How can I get a job to fit round DH?

[TiceCream]

I’m sick of being a SAHM. We manage on DH’s middle management salary but I’m intelligent and I want to achieve something with my life. Plus I don’t like relying on DH and not having my own money. If we divorced or he died I’d be screwed.

DH is out at work 8am-7pm Mon-Fri. He has occasional overnight business trips that last 1-3 nights. He goes out to a music group one night a week as a hobby (not always the same night) and he also goes approx 20 weekend days out of the year for between 4 and 8 hours (sometimes Sat and sometimes Sun, it’s unpredictable).

DS is currently two and is with me pretty much all the time (except when I go out to my own hobby one night a week). We have no family or friends childcare available. I can’t see any time where I could rely on DH to definitely be available for childcare while I work, so I’d have to arrange paid childcare. The problem is in that scenario I’d have to earn enough to make it worthwhile. While we scrape by on DH’s salary there isn’t any left over so we couldn’t afford for me to work and make a loss.

I just feel trapped. If I had a good career in place before becoming a mum then I could go back to it and make a profit from day 1. But I don’t see how I can start from the bottom now when the salary won’t cover the cost of working? DH has suggested starting a business as that would be flexible, but I wouldn’t make any profit in the beginning so how could I pay for childcare?

Have you done a local job search op yet ?

OP have a look into being a virtual assistant - you could do it from home with very limited set-up costs, and it's a growing market.

"DH has frequently complained that he married a postgraduate and didn’t expect to be in this situation where his wife has failed to achieve a well paid career and can’t earn enough to cover childcare."

He just gets more and more charming the more we learn about him.

I think he's got you exactly where he wants you, which is fully dependent on him, looking after his house and children, with no confidence to do anything about getting yourself a job and some financial independence.

The more you write about your dh, the more emotionally and financially abusive he is.

Get a job, go to a lawyer and divorce him. Your child does not need to see his/her mother humiliated like this everyday

And this is how women are institutionally disadvantaged in earnings, pensions and career opportunity. The status quo suits men. Women don't recognise the risk until they are trapped in it, often.

The point about working not being worth it - this is only true for as long as you are paying full childcare which is a short time in your life. Once DC qualifies for the free hours and is at school, the sums look different. Plus if you want to work your way up in a job, it surely helps to start sooner rather than later.

I don’t actually think his salary is that stupendous - I earn similar as a single parent with no support - which is not to brag in any way but simply to point out that the idea that he can only earn this salary with you at home looking after DC is manifestly false.

In terms of having nothing to hide with your spending, what would happen if you started to go to therapy to recover your self-esteem on his credit card, would he object to that? Although I need to be clear that I think he is the cause of your lack of self-esteem, the qualifications and earnings comment is awful. Loads of people working in caring and third sector professions struggle with childcare costs and they do a valuable job - childcare is expensive!

Another SAHM mum complaining about their lot? Didn't you make the choice to have a child and give up work? Didn't you think it would be lovely not to have to work, but the reality is boring and humdrum?

I know plenty of mums who've gone back to work with small children and made it work. It's a choice, if you don't want to, don't make excuses.

Do you think your DH loves you?

Does he respect you?

Your life seems to be entirely about what he wants. He wants the super expensive house. He wants the flash car. He wants the Stepford wife to facilitate the job. He wants to keep up his massively time consuming hobby.

You are there to facilitate all the wants. He’s backed you into a corner - he can’t change the job because the car and house cost too much. You can’t get a job because then you wouldn’t be able to support apparently the only job that can fund the house and the car.

When was the last time he applied for another job? How does he actually know what the market rate for his skills is if he’s not putting himself out there and negotiating hard?

And for you, can you afford counselling or a career coach? Counselling for choice. You sound very downtrodden and like your self-esteem is at rock bottom. It’s worth unpicking why.

In your shoes I’d start with what you have. You’re a qualified teacher - coaching is booming in most places. A masters means that your skills are even more useful. That helps you to build up your nest egg. Yes it will eat into some evenings - but fuck it, you can’t start a business without putting in the hours.

