40% of domestic abuse victims are men

[PablosCat]

So says South East Coast Ambulance NHS foundation trust

Can anyone fact check that?!

Many men maybe don't report abuse but very many women don't either.
I had to get out quickly but had managed to keep my job so had some financial resources for me and my DD.
Did I report anything over the years?No.I was too busy surviving day to day and trying to shelter my dd.I never even thought to report it.And only my solicitor and Dr know how bad it was but not the true extent.
I also think because of the increased talk about coercive control men have learned the language and turn it back on women.
Men and women can get back from DA,often easier for men as they are on average better financially and yes there are mental scars.The dead victims can't and vast majority of these are women.

@SlightlyBonkersQFA I think you are probably right. It’s the narrative now from his whole family. To be honest it scares the life out of me as I’m trying to leave.

Women’s aid said also - as they advised I may need legal protection like an order - that it is very common for men to then claim they are the ones being abused and bring a legal defense in. That actually really surprised me - I think I had this misinformed idea that men who abuse are fairly status driven/or masculine and that last thing they’d want to do is say publicly they are a victim.

@Clearnightsky unfortunately it seems to be the ones that aren't actually victims that really shout about it and the ones that are never report it.

It can be the same with women but to a lesser extent. And there are definitely more female victims than male. The statistics don't lie about that.

@XXCoffeeHoneyBread excellent post.

DP says I’m an excellent mother. However I’m controlling and abusive to him?

@MushroomTree that seems to ring true.

I do have sympathy with any man who has been abused, especially now I’ve experienced similar I am even more empathic. However if I met a man without knowing him and he said his ex was abusive I’m afraid I would be quite wary.

Whenever you see a thread describing an abusive mother or mother in law or sister or sister in law or daughter or daughter in law these women often have male partners. If they are abusive to others they are probably abusive to their partners too.

Domestic violence may be more prevalent from men but I'm not sure other sorts of abuse are as lopsided.

@Clearnightsky I totally agree. I'm immediately on guard if a man starts shooting his mouth off about his crazy ex.

But in the case I'm thinking of particularly, it really is true. She's horrifically psychologically abusive and knows exactly what she's doing. And every time he tries to put boundaries in place and regain some control of his own life and his relationship with his child she gets worse.

I wouldn't be surprised if sooner or later her actions kill him. She won't physically do it herself but she'll drive him to it. She's even said she'd be happy if he was dead and out of their child's life forever.

A friend of mine is an IDVA and I pick her brains a lot as I find her job fascinating- I want to do something similar one day. Anyway she told me that while she does get referrals where a man is the victim, she has found that quite often that he is either also a perpetrator (so both parties have exhibited abusive behaviour) or he is the only perpetrator and him reporting his victim for abuse is another way to abuse her. This doesn’t surprise me at all.

Just to be clear, I know that DV can and does effect men. I do believe though that DV predominantly effects women and the knock on effects of it are felt more by them: physically, financially, housing and job security...

@HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork you're not wrong. We actually have an extra set of questions we ask men when they're referred to help us determine the truth of the matter.

But there is a very good reason why there are more services, support agencies, refuges etc. For women. There are more female victims.

However more needs to be done to help men who truly are victims because they are out there and it can be very challenging for them to access support, for the same, and different, reasons that women find it a challenge to get the help they need.

I think we need more detail on the figures, how do they break down at the most and least severe ends of the scale?

Not that psychological damage isn't serious and women are certainly just as capable of inflicting it but when it comes to physical violence and just generally being able to dominate ...well men are usually the ones in the position to perpetrate these acts

@MushroomTree sounds awful. He should get some good advice - and record her abusive behaviour factually as it happens - this could help him work with someone to see how he can better respond (mostly not respond) and will also help him decide with good advice whether legal advise is needed.

@Hideyour that is interesting. It’s certainly opened my eyes, I didn’t realize how many men cite abuse as a form of attack. It’s not something that gets recorded.

