In laws coming to stay when baby is due

[Mummma2be]

Hi all,

I need some advice. My in-laws have decided they’re coming over from Australia when my first baby is due. They will be staying with us and bringing their 2 teenage sons for 2 weeks. I’m horrified. This means I’ll have 4 extra people in my small house while I’m going into the first stages of labour as well as the few weeks of my babies life when my partner and I will be adjusting to life as new parents and trying to bond as a new family. It’s making me so anxious as I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy and I just don’t know what to do about handling this.
Everytime I bring it up with my partner he just doesn’t really say anything and tries to change the subject.

How did you deal with your in-laws staying over this period? Do I just have to get over it and deal with the fact that things aren’t going to be how I wanted them to be? It’s seriously causing me so much stress :(

How can people be so thick and selfish?

I have sons.

I am fully aware that should I ever have DILs who have babies they will very likely feel that around childbirth they will want their Mums / be comfortable with their Mums and that they will need time and space as much as they need support and practical help. All of which I will do my best to provide on my own side of their boundaries.

I think you should show this thread to your DP, make him read what hes doing to you, to your relationship.

Frankly it wont recover if he fails you when you are at your most vulnerable.

When they turn up with nowhere else to go, then he'll realise how bad this is, but it will be too late, he will have not looked after you and your child at your most vulnerable.

A hotel or air B&B needs to be looked for. Yes your town gets booked up, but has anyone tried yet? Failing that, I would speak to your local family members who will put up your visiting family, would they take them in ?

Does his family need to stay in your town? Could they stay further away and visit you?

However much of an argument you think putting your foot down will cause, I'd advise you do it. If you don't then you risk building the kind of resentment that ruins relationships. If you are lucky it'll just be with your in laws, but quite likely you'd feel it towards your DH as well.

I would be furious with them as well as DH for thinking this would be a good idea.

I would email/call directly. Say there must have been a breakdown in communication as obviously there is no way it is appropriate for them to stay in your house while you go in to labour then come home with your newborn. Job done.

You need to act now OP though.

Because what every woman needs when she’s trying to coax a tiny stranger into trusting her with their entire life whilst simultaneously waddling round the house in a sanitary towel that could double as a lilo; trying to shit without swearing and giving passers by the impression that someone’s performing an exorcism on you (because piles and stitches do not make for a relaxing poo)is their father in law and two teenage boys hanging over them and sharing those special post birth moments like the midwifes daily visit to discuss your latch technique and the condition of your stitches.
Not forgetting you’ll be emotional, sleep deprived and the proud new owner of tits that will make you the star of your very own wet t shirt competition at the slightest peep from your baby, or in fact any baby, and sometimes even the neighbours cats if you’re really lucky.
Yep- fil really needs to witness all that fun stuff....
Your DH needs to find them alternative accommodations-have you considered renting them a caravan if there’s no hotels available?
This is one time to put yourself first op! My mil (who I actually really like) insisted on inflicting herself on me 24/7 after I had dd2 and i ended up with postnatal anxiety from constantly trying to mind my manners and look after guests while also getting over the delivery.

Just ask them where they intend to stay as it most certainly won't be with you. This sounds like a nightmare. If there is nowhere local then they will have to stay further afield. You absolutely cannot be dealing with a new baby with 4 extra people in the house and why on earth should you move out of your own home.

Tell your DH to sort it, and sort it now.

I have to add that this is not on. I have had 4 children, all different births ranging from emergency c/a under general anaesthetic to one straight forward! Even the straight forward one I was still completely exhausted and spent the first 3-4 days in bed with newborn. I could not imagine someone being in my house when I might drag my frazzled ass to the kitchen to make a cuppa, hair on end, leaky boobs, great big pads on for heavy period. My first I was in hospital for 5 days. The last week of pregnancy I just wanted to sleep while I could and get on with batch cooking etc. My mum came and stayed with us but she is my mum and I’m ok with her seeing me in the throws of labour, mooing like a cow! Would not want my in laws seeing that!
If the flights are booked you have to find an Airbnb nearby and they will have to suck up the cost of this. You can see them when you feel up to it. Do not do this, you have one time of being on your own with your precious newborn.

And supposing the baby's late? And you go into labour just as they're preparing to leave? They'll be wanting your dh to drive them to the airport when he should be supporting you.

Flights can be cancelled or rescheduled.

Don't feel pushed to a visit just because they have flights.

Once they are there, even if they get a hotel, ILs will still be a problem, camping at your home sunrise to sunset.

If you do not have the willpower to say no now, you won't have it when they go and visit.

Imagine going on to labour in front of the in laws and two teenage boys. The stress could really affect the birth. You have to put your foot down.

Everyone else has said it beautifully, but it’s bloody cheeky of them to ask! You need privacy and peace, not houseguests.

