40% of domestic abuse victims are men

[PablosCat]

So says South East Coast Ambulance NHS foundation trust

Can anyone fact check that?!

Violence on any person is wrong. No one can deny that.

These days, as a pp wrote, it seems we see a story every week at least of one woman battered, humiliated, raped, abused and often murdered by a partner or ex partner. And they get punishments which are quite frankly and insult to that woman and her family. And the "rough sex gone wrong" defence, literally a gift to an abuser as no one can prove otherwise.

Whilst this continues and until I see more men stand up to say "enough is enough" and until society makes this unacceptable, I will have sympathy for male victims but it's in limited supply. I'm aware of how that makes me sound and it's not that I don't care, it's just I feel too sad and angry for all the women and children who have been very badly let down.

Mushroom absolutely, I have two brothers and would support them. Im in doubt though that were the tables turned they are likely to inflict far greater damage on their partners.

The people who can make the biggest difference in this horrible scenario? Men.

Believe me the things I hear in the media and at work horrify me and the "rough sex gone wrong" line is despicable.

Men do have the power to change things and I believe they should be doing more to stamp out DV.

However, there are genuine male victims and they need our support. Whether that's through practical support, donations, signposting them to organisations who can help, or simply not dismissing them as liars I don't much mind.

Women are victims, men are victims, women lie about it, men lie about it. There are good and bad people in the world full stop.

I disagree with above, women are the the overwhelming majority of victims and are much more likely to be in the receiving end of my severe abuse, and more women are killed. The overwhelming memory of perpetrators are men.

Why is it important to know this?

It’s not so we can ignore your make friend @Mushroom - he needs he should get help.

It so that women like me and others have the right resources and those involved can advise professionally. I am very aware that I could be called a liar, I’m already in the receiving end of a smear campaign. I don’t think I could mentally cope if support services hadn’t told me that this denial and accuse DARVO - was so common - I was starting to break down as a person and thinking no one will believe me, and that I might be faced with Ex using this to gain custody (even though he has no intention of actually caring for the child himself, his job is everything).

Gender is a huge part of the problem I am facing with escalating abuse from my ex while we are separating and it is validating and important to me that this is understood.

And in a wider sense, if it’s just an equal problem and non gendered, then centers like women’s aid might be forced to shut down or receive less funding, courts will believe it is more of a ‘he said, she said’ issue (which apparently happens a lot, judges will often dismiss a women’s claim for abuse in custody or other battles if men also say that they were abused, it is a serious issue).

Male not make... apologies

Gosh so many mistakes grammar wise in my post. Apologies! Ironically it is because I’ve been speaking to my support worker and the police today about abuse!

Any source on this idea that men are less likely to report? From my understanding in the Scottish Crime Survey it was the opposite - men were more likely to report.

Of course it is down to men to help each other and there are multiple groups now that are doing something about this and other issues though there is little media coverage. Having been involved in several male orientated groups I think the majority of people would be shocked by just how many men claim to have been victims. What I really wonder about is the overwhelming opinion that male perpetrators need to be dealt with by fellow men, which by the way is right, but female perpetrators are just seen as a rarity and no ones problem.

@Clearnightsky I'm a survivor too so I understand where you're coming from. My perpetrator used DARVO with a previous partner and I see it all the time at work.

It just saddens me that the first conclusion people seem to jump to is that male victims must be lying to cover up their own abusive behaviour.

Singletomingle

I was thinking the same. If male violence is a problem for men to solve presumably female violence is a problem for women to solve so what should women as a class be doing to tackle it?

@HearHoovesThinkZebras @Singletomingle what indeed?

This thread is confusing as the OP and other posts talk about domestic abuse and others of domestic violence. Domestic violence is one type of domestic abuse but domestic abuse is not always domestic violence. All horses are animals but not all animals are horses.

We know the stats on female partners or exes killed by men are disgusting but this isn't the only type of domestic abuse. I'd be interested to see how non-violent domestic abuse compares. Not sure if there are any useful stats though.

Enough posters here have shared experiences of abusive mothers for me to think that F to M spousal abuse is common enough.

