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Original poster

What the fuck do I do now?

162 replies

PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 05:40

So DP of 2 years went out last night for a Christmas party. For various reasons I ended up staying up til 3.30 when he got home. I thought hed be pleased I'd waited but instead we had a huge row about how I apparently dont trust him and that's the reason i waited for him to come home. Apparently I was expecting lipstick on his face, or perfume on him from him shagging another woman. This is mental and never even crossed my mind. He walked out cos he was disgusted at my lack of trust, then came back an hour or so later and said hes going to bed, but I need to know its over. I'm literally reeling and I've got no idea what's happened or what to do now. I love him so much, I dont want him to leave but i cant see a way to stop this happening. My heart is actually breaking

OP posts:
MountainPeakGeek · 18/12/2019 05:46

Sounds like the reaction of someone who has a guilty conscience!!

Silvafox · 18/12/2019 05:48

I'm so sorry to hear what happened. I suspect he'll calm down later. He was possibly overreacting because opportunity DID present itself and he didn't actually on it so is annoyed that he wasn't apparently trusted by you or worst case scenario is he DID cheat and is upset that you caught him coming home late. All you can do is assure him you do trust him and were waiting up to see him safely home. I'm sure things will be fine.

Original poster
PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 05:50

I was hoping nobody would say that......it crossed my mind but I really cant believe it. He wouldn't cheat on me. He abhors people who cheat or have affairs. I'm generally pretty paranoid (and XH was unfaithful) but I've never even thought ot of DP.

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balonzz · 18/12/2019 05:50

Either he wanted out of the relationship anyway and is using this as an excuse, OR he actually has been up to something. It seems like an over reaction, in any case. Is he going to huff and puff and threaten every time you do something he doesn't like? Do you really want to continue with someone who behaves like he does?

MiniTheMinx · 18/12/2019 05:50

Sounds like it at least crossed his mind that hed like to cheat.

InTheBleakMidwinterIWouldSing · 18/12/2019 05:51

OK he’s dumped you for being up at 3am. Like he bloody was!

I agree that for one reason or another he has a guilty conscience. This is not normal behaviour.

Original poster
PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 05:51

@Silvafox that's a possiblty I suppose, that the opportunity was there.....

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/12/2019 05:51

People don't blow up like that. It's not normal. It sounds like he was looking for an out.

Leave him to calm down and let him come to you. Don't even bother with him until he's sober.

Original poster
PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 05:54

Looking for an out is a real possibility, as much as that hurts and I think that's what I'm really thinking. It really fucking hurts though

OP posts:
DoTheHop · 18/12/2019 05:58

I think he may have felt stalked.
If my DP was up when I came home at 3am, I'd feel a little unsettled.

MLMsuperfan · 18/12/2019 06:02

I'd feel guilty if my partner was up at 3am because of me.

Toooldtobearsed2 · 18/12/2019 06:02

You say you know you are a bit paranoid because of ex dh? Do you think you might be making your partner feel constantly under surveillance?
My DH was a bit like you in earlier times. I well remember returning home, buzzing from a brilliant night out with workmates, only to find him sitting up, waiting for me with a face like a slapped arse. He sucked the joy out of everything.
A long way down the line he admitted he was insecure, but it really is horrible being on the other side, and I will admit, I was close to telling him to stuff it.

It can be a bit suffocating, do you think this might be a problem OP?

Original poster
PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 06:02

@Dothehop That makes sense too. But I think we're long past me apologising if it seemed that way. ☹

OP posts:
Original poster
PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 06:06

I can see how it may have looked that that actually. Like I was stalking or checking up on him, but I genuinely wasnt. I'd had trouble sleeping and then thought I may as well wait up and see him when he got in. That's literally all it was. How can I make this better?

OP posts:
Womenwotlunch · 18/12/2019 06:09

Op, It could be that your experience with your ex has made you more paranoid than you think. Your dp may feel suffocated.
There is no way that I would be up at 3:30 am if I was aware that my dh was at a Christmas party. I would only be concerned if I didn’t know where he was.
I don’t me to blame you Op, your dp could be an ass for all I know, I am just trying to be objective based

R2519 · 18/12/2019 06:09

My wife went for her Xmas party last Friday night. I’m a worrier tbh and like to know she is safe. She got home around 1am. I was fast asleep in bed and only woke cause she was tipsy and made a racket getting into bed. There is no need to wait up. His reaction was a little over the top but it’s a little weird to be waiting up til 330am just for him to come home! If I were him I would be a little taken back tbh.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/12/2019 06:10

How can you make this better? By not trying to fix things for a start off. By having boundaries. His behaviour was not normal whatever the reason and you cannot be responsible for his behaviour. Only yours. Don’t apologise or explain. Let him come to you.

Womenwotlunch · 18/12/2019 06:10

Just give him a bit of time to calm down

BillHadersNewWife · 18/12/2019 06:11

Just ignore him. DO NOT call or text. He'll either come looking for you and apologise or he won't.

CherryPlum · 18/12/2019 06:13

It would be quite a surprise to come in at 3am and find your DP still up, I can imagine being a bit confused and maybe irritated by that. Obviously that doesn't excuse his behaviour, but might explain it a little. I'd find it very odd if my DH was awake 'waiting' for me in the early hours .

Hopefully he'll be embarrased at his behaviour and will apologise massively when he wakes up. Have you argued much in the past/do you clash generally?

You must be feeling very very tired, have you had any sleep at all?

puds11 · 18/12/2019 06:14

Why did you stay up though?

My ex would do this and he was making sure that I was home when I said I would be. I hated it.

MiniGuinness · 18/12/2019 06:15

Why would you want to make this better. It’s over. You are very fucking lucky. Although I bet that cunt changes his mind come the morning. Are you really so weak and pathetic to want that though. Think hard OP.

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2019 06:16

I can see both sides here, he reacted badly but waiting up till three thirty for him is just odd, and I can see why he thinks you were doing it for less than positive reasons. Because let's face it, unless there is a history of insomnia which he would know about, no ones wants to loose a nights sleep. At best it's a bit clingy and desperate, at worst he's right.

Is this the first time you've behaved in a way that could be construed as he thinks? Because it's weird that was his first thought about your motivation.

To give context, I'm not jealous and don't check up on my husband, so if I waited up till this time for him his first thought would be concern I was ok. Only if I'd a history of being jealous and insecure would he react thinking I was up to that again.

Doingitaloneandproud · 18/12/2019 06:17

I would feel very irritated if my partner waited up for me to come in, its a strange thing to do. I can understand why he got annoyedConfused

I'd just give each other space to cool off atm

Bogoffrain · 18/12/2019 06:19

Sounds like he thinks he’s found the perfect excuse to split. And he’s decided to blame it on you. If that the way he treats you let him go.