I do think on the whole we as women are more vulnerable. If we work this can be threatening. If we don’t we are financially vulnerable. Look where the power actually lies.

@RhinoskinhaveI you see the statistics or evidence doesn’t bear it out that women are just as capable of psychological abuse - it still seems to be mostly perpetrated by men to women. It’s aggression in the non physical form.

@Clearnightsky it is horrific. The next step is court but I can't imagine she'll bother following a court order and if she does she'll find another way to keep control of him.

Male or female, perpetrators want to keep control and they'll do whatever is necessary for that to happen. If that means playing the victim then so be it.

Sorry I didn't make my point very well, to put it another way men have greater ability for physical violence relative to women but that isn't true when it comes to psychological violence
I actually agree with you it's just that I was 'musing' and didn't really put things over very well 🙈

I think women use psychological abuse as their weapon of choice because it's the easiest for them to use.

Men start with that and move on to other forms of abuse because it's the obvious next step for them.

I don't think it's quite the same for female perpetrators.

@RhinoskinhaveI I don’t think I put my point across either very well! Isn’t it that abuse isn’t so much about ‘fighting’ strength but about domination and control? And that it is mostly men who use all forms of abuse and more severely? So in reality less women are using any form of abuse (although not saying it doesn’t happen)

I’m aware of at least one case where the woman is widely seen as the perpetrator by professionals working with the family but who has had legal aid awarded due to her own allegations of DV.

However more needs to be done to help men who truly are victims because they are out there and it can be very challenging for them to access support
I think you are correct, d'you think that men in general will start putting hands in pockets to help out fellow men? Is there a general lack of awareness within the male class that they need to fundraise and learn more about their specific needs? Where does toxic masculinity come into it?

Total rubbish.

I wonder to what extent dv is a factor in suicide amongst men. When a woman is murdered as a result of physical abuse its usually clear. If a man kills himself, the true cause most likely never comes to light.

Is there a general lack of awareness within the male class that they need to fundraise and learn more about their specific needs?

I think this thread is proof that there's a lack of awareness. Men feel that they can't talk about DV so how can there be awareness about it?

Of course some men are abused, and some of their abusers will be female partners, but it is far easier for men to leave a relationship, to walk away from children, they are physically stronger, their penis and fists can be utilised as weapons etc.

My mum was awful, really awful, at home she used to control all money and if she sent my Dad shopping she would count every penny when he got home to make sure he hadn’t ‘stolen’ any.

If he hadn’t cleaned something to her standard she would be verbally abusive and physically abusive. He used to just stand there and nod.

He had to wait until we were early teens to leave as he knew she would start making us the focus of her abuse and he was aware she would be awarded residency. When he left my sister and I went with him, my older brother moved out.

Within three days the police had returned me and my sister to my Mum, there was a very lengthy court battle and it was decided that we both had to live with her as she had convinced the court she was a victim.

Despite us being able to tell SS and the police about Dads black eyes, burns, then there were medical records of broken ribs, fingers that had visibly been broken and not set properly.

Within six months due to school stepping in my sister was placed with my Dad, I was left with mum as SS decided that because I was a boy I didn’t need protecting from my mum.

My sister is a class a drug user, homeless and in and out of prison, she has had all of her children taken away from her.

I have poor mental health, I had two EDs for a long time which are now fairly well controlled. I’m a bit of a doormat and I genuinely fear upsetting anyone or making them angry, to the point where I feel terrified about their reaction if I say no, do something they don’t like.

If my Dad had been able to escape earlier and if we had been protected, we would have all been less damaged and more able to function in society.

All domestic violence, whether that’s emotional, financial or physical needs to be treated much more seriously by the police, but also by society as a whole.

@Baboomtsk in the care I'm thinking of, if he does take his own life those of that know the extent of the situation will know she's driven him to it. Those who don't will see a man with mental health issues who lost his battle.

She'll get exactly what she wants which is their child all to herself and his money.

@SimonJT thank you for sharing your story. I hope that eventually your dad found some happiness