How can I get a job to fit round DH?

[TiceCream]

I’m sick of being a SAHM. We manage on DH’s middle management salary but I’m intelligent and I want to achieve something with my life. Plus I don’t like relying on DH and not having my own money. If we divorced or he died I’d be screwed.

DH is out at work 8am-7pm Mon-Fri. He has occasional overnight business trips that last 1-3 nights. He goes out to a music group one night a week as a hobby (not always the same night) and he also goes approx 20 weekend days out of the year for between 4 and 8 hours (sometimes Sat and sometimes Sun, it’s unpredictable).

DS is currently two and is with me pretty much all the time (except when I go out to my own hobby one night a week). We have no family or friends childcare available. I can’t see any time where I could rely on DH to definitely be available for childcare while I work, so I’d have to arrange paid childcare. The problem is in that scenario I’d have to earn enough to make it worthwhile. While we scrape by on DH’s salary there isn’t any left over so we couldn’t afford for me to work and make a loss.

I just feel trapped. If I had a good career in place before becoming a mum then I could go back to it and make a profit from day 1. But I don’t see how I can start from the bottom now when the salary won’t cover the cost of working? DH has suggested starting a business as that would be flexible, but I wouldn’t make any profit in the beginning so how could I pay for childcare?

Is there a uni near you? An admin position could lead anywhere, especially with a masters.

I think you are massively underestimating how competitive these types of jobs are. Admin is one of the fastest shrinking job families as admin tasks are being replaced by tech (yes, I know, not all jobs, but a helluvalot). Last time I advertised for an admin job in a university I got over 100 applicants and someone with the OPs CV would get nowhere near the shortlist.

That said some universities have bank staff who do low skilled tasks at peak times and being a good bank can lead to other opportunities.

What kind of childcare are you looking at, maybe that’s the issue. Even on NMW it covers childcare here for one child.

For the same reasons as you I was a SAHM until my youngest started school, it was much easier to return after that point.

I second the poster who suggested IT project management. Could you use the time now to do a course?

If you have a flare for teaching and have a degree would you consider a PGCE? In shortage subjects Teach England (I think) will pay for you to qualify. You would need to meet the local uni entrance criteria and have done a certain amount of time in a classroom first.

Good luck!

You can't base a career around your DH, that's how you end up in a dead end job. If you're really fed up of being a SAHM and want a career you've got to see it as a long term gain beyond the initial short term financial complications. I didn't have my career in place, I had to study while commuting, spent a stint bringing in next to nothing but by the time my kids were in school I was out earning my DH, on more than triple what I was earning when I had my first.

In short, you both need to find the childcare to fit around your jobs, not a career around your DH, that's asking to be treated as a lesser priority, for your career to work you both have to view yourselves as equals (no matter who brings in the most).

What did you do before you had your child?

It shouldn't be a matter of you fitting around your DH - you should both have equal opportunity to build a career and both of you should be fitting that around the childcare needs.

If my daughter learns one thing from me I want it to be not to put up with this kind of crap about the man's important and inflexible career and insist on an equal arrangement. Women in the same sorts of jobs some how miraculously manage to get flexibility from their employers, I think the only reason men don't is because they don't bother asking .

And breathe.... off to put the soap box away!

DH and I both have full on careers. When DC’s were young we split the responsibilities - one dropped off at nursery/ breakfast club and the other collected. Time off to cover illnesses and holidays was split. I work overseas regularly although not frequently and we juggled this between us. We don’t have family in the UK. On one occasion DH has to leave his GP’s surgery early to collect an unwell DS when I was too far away.

If you're an A level teacher, look at private tutoring which can be done online. I do GCSE private tutoring for £30ph

You can afford to work for a loss when a) the loss is short term (until your childcare gets cheaper when the kid goes to school, b) by taking on that loss you are investing in the next 40 years of your career.
Do not look at the short term cost; look at what you stand to lose In future earnings if you don’t get your career back on track now.

Sorry that’s a bit incoherent I’ve been drinking wine and I’m more sozzed than I thought ha ha

Some kind of IT training? It depends where you live but I can see that working if you update your IT. Like others say aim to use this time to train and aim to start when your ds is 3. It will cost but it will be worth it.

@Grobagsforever is right!

You are a family. Up until now, being part of a family hasn't really affected your DH because you've been there to pick up the slack, so he's been able to focus on his career. That's absolutely fine, but now things are changing and it's YOUR TURN.

So yes, he will have to start leaving on time, and perhaps working in the evening to make up for it - that's what EVERY SINGLE OTHER PARENT (OK, I mean mother) who has a management job does. Business trips have to become more considered. Hobbies have to take a back seat. This is what being a working parent is and he's bloody lucky that he's not had to do it so far, because you have taken the hit.

Childcare costs need to come out of the joint household income too, by the way - although I do see that if they are more than you can earn it does feel a bit shit. If your child is nearly 3 rather than just turned 2, I do think it's maybe sensible to wait till you get the three hours and use this time to update skills or do an online course or similar.

But you need a plan, and this plan shouldn't start with 'how can I change my life while ensuring the father of our child's life stays exactly the same?' That is not realistic, or fair. You are both responsible for your child.

