'm under no illusion that I'm some sort of parenting guru.

You've not come across well on this thread at all and sometimes it's best to acknowledge when we don't get something quite right. The OP was clearly distressed and needed helpful advice on what she can do, not a lecture on how someone else does so it much better.

However, you seem to think you're a better parent than most - you pretty much said so yourself upthread.

@Zaphodsotherhead great post. It’s the defiant /contradictory teens that are the hardest, that don’t seem to respond well to firm boundaries and consequences- how did you get them through it?

So I’ve been told by the OP to “shove it where the son (sic) don’t shine” and yet I’m the only unpleasant one. The OP is still getting head-pats and sympathy. Says it all really 🙄.

You were really unpleasant to her when she was incredibly low.What do you expect? Wasn’t your ideology you reap what you sow?