OP. Show your DH this thread.

OPs DH. You might not want to say no to your family, i understand you don’t want to upset them. But I promise you that if you continue this crazy idea you’ve agreed too your marriage will be over. She’ll either leave the last week of pregnancy to go and stay with someone to look after her, or it’ll bubble away with resentment and she’ll leave you when you think everything hunky dory a year later

You may not even have given birth by the time they leave (unless you are being booked in to be induced or for a section).

I also think your house is too small for 4 visitors for 2 weeks. I think you need to check again re accommodation as it sounds stressful

Just to add to the "fuck no" chorus.

Even if you breeze through birth and feel absolutely fine, baby latches well and breastfeeding is easy, baby sleeps from day one and you are well rested. It is your home and you do not want them there at that time. It is ok to say no. You absolutely need to say no. It is not appropriate or fair for them to take over your home when you are heavily pregnant/post partum. No.

Is it your BIL/SIL or PIL with younger children? If it’s your DH’s sibling they have to stay with their parents.
I really wouldn’t let that happen, how awful.

God no!. They aren’t staying in your home, find them somewhere else to say!. You will have 2 teenage boys there as you go into labour possibly. Then to come home with your new baby to a full house, where you can’t even use your living room. Not to mention the fact that 2 teenage boys will most likely leave the room untidy. Find them somewhere else to stay!. When I had my boys I couldn’t think of anything worse than entertaining people.

Anther voice adding to the Hell, No chorus.

I had a CS with my first. You can't lift anything heavier than baby for a few weeks, I found it difficult to stand up straight without pain, and so on. All on top of the other stuff already mentioned here.

Your DH is insane to think you'll be able to cope with visitors at this time. The only people you need to think about are you and baby, no one else. Your DH needs to be thinking about you and baby too, not about relatives staying.

Are you in-laws really that stupid? Tell them to fuck off! What a ridiculous thing for them to suggest. Besides you might be 2 weeks overdue!

Ooh nooooooooo no no no

That's such a bad idea. I spent two weeks in and out of bed, feeding, wandering around in pjs and doing not much else! Would have hated a houseful of people.

They will have to find alternative accommodation even if it's not that close to you.

Your partner will just need to say no it won't work. At all.

Fuck that op and I'm sorry but your dh should've told them to piss off

I'm gobsmacked they would even dream of imposing on you at such a time!! My MIL arrived to stay with us 3 weeks after DS was born and it was just about ok. I was breastfeeding too and faffed about with a nursing cover once or twice then just decided not to care. I wouldn't have been ok with male in-laws though.

OMG that's sch an incredibly stupid idea. You have to tell them that this will not work. Really you must. Can you imagine being in early labour, maybe water leaking everywhere, when you want to just be comfortable, and having an audience and no place to be in your own house?

And those first days with your first child are simultaneously precious and terrifying. You are just finding your feet. A house full of audience, plus teenage boys that you are probably not that close to? No no no.

Tell them they HAVE to find somewhere else. If there is really nothing nowhere reasonable distance, they have to change the travel plans.

I thought my FIL is pretty self-centered but when he visited a week after DS's due date (he had to take his leave that week), he stayed with relatives because he's a decent person.

Good God no. Really, you have NO IDEA how you will be feeling, when the baby will arrive. You REALLY don't want the son's in the living room. I had a planned c section with my first and struggled having my mother in law (who is lovely btw) over for a whole day. One day!! She made me food and drink. She held the baby. I was so so tired, I couldn't speak. I was desperate for her to leave after 3 hours.

Please, get them to reschedule.

This isn't on !! They are complete dicks to want to stay with you. Anyone in their right mind wouldn't even suggest this.

This is your 1st baby ? There's SO much involved when baby arrives, your baby is not going to sleep 12 hours solid. You'll feel like a feeding machine. The baby will cry , you'll cry... your body will be very sore and healing, all you'll want is your pjs. Your sleeping pattern will change. They're will be washing coming out your ears.

There's so much change, the last thing you need it's people all around your house.

You could go early you could go over, either way your body will be exhausted and you'll need to be building your energy either for the birth or dealing with a new born.

Your chances of PND will increase as you'll be trying to walk on egg shells and keep them happy.

I've had 5. On EVERY one of them I could not bare visitors for more than a hour or two.

Does your dh actually realise that with new borns you need the full run of your house. You need to be able to go to another room during the night, you can't do everything in one room. Even comforting a crying new born most end up walking room to room. What will you do ? Go out ? You don't know what kind of baby you are going to have, one of mine woke hourly, one fed every 2 hours, one thought night was day, one I had such bad pnd that I would sit and cry at nothing. One was born very ill and we ended up staying in hospital for 3 months. The list goes on. Does your dh think everything will be the same and wtf are these visitors thinking !!!!!