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Original poster

What the fuck do I do now?

162 replies

PlsTryAnother · 18/12/2019 05:40

So DP of 2 years went out last night for a Christmas party. For various reasons I ended up staying up til 3.30 when he got home. I thought hed be pleased I'd waited but instead we had a huge row about how I apparently dont trust him and that's the reason i waited for him to come home. Apparently I was expecting lipstick on his face, or perfume on him from him shagging another woman. This is mental and never even crossed my mind. He walked out cos he was disgusted at my lack of trust, then came back an hour or so later and said hes going to bed, but I need to know its over. I'm literally reeling and I've got no idea what's happened or what to do now. I love him so much, I dont want him to leave but i cant see a way to stop this happening. My heart is actually breaking

OP posts:
Aridane · 18/12/2019 08:48

Could just be the final straw if OP is 'monitoring' him / visibly not trusting g him. Or a drunken outburst.

I would be freaked out and fucked off to have a partner waiting up for me like I am a delinquent teenager

Gardai · 18/12/2019 08:48

I think you annoy him for reasons known to him. The staying up like a puppy at the door was a last straw type thing.
And/or he has someone else he fancies.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 18/12/2019 08:49

I sometimes wait up for DP (or fall asleep on the settee waiting up for him), he's done the same for me, sometimes we have a chat while whoever was out gets ready for bed, sometimes the other is knackered and goes straight up - I wouldn't think twice about doing it/not doing it/him doing it/him not doing it - and in fact we'd both be quite touched that they had (assuming they offered a glass of water and company rather than an interrogation).

TBH, I think if the relationship dynamic is such that he's that annoyed by you doing it, it's already on the outs.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Honeybee85 · 18/12/2019 08:50

It takes a low mind, to think low.

You’re right to break up with him.

Flowers
CandyCaneLeBonBon · 18/12/2019 08:52

Context is everything here. If op is controlling and suspicious and does this as a norm, then yes it's understandable that he got annoyed. If it's a one off, then his behaviour is very odd. Only the OP and her partner know the truth and there could be two sides to this.

diddl · 18/12/2019 08:54

I think it's odd to wait up, although I can't see how it would be so annoying.

I find it hard to sleep when I know that husband will be in later so I'd probably be in bed reading.

You might want to rethink how certain things come across, but tbh if he wants to go I think that you're well rid!

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2019 08:56

Op, you've not addressed if you've a history of jealousy or paranoia, and if this is the first time you've had this kind of discussion?

NearlyGranny · 18/12/2019 08:57

Perhaps he was hoping to creep in while you slept and lie about being home before midnight! Perhaps he's just an argumentative drunk. Or perhaps he's looking for a reason to end it. Your behaviour was not a reason for anyone to be anything but surprised and touched by.

Or perhaps he has a guilty conscience. Wait and see, OP. He may not even remember what he said!

crosspelican · 18/12/2019 08:57

If I was out on the razzle and came home and DH was awake (more likely that he would take the opportunity to go to bed at 9pm!) I'd be delighted to have a chat about my night and a piece of toast before bed.

If he is out on the razzle, I often can't get to sleep without him there for a bedtime chat, so he might come in at 1am to a voice coming out from under the duvet "I'm still awake!" and then he'll have a chat or try his luck! Grin

But context is everything - if your DP knows you're paranoid, OP, and you have form for mistrust, and maybe you had made a couple of comments about Sandra in accounts before this night out, coming in to find you bolt upright at the kitchen table with a cigarette and moody lighting might be a bit unnerving.

If you were just half dozing on the sofa under a blanket with Netflix on because you couldn't fall asleep earlier, then HEBVU.

Bogrod · 18/12/2019 08:58

Waiting up is a nice thing to do. He’s either cheated or he wanted out anyway. Let him go. He’s not a nice man.

saraclara · 18/12/2019 08:59

This all depends on history. If you've never shown a moment's doubt that you trust him, then it's the drink talking.
But if this is the final straw for him, because you often display a suspicious nature, it's a whole different situation.

To be honest, I'm a bit suspicious of your account. If you'd said 1:30 it would be believable that you 'accidentally' stayed up. 3:30 not so much.

bionicnemonic · 18/12/2019 09:02

If someone waited up for me I’d feel I was being watched.
What can you do? Maybe calmly discuss how, retrospectively, you can see it may have looked a bit stalkerish but it was done with kind intent

dottiedodah · 18/12/2019 09:03

TBH I doubt I could keep awake till then! I think that you may have made him feel a bit under survelliance really.Often when you get in that late you just want to crawl into bed ,and not speak to anyone or even do your teeth.He may be looking for a way out ,or maybe was just upset.See if you can talk about it today and see how he feel when calmer.

BeardyButton · 18/12/2019 09:06

Christ! Mine waits up. I also wait up. We are both so used to the other being there when we sleep, its easier to go to sleep together. If I was totally whacked I d prob jst go to sleep. But I like having a chat abput his night. And I LIKE to know hes home safe. He feels the same. Does that make us controlling. It would never ever cross my mind that he d be up to no good....