So what’s your 40 year career plan, OP?

I think it’s quite obvious she doesn’t have one Kiwi, is that question sarcastic?

I don’t understand MN careers at all. I have work pretty high up in large organisations and struggle to see how anyone can get an IT project manager role after a course or a bit of training. People always recommend courses but rarely do they lead to anything but entry level jobs alone. Which in my company would be IT apprentice, possibly 1st one help desk support.

1st line not one

I'm in a similar position. The making a loss thing can be a short term issue if the family budget doesn't have space for that loss.

NMW plus travel/parking on top of childcare can easily lead to a loss as obviously commuting time is unpaid!

It's very hard to get out of the established pattern as well - especially as it feels like a big gamble to step back on an established job with full redundancy rights to get a far less secure role, while keeping up with mortgage payments (and hoping you aren't going to need to switch!)

the cost of childcare is a family expense. Not just coming out of your salary, OP. Your DH has enjoyed you taking care of all the childcare to support his career. Now it's time for him to step up, act like a team member and make some adjustments to his working life to allow you to have yours.

And fuck that time consuming hobby of his. That amount of time away from the family sounds selfish and potentially expensive.

Get out of the mindset that your career must be secondary to his, must facilitate his, must fit around his needs. You are a family and should bear equal responsibility for child care cost and child rearing.

Cost of childcare is indeed a family expense but if family income = £2,000pcm and outgoings are £1,900 family income going up to £3,000pcm and outgoings including childcare/ additional commuting costs being £3,005 pcm it is unaffordable...

Tbh pretty marginal if outgoings were £2950 given the added risks of unexpected expenses like windscreen excess, late collection fees etc...

@randomsabreuse but you have to look at the long term financial risk of staying out of the work place too, career progression, pension contributions etc. There were months when I'm sure we would have been no financially better with me working, but in the long term it has saved us tens of thousands of pounds, as previously stated I've tripled my salary, and gotten to a position flexible working, home working etc is the default so it's had other benefits for my family too. It's important not to be too short sighted.

Your husband needs to be more flexible. I don't believe it can't be done - I bet women in his workplace are already doing it.

Most couples I know where both work full time offset their work times so one starts early while the other does drop off the one works later while the other does pick up. You both need to be working as a team.

If you have taught before that might be an easy option for now, as it will give you time off in school holidays, which will help when your child starts school.

You need to have your husband's support on going back to work. You've supported him, now it's his turn.

I'm recently returning to work after a 3 year break. DH works a stupid number of hours (8am to 10pm most evenings - or later, international travel, etc) However, for my networking and interviews he's either had to stump up for very expensive babysitting, or I take the kids (3 kids - 1 year, 5 years and 7 years - when the older are not at school) to his office and he takes them for an hour for coffee or lunch or ice cream.

Like you, I don't have formal childcare in place as I currently SAHM (in a foreign country) and don't want this expense until I know what I'll be earning from a job.

My best advice is to network. I sent out some resumes for jobs and heard nothing back. Probably due to CV gap of 3.5 years.

I also told every one I came across that I was looking for a job. I eventually found the right people, in the right industry to give my CV to. They passed on to HR and I finally got interviews at companies that I applied to but got no response.

You can do it and your husband should help you do it. It shouldn't be all on you.

Don't take his hobby time into account when considering what hours you can work, that's unrealistic
We’ve discussed this before and he’s not happy about “working” round the clock. Doing his actual job at work then coming home and “working” again at childcare while I’m out. He’s whinging that he’s entitled to some down time and he only has one hobby, he doesn’t have nights out etc, and I want to take away his only friends by stopping him going to his hobby. Basically the price of me working is him losing his leisure time, so he doesn’t want me to work evenings and weekends. He’d prefer to just finance me so he gets more time off.

Looking after his children whilst you work or go out isn’t ‘work’ - it’s being a parent! He doesn’t get a choice when you’re not around.

@TiceCream if you leave him you'll get a lot more support in tax credits towards childcare than any kind of support he's willing to give you. Do not dismiss this behaviour, it is not a small thing, and a very sour reflection of what he thinks of you. So don't stand for it.

DH was a director in a huge company, and there were times he had to end board meetings because of childcare
He can’t even text me to say the meeting is running late, never mind get out early.

Could you use the time now to do a course?
I’d love to. Not sure how I’d manage during the day while doing childcare. I suppose it would have to be an evening course. As pp said, I doubt that a short course would lead to anything but an entry level IT position that I could probably get already.

If you have a flare for teaching and have a degree would you consider a PGCE?
I already have one. Teaching is dreadful, workload is too heavy, salaries are too low and violence against staff is increasing. I’ll never go back to it.

You can afford to work for a loss
Great. How do you suggest we pay the bills then? We don’t have any money left over, we can’t afford to be any worse off or we won’t be able to pay the bills.

So what’s your 40 year career plan, OP?
I’m 40, I doubt I’ll even be alive in another 40 years!

He doesn’t get a choice when you’re not around.
His attitude is that I’m choosing to not be around. We can manage financially on his salary. I don’t need to work. I just want to. Which is a massive inconvenience for him and won’t necessarily make us any better off.