Daughter has spoiled Christmas evening and I don't know where to go from here

[anothernamejeeves]

She's 15 and is just beyond spoilt and nasty. I run around after her like mad and try and make Christmas a happy time for her and my other two.
She was sat in the living room playing a video really loud. I told her I wanted to sit and watch tv in peace and asked her to either put headphones in or go upstairs. She gave me a complete gobful saying I always spoil Christmas and called me a slag
I really don't know where to go from here I'm utterly appalled

I would take the presents she loved the most off her including her phone and tell her she can have them back when she can show some respect and apologise properly. Please don’t let this go or you’ll send her the message that you’ll put up with verbal abuse from her. Take from her what will hit her the most. @YouJustDoYou is completely correct. You are judge and jury in your house. It’s up to you to enforce the standards of what you expect. I am the mother of a teenager and I practice what I preach. She has never been verbally abusive. She is a pain in the arse but not in that way.

Hope today is a better day for you OP.
I find Christmas so claustrophobic and DH and I are heading off for a nice long walk today.
The teens have been invited but no sign of any action from them yet.
Maybe do that? Just get yourself off somewhere in the fresh air.

I would sit down with her and have a conversation as a first step - explain how upset it made you feel that she called you that. It might be that she is very embarrassed and will apologise immediately, in which case you can then decide if you want to punish her.

If she doesn't respond well then you have given her the opportunity to make amends.

You didn’t do anything wrong op.Yes her behaviour was awful, yes the word was appalling,yes we can all say we’d do this, that and the other but the teenager years are quite simply the test to get us through the empty nest years. You navigate them as best you can for all involved including you.I’d put money on her not meaning it and hormones at play.

Today is a new day. Talk quietly somewhere and relaxed re how you love her and how she makes you feel. Managing teens ime is walking a tightrope between walking away from foul behaviour, leaving them to stew and attempting to discipline/ show them the correct path. I have no answers. These are the years you get through intact as best you can.

One of my teens didn’t buy his dad or siblings a Christmas present. I’m saving the lecture for later, he played a family game and spent an afternoon with extended family device free😱 with no whining so trying to focus on that. Will be dragging all my teens out on a wet, windy walk. Expecting full foulness.

If you model an entitled and self-righteous attitude, then that is exactly what you will get back. If, on the other hand, you treat your teenager with respect and consideration, they will probably respond accordingly.

Had you approached this situation in a slightly different way from the outset, the entire confrontation could have been avoided and you could have watched your programme in peace.

You have received lots of validation on this thread from other posters, but if you want things to be different going forward, I would strongly encourage you to reflect on how you are communicating with your dd, because she will take her cues from you.

"To be fair this is typical teenager behaviour"

Calling your mum a slag is NOT typical behaviour fgs.

Nah, you can be as polite, restrained, reasonable and as controlled as you like but teens quite often will respond in exactly the opposite way. Sometimes it bugs them even more.

Pretty sure the op didn’t call her dd a slag and scream “get your arse upstairs”but simply pointed out it was a communal area she was at liberty to carry on listening to music in but having run her arse off for days in the run up to Christmas op wished to sink into the sofa and watch something on tv suggesting she join them or or pop her ear buds in/ escape to her room.

Kevin the teenager makes appearances many a time when not called for.

Today is a new day.

Teenagers losing it and saying ridiculous foul things can be pretty typical. Not nice it ok but doesn’t make them doomed for life or their parents shit

I’ve found that teenagers can be a bit like toddlers in that it tends to be best to give them a bit of notice about what is happening next. They tend to be more agreeable then.

I’m on my third teenager now and they are completely scatty and overpowering at that age. 14/15 is the worse. My dd will be 14 in Jan 😭. On the plus side my eldest two are going to be 22 and 20 this coming year and they are lovely now so the rudeness and chaos does eventually pass.

That said, no child should swear at a parent and call them names and when things are calmer it might be worth bringing it up and explaining how upset that made you feel.

