How can I get a job to fit round DH?

[TiceCream]

I’m sick of being a SAHM. We manage on DH’s middle management salary but I’m intelligent and I want to achieve something with my life. Plus I don’t like relying on DH and not having my own money. If we divorced or he died I’d be screwed.

DH is out at work 8am-7pm Mon-Fri. He has occasional overnight business trips that last 1-3 nights. He goes out to a music group one night a week as a hobby (not always the same night) and he also goes approx 20 weekend days out of the year for between 4 and 8 hours (sometimes Sat and sometimes Sun, it’s unpredictable).

DS is currently two and is with me pretty much all the time (except when I go out to my own hobby one night a week). We have no family or friends childcare available. I can’t see any time where I could rely on DH to definitely be available for childcare while I work, so I’d have to arrange paid childcare. The problem is in that scenario I’d have to earn enough to make it worthwhile. While we scrape by on DH’s salary there isn’t any left over so we couldn’t afford for me to work and make a loss.

I just feel trapped. If I had a good career in place before becoming a mum then I could go back to it and make a profit from day 1. But I don’t see how I can start from the bottom now when the salary won’t cover the cost of working? DH has suggested starting a business as that would be flexible, but I wouldn’t make any profit in the beginning so how could I pay for childcare?

@TiceCream - of course he can text you unlesss he's a surgeon! There are no corporate meetings one cannot send a quick housekeeping text in. He's bull shitting you. When both parents work both of them have to be able to use their phones to receive and send messages about the DC. Don't take his big important man crap.

As for not wanting to sacrifice his hobby? Has he always been so horribly selfish or is it since you got pregnant?

You're worried about money if he dies. My husband did die, I was pregnant with DC2. I CANNOT tell you how grateful I am I kept my career.

Tell him you're getting a job or rethinking your marriage.

Sorry, but isn't he also choosing to not be around with his dedication to work and his silly weekend hobby?!!

Of course you can manage financially on his salary, you don't need to work and it may not immediately make you better off, but that isn't what this is about. It's about you being something else other than a SAHM and wife of Mr. "BIG". Using your brain and education.

I really get that. It is exactly how I feel. When the children are older and need me less, I need something for me. Also, if DH dies, is ill or decides he'd like a younger model wife . . . . . who knows! I need the security of a job.

Him working long hours and his hobbies are a massive inconvenience for you find a job . . . what's his point?

My DM isn’t helping. She quit work when I was born and never worked again. Had a nice cushy life as a housewife in a village with lots of other housewives. Retired with a state pension plus a chunk of my DF’s pension after she divorced him. She refuses to accept that I don’t want the same. I have an education that she didn’t have and I want to use it, and for me being a housewife is isolating because it’s not the norm any more.

I feel like DM and DH are ganging up on me and saying I have unrealistic expectations, I’m being selfish, why do I want to work because my financial needs are taken care of, it’ll just make everyone’s life harder, it’s impossible for DH to pick up any slack and we need his salary. DH says he’ll happily work less when I match his salary, until then we can’t afford for him to work less.

Him calling the shots on all this is absolutely ridiculous - it’s like you’re another kid, or at best the au pair.

I just go to work. If my husband doesn’t work
Out what to do with the children whilst I’m there he’s going to find himself in all sorts of trouble

Him working long hours and his hobbies are a massive inconvenience for you find a job
He’s whinging “Nobody else is asking to leave early or work flexibly, it’ll put me at a disadvantage”. “Nobody else has to text their partner in meetings”. “Nobody else is being told they can’t do their hobby, their partner is just looking after the kids”. The implication being, I’m being unreasonable and other people’s partners are enabling their lives so why can’t I, it’s not fair.

As for not wanting to sacrifice his hobby? Has he always been so horribly selfish or is it since you got pregnant?
He was doing 3-4 hobbies a week before and now he’s only doing one. And nasty wife wants to take that away as well, even though that’s all he has left. One evening a week and one day every other weekend is an improvement for him. Early in our relationship I nearly dumped him because he was doing four music groups at once and I never saw him.

