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Original poster

What the fuck do I do now?

162 replies

PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 05:40

So DP of 2 years went out last night for a Christmas party. For various reasons I ended up staying up til 3.30 when he got home. I thought hed be pleased I'd waited but instead we had a huge row about how I apparently dont trust him and that's the reason i waited for him to come home. Apparently I was expecting lipstick on his face, or perfume on him from him shagging another woman. This is mental and never even crossed my mind. He walked out cos he was disgusted at my lack of trust, then came back an hour or so later and said hes going to bed, but I need to know its over. I'm literally reeling and I've got no idea what's happened or what to do now. I love him so much, I dont want him to leave but i cant see a way to stop this happening. My heart is actually breaking

OP posts:
Original poster
PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 10:01

@fromdownwest tbf it's all upsetting the OP. Smile

The honest answer to the question of my previous behaviour is I dont know. We all have a past and we're all products of our past. I guess it isn't beyond the realms of possibility that I can sometimes be insecure and that's led to this. I think I've already mentioned that I am taking commenta on board and I am trying to fund a way to move on from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 10:04

And yes, if it does turn out that this is down to me then I fully intend to learn from it. In fact, whatever the outcome, I've had lessons here.

OP posts:
Danni12 · 18/12/2019 10:04

I think waiting up until 12 or 1ish sounds reasonable. Being up when he gets in at half 3 seems very strange to me (unless you typically struggle with insomnia) and would look like you are checking up on him and therefore don't trust him...
However, his reaction is a massive overreaction!! He rowed with you, walked out, was gone for an hour which would have left you worried and panicked no doubt and when he returned he ended your relationship.... something is definitely not right here....OP I think I'd accept it and move on. You deserve better.

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JustASmallTownCurl · 18/12/2019 10:05

Either he wanted out of the relationship anyway and is using this as an excuse, OR he actually has been up to something.

I think this is very true.

We don't know the full story of course, but if there's a huge backstory of paranoia then it's right the relationship ends. If there isn't an he flew into this without any prior related issues then it's right the relationship ends. Can't see how this would happen in a relationship that is healthy and right.

loobyloo1234 · 18/12/2019 10:07

Either he wanted out of the relationship anyway and is using this as an excuse, OR he actually has been up to something.

Or C - he is fed up of being with someone who may think he is up to no good, when he possibly has not?

People are so quick to scream 'infidelity' on here. So much projection

Lweji · 18/12/2019 10:12

Unless you have a history or started quizzing him, my first thought was a guilty conscience.

fromdownwest · 18/12/2019 10:12

@loobyloo1234 - agree with this.

My ex partner had previously cheated and every single action I did was assessed, checking my phone, asking where I was, who I was with. Waiting up when I got home in a dark room to smell my clothes.

Eventually, ironically the divorce was due to adultery on her side!

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 18/12/2019 10:18

It really isn't a normal reaction. At all. Even if he had been concerned, roaring at you is not ok.

As for it 'looking like you're checking up', I disagree, but surely it depends on what's normal in your relationship?

There's been a good few occasions where I've come in at that time and DP has still been up. Usually he's been on the computer or something and lost track of time. Likewise there's been plenty of times I've been watching a film or reading when he's come in. We'll have a chat, usually the sober one will poke gentle fun at the drunk one being drunk, and then we go to bed together. Its actually quite a nice way to end the night.

Sometimes it's an intentional choice because I don't want to be disturbed by him coming in so would rather go to bed at the same time. Sometimes I've just been enjoying my evening. Other times I crash out at 10 and barely stir when he comes in at 5am having been back to a friend's house. Neither of us have ever blown up at the other for it or have assumed the other is checking up on us. That wouldn't even occur as a possibility, because we trust each other. Instantly assuming the worst really isn't a good indicator of a healthy state of mind.

chocorabbit · 18/12/2019 10:22

Also people are too quick to scream "controlling" on here.

In the beginning of our relationship I couldn't sleep without DH as I was a worrier. Now I can go to sleep without any problem.

OP, just wait for him to come to you. There is a chance he might realise his overreaction but he might or might not apologise. If he still wants out calmly tell him if that's what he wants he can have it. He can't blame you more after that or make up things about you.

