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Original poster

Daughter has spoiled Christmas evening and I don't know where to go from here

281 replies

anothernamejeeves · 25/12/2019 21:39

She's 15 and is just beyond spoilt and nasty. I run around after her like mad and try and make Christmas a happy time for her and my other two.
She was sat in the living room playing a video really loud. I told her I wanted to sit and watch tv in peace and asked her to either put headphones in or go upstairs. She gave me a complete gobful saying I always spoil Christmas and called me a slag
I really don't know where to go from here I'm utterly appalled

OP posts:
kateandme · 26/12/2019 05:39

im not saying your were wrong.
but one thing i dont agree on is the its our morgage our house.she cant pay your morgage and i dont like it when people put this on the kids.you had a child so its her home too.hearing that crap from a parent over and over really makes them feel unwelcome.trust me ive seen it happen.
plus you do sound like generally your feeling the pressure of her current teenage beahviour.and god dont we all know how shitty that can be.but it might be clouding your reacctions in ways you either dont notice or cant help.so she might be feeling that building against her too.and with her hormones that will be even worse.
so i dont think your wrong.but i dont think she was entirely either.
though its never acceptable to call you that and you need to talk that through with her.she needs to say sorry.

PlumsGalore · 26/12/2019 05:45

I’ve had teenagers and yanbu. The only way I found to make a difference was withdrawing phones and holding back money. I’ve never been called slag though, at least not to my face.

billybagpuss · 26/12/2019 06:26

I don’t understand why so many people think it’s ok to have the sound on a mobile device in a shared space.

I guess I’m the weird one, but tv ok, it’s in the corner, it’s a better quality sound and everyone can watch it. Mobile device playing aloud in a shared space is just rude.

The rules here are mobile device either apologise if it’s very short and let everyone see, headphones or bugger off to your own space, the house is plenty big enough.

BillywilliamV · 26/12/2019 06:43

Nothing makes a difference, ignore, de-escalate move on!
She may apologise, she may not, but she will grow out of it!

smemorata · 26/12/2019 06:52

My 15 year old ds told me to fuck off last night so I feel your pain. He did apologise but I was really shocked as it is not like him.

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2019 07:15

You didn't do anything wrong OP and you sound as if you were perfectly reasonable.

My DD(14) watches ridiculous YouTube videos and I often tell her to put her earphones in or go to another room because it's bloody annoying to listen to.

Teenagers can be vile at times - yes looking at you DS(19) - but from my experience, often say things in the heat of the moment without thinking it through what they're actually saying. That doesn't make it ok or acceptable but maybe sit her down today and talk it through.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/12/2019 07:29

how dare the people who pay the fucking mortgage want to watch one tv programme all day without being drowned out by their teenagers music

Well this response to me says a lot about you. Scratch the surface and it’s “fucking” this and that and yet you are “utterly appalled” by “slag”??
I now 100% think you did not reasonably request your 15yr old about watching a TV show with an attitude like that! You probably stomped in there and demanded she “fucking put headphones in or get the fuck out of MY living room because I want to watch MY TV under MY roof what I pay the fucking mortgage on” and her then calling you a slag, doesn’t seem so strange in a household where the word “fucking” seems to be the go to response to any disagreement with you. Your 15yr old is reflecting your own behaviour back at you.

One rule OP. You have to give respect to get respect. You want your teens to treat you respectfully? Then maybe treat them with respect. They are full human beings and persons, only less experienced than adults. Your house is their home too. They are not small children anymore. You have to change your relationship to them if you are going to survive the teen years. And I say this as a mother with both teens and adult children. You have to give respect to get respect.

justcly · 26/12/2019 07:36

@PlanDeRaccordement

Well, you sound fun!

StarlingsInSummer · 26/12/2019 07:37

We only have one tv, in the living room. So watching the tv in the living room trumps anyone else watching something on a device in there. Because a device can be watched in any other room in the house.

This. And also, watching videos on a phone or tablet is a very solitary thing to do, in that no-one can share the activity - if you’re in a room with someone watching a video on a phone, you can hear in but not see it. It’s distracting and annoying for other people, as it can’t be shared. Putting the TV on is more of a communal activity.

I often think my generation of parents were shafted both ways. When we were children, our parents ruled the roost completely, as their parents had done, and their parents before them. But now we have children, it’s all child-centred, “it’s a family democracy”. So when we were teens, we were expected to share in a communal activity in the living room, or go to our own rooms if we wanted to do something antisocial. And now we’re expected to allow our children to dictate what they want to do in the shared family space, and we have to put up with it.

StarlingsInSummer · 26/12/2019 07:38

Wow @PlanDeRaccordement, that’s quite the... um... imagination you have there!

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 26/12/2019 07:54

Good point though

You give respect to get respect

I cannot understand the "running around her" (trying to please her?) whilst simultaneously grudging about the mortgage... Maybe you send a very confusing message to her?

gingersausage · 26/12/2019 08:02

As I said on another similar thread yesterday, she didn’t suddenly develop this behaviour. You can’t suddenly decide your 15 year old needs parenting. It needs to start at birth. Too many people fanny about being “friends” with their children and reasoning with them and explaining stuff and then their only line of defence is taking bloody “screens” away 🙄.