I find it really annoying if people watch stuff on their phones without headphones. I can't share what they are watching but the sound prevents me from watching telly or distracts me if I want to read. It's antisocial. As we only have one room downstairs, everyone else has to listen to something they can't watch. My teens don't do it, they use headphones or go upstairs, but DH does sometimes and it's really annoying.

I'm shocked at the number of posters defending this teen.

The lounge is a shared space. She chose not to share the activity and was then asked to either do her solo activity quietly or to do it elsewhere.

I pay the bills here and therefore if I'm wanting to watch something I'll put it on.
Ds will ask to watch stuff and sometimes ask if I mind watching in my room. Something we can both do as both have TVs in our bedroom.

If he comes in and I'm watching something on tv and sets himself up at table with food and iPad you tube I'll ask him to turn it down if opioid, or use headphones.

I'd be doing a hell of a lot more if he ever called me such a vile name.

If this girl wanted to watch something else she could have asked, compromised and had a conversation. She made the choice to play a video and disturb others.

Stop running around after her. Let her make her own way to things. Don't remind her to strip her bed, put clothes in wash. Don't ask if she needs things like deodorant etc with weekly shop. Let her take responsibility for herself and let her learn to communicate calmly and effectively if she wants things.

Got to love a teenager. I have 2 and an almost 10 year old who thinks he’s one. But there is no chance any of them could/would speak to me like that and get away with it.
If they are on devices in the living Room they have headphones or turn down when asked. I have control of WiFi per device so can control PlayStation/x box phones etc individually.

It’s hard on Christmas Day as you’re trying to have a nice day and you’ve made a lot of effort but at the same time what’s the point in having a nice day and making an effort if your kids expect it, it’s not special, gifts aren’t a surprise or cared for. Spoiling kids is the worst thing you can do, don’t run after them they need to learn responsibility and respect- they will still be teenagers & be stroppy etc but at least they’ll understand you’re not their servant and source of ££/gifts. I hope she apologised to you, and you’ve actually punished her for her behaviour.

And yy to the pp. I have a 15 year old daughter.😩

Your DD behaved badly last night and you were right to punish her. That being said Christmas is usually full on and even the best of us get stroppy when we get over tired.
Start again today, I hope you all get a nice chilled out day and forgive each other.

It is tricky at Christmas but a chat after and notice given by both parents that a repeat performance of such language will result in a complete device ban and carried through should do the trick. She wanted to shock and got what she wanted. Not rising to it immediately can have an impact too.

@LisaSimpsonsbff yes I have teenagers and 2 in their 20s none of them would have called me a slag or felt they could not turn down their video if asked too.

IF we had got towards this they all k we there would be consequences and not one they would like. I have often said. I am their mother NOT their friend. I love them completely enjoy their company.but it is MY job (and their dad) to show them the way to behave in this world and that at times means being the one who says. No

And where on earth do you get the assumption she isn’t saying no?I doubt v much your teens breezed through life perfect. You learn and move on. Teens screw up, it’s a marathon not a sprint.

Op you have every right to watch what you want, in the TV you bought, using the electricity you pay for, in the home you run.
Teenagers can be vile.
My older teen has been asking what we are planning to watch over Christmas and then mentioning things which interest her.
This works for us.
My stock answer to bad teenage behaviour: when you go out to work 5 days a week and pay for everything, then YOU can choose what happens.
I have in the past out ds's Xbox in the boot of my car and driven to work 😁. I was less than popular at the time, but hell ds sure learnt some manners.

Stop feeling obliged to run around after your teenager too, they never appreciate it!

This all seems very conflict driven and extreme.

Why "run around after her like mad" and then accuse her of being utterly spoiled - you can't spoil yourself...

Why start on a conflict footing with TV-gate and not a conversational footing?

Are you struggling with the change from being a rather over indulgent mother of younger children whom you can do everything for and get the reaction you want, to a teenager who doesn't want to be run around after and whom you're beginning to resent because she now fails to react with childish delight to your efforts to create Christmas magic?

