40% of domestic abuse victims are men

[PablosCat]

So says South East Coast Ambulance NHS foundation trust

Can anyone fact check that?!

Simon that's incredibly brave to share that. I hope you all find peace.

I believe the figures being talked about- include being shouted at and made to feel bad- not referring to purely physical domestic violence but verbal also?

My ex does this he shoved me and the children around screamed and yelled at us threw my daughter into a wall shoved out son away and snatched the youngest off me saying he was leaving with him I grabbed for the baby and where he had ripped off my nail earlier scratched his arm he was going to call the police on me for assaulting him

@SD1978 I would hope so because this is also abuse and illegal.

In the case I know of she's never laid a finger on him. She doesn't need to. He's a shadow of his former self and kow tows to her every whim because she's made him feel like that's his only role in life.

I can quite believe that ..........in fact it's probably higher.

My sister has verbally and at times physically attacked her husband for years. She isn't shy about it either (( we're pretty much NC )) and he won't report. The sad fact is when neighbors have phoned the police they immediately treated him as the aggressor despite others pointing out that the 4ft 8 she devil was in fact the aggressor.

No wonder a lot of men don't seek help if one of the first conclusions is that they are actually the abuser on a cover up. Not everything has to be a competition, they aren't taking over the hard fought for refuges for women etc.

@FoamingAtTheUterus I can believe that unfortunately. We had a case in refuge last year where she was quite clearly a perpetrator but she'd been treated as the victim by police and her partner the perpetrator.

When you read the police reports it was clear she was as bad as him but the police seemed to be in a woman = victim, man = perpetrator mentality.

She was awful to staff. Aggressive, gas lighting etc. Admitted to us she wasn't scared of him. In fact she moved back to where she was from and was only a few miles from him. And used to go out, come back without their child, claiming he was "with a friend". It was obvious she'd dropped him off with his father and there was no real issue other than an abusive woman who hadn't gotten her own way so played the victim.

We were glad when she left frankly.

I really doubt that the last statistics I saw for England and Wales for 2018 were 4%. The highest I have seen bandied about is 15%. I saw the 40% one off an article quoting an estimation by a male charity domestic violence off a 2010 article but was not an actual statistic, literally just what he thought it was

@Pomley exactly. I've often heard of men being told "I'd never put up with that" or "Just walk away and leave the kids, you don't need the hassle" or "I'd have laid her out mate" because of course punching her would have solved the issue

And what about the men who want to leave the relationship but not walk away from their children? It never ends because they're reliant on their abuser to facilitate a relationship with their child(ren) which of course they'll never do because that would mean they lose control.

Heres a post critiquing the "men as victims" thing, by the amazing Karen Ingala Smith

kareningalasmith.com/2013/04/29/this-thing-about-male-victims/

I think it shows just how far we have to go to have bullying, emotional and financial abuse, coercive control fully recognised as forms of DV.

Officially they are, but it's not really seeped in to public consciousness, and serious domestic abuse is still equated with actual physical violence.

But change underway.

And yes, abusive women need to be dealt with.

It's still hard for men to recognise themselves as vispctims, or to seek help. That increased numbers are doing so is long overdue.

No-one should be abused.

Different aftercare (for want of a better word) is however required. As pointed out above, men are way more likely to have maintained their earning power and way less likely to be the main career after a separation.

And what about the men who want to leave the relationship but not walk away from their children?
This applies to women as well you know. Yet women who don't leave are doubted or assumed to be bringing it on themselves.

Men are overwhelmingly more responsible for domestic violence. I think its gaslighting on a huge scale for the problem to be turned on its head and to be asked to prioritise men.

When men start dealing with, or even showing an interest in the fact they kill 2 women a week and commit the vast majority of rapes and sex offences, then I will start getting more concerned about Male victims of domestic abuse.

Otherwise it just comes across as deflection and whataboutery

Does the stats include same sex relationships?

I don't doubt sever and repeated dv exists female to male, but I question how much of the 40% actually relates to it. I know people who work in child protection and they see no cases of exclusive female to male violence.

Boys are more likey to be beaten by parents than girls, which is maybe pushing up the percentage.

Most of the men who experience the other side of DV are assaulted by their male partner and let's not forget that woman who identify as trans are included as men.

I agree Lessthanzero. Violent men are more likely to attack other men than they are to attack women, and that includes their parents/children/siblings as well as acquaintances down the pub.

I very much doubt that’s true Lentilheart unless you have statistics to back it up. Only a very small percentage of men are in same sex relationships so the probability differential would have to be huge to make your statement true. I think that there are a lot of men abusing men but only some of them are in intimate relationship.

I think this thread is proof that there's a lack of awareness. Men feel that they can't talk about DV so how can there be awareness about it?
So is there a better place for this discussion than chat. I'm not being goady, I just think it's a uniquely male situation this way round.
I'm not sure how much help women want to be, especially when women are often sidelined by men.
I also believe a good percentage is by men, on men. So it's a man problem to fix, help, understand, create space for.

There was that horrific programme on BBC 'Abused by my Girlfriend' about a young lad who was massively abused by his partner. It's harrowing viewing.
She was middle-class, degree-educated, well-spoken, maybe 5ft tall, manipulative enough to come across as perfectly believable when questioned. However she used to wait til he was asleep then pour boiling water on him or stab him & put it down to his 'self-harming'.
He had no access to money or anyway of getting out of the situation as she'd alienated him from his family. It was only due to a persistent police officer that gained his trust that the abuse came out. He was weeks from death.
She was given two 7yr sentences for GBH and Wounding with Intent and 6 months for Controlling and Coercive Behaviour - the first woman in the UK to be convicted of this.
It does happen and we need to keep our eyes and ears out to ensure we pick up male victims as well as female. Yes I know that men are more likely to be perpetrators but it can also be women.

No wonder men won't talk about being the victim of dv judging by the responses on this thread.

The stats for that are always misleading. They don't distinguish between 'mutual partner violence' where both partners are physically violent (usually mildly) to each other in the heat of arguments and 'intimate terrorism' which is nearly always perpetrated by men to women, is often very severe violence (hello..2 women a week!), is planned and controlled not spontaneous and goes alongside the bullying and coersive control we so often hear about on here

books.google.co.uk/books/about/A_Typology_of_Domestic_Violence.html?id=hn1OHWwDg7sC&source=kp_book_description&redir_esc=y

@Jocasta2018

The fact that they made a BBC documentary about that case shows how rare that sort of violence exists female to male.

If you had a documentary for every woman who has experienced similar, its all that would be on the telly.

Great link @QuentinWinters thanks for sharing

This is an issue for men to discuss frankly. Do you think male dominated websites are worrying about how to stop men from abusing women, how to help female victims of DV, and how to stop men from killing their 'loved ones' at a rate of 3 per week? No!