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Original poster

In laws coming to stay when baby is due

179 replies

Mummma2be · 16/11/2019 22:07

Hi all,

I need some advice. My in-laws have decided they’re coming over from Australia when my first baby is due. They will be staying with us and bringing their 2 teenage sons for 2 weeks. I’m horrified. This means I’ll have 4 extra people in my small house while I’m going into the first stages of labour as well as the few weeks of my babies life when my partner and I will be adjusting to life as new parents and trying to bond as a new family. It’s making me so anxious as I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy and I just don’t know what to do about handling this.
Everytime I bring it up with my partner he just doesn’t really say anything and tries to change the subject.

How did you deal with your in-laws staying over this period? Do I just have to get over it and deal with the fact that things aren’t going to be how I wanted them to be? It’s seriously causing me so much stress :(

OP posts:
NeedAnExpert · 16/11/2019 22:09

Tell them they can’t. Tell them to book a hotel. This is a complete pisstake.

If your partner won’t support you, go somewhere where you will get support and leave him and his family to it.

KatherineJaneway · 16/11/2019 22:09

Have they booked their tickets?

Stormwhale · 16/11/2019 22:12

You just say no. Even if it causes a row, you will not regret telling them they cant come. You will massively regret having those precious first few weeks ruined. You can never get that back.

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Families
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/11/2019 22:13

Book them an AirBnB

GrapefruitIsGross · 16/11/2019 22:13

You don’t need tips on dealing with four house guests when you’ve given birth, you need to be straight with your DP and in-laws and tell them that they’re being completely fucking bonkers.

Childbirth might be natural, but it’s hard work . I had a straightforward time with mine, but both births left me feeling physically and mentally drained. There’s no way I could have handled the house admin that comes with houseguests along with getting grips with breastfeeding, changing maternity pads and the discomfort of a beaten up fanny.

ThanosSavedMe · 16/11/2019 22:13

Tell them that there has been a misunderstanding. That they will not be able to stay with you as there isn’t room. Tell you dh if he doesn’t back you up on this you will be moving out for the duration of there visit and seriously evaluate your relationship.

Do you have family close by you can escape to?

Mishappening · 16/11/2019 22:14

They need some clarity from you and your OH. They cannot know what you want unless you actually tell them.

Just say that you think it will be too much for you having so many people on the house. Research a nice self-catering place nearby and send them the details.

It is lovely that they are excited and want to be around; but it does have to be on your terms. Stand up for yourselves and speak up.

SD1978 · 16/11/2019 22:16

They haven't been told no- so they can't be expected to know that it's an issue- you or your partner need to tell them- they can't be blamed. You may go early, you may go late. This is a conversation that needs to be had- and if he won't they you have to. If they are definitely coming- organise a hotel or air bnb. But you need to actually talk to them.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 16/11/2019 22:17

Just no, you do not need this. By all means tell them you are happy to see them but that they will have to stay elsewhere.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 16/11/2019 22:18

Fucking hell I wouldn't stand for that at all sorry. What the hell are they thinking? Can they not stay in a hotel/air bnb?

Can you maybe stay with your family? I know it's still more people than you want but you need to put your foot down, no they aren't staying and if he's too spineless to say otherwise you're off to your folks and he's not welcome.

You do not have to get over it Flowers

Gustavo1 · 16/11/2019 22:19

Oh no no no! Lovely, excited grandparents want to be included etc but 24/7 visiting is simply not ok. They can stay nearby or whatever but not in your home. You could labour at home for quite a while which would be excruciating with teenagers around. You might want to breastfeed comfortably in your own home, you may want other visitors to come by without them there too. You might just want to shut yourself away and cry a bit. I certainly did!
Tell whoever you need to tell now that you won’t be having houseguests so alternative arrangements will have to be made.
No haggling, no negotiation. Just no houseguests!

PieCannon · 16/11/2019 22:21

Are they planning to help? My in-laws happened to be staying for a week when I went into labour with my son. They were incredibly helpful with cooking and housework when I came home from hospital. MIL is a trained nanny and was very helpful in supporting me to establish breastfeeding.

I'm now pregnant with DC2 and my own parents will be coming to stay around my due date so they can help out.