Yes, I have a teen DD. Yes, I understand that everyone is different and personality is a huge factor, but we don't have this kind of conflict and I can't imagine any part of the scenario you describe playing out?

Is the DD you're struggling with the eldest by any chance?

It sounds as though you'd all benefit from stepping down from the territorial scuffles and attempts to assert yourself and control everything. The bending over backwards to create a certain type of Christmas is also a - doubtless well intentioned but misguided - attempt to maintain a level of control over not only the things a parent should be in control of but the inside of your teenager's head - their emotions and thoughts, what they enjoy and the expression on their face.

It doesn't have to all be a fight and the majority of posters falling over themselves to jump on the punish! Punish! Punish! Bandwagon explains a lot of the escalating conflict people have with teens. It's not some kind of gorilla group dominance contest! Teens should be learning to separate emotionally and all the running around after them doesn't allow this. Parents are still in charge in their own house but there's no reason to be in conflict mode rather than talk to them reasonably about simple things like sharing space.

The fact is no one can say anything definitively. Because op has been sketchy on details.

If this completely unlike her, then I would be concerned for her. Of course she would still have consquences but I would give her space to calm down.

If it's not out the blue and this happens often, op must have some vaguely some idea of why she acts like this. And it's not just cause she is a teen.

But unless you actually know OP or even live in her house its impossible to answer 'what now?'. Thousands of things could change what to do now.

For example, is the dh her dad? If he isnt, maybe she feels pushed out and being a teenager (who can definitely be unreasonable) did she feel she was being told 'me and dh want to watch TV and cuddle....you must leave the room'. Even if thata nor what was said.

Or do people generally swear in the household? It's done often and accepted?

Or is she constantly told 'you will do as I say because I pay the fucking mortgage'.

Or does op allow her to act like that in general with no consquences, but hate it when its directed at her.

Or is she just being an unreasonable shit?

Also, does a teenage big stop really have to spoil the day? That's very dramatic itself.

Many PPs are saying how their child wouldn't dare call them names because of the punishment they'd get. As a mum of two teenagers, I'd like to think the years raising them so far means there is mutual respect and kindness, so my kids wouldn't use name calling because they know how much hurt it would cause me or their dad. That doesn't mean they don't get annoyed or whatever, and there have been a few stamping off to their rooms, but that's it. And when they've calmed down, we've talked it through.

I've seen parents at the school I work at and how they interact with their kids - very few boundaries, swearing, yelling, and even ignoring their DC as they pick them up. With kids you are their teacher, their guide, you model the behaviour you want to see. This behaviour rarely comes out of the blue IMHO. Either the family dynamic is off by some margin, or something else is going on for the DD.

Jesus wept! Some of the pious over thinking on this thread and excuses made.

Sometimes teenagers are just hard bloody work and behave badly. Because they can be selfish.

The slag comment is out of order and very wrong though and there would definitely be repercussions from me for that. She'd be on a full ban of everything until I'd had a proper apology and I'd be confiscating lots of stuff for now. She has to learn how fortunate she is compared to some teens who have sod all.
Maybe stop running round so much for her too as she doesn't sound like she has much respect for you.

It doesn't have to all be a fight and the majority of posters falling over themselves to jump on the punish! Punish! Punish! Bandwagon explains a lot of the escalating conflict people have with teens. It's not some kind of gorilla group dominance contest! Teens should be learning to separate emotionally and all the running around after them doesn't allow this. Parents are still in charge in their own house but there's no reason to be in conflict mode rather than talk to them reasonably about simple things like sharing space.

Completely agree!

Many PPs are saying how their child wouldn't dare call them names because of the punishment they'd get. As a mum of two teenagers, I'd like to think the years raising them so far means there is mutual respect and kindness, so my kids wouldn't use name calling because they know how much hurt it would cause me or their dad.

And completely agree with this too!