What the fuck do I do now?

[PlsTryAnother]

So DP of 2 years went out last night for a Christmas party. For various reasons I ended up staying up til 3.30 when he got home. I thought hed be pleased I'd waited but instead we had a huge row about how I apparently dont trust him and that's the reason i waited for him to come home. Apparently I was expecting lipstick on his face, or perfume on him from him shagging another woman. This is mental and never even crossed my mind. He walked out cos he was disgusted at my lack of trust, then came back an hour or so later and said hes going to bed, but I need to know its over. I'm literally reeling and I've got no idea what's happened or what to do now. I love him so much, I dont want him to leave but i cant see a way to stop this happening. My heart is actually breaking

I’d be annoyed if DP waited up for me til 3:30 and would feel like I was being checked up on too. But ending the relationship over it sounds extreme. Either you have form for controlling/ suffocating behaviour and this was the last straw or he overreacted because he was drunk. If the first he was probably looking for a way out but if your relationship is usually good hopefully you can both apologise when he wakes up and move on.

It's possible that it was just the drink talking and he'll backtrack when he wakes up. But if this the case, I'd think very carefully about whether you want to be with someone who will react like this when you do something they don't like. It"# not how a healthy relationship should eork

Waiting up like this is nuts.

If a woman posted on here that she'd been out on her xmas do and her DP had stayed up to 3.30 'to make sure she got home safely' the conversation would be all 'controlling, red flags' etc.

The DP's reaction sounds extreme. But that depends on what's happened here was a one-off, or part of a pattern.

Perhaps this was just the straw which broke the camel’s back.

It sounds from what he said that you have possibly accused him of cheating before, that coupled with waiting up for him which seems very passive-aggressive has possibly tipped him over the edge.

In all the situations I’ve known of (and have known a few) when a partner waits up for someone to come home it’s often to cause an argument and the whole night comes crashing down.

If he doesn’t end the relationship over this then you need to take a look at why he is reacting like this, and if he does then this needs to be a wake-up call if you don’t want to destroy future relationships.

@birdling It appears we're in the minority. I would be pleased if he was still up when I got home, which probably explains why I'm so shocked at this. I genuinely didnt think it was a bad thing to do. I've got no work to go to today, so staying up wasnt an issue. Not that it's even what I planned to do, it's just what happened.
@thedancingbear I wasnt waiting up "to make sure he got home safely". I've never once said that.

As I said earlier, I can see how it may have looked now. It really wasn't like that but I can understand it.

Thanks to the people that get it, it's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks like me.

I think history is everything though OP. If e.g. you’d been together for years, no previous issues, and you happened to be up when he got home and he reacted like this and it was totally out of character then I’d agree that it was out of order.

But you say yourself that you’ve been paranoid in the past because your ex cheated, and if you know you’ve been paranoid in the past then chances are that you’ve been a lot more so than you actually think, in which case staying up until he got home does seem like you’re checking up on him.

Do you do this a lot? I had a partner who always used to wait up and although he pretended it was in the guise of making sure I was home safely, and being available to pick me up if I couldn't get a taxi, it was really so he could quiz me about who I'd been with, where I'd gone and what I'd been doing. And, in a similar way to your OH, I got to the point where I snapped when I found him up one time.

If it's a one off, the reaction seems rather extreme, but I do think it's an odd thing to wait up for an adult. Your "couldn't sleep" excuse seems flimsy, even if you couldn't sleep why would this translate into you deciding you might as well see him when he came in ... rather than reading a book/having some hot milk/counting sleep.

He abhors people who cheat or have affairs Unfortunately this means absolutely nothing.

Sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse for a row and he's found an opportunity to blame you, I'd be very suspicious and certainly wouldn't be rushing to apologise.

I'd have been happy if my OH stayed up, sometimes he does he's even told me he'd rather I called him to collect me than get a taxi.