In my family the assumption would be that the visiting relatives would be helping the new mum and baby.

Is that not the case here?

tenredthings · 16/11/2019 22:21

It shows massive insensitivity and lack of awareness on their part that they would think this is ok, so you are clearly going to have to be quite blunt to get them to realise it's a not on. Find them an air B and B nearby if they've already bought their flights and get your DH to step up and tell them that they can't stay at yours during this precious time.

Gustavo1 · 16/11/2019 22:21

What @Stormwhale said is spot on. You will never regret them not having been there. Them being there could make all the difference to your first couple of weeks as a parent though.
Don’t be afraid to make a decision that disappoints others. Their happiness is not your primary concern here.

PurplePuffinPicker · 16/11/2019 22:27

God, in laws is bad enough but having two teenage boys around while you're bleeding and sore and feeding the baby, leaking nipples?

The audacity of your in laws to even suggest never mind assume. I think you need to get graphic with DH about what the weeks after birth will entail for you and tell him why it's impossible for his parents and brothers to be there.

Potatoesx12 · 16/11/2019 22:28

The timing is terrible. No problem with them staying that long with you but not whilst you have a newborn / labour. 😦

Ihatesundays · 16/11/2019 22:29

Nope! The end of pregnancy can be hard work in itself without having visitors staying.
Need to establish this now.

Esspee · 16/11/2019 22:30

Who agreed to this?

Esspee · 16/11/2019 22:34

You need to let them know that they will not be able to stay with you ASAP by whoever accepted their decision when they announced they were coming.
I'm guessing it was your husband.

7salmonswimming · 16/11/2019 22:41

Remind your DH that his family now includes you and his soon-to-be-born child. That between his parents, siblings, wife and child, his child needs him and his protection and thoughtfulness the most. And that for the first two weeks of its life, that means the child needs his mother more than anyone on this planet. Which means you are not available for houseguests for more than a couple of hours at a time.

Definitely not two weeks.

It’s lovely they’re timing their trip for the baby’s birth, and no doubt they’ll have plans to be out and about with their sons etc. But you will not be able to handle them coming/going whenever and as they need to, using the bathroom when you need to, ensuring tea and food basics are available, ensuring you’re polite at all times etc.

Have them stay very nearby and ask if they’d come to visit in the hospital/when you get home, but tell them and your husband that you want privacy and space.

PS please please don’t use this “need to bond” rubbish. Bonding isn’t some magical fairy dust that gets sprinkled over a baby’s head by its parents showering it with love and going through the mill of nightfeeds. Or (worse), “skin to skin”. Bonding is the process of the child understanding you are it’s parents and it’s primary source of love and nourishment. That happens over days and weeks and months and years, with any number of people in your house. A two week visit from grandparents and uncles won’t affect the “bonding” process in the slightest.

Clymene · 16/11/2019 22:41

Your partner really needs to sort this out. It's not okay and he really needs to take responsibility for making sure that the woman who is about to give birth to his child is not stressed.

Original poster
Mummma2be · 16/11/2019 22:42

I’m so glad I’m not being unreasonable. My partner seems to think it’s only because they’re excited and don’t see us often but I’d be more than happy for them to stay for 2 weeks maybe a month or so down the track. Once I’ve got the hang of things a little better.

Unfortunately because our town nearly triples in population at the time (Christmas/New year) a hotel or air bnb isn’t an option because everything will be booked.

I also have my own family coming from out of town but they will be staying with other relatives and visiting when we are comfortable with them visiting. But at the moment I’ll probably be telling them not to bother coming until after my in-laws leave.

OP posts:
MollyHuaCha · 16/11/2019 22:42

Just no

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2019 22:45

Have they booked tickets yet op?

Mummyshark2018 · 16/11/2019 22:45

Don't want to repeat what others have said but are they limited to coming at a certain time due to the teenagers school holidays or are they specifically coming at that time because it's your due date?

I'm fairly lax about these things generally but 4 extra people (basically 4 adults) in your house at this stressful time is not right and I wouldn't be having it! . I'd tell them you want to see them but they need to book alternative accommodation. If they can afford 4 flights from oz then hopefully they can afford to book somewhere.

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