Online tutoring, as others have mentioned is definitely worth exploring OP. For example, I tutor for the OU and although I used to do face to face Saturday morning tutorials, they’ve moved to evening online ones, a few hours every few weeks, then some emails every day, and essay marking in early morning/ evenings. So, not necessarily easy time-wise, but flexible.
There are lots of other online education providers too.
Best of luck, please don’t give up trying to get something for yourself.

“working” again at childcare while I’m out

He's a twat isn't he.

If childcare is work then when's your downtime eh?

It’s not just about financial though, is it?

DH is fine because he has everything to his liking. He’s being supremely selfish though, he should be willing to compromise on his leisure time - it’s not even long term, because at some point children start going to school and being a bit more independent.

I think you need to take the hard line here OP, if you haven’t already. I need a job, I’m more than just our child’s mum and I need something else. Doesn’t matter what your mum did - she’s not you.

I’d start by applying for a Saturday job, just to get your toe in the water again. DH can sacrifice one weekend day a week - he’ll have to if he doesn’t want to be sacrificing both days every other weekend.

It sounds to me as though he's decided that your happiness is irrelevant. You don't need to work, you want to, and since that would inconvenience him, the fact that you want to and it would make you happy is irrelevant to him.

That's not a partnership, and I don't think it's a recipe for a happy, healthy, long term marriage.

I'd be asking, myself but also him, what makes your happiness an irrelevance.

If childcare is work then when's your downtime eh?
We both work during the day - me doing childcare and him doing his job. At evenings and weekends we split the childcare work - we both get a night off and a bit of weekend time. But now I want to take that away - and I’m free to give up my own leisure time but it’s not fair for me to take away his too. Apparently.

Your DM's opinion is an irrelevance as she's not a part of your marriage. Just ignore. I'd probably just nod and agree to get her to quit talking about what she thinks. And then I just wouldn't engage with her on the topic anymore.

As you know, times have moved on. There aren't many SAHMs around just to hang out with. The state pension will probably not be around when we retire and divorces these days are not as generous as they were in previous generations.

You working does not need to make everyone's life harder, but it will change the status quo around the household. Change is always hard but he must successfully deal with it at work, given he's remunerated so well . . .

Tell DH that if he supported you for all the years you've supported him, then you'd be happy to talk about matching his salary. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. He needs to be more efficient at work and learn to prioritise, just like many other working parents . . . .

You don't need to work, you want to, and since that would inconvenience him, the fact that you want to and it would make you happy is irrelevant to him
Exactly. That’s just me being selfish, wanting things that would inconvenience him.

Perhaps both aim for part time work out of the house and share childcare?

He’s whinging “Nobody else is asking to leave early or work flexibly, it’ll put me at a disadvantage”. “Nobody else has to text their partner in meetings”. “Nobody else is being told they can’t do their hobby, their partner is just looking after the kids”. The implication being, I’m being unreasonable and other people’s partners are enabling their lives so why can’t I, it’s not fair.

Tell him to quit whinging. It's not an attractive trait and he's not 5 years old. He wouldn't whinge at work, he would look to find a solution to the problem or just get on with it. Not compare it with how everyone else is doing their job. It's really neither here or there how other people choose to live their lives. . . you both are not them.

Blimey, I’d threaten to divorce him with the clear expectation he has the kids 60% of the time, including week days so he’d have to manage pick up and drop offs at childcare.

Do you need him to be happily on board or can you push on through and get his unhappy agreement?

These threads drive me mad. A poster will ask what work fits round their DH and almost all (with a few noteable exceptions) replies will be telling her she shouldn’t have to. That is not always realistic and does not answer the question.

I think the problem is there is no easy answer. OP, it can be incredibly difficult. I am almost completely stuck in my job where I have managed to set my hours around childcare and DH although he does do the odd drop off and pick up but we try for him not to do that more than twice a month as it looks really bad for him to have to - he’s not in an office job. It used to be that you could do admin or shop work while kids were at school but even that seems to need flexibility these days.

