How can I get a job to fit round DH?

[TiceCream]

I’m sick of being a SAHM. We manage on DH’s middle management salary but I’m intelligent and I want to achieve something with my life. Plus I don’t like relying on DH and not having my own money. If we divorced or he died I’d be screwed.

DH is out at work 8am-7pm Mon-Fri. He has occasional overnight business trips that last 1-3 nights. He goes out to a music group one night a week as a hobby (not always the same night) and he also goes approx 20 weekend days out of the year for between 4 and 8 hours (sometimes Sat and sometimes Sun, it’s unpredictable).

DS is currently two and is with me pretty much all the time (except when I go out to my own hobby one night a week). We have no family or friends childcare available. I can’t see any time where I could rely on DH to definitely be available for childcare while I work, so I’d have to arrange paid childcare. The problem is in that scenario I’d have to earn enough to make it worthwhile. While we scrape by on DH’s salary there isn’t any left over so we couldn’t afford for me to work and make a loss.

I just feel trapped. If I had a good career in place before becoming a mum then I could go back to it and make a profit from day 1. But I don’t see how I can start from the bottom now when the salary won’t cover the cost of working? DH has suggested starting a business as that would be flexible, but I wouldn’t make any profit in the beginning so how could I pay for childcare?

Don't forget to factor in tax-free childcare (covers 20%)

randomsabreuse I've never in my life paid to park at work, and have worked for emoyers (excluding periods of self employment and as a sahm) for 20 years...

Is that a common thing to do?

• employers

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/childcare-costs/

I'm also thinking DH might have to change his hours - it's good for your kids to see you working as well so it is in their interests for you to be working and he should support you by finding something perhaps lower pressure or negotiating fewer hours/flexibility.

It's all very well women negotiating flexibility but men really need to start asking for it too.

Let’s assume I can get 8-6 childcare for £50 a day as a pp suggested. A min wage job for 7.5hrs pays £55 a day after tax and NI. I’d spend more than £5 on petrol. So I’d be slightly out of pocket before I even consider that it might cost to park my car, my insurance will go up, wear and tear on my car will increase, I’ll have to buy work clothes and possibly the occasional coffee or lunch. With the additional expenses (particularly parking) I’d be thousands of pounds out of pocket over the year. Earning min wage only works financially if you can get benefits to top you up - which I can’t because DH earns too much.

Don't forget to factor in tax-free childcare
I could claim £2000 a year towards childcare. That might cover the cost of parking my car.

he should support you by finding something perhaps lower pressure
Given that I won’t be making a profit by working for minimum wage, he can’t afford to take another job that pays less.

If the status quo is a "vicious circle" in which the OP's husband's life can't be impacted because they rely on his salary, but the OP's priority is to break this circle by getting back to work, the bullet has to be bitten.

For whatever reasons, convincing or unconvincing, selfish or reasonable, the OP's husband is insisting that he cannot be relied upon for evening childcare.

Op is not willing to call him out on his unconvincing tales of the absolute impossibility of her husband working more flexibility or suspending his out of the house hobbies.

Evening and weekend work won't get the OP experience useful for CV building and for the kind of (currently vaguely defined) well paid work she wants long term anyway.

Tbh I now think I recognise the OP as someone who has posted before lamenting not being able to work but unwilling to actually do anything - insistent she needs to spend money on retraining from the outset despite having absolutely no idea whatsoever what she wants to retrain as (so likely to throw money down the drain on the wrong thing) and despite already having two different postgraduate qualifications.

It's quite frustrating to have been trying to give the OP advice when she doesn't engage except to shoot selective things down or defend her husband after setting him up as a nasty lying controlling misogynist.

I think it would be good if there was a "not actually after advice, just want to complain" section so we'd know not to engage except to to say "yes you're right, it's totally impossible, poor you".

TiceCream if you work 3 days a week for minimum wage you won't pay any tax at all as you'll be under your personal threshold.

When I was working in low level professional jobs, parking was only available for "senior" staff - the hoi polloi had to make do with commercial parking options in the area. Most city centre professional services firms don't actually have any parking of their own. Pre kids I used to do convoluted journeys to minimise cost (car then train/bus) - often childcare timings mean you need to be as close as possible - and obviously time spent travelling is unpaid but childcare still costs...

Hospital parking is pretty well never free for staff, usually a substantial cost and you might well not get a space.

Planning rules and council policies are trying to reduce parking at business parks too!

Obviously less of an issue for those who live in town centres

@AgnesGrundy think tax free childcare requires both parents to earn a minimum amount each - and childcare vouchers are no longer open to new applicants!