If that’s literally the only way you can discipline your children, then they spend far too long on them, however much you protest to the contrary. If you have zero expectations of good behaviour from when they are tiny, then they will happily oblige, but then you can’t start whining when you’ve got a 6’ yob telling you to fuck off in your own house 🤷‍♀️.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 26/12/2019 08:05

Hi OP..not sure what I would have done in your situation so I won't offer any advice! What I can say is I was totally wild and selfish at 15 ,,I knew it all and I was bloody marvellous and expected everyone to agree and worship the ground I walked on! However I knew not one foot of the way,I was a nightmare,of course I know that now but back then ugh! I am nearly 50 now and my DM is in her 70s..even now though I would never have dared call her such a name...good grief the consequences don;t bear thinking about!Although I was wild and bloody awful back then as were most of my friends,like me your dd will learn.so please do not give up hope!!It took a while,lots of slamming doors lots of sulking but it passes...if that gives you any comfort? I hope it does.By 17 me and my mum were best friends and still are...I was ruined,over indulged and horribly spoilt and I thanked both my parents by being a right madam ...I was the one who out of all my friends had the least to kick off about...we had a home full of love.respect and everything we could have possibly wanted but I was on a rebellious course and for a couple of years I made the most of it!! I was awful...I am not now and I see it but I am harder on my kids,I have rules and I have one major one that I stick to and its we talk not shout in this house and if any of us are upset we sit down and thrash it out there and then and resolve and move on.It makes for a happier house here. I am grateful my parents didnt give up on me but they easily could have and I wouldnt have blamed them. Sit down with her today and just explain how upset you were with her behaviour ..bet she is mortified now she has had the time to think about it...accept her apology and see if you can both move on after a cuppa and a cuddle...no need for punishment the sheer weight of disappointment might do more than any wifi change ever could!

lowlandLucky · 26/12/2019 08:06

I have had 3 teens of my own and SC who were teens, thankfully 4 of them were boys. Girls are cows and the more you do for them the worse they are. Change the WiFi and change your attitude, stop spoiling her and stop running around after her and dont give her a penny. One day you will like her again and one day she will like you again.Choose your battles

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 26/12/2019 08:08

And if you'd post this in the teens section, OP, you would not get so many replies from parents who do not even have teens Grin (but that does not stop them having all the answers Wink)

Moondancer73 · 26/12/2019 08:14

So why are you spoiling her and running round after her? Sorry but if you do that then the way she speaks to you is hardly surprising. Get some balls and teach her some respect

madcatladyforever · 26/12/2019 08:20

To be fair this is typical teenager behaviour. They have all of us at that age the old farm dinosaurs that we are. My son was utterly utterly vile from 18, girls start earlier, but at 36 he is lovely now.

madcatladyforever · 26/12/2019 08:21

Hate

Aragog · 26/12/2019 08:23

To be fair this is typical teenager behaviour.

I disagree. I don't think it is normal behaviour for a teen to swear at or name call their parents to their face.

It's certainly not acceptable.

Piggywaspushed · 26/12/2019 08:26

I'm with you OP on your annoyance about this situation.

However, you begin by saying she is spoilt. I always find it interesting when parents say this about their own children... stop spoiling her and indulging her? She sounds entitled, really. That's something I often see in teenagers these days who have a lot of material stuff, especially tech. All these different screens in houses have fractured family viewing and reduced togetherness imo, and older generations feel this more at Christmas because we still recall 'Christmas telly' as a thing. However, if we all are happy to put up with everyone watching different things. the one with the portable device has to move . That' simple and your DD will know that, so she is just trying to grab the territory and be deliberately stroppy. A lot of teenagers get quite bored on Christmas Day as their routines change and Christmas isn't really 'for' them. None of that excuses the nasty name calling. It sounds like she s speaking to you like you are one of her peers (sad to say teenagers call each other 'slag [and worse]' all the time. You (and DG) need serious words with her today!

Piggywaspushed · 26/12/2019 08:26

Not DG... DH!

Nousernameforme · 26/12/2019 08:48

@anothernamejeeves

I don't think anyone can actually say you are in the wrong here, you get a lot of people Cough MRA's Cough who come on this site just to poke at women and make them feel shit. They are particularly present at this time of year as they haven't got anything else to do.

I have a teen daughter and they can be dreadfully rude and selfish you have to pull them every time on it.

If you haven't already I would talk to her about it today and say something about how it was unacceptable and if she dares to try it again she will lose her phone. You could get a little basic mobile for about a tenner no internet or camera and she will be using that until her behaviour improves.

JustASmallTownCurl · 26/12/2019 08:50

Re people saying it's normal, my brother was an unbearable gobshite from the age of 12-18. But even he would never, ever, ever have called my mum a "slag". Ever.

And your DH was there. Surely when she called you that the two of you should have been a united front of HOW DARE YOU and consequences.

I'm really angry and also sad for you, I agree you did nothing wrong asking her to put her headphones in.

I think people misunderstood - you were all watching something together but she was also watching her video on another device so loud that it was competing with what everyone else watched. Totally fair to ask her to put her headphones on or watch it somewhere else.

How is she behaving today?

beautifulstranger101 · 26/12/2019 08:53

The fact you run around after her is perhaps a bit of a clue why she's turned out so spoilt. Stop running around after her! She's 15 not 5.
Start imposing some boundaries on her and FGS dont let her talk to you like that- its completely disrespectful. If you dont start laying down some rules, this will get worse and worse.

beautifulstranger101 · 26/12/2019 08:55

To be fair this is typical teenager behaviour no its not.

I would never, ever have called my mum a "slag" at age 15. I would have been grounded for weeks.

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