How can I get a job to fit round DH?

[TiceCream]

I’m sick of being a SAHM. We manage on DH’s middle management salary but I’m intelligent and I want to achieve something with my life. Plus I don’t like relying on DH and not having my own money. If we divorced or he died I’d be screwed.

DH is out at work 8am-7pm Mon-Fri. He has occasional overnight business trips that last 1-3 nights. He goes out to a music group one night a week as a hobby (not always the same night) and he also goes approx 20 weekend days out of the year for between 4 and 8 hours (sometimes Sat and sometimes Sun, it’s unpredictable).

DS is currently two and is with me pretty much all the time (except when I go out to my own hobby one night a week). We have no family or friends childcare available. I can’t see any time where I could rely on DH to definitely be available for childcare while I work, so I’d have to arrange paid childcare. The problem is in that scenario I’d have to earn enough to make it worthwhile. While we scrape by on DH’s salary there isn’t any left over so we couldn’t afford for me to work and make a loss.

I just feel trapped. If I had a good career in place before becoming a mum then I could go back to it and make a profit from day 1. But I don’t see how I can start from the bottom now when the salary won’t cover the cost of working? DH has suggested starting a business as that would be flexible, but I wouldn’t make any profit in the beginning so how could I pay for childcare?

When DS is 3 you'll qualify for 30 hours childcare. There'll probably be some expenses above this, so whatever they are you'll pay half and DH will pay half. If he argues about this, then childcare becomes his problem.

So that helps the financial side of things. Which means you can afford to work, if you want to put DS in childcare now/soon. If you don't, then start thinking now about any training you could do at home, online, distance learning etc so that you can look at starting a new career when he goes to school.

30hrs childcare if you're both in work, that is.

It sounds like you either need a job which would more than cover childcare costs or your DH needs to make a sacrifice to be available. If you had a job which was 2-3 evenings a week and/or one weekend day 8 it would mean your DH missing his music group and weekend day out sometimes, but not all the time.

What sort of job are you thinking of? Is it literally anything Ie bar work, supermarket work, cleaning, around your DHs hours or are you thinking you want 9-5?

Get a weekend job and he’ll have to cope with missing knitting club or whatever it is he does on that day.

Or wait until your son is 3 for 30 hours.

I’m retraining in computer science and artificial intelligent. I have an engineering background

Exactly the same as you. We have no childcare and kids that need it.

Computer programming means I can remotely worm and choose my hours. Perfect and junior jobs start at 60k.

You need something you can do from home with a laptop. Do you think you would be any good at something techy like coding?

I always think I'd like to be a professional subtitler. Presumably that's something one could do from home. Just watch DVDs and type in the dialogue as it's said. (Probably massively over simplifying!)

I’d wait until he’s 3 then you can get a job and 30 hours free childcare. I’m the only who does pick up and drop off for our DD so I chose a childminder who is a bit flexible if there’s traffic or something comes up at work.
The other option is he sacrifices his hobby so you can work at the weekends but I’ve always been reluctant to do that as I don’t want to lose all my family time unless it’s absolutely essential (which I get for a lot of people it is)

Where would you find a junior computer programming job working from home for £60k?

I have similar circumstances- SAHM, DH who works very long hours so can't do childcare, no previous high-earning career. My DC are now at school & I have a zero hours contract with the county libraries which works very well. They offer me cover work when they need it, I can turn it down if I'm not available (if DH is between contracts & working for my parents I can be). The pay is not great, just over minimum wage, but I enjoy the work & doing something more than being mum.

Do you have any qualifications or experience in anything?

Btw Op- a few things in your post you don’t need to worry about:

-Working 8-7- presume this is 9-5 with travel. He’ll just have to stop working the extra hour a day

• business trips overnight- probbaly not an issue as occasional and only need to be considered if you decide to work nights
• his hobby- he’ll have to fit this around your work

Hobbies come second to work if necessary.

You and he know that you're not just here to facilitate his life without him ever having to bend or compromise, right?

I know a couple of people who've started working late or night shifts in supermarkets stacking shelves and enjoying it much more than they imagined. I'm sure I remember one of them saying their food bill had gone down because of staff discount and being there to buy stuff marked down each day.

Might be something to consider?

What sort of job are you thinking of?
Truthfully I don’t know. A career type job with some intellectual challenge and a reasonable salary to support myself and DC in case the unthinkable happens. It’s not really about the money because we already scrape by but I can’t afford to make a loss. I wouldn’t mind working evenings or weekends but it seems like there’s only unskilled work available unless you work weekdays.

Working 8-7- presume this is 9-5 with travel. He’ll just have to stop working the extra hour a day
It’s not optional to work the extra hour. He’s salaried so is expected to work whatever hours are required to get the job done. Sometimes he works even later. Sometimes he goes in early too.

