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Original poster

Daughter has spoiled Christmas evening and I don't know where to go from here

281 replies

anothernamejeeves · 25/12/2019 21:39

She's 15 and is just beyond spoilt and nasty. I run around after her like mad and try and make Christmas a happy time for her and my other two.
She was sat in the living room playing a video really loud. I told her I wanted to sit and watch tv in peace and asked her to either put headphones in or go upstairs. She gave me a complete gobful saying I always spoil Christmas and called me a slag
I really don't know where to go from here I'm utterly appalled

OP posts:
LawnsLT · 26/12/2019 00:08

Your*

BackforGood · 26/12/2019 00:19

From your OP - Why do you "run around after her like mad"?
Why have you spoilt her ?

However, from your later posts, you don't sound like you handle it very well at all. You sound like you demanded the space she was already in.
No, dc don't get to dictate what is watched all day, but there are ways of asking, negotiating, compromising, talking to each other, that - from your own posts - you have admitted you didn't use. Well, I say 'admitted' - it sounds like you think your were 100% entitled and she is completely in the wrong.
The language she used is wrong, but I'd have been miffed if booted out / stopped from what I was watching or doing. Headphones is hardly the same.
In our house (when they were 15) the conversation would have gone something like
"How long until the end of that, as we want to watch X in a bit?"
or
(earlier in the day) "We're really looking forward to watching X at 8pm - you going to watch it with us?" - giving notice of "booking" the TV for that time

At 15, more than likely they would head off to their rooms and will have had enough of spending time together 'as a family' all day, but that is then their choice to, not being kicked out.

PrincessMargaret · 26/12/2019 00:28

Sorry but I don't think you have to be pandered to if in a shared space. If you want to watch videos on your phone, go to your room. There's no booking into be done. This is exactly HOW people get so entitled.

IncrediblySadToo · 26/12/2019 00:29

It's a home a family shares and not a dictatorship where parents rule the roost

Bollocks to that. It’s really not hard to see why we have problems with teens/young adults expecting the world to revolve around them.

Havaina · 26/12/2019 00:53

I run around after her like mad

You reap what you sow I'm afraid.

joystir59 · 26/12/2019 00:58

I'm sorry but for as long as she lives under your roof she obeys your rules, like it or lump it. You need to take back control and change the dynamic of her treating you like a servant

1WayOrAnother · 26/12/2019 01:02

Tell her you expect better & you will always love her. She's 15, she'll grow put of it. You're doing the most difficult job. Hang in there, she'll come right.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 26/12/2019 01:05

Mine have had the tv all day, the only thing I wanted to watch today was the Gavin and Stacey Xmas special which we watched later when my younger 2 And eldest gc (8 , 7&6) went to bed

There is no way would I be putting up with a teenager blaring out stuff on their phone if there was something I wanted to watch. Oldest 2 are 25 and 16

I certainly wouldn't be putting up with one calling me a slag. They'd have no tv, phone, Wi-Fi until they learned to be more respectful

Tartyflette · 26/12/2019 01:07

So - have I got this right? Teenage DD is playing a video in the sitting room really loudly, OP says she wants to watch something on TV and tells DD to put her headphones on or go upstairs if she wants to continue with the video.
At this point, DD goes off on one and is horribly nasty to her DM.
(In fact she had three options, the third being she could have just turned off the video and started watching TV with the others. She didn't need to be 'invited' to watch it with the rest of them, who does that at home, with family? instead she chose to behave appallingly.
I don't see that the OP has done anything wrong at all, she wanted to watch her own TV, in her own living room and gave her DD a choice of what to do. She didn't exclude her, the DD excluded herself.
.

feelingverylazytoday · 26/12/2019 01:08

Backforgood you seriously think parents should have to negotiate with their children to watch TV in their own house? That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read. And yes I have adult children, neither of them would have ever spoken to me or their dad like that.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 26/12/2019 01:15

I cant imagine any of mine xalling me a slag for asking them to wear headphones because I wanted to watch tv and ds1 was an awful teen

You probably need to have a rethink in general about your relationship and her behaviour

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2019 01:44

I have to agree with the posters saying that you can see why some teens are so entitled these days!

Negotiate? No. Ask them to put headphones on, or if they don't want to, to go elsewhere - perfectly acceptable. Totally UNacceptable for teen to have said strop and call her mother names.

Give them all the power in the house? Are you crazy? No. Absolutely not. Jeez.