However it sounds as if your DP feels you don't trust him. Why not explain that you weren't waiting for him, just having trouble sleeping. He may well see this as in MN terms controlling, monitoring him and a big 'red flag' - Leave the Bitch.

Do you always wait up for him? Had you said that you would? I sometimes do/sometimes don’t but usually let DH know. He’ll text a photo or whatever and I’ll either say goodnight I’m off to bed or I’m staying up and watching a film or whatever. If your DP was drunk he may have felt you were cross with him and gone into defensive mode. I’d wait and see how he is when he wakes up and you can talk about things more rationally.

I would actually just calm down a bit. Not many good conversations happen at 3.30am especially if one person is (possibly - you didn’t say) drunk.
He hasn’t done anything wrong by thinking you don’t trust him. And I can see why he would think that. But you have had a massive awful fight so just take it from there.

I'm guessing that there is more to this ...does he feel that he is generally not trusted by you ?

Personally if I came home drunk and my partner was up i'd just be happy to have a cuddle and drunkenly recount all the stupid stuff that had happened during the night before sleeping, sounds like he has a guilty conscious

DH stays up for me if I go out and generally I’m awake for him coming home too, I can’t sleep unless we are all home safely. Ds has just turned 18 and was out a few weekends ago and I was awake till 5am when he got home! A few of my friends are the same,

His reaction reeks of guilt.

My DH is often up on the very rare occasions I come home in the wee hours. I say up, normally he's fallen asleep on the sofa and my coming in has woken him. I've never made the assumption he was checking up on me, though I never had anything to feel guilty over.

Oh and my best friends husband berated a mutual friend who cheated on her husband low and behold only 2 years later he was having an affair with a work colleague so it does happen ,

It's very rarely that DP waits up past 1am at the latest for me when I go out and it turns out to be a late one. I don't think I'd find it strange if he did wait up and I would automatically think he couldn't sleep or I woke him up. But saying that I know DP trust me completely. Do you completely trust your DP, OP? Did you send messages during his night out asking if he was ok, where he was, who he was with etc? I mean, maybe his reaction was OTT but is this perhaps in a long line of little incidents that makes him feel you don't trust him? If this isn't the case and he had no reason whatsoever to react then I'd have an honest conversation with him about it when he wakes up.

OP, much as I love my DH, I would hate to come back at 3am, buzzed from a rare night out, and find him lurking on the sofa, waiting for me. It would feel really oppressive and controlling, and that certainly wouldn't be because I'd been shagging Simon from Accounts behind his back

Personally if I came home drunk and my partner was up i'd just be happy to have a cuddle and drunkenly recount all the stupid stuff that had happened

Same here, also relief that someone else is awake (and sober) to make me a cup of tea and toast without burning it (the house down)

Sounds like someone with a guilty conscience at worst, and very controlling at best. Either way - dumping you will be the best thing he’s ever done for you. Get out before he gets worse

ExH used to wait up as he would worry. I never thought anything of it.

Bizarre reaction OP and I reckon the result of a guilty conscience.

His reaction is a bit excessive but I would hate to find DP sat waiting up for me after a party at 3am!

"He abhors people who cheat or have affairs."

Crucial red flag. The only people I've ever known say this are pathologically unfaithful.

I wonder if his reaction is just at the end of a long period of intensity? Waiting up like that isn't really a normal thing to do, if you are always so full on maybe he is just fed up with having no breathing space and a few Sri is made him spit it out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Surly a normal reaction if you feel this is controlling is to first CHECK this was the intended of the person? What if your partner suddenly had developed a cough and couldn't sleep (happened to me recently). Or if they had a phone call when you were out and it was bad news.
My first reaction would be to ask why my partner is still up tbh, not having a go at them. (And no being drunk isn’t an excuse either)

I think that when people automatically think being controlled/oppressive, it says more about them than about the person who stayed up to greet them tbh. (Unless of course there are other reasons that would make you think so of course)