AlternativePerspective · 18/12/2019 09:14

I think that if a woman posted that her DH had waited up until 3:30 till she got home people would say he was controlling. And yet a woman who says herself she’s been paranoid in the past waits up until 3:30 and still he’s the one in the wrong....

I agree actually. If it were say 1 then I could see it, but 3:30 looks very deliberately up and waiting.

loobyloo1234 · 18/12/2019 09:16

Why did you wait up until 3.30 for him though OP? I would also not be happy and think you were trying to catch me out. Im sure the last thing he needed was you sat there clock watching after a night out

Travis1 · 18/12/2019 09:18

Wow. A lot of paranoid folk on this thread Confused DH and I would always generally wait up for each other or at the very least still be awake when we got in. It's nice, we have a chat about our night and a cuddle. Christ I was at a gig and driving on Sunday night but DH still waited up for me. Neither of us sleep well without the other there and we always chat the most at bedtime.

Then there's Monday night, I couldn't sleep at all so came back downstairs and sat up watching shite telly. What would your DP have said if it was insomnia keeping you awake?

It's such an extreme reaction that unless you're constantly checking his phone, location etc etc then I would seriosuly think he had done something and it was his guilty conscience that set him off.

ChristmasCroissant · 18/12/2019 09:21

I'm generally pretty paranoid

I also suspect a massive backstory here! OP, if you constantly quiz him before and after he goes out then waiting up for him is an extension of that.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/12/2019 09:25

My dh would wait up for me.

A normal reaction is “aww you didn’t have to do that, let’s go to sleep”.

BlueJava · 18/12/2019 09:35

If my DP was still up when I got home in the small hours I'd just think he had taken the opportunity to do some work. I certainly wouldn't mind him being up. I'd also be happy if he'd been waiting up for me (although OP says this wasn't the case for her). I think it's a strange reaction from OP's DH and I'd have to think either 1) guilty conscience or 2) he's thought about doing something but hadn't, not necessarily cheating but being over drunk/drugs 3) he's really drunk and took it wrongly. I think you all can do OP is wait it out and see how he is when he's awake again.

Ghoulestofmums · 18/12/2019 09:43

I think it depends very much on the quality of your relationship. When I did voluntary work in the middle of the night DH always asked me to text as I was leaving. This was in no way controlling, it was just that he was concerned and for his own peace of mind wanted some indication of when I would be home. It’s only since I gave this up (for unrelated reasons) that he has confessed he was always worried when I was out in the middle of the night.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 18/12/2019 09:48

It honestly wouldn't occur to me or DP that it was odd to stay up. Don't get me wrong we would go to bed if we were tired , but it really wouldn't be odd. Saying that neither of us really goes out on nights out (purely just not our thing we both generally prefer home but will do if we feel like it)

I wouldn't be very confused if DP reacted like this and yes the next morning he would be told to leave for speaking to me like that.

I find it really wierd that posters use phrases like puppy at the door...I often stay up until 3 or 4 on a weekend watching TV or reading , if DP was out it wouldn't be about that as such.

His reaction is the telling bit. I guess the only caveat is that if you have been quite controlling in other ways then yes it could be the straw that broke the camels back but staying up in itself doesn't seem it should be an issue. It's really odd because like I say Dp and I are strongly independent and a lot of people find that odd, we only tell each other when we will be home etc for childcare reasons, other than that we wander off and do our own thing because we are adults and have our own lives but it still wouldn't be odd to find one of us up coming in of an evening.

Pinkypie86 · 18/12/2019 09:50

I don't go out much at all and my OH will gladly wait for me, he doesn't sleep well when I'm not in bed with him - I suppose it's more a comfort thing.
If he ever goes out - I'll go off to bed but, I think you automatically wake up once it gets to a certain time and they're not there?
No?
We have DCs so, I wake quite easily - I don't think I would feel like I wasn't trusted.
Was there texting on the night? Were you messaging every 20 mins? Etc.

If its exploded this much you both need to just sit and have a chat. Hasty decisions usually never end well.

3timeslucky · 18/12/2019 09:52

That's not a normal reaction.

My dh would stay up if I was out (though I'm never out til 3.30 but I think the principle is the same). If it was 3.30 I'd be "You shouldn't have. I feel bad you stayed up". And then we'd both crash out.

Regardless of whether he liked you staying up, shouting and roaring at you is OTT. I grew up in a house with a shouty father and I'd be damned before I'd live with anyone who shouted and roared at me like that.

fromdownwest · 18/12/2019 09:54

I can see both sides, obviously the OP had no bad intentions in the action, however, it might have been the straw on unknown anger at your husband not feeling trusted.

I am not making excuses, but alcohol really does limit the rationale thinking and could have exaggerated his actions. It also does however, provide people the opportunity to speak what they really think.

Sit down, have a chat, and figure out what is really the issue.

And to those who jump to 'he did something' please refrain, its upsetting the OP>