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Original poster

In laws coming to stay when baby is due

179 replies

Mummma2be · 16/11/2019 22:07

Hi all,

I need some advice. My in-laws have decided they’re coming over from Australia when my first baby is due. They will be staying with us and bringing their 2 teenage sons for 2 weeks. I’m horrified. This means I’ll have 4 extra people in my small house while I’m going into the first stages of labour as well as the few weeks of my babies life when my partner and I will be adjusting to life as new parents and trying to bond as a new family. It’s making me so anxious as I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy and I just don’t know what to do about handling this.
Everytime I bring it up with my partner he just doesn’t really say anything and tries to change the subject.

How did you deal with your in-laws staying over this period? Do I just have to get over it and deal with the fact that things aren’t going to be how I wanted them to be? It’s seriously causing me so much stress :(

OP posts:
TheHootiestOwl · 17/11/2019 16:42

Just, no.

megletthesecond · 17/11/2019 16:44

No. Under any circumstances.
They are almost certain to ruin your recovery and early days with your baby.

chocatoo · 17/11/2019 17:04

You will definitely not be able to cope with visitors in your home. If you are anything like me you are likely to be bleeding, uncomfortably constipated and struggling to breast feed as well as needing to be up half the night with the baby. You might well have some baby blues. You might have stitches that mean you need to sit and let the air get to them! You need to urgently find somewhere for them to stay. The only thing I can think of is if you cannot find anywhere else is that you beg your parents that they could they stay with them.

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Pol16 · 17/11/2019 17:19

It’s all been said but please, please, please don’t allow this to happen. I can’t believe the insensitivity of in-laws/parents who would think that this is a good idea. It’s not OK for your partner to be changing the subject when you mention it, he has to be on your side and stop it happening. I would definitely be staying elsewhere if this happened to me. You will feel incredibly vulnerable after the birth with hormones all over the place. Even if everything goes brilliantly you still need your own space and absolutely no visitors staying in your house. Stay strong!!!

Winterdaysarehere · 17/11/2019 17:23

Send them links now for alternative places to stay. Up to them to organise - not your worry.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/11/2019 17:31

Just one tiny practical detail - how many toilets and bathrooms do you have for those 6 people? This is not an insignificant issue, both when heavily pregnant and immediately post birth.

Soozikinzii · 17/11/2019 17:36

Air bnb seems a good option

AwdBovril · 17/11/2019 17:41

Do you plan to bottle feed or breastfeed? Even if you plan to breastfeed, it just doesn't always work, or the occasional bottle is needed or just more convenient. Are the teens prepared for you potentially disturbing them 2-3 times per night, plus first thing every morning, with a screaming baby in tow, for several minutes each time while you (or DH) feeds the baby?

TonTonMacoute · 17/11/2019 17:44

The fact that they even think this would be remotely OK is terrifying in itself, and a big red flag.

No, no no.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/11/2019 18:28

Oh my god.

Tell your spineless twat of a partner that he either finds somewhere for them to stay RIGHT FUCKING NOW, even if it's ten miles away, or tells them to change the tickets. Or you won't be in that house and neither will the baby.

cupoftea84 · 17/11/2019 19:08

You need to contact them and say it will be lovely to see you but there's not enough room to stay with us.

For me it was my DF. He wanted to come and stay after the baby was born. I said he was very welcome to visit but could he stay in a hotel. I don't think he took me seriously because he set off without a booking. He booked somewhere after he arrived.

I felt less guilty when I realised he was staying for 3 days when baby was 1 week old.

It wasn't nice. We were either sat around and he was bored or we went out and I was uncomfortable and just wanted to go home. Even having him staying elsewhere wasn't easy and that was only my DF.

Think bleeding, stitches, crying a lot, knackered beyond belief and a screaming new born 24/7.

Stand up for yourself now so expectations are set. It'll be much easier.

Sleepyhead19 · 17/11/2019 19:31

Did they book this before you knew you were expecting the baby? If they planned this, sorry but they are selfish idiots and I’d struggle to even speak to them. If it was booked before you were expecting, they are selfish idiots for not changing the dates as it goes without saying that you will need your space.
My sil had our in laws visit for long weekends when her baby’s were days old and I honestly don’t know how she managed it. Thankfully not there for the labour but having them staying in the house for 4-5 days must’ve been so stressful when trying to breastfeed and recover from difficult deliveries. She has never mentioned it but I am sure she’d have rather they waited or stayed elsewhere.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/11/2019 19:44

Tell them it won’t be convenient for them - you wake up several times at night and need access to the kitchen. You’ll only be waking them up. And then you and your DH will be up several times per night once the baby’s born.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 17/11/2019 19:47

OMG the toilet thing - without going into detail, I literally spent hours in the loo for the first two weeks after DS1 was born.

My MIL stayed in a nearby hotel, but visited each day. I remember being in the bathroom just sobbing whilst she stood outside asking if she could help.

Broom19 · 17/11/2019 19:54

Definitely not! No!

