40% of domestic abuse victims are men

[PablosCat]

So says South East Coast Ambulance NHS foundation trust

Can anyone fact check that?!

@CandyflossKid sorry, I assumed brother! PM me if you think I might be able to point you in the direction of some support. It is out there, but harder to find for men unfortunately.

Perpetrators often frame themselves as victims and consider a women fighting back, even verbally, against his attack to be an act of her aggression and abuse against him. This skews the self reported figures.

I’m currently on the receiving end of this. DP and I are separating and he is saying I’m controlling and that he is scared of me. It’s really messed with my head. Even though he’s very strong, tall and bigger than me, and last time he screamed so loudly I knew all my neighbours would have heard. I did not even raise my voice back. I went to women’s aid and they said this was very common, to be blamed for what they are doing. I, sure DP, who I do feel often is a very caring man, cannot cope with the thought that it is him and so instead has rewrote the story as ‘we both fought and both got abusive with each other’.

Of course some men are abused, and some of their abusers will be female partners, but it is far easier for men to leave a relationship, to walk away from children, they are physically stronger, their penis and fists can be utilised as weapons etc.

Is it easier for men to walk away? And I've seen threads on here about men who choose to stay rather than leave children with an abusive mother.

I don't think any of us can say it's easy for an abused partner to leave.

However I do have every sympathy for any man truly going through this. They should be encouraged to contact someone, we should try and help by making it more normal to talk about.

However I do have every sympathy for any man truly going through this. They should be encouraged to contact someone, we should try and help by making it more normal to talk about

Its bloody awful that men go through the same as many many women.
Maybe they should contact the mens groups that have already been set up?
Possibly if it's so prevalent, men should look at setting up more help.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras in the cases I know of it isn't easier for men to walk away. And when there are children involved the abuse usually continues even once the relationship has ended.

Although this is often the case regardless of the sex of the victim and perpetrator.

@Clearnightsky he knows what he's doing. Deep down he does. He doesn't do this to anybody ELSE i suspect.

MushroomTree

I can well imagine. Seeing threads on here from women in abusive relationships you can see the push and pull going on as they wrestle with thinking about leaving. Why would that be any different just because the victim is male? I imagine that abuse that goes on for a long time wears away at self esteem until the victim feels unable to leave.

@Charley50 exactly, my x like this. Defending myself was an abuse of him. He still feels like the victim because I ddidn't stay to endure him.

Regardless of differences in likelihood of reporting.

40% of DV victims are men => women are 50% more likely to be victims of DV than men. That’s a big difference.

Bear in mind that the definition of male victims of DV normally includes male children and parents who are victims of parents/children/ siblings who may be of either sex, as well as men in same sex relationships, so it does not necessarily imply that 40% of abusers are female. Many definitions of DV also include men who are killed by their partners’ abusive former partners like Ron Goldman.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras it's no different. The particular case I'm thinking of his ex girlfriend has destroyed his life to the extent that he's considered suicide. And it will never end because they have a child together so she'll continue to control, belittle and abuse him for the rest of their lives whilst poisoning their child against him so he never stands a chance of building a proper relationship with them.

It wasn't even a long relationship. She's more or less openly admitted she targeted him because of his salary and got pregnant quickly to secure a claim to his finances for the foreseeable future.

Bear in mind that the definition of male victims of DV normally includes male children and parents who are victims of parents/children/ siblings who may be of either sex, as well as men in same sex relationships, so it does not necessarily imply that 40% of abusers are female. Many definitions of DV also include men who are killed by their partners’ abusive former partners like Ron Goldman.

Don't the female statistics include the same then? Ie same sex relationships, parents, siblings. So not all female victims are the victims of men are they?

MushroomTree

I honestly don't know how you do your job. It must be heartbreaking.

Sounds about right, that will include same sex, but also dv includes other family (adult) relationships in same figures eg a son against a father. Men don't always report.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras you're right. Not all women are the victims of men. And even if they are it isnt always their partner or ex partner. It could be father/brother/child/mother/family as a whole etc.

And sometimes it is. And then sometimes you can really make a difference and it's the best job in the world.

Yes, some female DV victims will be victims of their mothers or daughters or lesbian partners. I think I found some stats with the breakdown for a previous thread - I’ll try and dig them up but as I recall women were far less likely to be the victim of female perpetrators than men of male perpetrators.

Men are less likely to report DV. They are just as likely to experience it, if we used the Womens Aid definition ("We define domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour")

Just as likely? You think women and men are equally likely to be victim to threatening, coercive, controlling etc behaviour? I don't think so...

Men are opening up more about depression, MH, feelings in general etc. so I imagine they will open up more about domestic abuse. And men very much need to talk about toxic masculinity which has expected men to never talk about emotional issues.
However, a fair (high?) number of men claiming abuse will be doing it as a way to attack their partner, as illustrated by my, and PP's stories here. And statistics.
It's called DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. (I learnt that on here, thank you Mumsnet).

I also don't think the female statistics are accurate. I know we've certainly had cases where clients have come into service and when you do some digging into the circumstances it isnt really DV. For example, it's a one off argument that got out of hand or it's actually a housing issue. We quite often get women referred to us by local authority housing teams as victims and it's quite clear they just want to pass the buck and let someone else house them

Every time I open a newspaper I read about women controlled, humiliated, abused, attacked, burned, knifed, raped and killed by male partners and ex-partners. Domestic abuse against women is rising. Women are now killed at a rate of 3 per week; risen from 2 per week; that's a 33% increase in domestic murder against women.
Maybe the odd person lies about it, but you're living in dreamland if you don't think violence against women is a massive fucking problem.

This is interesting US Homicide data showing murder numbers by relationship of victim to perpetrator.
www.statista.com/statistics/195327/murder-in-the-us-by-relationship-of-victim-to-offender/
Whilst it doesn’t show the sex of the attacker, it does show that men are far more likely to be killed by their parent, child or sibling, and far less likely to be killed by an intimate partner.

@Charley50 I totally agree. I hear things at work I really wish I could forget. I thought I'd be fairly unshockable by now but I'm not.

But I also don't think it's fair to dismiss the fact that men can also be victims of DV.

..than women are

SWALT.
NAMALT.

At the end of the day we must speak for the dead, those murdered into silence. Those statistics are clear. Men are mostly murdered by men. Women are mostly murdered by men.

Lundy Bancroft has written a lot about abusers claiming victimhood.

Look what you made me do. etc.

I am now highly sceptical of any man claiming his ex was abusive if he has left her raising the children.

Mid forties and single and 99% of single men (of all ages) with children will tell me right away how crazy their ex is and how abusive and horrible they were etc. It is their next sentence after answering the question about whether they have any children. Any parent telling the truth about that would be insisting the children are not left in the care of an abuser. All of the men who have made these sorts of claims to me (and there have been many!) have never been to court to ensure their children's safety, and in fact look surprised at the suggestion. The claim that a person who is abusive to their spouse will not be abusive to their children is false and unacceptable.

Money is nearly always mentioned by these men. One man actually told me his ex had a disabled child on purpose (?!?) just so as she could get more money. Just a staggering lack of self awareness.

Lack of contact with children is always blamed on abusive ex, more terrible stories. Again pursued in court absolutely never.

Be sympathetic by all means, but be also wise.

I don't disagree @XXCoffeeHoneyBread but the courts don't always get it right either.

I know women who have fled with their children having been beaten to within an inch of their lives only to be told they have to hand their children over for contact with the perpetrator.

Even if these men did take the women to court I doubt the children would be removed from their mothers.

The family court system is totally broken and I don't see that anyone comes out of it well.