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Original poster

In laws coming to stay when baby is due

179 replies

Mummma2be · 16/11/2019 22:07

Hi all,

I need some advice. My in-laws have decided they’re coming over from Australia when my first baby is due. They will be staying with us and bringing their 2 teenage sons for 2 weeks. I’m horrified. This means I’ll have 4 extra people in my small house while I’m going into the first stages of labour as well as the few weeks of my babies life when my partner and I will be adjusting to life as new parents and trying to bond as a new family. It’s making me so anxious as I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy and I just don’t know what to do about handling this.
Everytime I bring it up with my partner he just doesn’t really say anything and tries to change the subject.

How did you deal with your in-laws staying over this period? Do I just have to get over it and deal with the fact that things aren’t going to be how I wanted them to be? It’s seriously causing me so much stress :(

OP posts:

LilyAraminta · 17/11/2019 00:01

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Too bad they already booked tickets. That's their problem to sort. If they are out money they deserve it for thinking a brand new mom (health status post-delivery unknown) should be burdened with four houseguests and relegated to one bedroom while nursing/healing/figuring out parenting/etc.
What if you can't BF for some reason? What if you need to supplement feeds? You won't be able to just trundle down to the kitchen during the night in whatever state you happen to be in because two teenage boys will be down there.
Plus, I feel for those boys. I doubt they want to be crammed in a small house sleeping on the couch/floor while a newborn wails and their older sister in law has her boobs out/is dealing with and talking about tearing, leaking, bleeding, etc!
If you are comfortable sharing your location (even vaguely) with the Vipers of MN I bet we can find them accommodations, no problem!

MaraScottie · 17/11/2019 00:03

Noooooooooo.

That is insane. I'd use the excuse that the baby might not even arrive in that time, and ask them to rebook for 2 or 3 months down the line.

I'm stressed on your behalf OP

NotwhereIshouldbe · 17/11/2019 00:14

Definitely say no! My MIL invited herself to stay two weeks after I gave birth and I really wished I told her where to go. Not only was I expected to cook for her and entertain her as well as breastfeeding a newborn I had to endure her constant remarks that I was “spoiling” my two week old baby by picking her up every time she cried. MIL only wanted to come down and cuddle the baby and do fuck all so I used the excuse I was breastfeeding to not to let her handle her You need the last couple of weeks of your pregnancy to relax and should LO make an early appearance, recover and bond with your baby, not entertaining in laws!

Interested in this thread?

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Families

SandAndSea · 17/11/2019 00:33

No no no no no.

This is just awful!

I would have to book them somewhere else to stay or leave myself.

SandAndSea · 17/11/2019 00:35

Actually, correct that, it wouldn't be me booking it.

Mamibaer · 17/11/2019 00:36

My in-laws also live on the other side of the world and they came for 2 weeks 6 weeks after the birth. They stayed in a hotel nearby. For some reason they decided to bring some friends with them - an elderly couple I had never met before but who apparently were close to my DH when he was small and were "absolutely desperate" to meet his baby. Even though they were in a hotel, I even found this way too much of an imposition. I remember spending days alone crying and breastfeeding in the bedroom because they were all sitting around drinking tea in the lounge for hours. The last thing I needed with a new baby was total randoms there needing entertaining. My DH did the bulk of the work for them, but he should have been looking after me and DS. This was months ago now and I still look back with sadness and resentment at that time, and I don't think I'll ever forgive the in-laws for that.

Say no, full stop.

Bluerussian · 17/11/2019 00:55

PM me & tell me whereabouts you are.

I have a 2 bed 2 bathroom flat standing empty (will sell next year, waiting for probate), which is really lovely.

Also have a small one bed flat with a sofa bed in sitting room.

If you can't find anywhere nearby, you and your husband must explain to them that it isn't on so soon after having your baby - assuming your baby arrives when expected and he or she might, mine was five days early. I honestly didn't want more than one visitor at a time (& then not for long), for about six weeks and then only if they were quiet and prepared to do things to help. All I wanted to do was feed and sleep! I was fortunate in that my mum and in laws lived near and they took it in turns to come round and help out.

If I can help you I will but not much use if you live in Birmingham or Manchester.

timeisnotaline · 17/11/2019 01:17

My dh changes every nappy the first few days. I haven’t really been able to get out of bed. He cooks cleans does laundry and shopping and walks baby around, brings me tea and snacks. Is your dh going to do this for you , his parents and his younger brothers? The baby part is all night long. You need to make it pretty clear to him that many women have never forgiven their partner for not supporting them in those first few days with a baby. A long way down the track when your child is having a child you will be saying whatever you do don’t do it like your dad did because I hated his guts for not being there for me.