If you are not working now I would use the time to research home working / flexible hours / training in the hope of being able to do something when the kids start school or childcare. Honestly though it’s very hard if one person has an inflexible job and there are no grandparents etc to help.

Is your DH an academic?

Online freelancer. Once had some success, scale up to an agency. Look on Upwork for type and volume of work available, but you could also do local clients. Local businesses need graphic design, content written, social media maintained, websites built, accounting... list is endless.

50% I mean!

I can't decide if he's a wet blanket or an ignorant domineering tool, either way he's not someone I want to appease. If you insist on staying with him (despite his complete disregard for your feelings) you've GOT to get a back bone and stand up to him. You're not asking him to let you do something, you're doing it. You BOTH have responsibility of the children. As a result of that he will have to chip in. Stop making it sound like an option he has to consider.

Figure out what you want to do, then tell him. It really is as simple as that. As for not being financially viable, of course it will be in the long term, your kids don't need childcare forever.

Plus it sounds like you need to get as independent as possible to ditch the dick, I'm sorry but this marriage won't last, he doesn't respect you, so the sooner you realise that, the better.

@DisorganisedOrganiser I have to fit around my DH too, he's in the military and deploys, not much getting around that. But the difference here is that my DH doesn't EXPECT me to fit around him, he doesn't see my career as secondary, he will lift his head above the parapet and tell his bosses who aren't used to such requests when he needs to be more flexible when appropriate. Because actually, all jobs can be flexible sometimes.

The OP's DH is dick, he's not relenting AT ALL and is prioritising not just his career but his hobby(!), over his wife. So yes actually, telling the OP to not fit around her DH is exactly what should be said.

A poster will ask what work fits round their DH and almost all (with a few noteable exceptions) replies will be telling her she shouldn’t have to. That is not always realistic and does not answer the question.

Working around her DH's job isn't the issue. It's her DH's sacrosanct leisure time that's the problem. That and he doesn't think having a family is a joint enterprise.

Tbh tutoring seems a good place to start, hours to suit you. The usual rate more than covers the cost of someone minding your DS and you can look at increasing your workload as he gets older.

Honestly most men aren’t that important. I am willing to bet I have a higher level, higher paid job than 90% of the men We’re talking about here and I manage. Because children mean changes. I don’t know how these men manage to make you believe they’re so helpless over their own career.

Plenty has been said about the source of the conflict so I’m going to try to stick to some practical advice from personal experience.

1. Try to choose something that has longevity, that you can train for over the next couple of years whilst DC are little and gradually commit more time to as they get older and are in school or childcare more. I personally don’t think launching your own online business or similar offers much stability in the future, this is a marathon not a sprint. Studying is a great way to get into a new field, there are loads of courses you can do part time (if advocate doing face to face not online if you can) and you can do the work on evenings when he is out / away. It’s a good transition that isn’t too disruptive, it’s just a lot of work.

1. Pick something that you love, really love. It’s going to bring you a lot of guilt and arguments over next few years as you get established so needs to be worthwhile. If you also take it slowly you need to maintain your interest in it. You can look at it from a few perspectives:

a. What sectors / topics etc do you love? Think about hobbies, interests and personal experiences, not just work you’ve done before.

b. What skills do you love using and what are you good at? Do you like numbers, writing, organising, people, caring for people, are you creative or artistic?

c. What do you want it to give in a practical sense - Flexibility? Money? Responsibility? Stability and a career path? School holidays off? Be really honest and prioritise, you can’t have everything.

Make a plan and do your research. Start reading up, talking to people, writing a CV (or having one written) that reflects what you could do and why you want to, not just what you’ve done in the past. Many many jobs can be flexible, but to be honest the people you are working for need to know that you love it and need to know that you’re good at it before you can start getting the benefits. Done properly, this isn’t something you’re just going to find on a job site but it can be found. Good luck.