They cannot stay with you. Has DH got any other relatives they can stay with?

Also, first babies very often turn up late- they may end up flying home before the baby is even born (which would actually be a good thing for you!)

gamerchick · 17/11/2019 19:59

Personally I'd be telling my bloke in your shoes that if he allows this to go ahead then I'll be going to my mothers until they had gone and too bad of he misses the birth. stand your ground OP.

fee1234 · 17/11/2019 20:14

I second the toilet thing! I remember shouting through the house to DH "can you please google how big clots should be, you need to come and see the size of this" with him responding with "is it smaller or bigger than the palm of your hand?"

I can't even imagine what it would be like with other people in the house to overhear that and other postpartum related discussions!

CareOfPunts · 17/11/2019 20:41

Oh god the bathroom I spent most of my life in the bloody bathroom the first week. I had to pee in the shower because of my stitches and then when I stopped BF after a few days I had to shower before giving him a bottle as he’d go nuts if he could smell my milk. Can’t imagine accommodating another 4 people. And that’s not to mention the pads/bleeding etc i was dealing with as standard

CareOfPunts · 17/11/2019 20:42

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more unanimous on here. I hope you or your OH have made that call today telling them they can’t come.

BlouseAndSkirt · 17/11/2019 21:03

Oh gosh.

Poor OP.

Amongst all the ‘horror scenarios ‘ I was actually not an in-agony mess after the birth, please don’t let this thread scare you, of course there is healing and blood and taking a while to feel normal again, but plenty of people are up and about, if a bit gingerly.

However, the need for privacy is intense. You will start labour at home: I was most comfortable upright and spent time kneeling on the stairs leaning on a higher step, kneeling in the sofa leaning over the back, walking endlessly around the house. I didn’t want anyone to talk to me or disturb me. I was ‘in my cave’.

Labour is not a spectator sport. I couldn’t have done this with anyone other than DH in the house. In fact I sent my second birth partner, my dearest friend, home because I felt there were too many people.

I spent hours doing my breathing and going “Huuuuuuuh” a lot and quite loudly. I was fine, this helped me ride out labour, I was in my zone but no way could I have done that with 2 teenage boys and FIL in the house.

This is your time. Labour and birth is the one time when you can have everything your way. A woman given birth should never ever have to take anyone rkse’s Feelings into account.

happydays00 · 17/11/2019 21:10

Christ no @Mummma2be, this is an absolutely horrendous idea. With my first DC my in laws came over for 3 days about 5 days after DD1 was born. It was awful: DD1 did nothing but scream, we were exhausted, hormonal, uncomfortable and I just wanted privacy 90% of every day and night. For DC2, they waited nearly a month before visiting and if they hadn't decided to stay for a week it would have been a good visit. If we have another I suspect they will wait 4 weeks and stay only 2-3 days.

Good luck!

Lunde · 18/11/2019 00:09

Gosh your DH is being utterly spineless isn't he that he is prepared to put you through this awful situation because it is easier ... for him

  • you will be going through early labour at home - usually you will want to move freely around the house - not to have teens cluttering up the living room and having to queue for the bathroom! Stress like this could easily slow your labour.
  • When you come home you may not feel comfortable bfing in front on the whole family, you may have pain from bruising and stitches - is your DH really thinking that you should be banished to the bedroom?
  • you may want to sit on the sofa at night - or make yourself a nighttime drink or snack while feeding- what will you do without your living room?

It sounds totally hellish from people giving no thought to you at all - even though it will be you giving birth! WTF is your DH thinking

They need to be told

  • they cannot stay with you at all - they need to book a hotel, BNB, Air BNB, cottage, apartment or youth hostel for their stay

If your DH if not prepared to act like a reasonable person then I suggest that you go and stay with your parents and think about whether you actually want DH at the birth, Much of his role in the delivery room is to help advocate for your needs - but he seems totally unable to do this basic job with his own family!

managedmis · 18/11/2019 00:12

4 people, round trip from Oz for only two weeks? Really? Two teenage lads?

Lord above

Kinsters · 18/11/2019 02:30

Such a tough situation as they've already booked flights so its hard to say no now. I do think it's totally impractical though (especially the teenagers in the living room but really the whole thing).

For your own sanity you need to get them to change the flights and book an air bnb or hotel for when they're here. Plus I'd be suggesting that they take a few holidays within their holiday so they're not in your hair all the time.

If that's really, really not possible then the teenagers need to sleep on the floor of the spare room - the living room is not available as you will be using it throughout the night. You can get some blow up mattresses.

MsTSwift · 18/11/2019 08:06

Actually my in laws did stay a few nights after dd2 but our house is massive so it was actually fine but they did get right on my nerves as they sat waiting for us to do all the meals which is weird as mil a great cook and they munched through all the food my mum had made us (dd2 5 weeks early so we were unprepared) when dh wanted to order a take away fil said “but i don’t like curry” and I said “I really don’t care”.

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