How can I get a job to fit round DH?

[TiceCream]

I’m sick of being a SAHM. We manage on DH’s middle management salary but I’m intelligent and I want to achieve something with my life. Plus I don’t like relying on DH and not having my own money. If we divorced or he died I’d be screwed.

DH is out at work 8am-7pm Mon-Fri. He has occasional overnight business trips that last 1-3 nights. He goes out to a music group one night a week as a hobby (not always the same night) and he also goes approx 20 weekend days out of the year for between 4 and 8 hours (sometimes Sat and sometimes Sun, it’s unpredictable).

DS is currently two and is with me pretty much all the time (except when I go out to my own hobby one night a week). We have no family or friends childcare available. I can’t see any time where I could rely on DH to definitely be available for childcare while I work, so I’d have to arrange paid childcare. The problem is in that scenario I’d have to earn enough to make it worthwhile. While we scrape by on DH’s salary there isn’t any left over so we couldn’t afford for me to work and make a loss.

I just feel trapped. If I had a good career in place before becoming a mum then I could go back to it and make a profit from day 1. But I don’t see how I can start from the bottom now when the salary won’t cover the cost of working? DH has suggested starting a business as that would be flexible, but I wouldn’t make any profit in the beginning so how could I pay for childcare?

go home on time/early then do another hour from home, once kids are in bed
DS doesn’t go to bed. We struggle to make him sleep by 11pm some nights. I suppose DH could work in the bedroom while I’m parenting but that doesn’t really help me.

He wants a big house, big car, big prestigious job where he acts like the presumably much older bosses
Not necessarily older, just wealthier and more privileged. Old boys club etc. Many of them have nannies and housekeepers to free up their wives. So they’re totally work focused and have no other responsibilities. It creates a company culture of expecting everyone to be equally work focused.

Those at DH’s level don’t have hired help but their wives are enabling their careers, or their ex wives because those who are divorced only see DC at weekends. DH has pointed out that he does more than these men because he’s at home on a week night.

Well that's nonsense because if you were divorced he would actually have to do some solo parenting on his weekends and you would actually get a bit of a break!

Do you have full access to the family finances?
His salary goes into his bank account and he pays the bills. I have a credit card that he pays off every month. I was fine with us both having our own salaries and contributing equally to expenses when we were unmarried... even after we got married. But since we had DC and I stopped working his only concession to my loss of income has been to give me a credit card and take over my share of the bills. Of course he would say why is it a problem, you have access to as much money as you want via the credit card, if you want to see the bank statement I’ll show you it.

Yes, he does do more than those men because he is not only home on a week night but also paying the mortgage and all associated costs. And on some level you recognise that benefit as you have said you would be in the same position just with no money (or something) if you separated.

However, comparing himself to separated/divorced dads who see their DC every other weekend is setting the bar rather low and is also rather irrelevant to what you are saying because it is your marriage and his marriage which is in trouble.

Plus, he is able to be home every night to see his DC - and do his job, have his big house and whatever else - because you are there every day, all day looking after them.

That conversation just goes around in circles.

Do you have your own bank account? Your own savings? Is child benefit the only income you have?

The problem with having access only via the credit card is that you have no privacy or financial autonomy

Ouch, you are very vulnerable financially, I can see why you are keen to start earning again.
What would happen if you insisted on having your name added to the joint account? His reaction to that would tell you all you need to know about your relationship.
He really rates himself, the sexist wanker, doesn’t he.

What would happen if you insisted on having your name added to the joint account?
We have a joint account in both names already but it’s empty. When we both worked we got paid into our own accounts then paid equal amounts into the joint account, then used that to pay the bills. Now I have nothing to pay into the joint account so he doesn’t pay into it either. He just gets paid into his own account then pays the bills directly. I’ve asked him to pay his salary into the joint account and pay the bills out of it, but he doesn’t see why that’s necessary. It’s just extra admin to switch everything over.