Did he say anything like "you always do that" because it was not the first time you did?

Jumpi · 18/12/2019 10:33

Whether being up at 3am in her own home is strange or not (it isn’t), it doesn’t justify someone blowing up, storming out and ending a relationship.

How odd to blame the OP Confused

I think he has a guilty conscience. If I came home after a party and my H was still up, I’d presume he’d just got up/worried about me getting home/some other innocent explanation. My first, or even last, thought would never be that he suspected me of cheating.

NearlyGranny · 18/12/2019 10:33

There's a world of difference between waiting up and just being up! OP says she was just up and awake. Lots of people don't settle if they're suddenly alone in a bed that's usually shared. I'm sometimes awake at 3am and will creep out of bed to make a hot drink - I wouldn't expect to be threatened with divorce for it!

There's no indication that OP was behind the door in curlers with a rolling pin like some old cartoon, is there, not that she started on the Spanish Inquisition.

Why didn't DH just say, "Oh, you're up - couldn't you sleep?", scoop her up and go to bed?

There's no crime in being up and doing in the small hours. It's not puppy-like and it's not controlling. In fact the controlling ones are the people trying to dictate OP's bedtime to her. She's not 5 years old and it wasn't Christmas Eve, after all.

Something's badly amiss. My guess is DH is an aggressive, angry drunk and he'll have no recollection of finishing the marriage when he wakes up.

XXcstatic · 18/12/2019 10:36

People are so quick to scream 'infidelity' on here. So much projection

Agree. And lots of people in shit relationships who are keen (probably subconsciously) to sabotage other people's.

IRL, couples are dicks to each other from time to time, apologise and move on. On MN, a drunken over-reaction = LTB.

Lweji · 18/12/2019 11:23

Well, I've never knowingly been cheated on and quite happy with my current relationship.

I think he's got a guilty conscience.

He was the one who ended the relationship and stormed off. Hmm

chocorabbit · 18/12/2019 11:30

IRL, couples are dicks to each other from time to time, apologise and move on. On MN, a drunken over-reaction = LTB

While I partly agree, here it is her DP who said he wants out and went ape shit because she was awake. It's not always awake=controlling. Should she stay calm and make him a cup of tea following a foot massage IN CASE he comes back feeling guilty with puppy eyes and apologises? She was happy to be awake and it seems it just happened. It has happened to me and DH as we take the time to do some work at night which takes much longer, watch something etc.

Betterbegoing · 18/12/2019 12:00

What a wanker. It’s a guilty conscience or he wanted out anyway and was grasping for an excuse. Either way 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m sorry he’s been such a twat OP.

nowaypose · 18/12/2019 12:06

Waiting up till 3:30 am is a bit weird imo. If it were midnight or something fair enough but 3:30 is extremely late to just casually wait up for him to return. Would you have stayed up if he’d rolled in at 5 am as well? He probably felt a bit freaked out by it, I think I would too.

ISmellBabies · 18/12/2019 12:16

His reaction was really off. Either guilty conscience or he doesn't like you very much and he couldn't hide his contempt after a few beers.

Original poster
PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 12:20

@Ismellbabies ouch

OP posts:
incognitomum · 18/12/2019 12:21

Have you spoken to him yet?

ISmellBabies · 18/12/2019 12:24

Sorry OP that came out more bluntly than I meant it. I meant it with a lot of sympathy, he's been a complete cock.

LemonTT · 18/12/2019 12:29

Let’s be honest it’s weird behaviour on both their parts if it was an otherwise healthy and honest relationship.

But I see waddling and hear quacking on both their parts. I would go with the fact he is edging out and the OP senses it. Hence her over compensation and unconscious need to monitor him.

FilthyBiscuit · 18/12/2019 12:48

I wouldn't like this either as I would feel checked up on. I hope his head isn't too sore and it was just the drink talking.

Original poster
PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 13:46

I cant believe I got this so wrong. Hes leaving today. Please no one else tell me I deserve it. I do get it.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 18/12/2019 13:51

Well I don’t get it, no one walks out of a happy relationship because their oh waited up for them.

Morgan12 · 18/12/2019 13:52

Aye hes been waiting on any excuse by the sounds of it. Sorry OP Flowers

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