DH has frequently complained that he married a postgraduate and didn’t expect to be in this situation where his wife has failed to achieve a well paid career and can’t earn enough to cover childcare.

Start complaining that you married a thrusting career executive and didn't expect to be in this situation where he is treated like the company's bitch and doesn't earn enough to cover childcare so that you can get a job.

See how he likes it.

I’ve RTFT so I know it’s moved on from the original question. For what it’s worth with your qualifications and background I believe you could walk into a well-paying “tech” job as a project manager, delivery manager or product manager. Ex-teachers especially make excellent delivery managers trust me!

On the confidence, don’t put yourself down so much. You didn’t get all those qualifications for nothing. You can do this.

You could do many many jobs op and use the sort or 8 til 6 wraparound childcare that people use all over the country every day

I do all pick ups from childcare and my husband works very long hours. I have a good job. Lots of people I work with leave work at four or five to pick up kids.
Its really very normal to do office work and get home on time for kids

Don't overthink this . Just start looking for work and find the childcare after.

@noodlezoodle she already does that for DH!!!

Start working out how you would organise things if you were working full time. What childcare is available locally, have you visited it? What is the cost? Do they offer the 30 free hours? Are there any options which mean that your DH could do pick ups and drop offs eg maybe two days per week you book wrap around care from 8am to 7pm so he can do that and you can work late? He can leave early once a week as well, or ask for flexible working/to work from
Home 1 day a week because he's got a young child and a wife who works. Split the cost of childcare between two, and think long term - you might just break even now but by the time your child goes to school you'll be in a good position. Will also give your DH time to spend with his child. Win-win.

Serious lols at the teaching recommendation! You'll be working 60 hours a week yourself if you do that.

What do you actually want to do career wise OP- ignoring the constraints of DH and childcare? I think you need to consider this and then plan how to get there. There isn't really any point going to a job you hate as that is really where you are now. I struggle to see how you'd be that much more financially secure in a sense as if these jobs ( mw/requires little training) are so easy to get into surely you could get into them if you got divorced rather than planning ahead.
Re DH- can you sell it to him as offering more security to you as a family? I would love my SAHP to have a career/job that gave us some protection in the event of me losing my job. when I was made redundant I felt very exposed as he had no ability to get a job that would a) cover essentials or even b) allow me to drop my salary.
I do think that childcare is an issue - its not a case of your salary doesn't cover the childcare but that your combined salaries wouldn't cover childcare which is different so I would second the wait until DC is 3. However, assuming DH's salary doesn't change you do need to have a job that in 2-3 years time will pay more than childcare costs- as childcare costs do not go away when your child hits school. I do think you should think about whether any teaching based jobs would work for you given your background and the fact they are term time...

Name changed as a bit outing, but I have the same masters as you and have set myself up as a freelance business trainer. The money is good, about £200 per hour of training delivered (obviously marketing, prep, travel and admin are included) and I can pick your own days booking a babysitter where needed. It's not full time but it is at a high level, very mentally stimulating and nowhere near as hard as FE as mostly very motivated adult learners.

Change projects (eg in IT) always have needs for trainers. “Change and training”. It can be flexible.

You need to think long term. I left my career after DC1 as it was too difficult but started again. Yes my first role had low pay & childcare was more than my salary but 2 roles on its double that & I have flexibility plus career progression. When the youngest is in school, I can work more days & progress further.

I'll go against the grain here. Work isn't the be all and end all and there are plenty of working people who aren't financially independent due to the cost of living and are going to struggle to make decent pension payments. MN can also have a bit of a thing about 50:50 divisions in work and childcare which doesn't work well for every family.

If its not the exact right time to go back to work that's OK. It might be more productive long term to focus on your DCs poor sleep as it sounds like you are both just emotionally breaking even dealing with that.

I also agree your DH's job sounds difficult. My DHs job doesn't have a macho culture but he can be sent almost anywhere in the country on projects and often at short notice and I get how that kind of thing can leave you 100% responsible for childcare.

Looking at local options for work and childcare would be a good start. Things may look very different financially when you get the free hours.