Do you think you would be any good at something techy like coding?
I actually coded websites about 15 years ago. It was mind numbing. I can guarantee it doesn’t pay £60k for a junior role! Maybe £16-20k for a full time job if you’re lucky. Of course technology has moved on now so my skills will be outdated.

Do you have any qualifications or experience in anything?
I did a Masters in business then programmed websites, but the pay was crap so I switched to teaching A-level. That was fine until the salaries were cut to virtually min wage and we were all reclassified as temp workers to save money. The FE sector has been decimated and wouldn’t offer the hours or salary to make it worthwhile going back.

What about part time PA work? That could grow into EA or project manager type roles as your kids grow up and you have more time. I've found a role that is 4hrs per day with flexibility to work from home and swap hours around when needed. This means I can still work if DD is home sick, and when DH is away as we have no back up/family support. It also means that I'm staying relevant and can go back to EA/project management when the kids are older and I won't have been out too long. The pay brings in an ok amount after daycare fees but we're thinking of the longer term picture. Totally understand you can't afford to make a loss- this was our same situation.
Put some feelers out in local mum groups and network with old contacts.

You need to be much more specific about the type of job you want to do and what your specific skills are. And you need a plan to get a job. If that's your CV you won't be successful by just applying for advertised jobs.

It sounds like you will need childcare. Remember that the cost of this will come from both of your salaries. Does your DH get childcare vouchers?

Tutoring would work. As would teaching English online. A lot of places require you to be available for Chinese hours so afternoon/evening and weekends. You need a headset and a decent WiFi connection.

Don't take his hobby time into account when considering what hours you can work, that's unrealistic. Hobbies have to fit in around work, not the other way around, and that goes for both parents.

You may qualify for some return to work programmes with big companies (most but not all require industry experience) or you may realistically need to do some kind of conversion qualification depending on the direction you choose. Retraining in another area of programming might be your best bet if money is important, or project management or a combination of the skills on your CV would suggest an IT trainer role.

That or do whatever the in service secondary teacher training is an get QTS while working, if you actually want a full time teaching career (wouldn't recommend that with preschool children, bit it's an option).

www.reed.co.uk/career-advice/is-a-project-management-course-right-for-me/

I think you should be an IT project manager A widely recognised professional qualification done now will definitely help bridge the returner gap, and you can make your previous CV appear to "lead up to" and show relevant skills and experience for this "vocation".

Working 8-7- presume this is 9-5 with travel. He’ll just have to stop working the extra hour a day
“It’s not optional to work the extra hour. He’s salaried so is expected to work whatever hours are required to get the job done. Sometimes he works even later. Sometimes he goes in early too.”

I work with lots of men who tell their wives this- believe me he doesn’t need to be there. What do you think us women who need to do nursery pick up do?

I wonder if initially, at least, you would be best of targeting the FE sector- not necessarily for teaching - as at least you have background and they are generally a more flexible employer too.

I do agree your CV is quite limited and bitty to targeting much else, if you don’t want to do unskilled jobs.

Sometimes it’s the shoe in the door that matters. Once you get into a job all sorts of opportunities open up

Don't over think it op. Just get any job to start with, then you'll start to see where you want to go. Its easier to work when they're this age as you don't need term time only, but that could be an option for you? Childminders are cheaper than nursery.

Just apply for anything that looks vaguely interesting. Is there a uni near you? An admin position could lead anywhere, especially with a masters.

Going over the details will the you in knots and you'll go round in circles. Just take action! Good luck!

Where do you live? That will make a difference to responses

I would go see a recruitment agency and ask them to be completely honest with you.

Your DH is going to have to be more flexible. Hobbies work around jobs. Can he work from home 1 day a week?

In your shoes I’d look at evening work in anything you can get just to build up some cash reserves, get you out of the house and potentially make contacts. Then you can think about what you really want to do and make a plan.

Can you get in touch with anyone you used to work with? JOin a networking group? I’m not in the UK but do you have something like Zonta which is a women’s networking group or toastmasters??

Some of the replies! . OF COURSE you don't need to fit round your husband. He MUST support you in your drive for go answer independence. It is YOUR RIGHT. So, figure out the job want, get it and sit down with him and work our what changes he can and will make to support you. That could include cutting his hours. Before anyone says this isn't possible- EVERY SINGLE WOMAM I KNOW IN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT has done this. He same right for flexible working.

Also you don't have to worry about covering childcare, he has to pay half and even if this means your household is temporarily slightly poorer, you are investing in your future. And your child's!!!

Right. Go forth and earn OP. It's 2019, DH will have to adjust.

Agreed, @Passthecherrycoke. Your DH is going to have to be flexible and make sacrifices too — any decent marriage where both spouses work operates on mutual consideration and flexibility. Your job in life is not to get out of his way, so that he can behave as though there’s a SAHP servicing his professional life.

And he’s just going to have to work smarter, rather than longer. Other people in his role also need to juggle childcare pick-ups. When DS was little, DH was a director in a huge company, and there were times he had to end board meetings because of childcare. No one died.