If he doesn't want to get his salary paid into the joint account, he could simply pay you half of what's left after paying the mortgage and bills every month.

Bet he doesn't want to do that, though!

Why is it all about you 'fitting around him'?

Can he not adjust his activities and hours to help you find something suitable?

Why should he needs be more important than yours?

Do you have your own bank account? Is child benefit the only income you have?
Yes and yes. Although technically I have as much money as I need because I have the credit card that DH pays.

Your own savings?
I have an account with a small amount that I inherited from a relative. I was keeping it for a rainy day, probably to help me retrain for work.

Except that you can't pay for anything without your DH knowing about it.

You can't even buy him a birthday or Christmas present (or other surprise) without him seeing the transaction.

Why is it all about you 'fitting around him'?
His job pays the bills. It’s a vicious circle - we rely on his salary so we can’t mess with his job, but if we don’t mess with his job (for me to work) we can’t get into a situation where we no longer rely on it.

His job pays the bills

I totally get this, but his evening hobbies and 20 weekend days out don't!

I'm in the same boat as you and it's annoying trying to build your life around hubby's. Mine works a rotating shift with Sunday's so it's even harder to find a job that fits around his. When don't have any family to help out either. When mine both leave primary school I'm going to find a job, as they'll be able to travel independently.

Except that you can't pay for anything without your DH knowing about it
I have nothing to hide though. It doesn’t matter if he sees what I spend.

You can't even buy him a birthday or Christmas present
We stopped buying presents for that reason. It seemed stupid paying for his present out of money he’s earned and pretending it’s from me.

and pretending it’s from me.

It is from you!!!!

The family would otherwise have the expense of paying for a childminder at the very minimum. What he earns is yours but I would advise having a joint bank account and your own debit card!

That sounds like a financially abusive set up.

The whole set up is controlling

The problem is that there is an answer (from the DH) at every point why it has to be like that, which the OP sees the logic of - which is how it works.

Are you happy? Is this how you want it to be or do you want something else

TiceCream why exactly can't you get a daytime office job 3 days a week and put DC in nursery?

It doesn't matter at the moment whether your income only covers nursery fees.

Tbh I think you're making excuses now.

Go back to work - no legal job won't cover nursery.

When DC gets his free hours put him in the extra days and study.

You have a master's degree and work experience. You will get an office job with sensible hours if you try.

Nothings going to magically resolve itself overnight. Retraining money is useless ATM because they you don't know what you want to do.

Get any office job for now. Put DC in nursery. Pay the fees with your salary. Once you're back at work and he's in childcare think about what to do next.

NMW definitely marginal if commuting costs aren't low tbh. Looked into various jobs around me and the killer is usually parking.

Locally childminders are about £30/short day (9-3), £50 for 8-6...

Subtract 1 hour each way for commuting so probably 7 hours if you can get 9-5, 4 hours for the easier to get 9-3. Call it £8.25 NMW because I'm too lazy to flip to calculator and 4 hours gives you £33/ day which leaves you £3 for commuting/parking costs.

"Full time" so 7 hours gives £57.75. So £7 for commuting and parking... our local town's long stay parking costs £10/ day...

Obviously if you have less commuting time and costs it is possible to break even...

OP, did your DHs life change in any significant way when you had DC?

How did yours change?

By taking on the sole responsibility of childcare and the home, you are totally facilitating not only his whole working life, but any advances in his career, your household income and his leisure time. ALL of these things are dependent on YOU. Not just him and his Big Job and Earning Power.

Can you sit down with him and express your needs calmly, plainly and firmly, like you have here?

Can you say to him, "Look, I need to work and I am going back to work. Let's discuss how we both facilitate that"?

Will he carry on with his whingeing about his INCONVENIENCE, will he shut down the discussion immediately and unilaterally make the decision that you are not going to work?

You are sensible to know that you need to get some financial independence, because this guy is selfish and entitled, and yes I agree with other PPs, most likely financially abusing you by keeping you in your place, 100% dependent on him and serving his needs.