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Original poster

In laws coming to stay when baby is due

179 replies

Mummma2be · 16/11/2019 22:07

Hi all,

I need some advice. My in-laws have decided they’re coming over from Australia when my first baby is due. They will be staying with us and bringing their 2 teenage sons for 2 weeks. I’m horrified. This means I’ll have 4 extra people in my small house while I’m going into the first stages of labour as well as the few weeks of my babies life when my partner and I will be adjusting to life as new parents and trying to bond as a new family. It’s making me so anxious as I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy and I just don’t know what to do about handling this.
Everytime I bring it up with my partner he just doesn’t really say anything and tries to change the subject.

How did you deal with your in-laws staying over this period? Do I just have to get over it and deal with the fact that things aren’t going to be how I wanted them to be? It’s seriously causing me so much stress :(

OP posts:

HelloDulling · 16/11/2019 23:19

There must be somewhere for them to stay, even at Christmas there can’t be absolutely no room at the inn. Get your DH to find a flat/hotel/ stable for them.

Delatron · 16/11/2019 23:20

I mean seriously. Two teenage boys in your living room? For two weeks after you have just give birth?

Crunchymum · 16/11/2019 23:21

I was in labour for 36h at home with DC1. Fuck having an audience!!

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aurynne · 16/11/2019 23:22

My DSis made the mistake of giving in to my mum and her two parents-in-law coming "for the birth" and staying in their tiny 2-bedroom flat for almost 3 weeks. They made her life impossible. Her labour was almost 2 weeks overdue, and her mother-in-law was putting pressure on her to give birth "because otherwise we'll miss it", and forced her to walk up and downstairs for hours. We often chatted online and she was crying in the middle of the night because there was not a single place in the house which was private and where she could go for a rest. Before they arrived, she found it hard to sleep, so she used to get up in the middle of the night and watch a movie, or read. She couldn't do it while they were there, because there were people sleeping all over the house, and on top of that, as soon as she stepped out of her bedroom, the in-laws and mum were all over her with hopeful faces, asking "Are you in labour???".

When she finally went into labour she was so stressed, and they were such a pain in the arse, that she ended up going to the hospital too early just to get rid of them, which of course resulted on a slow labour, induction and instrumental birth. Anmd all the time they were sitting outside the room texting her demanding updates about the birth.

Please, don't do it. Tell them to cancel the tickets or move them to later in the year. For your own mental health and for your labour and birth.

Good luck!

ELM8 · 16/11/2019 23:26

I'm gobsmacked that the people visiting think it's appropriate to stay with you.

Even more gobsmacked your OH isn't putting his foot down. Agree with previous posters, there must be SOMEWHERE else they can stay - OH has a lot of ringing around to do, and pronto.

CareOfPunts · 16/11/2019 23:27

Nope.

Where on earth do you live that the population increases 3x at Christmas?

Anyway that aside, just no. The first couple of weeks after my first baby I had leaky, sore boobs, bleeding, infected stitches, cabbage leaves in my bra, the fuck do you need 2 teenage boys sitting around when all that’s going on. You need to just tell them they can’t come.

isitxmasyet · 16/11/2019 23:27

I’d move out

This is completely unacceptable and I’m shocked your DH would think it’s ok
I’m shocked your in laws would think it’s ok too actually

MsJaneAusten · 16/11/2019 23:27

I spent my first 2 weeks after giving birth sitting around crying topless. No way would I want my in-laws there.

This. I didn’t even want my husband there, let alone visitors. You really, really need to put your foot down here. They will damage their relationship with you - and their grandchild - if they don’t find somewhere else to stay.

GreenTulips · 16/11/2019 23:28

Unfortunately because our town nearly triples in population at the time (Christmas/New year) a hotel or air bnb isn’t an option because everything will be booked

Are you in Bethlehem? If so I have a spare garage you’re welcome to. I have a dog but not cattle. Could provide a few bales of straw at a push.

Sounds better than the in-laws staying over!

ParadiseLaundry · 16/11/2019 23:29

You will never regret them not having been there.

This. Your DH is being ridiculous. It sounds like he just doesn't get it. I lot of men don't until afterwards when it's too late, and even then some still don't get it. Before the birth of DC1 DH wanted his brother to stay 2 weeks after my due date at xmas, I said absolutely not and absolutely everyone agreed and told him it was not a good idea (there were lots of other family members 5 mins away he had the option to stay with) Thankfully he listened and agreed in retrospect. You already sound like you find the idea stressful, he really needs to listen to you as that will be so important during labour when you might need him to advocate for you and the first few months of parenthood.

From another perspective, having unwanted houseguests and stressful environment could even affect your labour as it's so important in early labour that you feel relaxed and safe. I actually think not enough emphasis is put on this.

saraclara · 16/11/2019 23:32

What are they thinking? This is absurd - especially with two teenage boys sleeping in the living room!

I'd have completely lost it with my DH in your place. And you might need to in order for him to understand just how diabolical this idea is.