With a masters in business you'd also be able to get a job above minimum wage, even if a "low level" job relatively speaking. You'd be able to expect more like £11-12 per hour than £8.21, given that you do have post graduate business qualifications and IT/ Web design and other useful experience.

OP, I think you need to raise your expectations.

Of your husband.

Of your ability to earn more than a NMW job with your qualifications and experience.

And of yourself and your ability to achieve what you set out to do.

I agree that you cannot rely on your husband, despite that you should be able to. You won't convince him to take any childcare responsibility because it is inconvenient for him and he is selfish. Rather than forcing him, because I suspect he will sabotage you (failing to do pickup and making it all your fault, not taking care of the DCs properly, leaving the house in a state for you to come home from work to, etc), I think you should start to make plans just for yourself. To get some freedom from the trap you are in. I couldn't live with the resentment towards such a selfish arse.

Start small. Do some tutoring, start a little self employed business, be as flexible with your hours as you decide, get an au pair, CM or a local babysitter to watch the DC for a few hours in the after school slot (for tutoring). Build it up until you can sustain yourself, and then LTB. You will be way better off single, claiming top up benefits and Child Maintenance, and having EOW free.

Do you have your own bank account? Is child benefit the only income you have?
Yes and yes.

So your DH earns

randomsabreuse I thought either parent could qualify, but my knowledge is out of date. The money saving expert site is usually good though and worth browsing for the OP.

You’re playing the “yes, but” game.

Even a minimum wage job would be worth it, given that you’re married to someone who, at best, does not “have your back”.

And with your qualifications you could earn more.

You can’t afford to be financially dependent on DH.

@AgnesGrundy

Childcare vouchers don't need both parents to earn enough, tax free childcare and 30 hours both do. Tediously higher rate tax restricts childcare vouchers. Can't remember the exact amount but 30×NMW rings a bell. You have a year from starting self employment to "make" (not sure if profit/turnover) the amount.

Have looked into it as I'm also trapped by DH's job (vet) and the money problem with making the switch. Add in a bit of imposter syndrome and a while out of substantive employment (I have a 2 hr/week job linked to a hobby) and it is very hard!

think tax free childcare requires both parents to earn a minimum amount each

It quite low though, equivalent to 16h on NMW.

The issue isnt about childcare costs it's about you being trapped and your OH not listening to what your needs are. The current set up works for him and he is not having a conversation about how things might change to work for you too. In an ideal situation you would both be looking at your options as a partnership- maybe for you to retrain now, to have a job that builds your confidence/portfolio/employability in order that by the time you do qualify for 16 or 30hrs free childcare you are ready to take advantage of it. At the moment, your OH is offering you no present and no future and that sucks.

*So your DH earns

why dont you sell the too expensive house then? - why did you agree to it... you seem very passive and squished down....and in a vulnerable position...
its not up to your mum - this is your life... spend some money on help for your DC sleep that is not normal - maybe check out allergies.reflux/ have you spoken to GP ?
if not maybe a sleep consultant or a behaviour management plan - does your local childrens centre run parenting classes because you can't be held to ransom by that... its manageable as you are off but it cant hold you back...if you were both working how differently would you treat it (your mum was a sahm you said so no incentive to change your behaviour either so 'being genetic' is crap)

Maybe find a part-time job and part time childcare... if you as a family have money for fancy car/hobbies you can afford a minor dip in cash if the cost of childcare is about the same when you start - ... maybe dh can have packed lunches ..
part time jobs do not have to be min wage or shelf stacking.. long term wheres your pension at ???

look at your local councils/nhs/schools/colleges ...you dont have to teach there are lots of jobs in education.... I went from project manager to part time admin (with an phd) am now full time web devpt for council 5 years later.... there is stuff out there with your qualifications - yes the money is not as great as my corporate job but I got bored with being a SAHM - my friend is now running events/conference bookings at the local college - from being a lecturer.....

that's utterly shit for you OP. HE earns enough to pay childcare for HIS children so why is it only your responsibility and cost?

And only having £20 per week for your own money is unacceptable in a marriage.

Without sounding massively rude you either want to work or you dont.

My oh works 10 hour days and goes on business trips, I go to work evenings and mornings/evenings at the weekend. We have kids that dont sleep, were both tired all the time but he has just as much responsibility to parent as me doesnt matter that he earns 3x as much as me. I know you want a "skilled job" but I'm better off doing "unskilled" work and I earn £10.50 an hour so everything I make Is profit. It's not just about the money though, its about me having time out of the house and my own identity too.