Hear when it's overwhelmingly men harming women and other men I can't take seriously a suggestion that it shouldn't be men's responsibility to sort their toxic masculinity crap out.

As I say when female violence against men reaches endemic proportions I'll sit up and take notice of how barbaric women are.

@wafflyversatile in my organisation we use abuse and violence interchangeably but I know other organisations/individuals who have an issue with this.

Thanks for the clear stats Quentin. Should set a few people straight.

Really?! Sorry,but I find that very hard to believe.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz it is absolutely mens responsibility to sort out male violence and toxic masculinity not sure if I've seen anyone say otherwise. However certainly what I was saying is in the cases of female on male abuse it should equally then be a female problem but the virtually every female poster is saying its not our problem or even denying it completely.

@Singletomingle I'm with you on those points.

I've had 2 very good male friends who have suffered domestic abuse, and in both cases they felt too ashamed to report it to anyone, and their family and friends only discovered it by accident.

In one case the girlfriend slowly isolated the guy, cut him off from friends and family, suicide threats to control, emotional abuse. His self confidence has never recovered, he's like a different man even decades later.

In another case the guy is both a good friend and one of my exes, one of his future girlfriends was emotionally abusive to him.

However certainly what I was saying is in the cases of female on male abuse it should equally then be a female problem but the virtually every female poster is saying its not our problem or even denying it completely
No one denies female on male abuse, we are all saying its 4% of women on men abuse/violence. That's worldwide, in the UK I think its 2% not certain. It's not exactly a pandemic is it. It's so rare as to be in the news when it happens, unlike male violence in general in the UK which is getting worse. Its increasing year upon year so far.
So more women are dying at the hands of men, more men are dying at the hands of men.
The one constant is men.
I condemn absolutely women abusing and murdering men. But I wait with bated breath to see what men do to fix their problems first.

No one denies female on male abuse, we are all saying its 4% of women on men abuse/violence.

Where are you getting 4% from? And 4% of what?

@TheyMostlyComeOutAtNightMostly

the statistics you quote are not a huge difference but identical
statement 1.women are 50% more likely to be victims
statement 2. 40% of abuse victims are male

according to statement 1; if 50 men are abused and the number of abused women is 50 % greater that means the number of abused women is 75 so the number of men abused is 50 out of a total of 125 which is exactly 40%
so both those statements are mathematically true and equal

I am not minimising abuse just pointing out that although the two statements look like they are different statistics actually they are identical

I’d be interested to see how non-violent domestic abuse compares if you read earlier posts there are links to the women’s aid ‘why DV is a gendered issue’ which has stats saying that all forms of abuse are more prevalent to women by men and are generally more severe.

So it’s not the ‘men hit’ but ‘women psychologically abuse’ - men are the main perpetrators of both.

In terms of protecting men, I’m not interested in a wider sense. Fundraising etc as through my experience I am worried about how many men lie and falsely claim women are abusers in order to further punish them. If I were a man DV organization I think that is an area I’d be working on with women’s aid - how to more effectively support those men who are genuine victims and not those who aren’t.

However I will in my personal life. I’ll be teaching my sons to be aware of abuse, both to not be abusive and also not to suffer it. And if I hear anything worrying I will do something. A female acquaintance I didn’t know well told me she’d hit her husband ‘not hard’. She became very angry with me but I told her that was abusive and begged her to see someone, a doctor, a professional, anyone who would basically tell her to stop and get help. I didn’t know her husband and unfortunately I now never see her as I think she avoids me, because I do worry he wouldn’t get help. Obviously I don’t know the in’s and outs and she said it’s more complicated - but you need to take it public I think - and let professionals step in if that happens.

Clearnightsky

Why didn't you report her to the police? Was she likely to admit to herself that she was an abuser and then get help? If a man told someone he hit his wife what would you expect them to do? Would asking him to go and get help be enough?

But this isnt just about violence its domestic abuse which isnt necessarily physical but can be just as harmful. From the literally hundreds of men I've talked in the last year I only spoke to 2 who reported it and neither was believed. These were in men only groups or internet forums where there would be nothing to be gained from lying. I've seen men weeping, on the verge of suicide, terrified of their own shadow, it may only be 2% reported but its far far more unreported.