Hithere2 · 17/11/2019 01:26

"Dh,

I will be staying at my parents while your parents are here. I hope you have a nice visit with them.
I will contact you when or if I am ready for them to visit us (you and baby)"

And mean it. Your dh needs a reality check

Hithere2 · 17/11/2019 01:38

This is about the holidays but can be applied in this case too

www.marriagegeek.com/#/article/1647

Mrsmarrs · 17/11/2019 03:05

OP you need to tell your in laws that they cannot stay with you. I'm currently 8 weeks pp and the first two weeks were mentally and physically draining.... I personally felt like I had been hit by a bus, luckily my DH was happy to tell family that we would have no unannounced visitors (happened to close friends of ours) and when they did visit they were given an hour and a half time limit. I even had a code phrase "babe have you fed the cat?" In case I wanted people to leave before the time was up.

I'm horrified that anyone thinks having four extra people stay with you at such a vulnerable time is acceptable (especially with two teenager boys). Like previous people have said, at times I could barley string a sentence together, I walked around with a just my robe and underwear.... boobs leaking, giant pad bulge on show, engourged boobs out, piercing migraines from breastfeeding.... I was a mess but happy in the comfort of my own home.

Plus you don't want unsolicited advice on parenting while you and your husband are trying to get the hang of being new parents. My in laws are fine, it's my own mother who gave passive aggressive comments on our parenting skills which resulted in me telling her to keep her opinions to herself.

More importantly you cannot get that time back those two weeks are so precious. You'll want to be in that baby bubble, just the three of you.

I really hope you can get it through to your husband, show him this thread if you have to.

Good luck

FraggleRocking · 17/11/2019 03:21

When you’re in the final stages of pregnancy or you’ve just had a new baby, a 2 hour visit from family can sometimes feel draining let alone a 2 week stay.
Agree with others that you might need to show DH this thread. Seems like he needs a wake up on the situation.

OneDay10 · 17/11/2019 03:32

I would be prepared to fall out with my dh and my in laws if anyone tried this with me. Your first few weeks with a new baby and especially a first time mother, are so precious and one that you will never get back. If this time is taken over and leaves you with such a resentment it will destroy your relationship with them anyway.
So nip it the bud right now.
I cant believe how selfish they are to think this is ok to do to someone. Your dh is a spineless idiot.

Limpshade · 17/11/2019 04:21

Madness. Let's hope you're two weeks overdue

Seriously though, having two teenage boys in your living room over this period is bonkers. Show your DH this thread.

Honeybee85 · 17/11/2019 04:34

Just no.

You are entitled to privacy esspecially during this vulnerable time as heavily pregnant woman and a new mum and the fact that they even bring 2 teenagers along is massively insensitive towards you. What a selfish twats. Put your foot down now and say it’s not going to happen.

Yoollyball · 17/11/2019 05:51

They are being CF of the highest order - they know it is a huge imposition to pitch up like they are - their teenagers in the livingroom takes it up about 1000 notches. I bet their friends would be appauled at what they propose to do- any sane person would!!

Can you share where you are - i bet someone will know of somewhere we can put them!

MzHz · 17/11/2019 06:10

You MUST tell them that it’s not going to work out at all! If your oh wont tell them, you have to email them and say something along the lines of ordinarily we’d budge up and put you up, but with the new baby etc, it’s going to be too much pressure and upheaval for all and you don’t need to be stressed or feel that you can’t just go with the flow with the baby, you’ll need your space.

If the Airbnb isn’t an option (and they can book this now and lock it in) then they need to rebook the dates for a time that the Airbnb’s are with in budget.

4 large humans in a small space with a heavily pregnant woman or a brand new baby is going to be exhausting for all of them. Their jet lag alone could disturb you! Never mind the other way around!

If h won’t do it, you have to.
It’s too important to leave it to just happen.

EmMcK · 17/11/2019 06:21

Oh god no. You need space. And a degree of solitude to just be with your baby and DH while you try and get your head around this massive change.
I think @MzHz has a good way to put it

PlasticPatty · 17/11/2019 06:28

NO.
Absolutely not.
For the first three months you won't know your arse from your elbow. No-one should be coming to stay in that time.
If they move into your house, you must take the baby and move out!

Chip22 · 17/11/2019 06:36

No air bnb space in your town... they'll just have to stay in one in another town and hire a car to drive to see you whenever is convenient for you then ;)

BlouseAndSkirt · 17/11/2019 06:39

PieCannon it isn’t about the level of help, it is about privacy, and nesting.

I wanted to be completely away from the world in privacy quiet and solitude when I was in labour at home, and in the week before. When we came home I needed complete no pressure freedom and privacy excel when we asked people to visit.

I would be adamant that this is NOT happening. They come once the baby is born and rent a holiday cottage nearby.

BlouseAndSkirt · 17/11/2019 06:43

“Yes, they’ve booked their tickets already, from a few days before my due date until a week and a half after my due date.”

I would be telling my DH that either they go in a rented place or I would.

Christmaspug · 17/11/2019 06:51

For gods sake ,say no ..just no they are not staying here

mclover · 17/11/2019 06:52

Nope! Move into your mums

mclover · 17/11/2019 06:53

Also
If they can afford 4 plane tickets at Xmas time from oz which just be ££££ then they can afford to sort their accommodation

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