Iggii · 16/11/2019 23:33

If your town takes a lot of tourists that must also mean there are a lot of hotels/accommodation for them. Start looking now as otherwise they need to postpone. Or, they all stay in your house and you and the baby stay with your own family/friends

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2019 23:33

Since your husband is absolutely useless, you will have to be the one to act like an adult, call them, and tell them this isn't happening. If they do come, they will need to find a hotel or an AirBnB. Don't stand for this because it's outrageous.

saraclara · 16/11/2019 23:33

Does your Dh know you post here? Can you show him this thread?

ParadiseLaundry · 16/11/2019 23:34

Ah, sort of cross post with @aurynne. Although it makes my point very well. Your poor sister, that sounds like an absolute nightmare. Shame on them for treating her like that.

CareOfPunts · 16/11/2019 23:34

Actually just remembered when my first baby was born distant relatives of my husband were here from overseas (coincidentally, they hadn’t made a deliberate trip to us) and they came to visit and see the baby when he was 6 days old. I had infected stitched and mastitis and felt horrific. I just lay on my bed and cried I didn’t even go downstairs and see them. And they were only there for a couple of hours

BreadSauceHmm · 16/11/2019 23:36

No just no, this would be the stuff of nightmares for me. And 2 teenage boys hanging around while you're trying to get the hang of bf (if you want to bf) and potentially having to 'air' your lady bits after the birth (stitches/soreness)? Hell no!

What is wrong with some in laws?!! There are similar crazy MIL-coming-around-due-date posts almost every week on here. Surely they must remember what it felt like in their time?!

SKMCR · 16/11/2019 23:37

I spent my first 2 weeks after giving birth sitting around crying topless. No way would I want my in-laws there

^this. No way would i have anyone else living with me. The pain of trying to bf was immense.

helpagirloutplease · 16/11/2019 23:40

Is this your first baby? Demand your husband tells them politely to book a hotel and have somebody back you up.
You spend the first few weeks with a newborn between the lounge and the kitchen day and night. You can't put this stress on yourself

JaniceBattersby · 16/11/2019 23:42

Good God. This is crackers.

Nothing could have prepared me for how I felt after having my first child. Having the in-laws there would have seriously tipped me over the edge. They’ll have to go elsewhere.

BonnieSeptember · 16/11/2019 23:45

Agree with all posters, I had a member of family with me for every day (1 person staying for a week at a time x 4 as all our family live 2.5+ hrs away) during the 4 weeks after my partner went back to work after his paternity leave finished (I had an EMCS and was in pretty bad shape). They were amazingly good, made meals, cleaned, held baby to sleep so I could catch up on sleep. I was comfortable BF in front of them (and anyone tbh) so that wasn't a problem. EVEN SO, it was too much. I needed someone there to help with my partner was at work.

If I were to have another (unlikely) and could guarantee it would be a straightforward birth, I'd say a strict no to all visitors for at least a week back from the hospital, bar immediate (mums, siblings)

Have a word with your husband, if he won't listen - you need to tell them directly. I'd rather fall out with inconsiderate in-laws than have a house full at that time in my life

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2019 23:48

So if I need to get up and make noise I’ll feel like I won’t be able to tough luck on them. What if you need to get up to prep bottles, or raid the fridge at 3 am because your baby has stolen all your food? You do it and carry on. If tbryre tired point out tbryre living in a house with a newborn, what did thry expect.

Is there any family nearby who can have them?
What about the nearest town out? They don't NEED to be in your doorsteo

turnthebiglightoff · 16/11/2019 23:50

Absolutely fuck that. I couldn't walk or sit after having my baby; mainly laid on the bed with a fan pointing at my decimated fanny. Fuck in laws during labour. Fuck them when you bring the baby home as your first night at home as a 3. Fuck them. This has to be a no. They're not welcome, will be hugely in the way and make your life much more difficult. Hard no.

EL8888 · 16/11/2019 23:51

I’m confused about why some people’s vibe is “oh well, can’t be helped now”. It most definitely can. They had better get researching travelodges, Airbnb’s etc. Plus be aware they will need to entertain themselves for a lot of it as new mum and dad will be busy

I would 100% put my foot down and say no. It’s way too much of an imposition, 4 people staying for weeks at a time is a bit much. Never mind after just having a baby. This the kind of shit my ex in-laws would try to pull. Classic example was the MIL announcing she was staying with us for 3 weeks, from 2 hours we got back from honeymoon. Errr no she didn’t! It was particularly funny when she suggested my ex cancel an important business trip which had been planned for months, as it clashed with her visit. He stood up to her for once

saraclara · 16/11/2019 23:58

I don't understand how the communication went. Did they book without asking you at all? Did they ask your DH and he said yes without consulting you? Did you know they were planning to come but didn't put your foot down hard enough so they went ahead and booked?

Normally I would say it's down to the husband to deal with his parents, but in this case I think it's entirely okay for you to contact them and say that its just not possible. That the house is too small, that at this time it's absolutely not okay to have anyone sleeping downstairs, and that your midwife has said that you need to have your house to yourself during early labour and when you return with the baby. Send them some booking websites to help them find somewhere to stay.

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