MalarkeyMouse · 26/12/2019 02:04
Biscuit
Butterymuffin · 26/12/2019 02:10

Don't run around after her tomorrow OP. Pull way back from all that.

Coyoacan · 26/12/2019 02:14

Mumsnet is crazy. Take her phone, computer etc and ground her. If can't speak to people like that

Except that human relations are not a formula, especially when it comes to teens. The behaviour of the dd was bad, but I had a dd who could not be punished out of misbehaviour, I had to use more intelligence (which I didn't always have).

ButterflyBook · 26/12/2019 02:22

oh yeah how dare the people who pay the fucking mortgage want to watch one tv programme all day without being drowned out by their teenagers music

Some of the responses come from people barely out of their teens.
Maybe even mid twenties but living comfortably and cheaply with their parents. I've had those arguments. Their room in a disgusting state, and when asked to tidy it up claim "My room, my mess, my business!" If you point out that it's your house, you pay the mortgage and all the bills and are also a generous source of funding for them (to which they feel they are obvs fully entitled) you are being an abusive overbearing parent. As Judge Judy says, "When you are living in my house I own the air you breathe"

Mine are all mid-thirties now and my youngest dd in particular says it makes her cringe to remember her awful, inconsiderate behaviour.
She sent me a card on mother's day and wrote in it "Thank you so much Mum, for everything you've done for me but most of all, for teaching me how to be kind"

Sit tight and stay resolutely calm. She's just not fully cooked yet.
Sometime in the future, she'll get it, and then you can be friends.

MargotLovedTom1 · 26/12/2019 02:24

Fuck me, I can't imagine me or any of my friends pulling a stunt like that when we were teenagers. Calling our mothers a slag?!?!

I have a 15 year old and she would be blasted it she said that to me, and I can't believe there are people in here excusing this girl's behaviour.

I work in a school and see the consequences of this sort of attitude towards children's behaviour, and it's not pretty.

ButterflyBook · 26/12/2019 02:27

I think being told by your mother to stop making a noise or go upstairs on xmas day is pretty awful

I think that would depend on how much noise you are making and how it's impacting others.

ButterflyBook · 26/12/2019 02:31

Headphones are the norm in our house, adults and teenagers alike I have used them to watch Netflix

Absolutely this. If you want to assault your ears and brain with loud music do it - we have the technology. Just don't inflict it on everyone else.

ButterflyBook · 26/12/2019 02:34

On Christmas Day the kids get to watch whatever they want

Well yeah. If they're 5

ButterflyBook · 26/12/2019 03:05

Yeah, I think anyone suggesting otherwise is doing a windup

Or under 25 and feel fully entitled to call all the shots

selmabear · 26/12/2019 03:20

My mum used to change the wifi password to insulting things directed at myself and my S back when we were disrespectful teenagers. It was once changed to 'freeloaders' 😂 I'd change password on a weekly basis OP and she only gets it when she behaves for the majority of the week. 15 is a tricky age and teenagers will often say and do things they dont mean, I did often, I was an absolute bitch towards my mum, but I grew up and I've never been closer to my mum than what I am now. No one can hurt you more that your own children. It's a slap in the face when they say hurtful things. My ds1 is 8 and he's called me stupid and I'm no longer his friend during his tantrums and I know it's not a patch on what your daughter said to you but it still hurt. Have a heart to heart with your daughter in the morning and start laying down some ground rules. Good luck OP

ButterflyBook · 26/12/2019 03:27

I think you and your DH should go to bed and watch whatever you want in the peace of your bedroom

Not everyone has a TV in their bedroom. We don't have a TV in our bedroom. Our one tv is in our living room, so that's the only place we can watch it.
So listening to loud music has to be relegated to other areas of the house, preferably with headphones if somebody wants to watch the telly

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2019 04:33

That sounds pretty upsetting for you. Does she frequently call you names? My dd is 11. Im not there yet with this level of name calling. However thus far I’ve dealt with nastiness by being disappointed and dd apologises normally. I think just punishing her by removing wifi / devices won’t get the point across about the misogynistic language. I think it’s very important to tackle that.

WatchingTheMoon · 26/12/2019 05:09

@MargotLovedTom1 If I had even thought of calling my mum a slag, I'd be in the ground right now. I don't even think I'm exaggerating.

The whole relationship sounds like it needs a lottt of work.

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